A temptress they said. The ending would be mortifying and miserable, they warned. But when was I ever the one to listen?
The shabby, mysterious lighthouse stood all alone on the little isle, perhaps boasting of its strength to stand all alone, unbending withstanding the ravages of time. The salty waves crashed across the jagged rocks and broke down into white foams while the water retreated back to strike again. Inside this lonely lighthouse stood I, frowning , scrunching up my brows and scratching aimless lines on the paper for nothing good came in my mind. Retiring to this quiet place, out of the painfully unimaginative human civilization felt like a good idea at first but now as moments past by I felt irritation coursing through my bones. A horrible truth dawned on me. My imagination has run out leaving my mind behind like a white canvas. Sighing for the nth time, I looked outside. The sky was bleeding blue and blank ink while the white stars sparkled like diamonds in the dark. Everything around was plunged into complete darkness. On a closer observation, I noticed that the sea waves seemed to have become more turbulent than when I last noticed it. Perhaps if I could hear the sounds, it must have become louder and harsher than before. Being hearing impaired was a curse after all. A curse that took away my childhood. A curse that snatched away my family. A curse that snatched away my happiness. A curse that erased my smile forever. Shaking the thoughts away, I decided to go down to the shore for a walk to clear my mind. Perhaps get back some ideas and finally be able to immerse myself in the world of colors and imagination. Imagination. That’s where I lived. That’s where I was born to live. The real world wasn’t for someone as cursed like me. No.
Sitting on one of the rocks closer to the seashore, I looked out to the vast expanse of water. The waters seemed to sparkle under the gleaming moonlight. I started reminiscing about my past. I wish I did not though. It was too painful to remember. They say wounds are healed over time. How come mine never healed? Oh how could they? They were deep scars and gaping gashes which never faded. Only became more prominent over time. My arms , legs ,back ,chest— a constant reminder of the terror. Soon I found myself with a mind full of thoughts all over the place and an ache that came out of it. A dulling pain that set upon my heart and an agonizing desire to be loved. To be told once that I was not unwanted, not cursed. Just once. Smiling crookedly, I let out a self deprecating laugh. Who was I kidding again? Those mundane creatures called humans? Bestowed with nothing but greed and desires, wanting nothing but each other’s destruction to see themselves succeed. I shook my head again as I sighed heavily yet again and set my eyes on the sight in front of me. However, what I saw in the next moment made me do a double take and then rub my eyes again and again. I even slapped myself a bit to check if I was really seeing it. Had I gone so insane with the lack of creativity that I am seeing such things.
Even a madman will not believe me if I say this, but right in front of my eyes was a siren. Yes, a Siren! Silver hair which glistened with water drops .Pale green skin with scales all over her arms. Quite ironic to her appearance and myths about her was the color of her tail— olive green, a color that suggested wisdom and compassion to humanity. However from what I have heard from those fools, she was none. And yet a look in her deep eyes, I was bewitched. Every breath she took, I felt entranced and found myself drowning in her beauty. No words could do her justice. No books, no paintings, nothing at all. Looking into her eyes, I found a whirlwind of emotions in them. The most prominent one was probably sadness and grief. The vision went down to her lips which were parted. That's when I realized it, she was singing— her siren’s song, a song which meant an end for she too was cursed like me. I felt her song vibrating through my flesh and almost chilling my blood. Painful, stinging and lonely notes and a melody , unknown for I was not born to be able to decipher it. However I felt every vibration of it in my bones. It created a deep spark within me. Never in the 23 years of living have I felt this lively before, not even in my world of art. There was a spark, a spark which I thought I had lost forever or perhaps never had before. That was the moment when this mortal body of mine felt alive. With a sad stare and one final look she submerged under the deep waters, probably not wanting to see another creature perishing due to her curse, her song. Little did she know that I was a damned being too not meant to die in the hands of another damned creature like her. But was I meant to find solace in the arms of a damned creature like her? Who knows? All I know for now is that this feeling is something I want to hold on for a long long time and never let it go. She had sparked a madness within me to relish in this feeling, a feeling of being understood. If anyone would have seen me at that moment they would know, but for the first time in forever a genuine smile graced my lips and I could not help but chuckle at my thoughts which appeared to be quite silly. Will I be getting a meaning to love, to life after all?
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 2 : My YouPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hi there, and good afternoon!
First off, I just want to say that I adore your descriptions of the setting! Your use of figurative language is very distinct, and I especially liked your descriptions of the sky in the second paragraph, and the siren in the third:
The way you personify the sky as "bleeding" is particularly cool. Your description of the siren is similarly impactful. There is something lyrical about the way you write, that almost reminds me of poetry. It suits your story very well, considering a siren seems to play to key role in its telling.
However, I might suggest having a couple more paragraph breaks. You've got a lot of cool content going on in each of them, but they can sometimes be difficult to parse through. A good rule of thumb to follow is to begin a new paragraph whenever a new topic is being discussed. You can also add breaks to emphasize certain lines more than others. Writing is, in some respects, a visual media, after all, and you can use that to your advantage.
All in all, though, this was a very intriguing read! I look forward to checking out the oncoming chapters, whenever you may post them! Please, keep on writing, and have a great day!
Hiya! This is Ara the Story Bunny, here with a review! ^^
This is such an interesting story! I love all the descriptions and the overall feeling of the setting and situation. Your character is introduced well, and I cannot wait to see what they'll do.
Anyways, onto the actual review!
A perfect hook to engage any reader. You immediately know the character already knows what is going to happen, and they are not happy about it. And already questions are going through my mind: what temptress? Is it a literal or a figurative one? What's going to be in the end? How is it mortifying and miserable? Who is it that said those things and warned them? And in addition to that, we learn a bit about the character, and how they tend not to listen. We can assume other traits about them - perhaps they're outgoing or maybe a little selfish. Or maybe it's referring to the fact that they literally cannot listen because they can't hear.
The way you write is unlike most styles I've seen. It kinda reminds me of Shakespeare, although I've never read anything by him, so it's hard to say. It just has a bit of an old English tone. Is that intentional to the story? Maybe it's set long ago. Or maybe you just like that style of writing.
I love all this description. I can imagine the setting beautifully, and it sets the tone nicely. I see the lighthouse, maybe a little warn down, and although you don't mention it I see a dark cloudy sky. I'm a bit confused by "quiet place". How do they know it's quite? Does it mean they can still hear a little, to be able to know that? Or are they completely deaf?
I feel like "a horrible truth dawned on me" seems out of place. After that sentence, you go back to talking about their imagination. (Also I love that metaphor with the imagination and the canvas.) Was it referring to before? If that's the case, I'd suggesting moving this sentence back to before "retiring to this quite place...". Also, I believe you meant "ninth" rather than "nth".
And again, the description on this is amazing. Now I know that it isn't cloudy, but it's still dark and the stars are out. The waves becoming more turbulent brings a greater sense of dread. It makes the reader wonder if there's a reason for that, and it makes us worry for your character.
And now we learn even more about the character. This person is deaf (or close to it) and they view it as a curse. They believe it ruined so many things, including their childhood. It makes you wonder how bad it really was. What was it like, if it was truly so horrible, but what if it was actually an exaggeration? This, while seeming really sad, actually seems kind of hopeful. If this person is at their lowest point, it's bound to get better, right? Right?
Gosh, you're really good at making things sad. I just wanna hug your character right now! I wonder what happened... was it only mental pain? Or also physical? Based on the fact that this is tagged as "romantic", I'm gonna guess that their desire to be loved with be fulfilled. Which is good.
Aww! Don't give up on people yet! Yeah, some of 'um are jerks, and some of them are just plain bad, but not all of them! Before reading the next paragraph, I was so interested to know what in the world they were seeing. What things could be so strange as to get them to react like that? (Well... a lot of things, but, you know...)
Ooh! A siren! I'm not very familiar with them, but I believe they are beautiful women that lure sailors to their death, correct? They lure the sailors with their voices, right? Maybe that's how your character is safe from her.
Also, I think you meant to write "water drops. Place green skin" rather than, "water drops .Pale green skin".
I wonder why her eyes were filled with sadness and grief. Maybe she, too, is lonely.
Even though they can't hear, you can still give the reader (and your character) the sense that sound is still there, even though there is no way for your character to hear. I think that's such a creative idea - a deaf person meeting a siren. This is a really cool turning point for this character. And the fact that you use the word "curse" for the siren, too? That's such a cool connection.
"For the first time in forever" reminds me of the song from Frozen...
Okay, sorry, sorry. This is a review.
They finally feel understood. They both feel cursed, and maybe they can bond over that. (If the siren comes back up, which I know she will) I wonder how they'll communicate...
I'm so glad that they were able to be happy! The first time they smiled... as a 23 year old? Gosh, how bad was their life? Again, let me just give them a hug. This ends this so well... I really would love to read the next one right away.
In your question, you asked whether your plot was engaging. To answer your question... I don't know. Haha, sorry, I know that's not what you were looking for. Okay, yes. It was. But it was kinda hard to determine a plot because of the short length of this chapter. I'd have to wait to read other chapters to know more. But from what I can tell, yes, it is very interesting and engaging. I wonder, though, what the character is doing. Why are they at the lighthouse? What are they doing? The description for this says he's a painter (and I'm just realizing I used they instead of he... oops). Is he painting the scene? If so, I'd suggest making that more clear.
Due to your kind-of swears, I'd actually rate this as 12 rather than E. Also, I feel like your paragraphs are a bit long. This is mostly just a personal preference, but I'd separate them into several more paragraphs, although it really doesn't change much.
Also, I'm realizing that a fair amount of this review is based more on negative aspects and not so much on what you did well. But please note that I absolutely love this, and honestly it was really hard for me to critique it because it was so well done.
Let me know if you want me to continue reviewing your series!
Thank you so much for writing and sharing, and thanks for requesting a review from us! We might never have seen it otherwise.
Keep writing!
Hey, foxmaster here for a quick review!
oooooooooh, this was really good! I really enjoyed it, and the descriptions were extremely good.It's clear that you are a very good writer, except that I did notice some things.
Here, I found that the paragraphs like this were extremely long, and I could barely understand what was happening. In addition, this seemed like more of an introduction, as barely anything happened, it was was more description and no dialogue.
First of all, you are missing a comma here, and you seem to be thinking of the wrong word, as it is "Passed," not "Past."
To me, this sentence seems a bit unnecessary. I would change it to, for example.
"However, I really wish I hadn't."
this is a question, so it needs a question mark.
Even a madman would not believe me if I saw a siren.
You're making it present tense with the word "will."
Well, that's about it! If you're looking for anything to review, you can always do some of my work!
Happy writing,
-Foxmaster
Hey! For some reason I reviewed your second chapter first, but the description you added for this is just so amazing! It perfectly describes the story whilst also leaving a healthy amount of suspense. (By the way, I'm talking about the one I saw while scrolling). Let's dive in!
The Good Stuff ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ:Beautiful descriptions as always. I love how you described seafood, as well as the lighthouse and the painter's empty mind. I also love how you used 'A curse' to start multiple sentences. Instead of ruining the beat of the story (like repetition does with things like similes or metaphors) it tied everything together, showing how events tied together in the painter's life while also slowly making the emotions feel deeper and darker. I just find it astonishing how you make this scene feel so rich with sorrow and thin with joy without using a large vocabulary. Don't get me wrong, you used some vocabulary. But this book needs to get published. I don't care when. Just, once it's finished get this on the market.
It's very beautiful how you describe the siren's sorrow. And the mc's joy. Also, the way the character seems to have a sense that they are insane. And the fact they live on the beach? Big Jack Sparrow vibes. And I quote: "Crazy people don't know they're crazy.I know I'm crazy, therefore I'm not crazy, isn't that crazy?"
My Personal Thoughts (Not Used As Critique (◉ ͜ʖ◉): You seemed to switch from 'reminiscing over the past' to 'scars' very quickly. This made slightly confused, wondering if they were talking about emotional scars created by the memories. I wish it was split into two separate, smaller paragraphs, Or that there was something to break up the two different subjects. I also am not able to tell: has the 23 year old main character fallen in love with an old person? Or does the siren simply have silver hair?
Things To Work On ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅((>: I think you made a typo on the last sentence of the second paragraph. It should have been a period, not a question mark. I think that somewhere in the first paragraphs you may have switched between tense. It's very hard. (Probably why I only stick to one tense).
This book is beautiful! I wish it had a name. Please keep writing, because if they're a fandom for this, I think I'm in it. Happy writing!
First of all, love, love, love the imagery. It's as if I was standing there watching everything unfold. I can't really find any room for improvement. There's a very good buildup, and I wasn't expecting the turn of events into finding a siren. The only thing I can say is that it needs a proofread for grammar but that's not what I'm here for. It truly is captivating and reels the reader in. I like how the main character is comparing herself to the siren, and even though she is deaf she can basically hear the siren's song because of the strength. It's like she feels almost welcomed to the siren because of that factor.
Anyway, really good read, thank you for sharing!!
Hello! I am here to deliver your Matcha Milk Tea for this chapter!
This was such a beautiful chapter! You are an amazing writer! But I will describe more of that in detail, as it is one of the traits of the type of review you chose.
The descriptions of the setting were so clear and vivid, the imagery was really well described, and there was a lot of great figurative language. The reader can imagine the setting in all five senses as if it is right in front of them. You did an amazing job with this.
You also did a great job with describing the thoughts and feelings of the protagonist. Especially when you described when they saw the siren. I didn't think there would be so much description of that, but there was, and it was so beautifully written with a lot of feeling and emotion. Great job on this too!
In fact, I was probably so mesmerized by the details of the writing and descriptions that I didn't notice the small details of stuff, like how the person was an artist, and stuff like that. The vagueness of not explaining the character is a writing style for this chapter, I'm assuming, but that is totally fine! It actually makes me want to read more, which is always good!
I loved this chapter overall. It is really well written, with great setting and character emotion description. And for the Cheezo, my rating out of ten is 9.9, and the only reason I didn't put ten is because in my opinion, writing is never finished or perfect, and even though I have not seen any need for improvements, maybe someone else can. Thank you for purchasing a boba from my shop! You can always pop back in to request another review boba if you need/want one!
Good luck in your writing endeavors, fellow writer!
The artist might find love after all. It may last, it may not, but it will be there. I like this story so far, it’s very beautiful and descriptive. The siren didn’t want to be a siren, the artist didn’t want to be deaf. Is it true love, a love that is doomed, or both? I’ll have to wait and see.
I hope that you will have a wonderful and beautiful day and night.