As I looked out of the window , the sky was turning several brilliant hues of flaming orange and fiery red with streaks of yellow. The sun looked like a huge ball of golden orange dye which was slowly but steadily dissolving in the sea waters and staining them with its vibrant colours. I looked down at my drawing pad and saw the almost finished art piece gracing the pages.
It was her from the night before. The painting looked so much more alive than the first one I had made. The eyes , this time ,were no more lonely but filled with sparkles of life and happiness. However somewhere deep inside, they seemed to hide something ~ a tempest wishing to break free. The lips were slightly parted in a smile. I worked on it for some more hours.
By the time I was done, it was again midnight. Folding the piece of paper in my pocket , I went out to meet her again. Seeing the familiar rippling of water made my heart beat faster and made me feel , well, a bit ----- nervous. Being a person who never gave a thought of what anyone thought about me, such feelings were weird and new. She came out of the water , singing , and sat beside me on the rock flapping her green tail. After finishing her song, she fearfully looked towards me, perhaps afraid that I would disappear. It was still difficult for her to believe that I will always survive her cursed song.
I took out the painting from my pocket and extended it towards her. She was at first surprised as to what was in it. She slowly opened the paper and stilled her movements completely. Her siren eyes widened and her fingers shook a bit. With glossy eyes she looked back at me while I looked back at her with a small smile. She again returned her gaze to the paper and carefully grazed her fingers over the paper's texture as if trying to memorise the pencil strokes on the paper. She signed, " It's so beautiful. The word will not be enough to describe the beauty of the work. You are a painter, I see? ""Well I do a few works here and there yeah. Painter is a big word to describe my experience", I shyly uttered. She laughed, throwing her head back. " You underestimate yourself way too much. " she said while her fingers glowed with lilac light as she passed them over the paper. " No one ever really thought that I was enough to be estimated, let alone underestimating. " Her gaze turned soft and distant as if remembering the curses thrown at her by the humans whom she longed to befriend.
Diverting the topic, I asked about the light on her hands. She smiled and said, " I can do a bit of magic you know, like I have some powers. Just using one of them to make the paper waterproof so that I can take it back to my kingdom." "You have a kingdom?" I asked, shocked. "Yah, like your human civilization, we have our kingdom. You can say a siren civilization maybe. "
I listened with awe. There are things like that! Wow. She called the humans a civilization although they hurled so many insults at her. Doesn't she feel disdain towards them for treating her unfairly? Shaking off these thoughts, I looked towards her and asked her with hopeful eyes, " Do you have some more time? If so, can you tell me more about your siren civilization? I would love to know! " She looked at me as if she had been waiting for someone to ask her about herself and her world. Waiting for someone to share her life's story with. She smiled slightly and nodded her head. Then I turned to face her waiting to travel to a whole new world.
End of chapter
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138,237 Literary Works • 672,089 Reviews
Hi! I hope you’re having a great day or night!
My goodness, this chapter is sweet! As I’m sure I’ve said before, the brewing friendship/relationship between the siren and painter is adorable. Not only do I love the concept, I love how you’ve implemented it.
If I may air my predictions for a moment, I wonder if there is a potential conflict between the two of them. Where the painter is steadfast in his convictions about human civilization, the siren seems a lot more open to it. This line-
-seems to imply it’s a possibility. I think it’s a potentially interesting avenue you might take!
Your description for the setting sun was particularly strong. I thought the analogy with the red and orange dyes was apt for a painter, and it conjured a very potent image in my mind. However, it read as a tad bit clunky-
I frankly felt that the second sentence, with it’s simile, could carry this exposition on its own. A lot of the information in this paragraph is rather repetitive, (“golden orange dye (…) dissolving into the sea waters (…) staining them with its vibrant colours” conveys a similar picture as “flaming orange and fiery red with streaks of yellow”) and is, in my opinion, far more poetic, better suiting the narrator and the story. Though ultimately, that decision is up to you.
All in all, I really enjoyed this chapter, and I’ll be diving into the next one right away! (Siren pun!) With that said, keep on writing, and have a great day!
At this point I’m praying for their relationship to go well. They’re so wholesome and perfect for each other. :> It’s true love at its finest. I don’t think that the painter will be frightened of her world. In fact, I think that he will love it. I just hope that he will be accepted by the other sirens like how she accepted him, but I shall have to see.
I hope that you will have a beautiful day/night.
Hi! It's Serrurie, here to leave a review!
The Good Stuff: This is a beautiful piece, and I love your descriptions. Every detail seems so sincere, as if it came straight from your heart. I've never been able to reflect my own emotions in writing, but you execute it beautifully.
Things to work on: Perhaps there was a typo, because I doubt you made this mistake, but dialogue needs to be separated. I make this mistake a lot too, but at least push the enter buttons to separate two lines of speech. It makes it awkward and cakey when you put something like (not from the story, an example.)
"Do you bake a lot, Johny?""Yes, Margaret. My specialty is tarts."
The quotes are pushed together. It almost looks like you're reading dialogue from the same person, but separated in two. Instead, do this:
"Do you bake a lot, Johny?"
"Yes, Margaret. My specialty is tarts."
Personal thoughts: Other than minor typos, it's pretty good. I will say, dialogue feels a bit...forced. I feel like they are saying things a bit too nonchalantly, if that makes sense. With the way the painter so beautifully captures his thoughts, I thought he would sound a bit more serious when he spoke. As for the siren; She sounds about right, but if humans have treated her so badly, where's the tremble in her voice? Where's the shaking when she talks about past experiences? I'd say that they're either so in love they just feel elated when near each other, or it's a little scripted.
Overall, I really love this story. It's beautiful! Keep up the good work, and happy writing!
Hi! I'm back again with an extra extra quick review!
This is another really nice chapter! I loved the description at the start, of all the colors of the sun, it was really vivid and the imagery was really well written! I can imagine so well in my mind, as if I am seeing it too!
And it is so nice that they are talking to each other, I am so glad they are friends. And she is part of a siren civilization! That sounds really exciting, I'm really excited for the next chapter.
Just like in the other chapters, your visual descriptions are really elaborate and the character's thoughts in their perspective are also well described.
Overall, this is a nice chapter, short and sweet. I am excited to read the next chapter in this series!
Happy Writing!
Hey there Shia, Icy here with a quick review this evening!
I've not read the other chapters in detail, though I did have a scan through them to try and get the gist of the story before reading this part. I think I have an ok understanding of what's going on, but sorry in advance if I mention anything you've already explained or if I misinterpret something that's come from previous chapters!
On the whole, this seems like quite a wholesome idea. Two self pronounced cursed individuals finding solace in each other and relieving some of their loneliness. It's interesting to have the parallels drawn between the main character and the siren in this way.
A definite strength of this writing is the description. I love how our main character is an artist, and describes all these views in a way I can imagine an artist doing, because it would translate well to paper. I do think there might be a bit of a repetitive nature to some of these descriptions when reading the chapters in quick succession though, so that might be something to consider when editing.
I would perhaps also consider the pacing of your story when going through the editing phase. The steps and the narrative make sense in a linear way, but a lot of what's happening seems to be escalating quite quickly. We went very fast from the character being lonely and miserable to meeting this siren and having quite in depth conversations with her. It makes me curious as to what the main plot of the story is - it might be that you need to get all of this beginning stuff out of the way pretty quickly to get onto the bulk of it, in which case I might change my mind but right now it feels a little rushed.
Overall I like the concept and the characters and I'm interested to see where you go with this one.
Hope this was helpful!
Icy
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I skimmed through your previous chapters to get a better understanding of the story, but I apologize beforehand if I misunderstand anything! Overall, I really like the concept of your story. Its sweet and relatable and witnessing these two lonely and misunderstood creatures come together is really satisfying. I like how that is an important aspect of the story - companionship.
I also really liked your descriptions! The emphasis on all the colours of the sun and the sky not only paints a pretty picture but it as also a clever and subtle reference to the narrator's profession as an artist. It also creates this otherworldly feeling which quite fits the theme of your story.
Here, the phrase 'thought about' appears in succession and can feel a little repetitive. You could switch the second one to 'thought of' if you want since the meaning remains the same without feeling repetitive. Its up to you though!
In the previous interaction, the narrator was spellbound and ecstatic, but this time, maybe because he also wanted to show her the painting, he was nervous. It also falls quite in line with his character as he is someone insecure who has been shunned too many times in life and cannot be bothered with society's disapproval anymore.
I also liked their conversation and how smoothly it flowed. However the way you format your dialogues made it a little difficult to follow and understand who was speaking and when. You could try presenting your dialogues in separate paragraphs to make it easier for your readers to follow.
Just a small typo here! It will be 'insults'. Also, you suddenly switched to the present tense in the next sentence while the story is in the past tense. Even though it expresses a thought, it should be consistent with the tense of the story unless you highlight it as a thought of the narrator in real time by italicizing it.
Overall, this was a good continuation of the story and I am interested to learn more about the 'siren civilization'.
Keep writing and have a great day/night!
~RandomTalks
A short chapter for now. The next chapter will be in two parts. A detailed background of our sweet siren and her people from the siren's pov!!