I was taken aback by what I saw and my head was still reeling from all those things I saw. I had so many questions, so many things I wanted answers to, however so little courage to ask them and voice them out. Before I could speak , she said softly, her voice being as soft as a feather, “ I know you have many questions , you can ask away.” Feeling reassured after her permission, I started asking, “ I did not properly understand your curse actually. Who is this lady, Thalia and who is she referring to as the young queen? ” She sighed , her dark as night eyes becoming a bit more gloomy with every passing second. Taking a moment for herself , she spoke up ,” Our kingdom was the underwater kingdom of beauty, music, harmony and peace named Melodora. It was the richest place in the whole underwater world and everyone was bestowed with a beautiful voice , rich in harmony and melody. Our voices used to have healing power — to heal humans on the surface from certain ailments which had very little to no cure in the human world. Whenever we came to the surface, it was the bright, sunny days where everything seemed beautiful bathes in the orange yellow hues. We would sing and people would come drawn to us, wanting to hear our music and take in the healing effects. We rejuvenated their weary spirits and gave them a sense of calmness and serenity. They would be mesmerized by our beauty. And we took pride in it. While pride is a good thing to have when you have a talent, everything should have a limit — and when one crosses the limit there are consequences, sometimes small, sometimes big and sometimes gut wrenching and horrible.”
I could see the shift in her facial features, the subtle stormy clouds clouding her pupils and her shoulders sinking as if a big burden was added to it. A hint of shadow , grey and melancholic passed across her features. She continued, “ Like every kingdom , we too had a monarch. A king and a queen. And they used to be good mermaids and mermen too. But just as every human being is not good, every mermaid and merman aren’t either. Our last ruler was a young mermaid — Ariah . A young, pampered daughter whose parents too were royalty. She had grown up spoiled and arrogant and with a huge pride, for her voice was supposed to be the sweetest of the sweet. She had grown up listening to it and it got to her head. Everyone said how her voice was like the golden honey flowing ever so beautifully. Her voice sounded like the beautiful flute , harmonious and full of life. Her voice was like the caress of a mother on her child’s head when they are about to sleep. Her voice was worthy of praise and she knew it all too well. She had immense pride, one that did not let her fins touch the ground. There was another daughter too, born to the king and queen — her name was Thalia, who was not born with a good voice. She - she was different from the rest of our kind. She was not as gifted as her younger sister was. She was also not normally born with a melodic voice and lacked the healing capacities as well. She was , however, born with a golden heart — a heart which was soft as cotton and only knew kindness. Such a frail heart , which pained at others' pain in the same way it would have if it would have been her own plight. They grew up differently— Ariah being loved and admired and Thalia being abandoned and left out. Ariah’s pride did not let her even respect her elder sister and she ended up bullying Thalia, throwing comments as mean as shards of glasses towards her and making her all alone and vulnerable. As they grew up their relationship ended up to be worse. Time came for Thalia’s coronation. She was going to be crowned on the day of her engagement with her lover merman — Ester. He was someone with a heart of gold as well. Kind and loving, radiating comfort and warmth wherever he went. He truly saw what Thalia was worth too and they had one of the most beautiful love stories ,however, only till her coronation. Ariah’s pride turned to jealousy, as soon as it was announced that her sister ,who she thought was incapable and lower than her, would be crowned queen. In her rage and twisted pride, she and her loyal ,blind followers formed a horrendous plan of killing Thalia’s lover. By the time everyone got to know everything, it was too late. Ester had died , killed and lying in his own pool of blood. Ariah and her followers failed to estimate the depth of Thalia’s rage , given her meek, shy and kind nature. Thalia , in her rage, had thrown her shimmering golden crown adorned in rare crystals which caught the sunlight in its wake, to Ariah’s feet and cursed the whole mermaid-kind of Melodia. Her curse led to the end of Melodia’s flourishing legacy.”
I had my eyes opened slightly widened and mouth slightly agape. Feelings of understanding started to settle within me while the mists of curiosity began to fade. Nevertheless , I still had a question lingering in my mind. “ When you know you are cursed, why do you come to the surface everyday? Why not stay underwater? You clearly don’t like to kill humans as far as I could decipher.” She chuckled bitterly, as if the question seemed to add another burden to her already existing burdens. She answered softly, “ A part of the curse also included a sudden possession of our being at night by Thalia’s curse— forcing us to come to the surface even against our will and sing— at least once throughout the night. We have no control over our bodies then.”
Just as her sentence ended, I looked over at the horizon to see the first white rays of the sun coloring the sky vibrant orange and scarlet, as if the sky was bathed in the rich silks of vibrant colors and soft texture — marking a new day, a new adventure, a new chance to life but also another day to fight for life, to live through horrible existences, give a choice to either fight another day or end it and give up.
End of chapter
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Hi there Shia! I think it's always so cool when someone picks up a work they haven't worked on for a long time, and whilst I haven't read all the parts that come before this I hope I can still offer some comments of use. Let's get into the review.
I think first and foremost, you might want to look at the structure of this piece. I had a flick through some of your other chapters and I've seen the comment come up before so this probably isn't new to you but really think about your paragraph lengths. This is exacerbated by reading on a screen but the first and certainly the second paragraphs are massive and it makes it hard to digest anything that's going on in the text.
You can use your paragraph breaks to change pace and increase tension. Think about what's important to get across to your reader and consider if it might warrant being in a paragraph on its own.
Rules of writing also dictate that a new paragraph should start any time someone new speaks. So here:
should look like this:
Before I could speak , she said softly, her voice being as soft as a feather, “ I know you have many questions , you can ask away.”
Feeling reassured after her permission, I started asking, “ I did not properly understand your curse actually. Who is this lady, Thalia and who is she referring to as the young queen? ”
She sighed , her dark as night eyes becoming a bit more gloomy with every passing second. Taking a moment for herself , she spoke up ,” Our kingdom was the underwater kingdom of beauty, music, harmony and peace named Melodora.
I think there's the start of some interesting world building here and I especially enjoyed the names of the characters. Have a look at your formatting before posting anything else, and I think it will be much easier to get a sense of how everything else is going.
Hope this helped!
Icy
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the haunted S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - The siren continues her story about the siren curse. The painter listens intently, and with a bit of unease. However, he stills loves the siren, even after all that she says to him.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I was a little confused when it was mentioned that Ariah had feet because I imagined her with a tail, but if I’m wrong then please correct me. It was just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love the story of Ariah and Thalia. Thalia wasn’t completely evil, she was just upset that Ester was killed, and she wanted everyone to feel the weight of Ariah’s mistake. I liked the ending too, because it showed that the painter was willing to start a new day despite the siren’s story.
Closing Graham Cracker - As the painter takes in what the siren says, there is the ever-present thought of doom, and that anything loved can be taken away if one doesn’t think carefully enough, so it is best to cherish it all.
I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^
I actually tried to mention the "feet did not touch the ground" as a metaphor for saying that her pride was so much that she was not grounded to humanity but now I realised that it was constructed clumsily. Thank you so much for pointing it out!!. Thank you for the review too!! Hope you have a good day!
Okay!