Regaining my calm and putting on a cold face I walked back to my room in the lighthouse. Wait! Scratch that. Heck my heart was beating so much it felt like it would jump right out of my throat. My face was probably glowing from blushing so hard and I felt my knees trembling. Rushing back to the lighthouse, I looked out through my window and took glimpses at the sea in hopes to catch a passing glance of her. But as I expected she was nowhere. Sighing heavily I returned to my desk and took out a fresh paper and held a pencil. My hands moved on my own accord. After a few minutes, I realized what I had painted out of reflex. It was her. The siren.
It was a rough sketch by pencil with messy strokes here and there. But there was no denying that it was her. The long, smooth flowing hair is slightly shaded to provide with the shadows, the slender hands and the webbed hands, the majestic tail with the scales as minute details. What assured me that it was definitely her, were the sketching of her eyes. The vivid sadness and gleam of loneliness in those deep prussian blue eyes which seemed to captivate me even through the sketch. My head was reeling with her and her only. I went to bed and closed my eyes trying to sleep. As her eyes kept replaying in my mind again again, I drifted off to dreamland with a subtle smile on my face. For the first time, I was looking forward to seeing the new dawn , wishing to meet her again as the night falls.
As the night fell, I went down to the shore again. This time however it was calmer , the waters moved smoothly enough and collided with the nearby rocks retreating yet again.
I was clutching my drawing pad to my chest and had a pencil in my other hand. I was eagerly looking out to the sea and wondered if she would appear again. Soon there was rippling water and immediately afterwards I saw her again. The siren in her full glory. Looking closer to her face this time, I noticed more than just her eyes. She had a slim nose and plump purplish lips. A cute mole was there at the corner of her lips. Her face showed shock and pure surprise as she saw me. As a siren, it's not everyday that you see your so-called victim alive the next day and definitely not expect that victim to check you out. Or at least look at you with admiration, now did you? She suddenly went down in the waters and again rose up a few seconds later, rubbed her eyes and stared at me. I could not help but chuckle. Wait, did I just chuckle? Dear lord, this pretty being is gonna make me do a lot of things I guess.
I extended my hands forward with a gesture to beckon her closer.
Still in a daze, she approached me. Stopping a few feet near, I could see her mouthing “How”? Yes, I can lip read. Learned it but never thought it would be necessary but today seems like an exception. Isn’t it always an exception with her? I mouthed and used hand gestures to let her know that I could not hear the cursed song, that I was cursed myself by deafness. She looked shocked but immediately a glow of happiness washed over her face. She gestured to me and now it was my turn to be shocked. How did she know human hand gestures for deaf? Sensing my curiosity, she grinned at me and gestured again telling me the secret of her existence. “This is a cursed existence. I never wished to be born as a siren. I wanted to make friends and be happy. Not kill people. So when I found out the truth of my existence that if I sing or open my mouth, I will kill humans, I learned sign language so that I can make friends. What failed to realize was that it was impossible for me to not sing upon seeing a human and it was impossible for them not to hear it and die. You are the first one to ever not die. I am so happy today!” She gestured all in one go, probably excited to find someone who would not curse her existence and call her a murderer.
I felt another laugh arising from the depth of my throat and surprisingly I did not suppress it. I liked the feeling. I gestured back with a serious face to tease her a bit, ”Aren’t you too happy to know that I am disabled? Human beings are not quite so you know.” Her face, which had a grin till now, paled and she immediately mouthed an apology. I could hardly maintain my facade anymore and burst out into fits of laughter. Those muscles of my face, not used to working too much, started to hurt after a few seconds. But again I relished the feeling. Deep inside I was really glad. For the first time in a long time, someone did not think my existence was a nuisance. A curse. For the first time ever, someone was glad that I was hearing impaired, glad that I was cursed like this. Someone was relishing my existence in this world . “Oh no I was just teasing you lady, don't mind it too much.” I said as I shook my head and laughed again. She chuckled too.
“I have to go today.” She mouthed. “Will you be here tomorrow too?” She asked quite eagerly. I nodded a yes. She started swimming back to the waters. With one final look towards me, she dove in and disappeared. It was as if she was never there to begin with. A fragment right out of my imagination it seemed. With a peaceful smile, I turned back to my room in the lighthouse. This time I knew that when I paint her again, even if nothing is different, her eyes and its emotions are something which will vary. Tonight there was an end of search.
Her search for a friend. My search for a muse. Both of our search for a reason to live.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 3 : From Me To YouPoints:
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137,601 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
It’s been awhile since I’ve read the first chapter (sorry about that) but now I’ve come to read the second chapter! I like how excited the siren is. It’s the innocent excitement of a bubbly child. Not something to expect from a creature such as a siren, which is good. I like it!
I enjoyed reading this story. I hope that you will have a very wonderful and awesome day and night.
Hey, Foxmaster here yet again for another quick review!
Oh, once again, a well-described, well-written story! Well, let's get right to it!
I have to say that this chapter had a lot shorter paragraphs, and it was a lot easier to read👏 which is good, but this paragraph was still rather hard to read, so yeah. Also, something to remember- always start a new paragraph when someone speaks!
These sentences were missing a lot of commas, making it hard to read and kind of choppy.
I feel like these are things that should be mentioned earlier- In addition, the part about how the main character learned how to lip read never thought it would come in handy seems kind of unnecessary.
well, that's all! If you're looking for anything to review, you can do some of my work.
happy writing, -
-Foxmaster
Hi! I'm here to leave an extra EXTRA quick review!
This was such a sweet chapter, I enjoyed reading it so much! It is so heartwarming to read a story of a cursed person finally finding a friend. This kinda reminds me of this story I heard about, where Medusa had a blind girlfriend. I have never actually read it, but I guess it is similar.
The details are so elaborate, with the visual details of what the siren looked like, to the thoughts of the main character. It just filled the story with beautiful words so well. You are an awesome author!
Quick grammar thing, I think you missed some commas in a few places.
There should be a comma after calm, heck, and heavily. Sorry to be a picky grammar person, I'm just pointing it out.
I hope this review was helpful! I truly enjoyed reading this, I will try to find time to review the next chapter, which I am super excited to read.
Happy Writing!
(Banner by @looseleaf)
Hey-o! Looks like an interesting story you have! Let’s dive in!
😺What I like: You describe things very well!The way you described the siren was very detailed, and I can paint a picture of her in my mind. And very good use of vocabulary 👍🏽. I would never have thought of the word ‘Prussian’. And you left it on a lovely cliffhanger, which always makes it harder for me to put a book down.
Personal 📝 Notes: I’m one that likes for thoughts to be put on italic, that way they are separated from the main body of text. I’m also not a huge fan of first person, but you executed that point of view pretty nicely. The only thing I would’ve changed was making it past-tense with your verbs.
Grammatical Errors ✏️: There was a moment where you used ‘the night fell’ personification twice in a row. Nothing too wrong with that, but I would mix it up with a few different phrases to keep a good rhythm. Or when you said ‘Heck my heart is beating’ there should have been a comma between ‘heck’ and the rest of the sentence.
Overall, this story seems really interesting! Keep up the good work!
Hello, Shia!
I'm here for a quick review. Please keep in mind that I have not read Chapter 1, so my review might be a little crazy.
I first want to start by commenting on your style. You use quite an informal style which really allows the reader to be close to the main character. As a reader, you are literally right there in the brain of the main character which is really interesting. And I love that the thoughts that the main character has do not always come in perfect sentences or perfect organization. This is really realistic because no one thinks in perfect sequences.
I'm talking about his line.
On the topic of that line, I suggest adding a comma after "heck."
I also really like your descriptions. They're well put together. You often place them between the main character's thoughts which works really nicely because it breaks up the repetition of thought, thought, thought, and adds some details which create a whole scene in the reader's mind. Nicely done! I especially want to say that the scene where the main character is drawing the siren is nicely described. A lot of writers struggle to get that much detail out of their imagination, but you clearly have got it down.
I also want to say that I am quite pleased that you blended the realistic with the fantasy quite nicely. In the beginning of the scene, I am introduced to the main character, his or her thoughts, and the lighthouse-all elements of a realistic world, but then before I have firmly made up my mind that this is a one hundred percent realistic world, you slip in the details about the siren. So, this leaves me a believable little piece of fantasy right here. Cleverly wound together, I would say.
Now, onto the scene with the siren. You did a nice job describing the main character's reactions from the details about the human hand signals and lip reading and all of that, but I do think that maybe a little more reaction during the first moment when the siren appears would be nice? There seemed to be a lot of friendly silent dialogue going, but I feel like maybe adding a little more description of the siren herself in that scene could be useful. Also, maybe a detail about how far away she is from the main character? Does she swim up to him so she's only a few feet from him, or is she a little ways off to ensure some personal space? That can give her a little more personality. Also, I would love to know how exactly she appeared. I would try to draw out her appearing for the second time a little more because it felt a little sudden. Maybe add more description of what the main character is doing while he's looking out at the sea? Like maybe he clutches the drawing pad closer as a wave of excitement passes over him? Something like that.
Lastly, I noticed a few places where you switched tense to present tense. I'd just look for that if you plan on editing this.
And that's it for this one! Wishing you a great weekend!
-Kaia
Hello! I hope you're having a good afternoon!
I was very excited to see you follow up the previous chapter so quickly! Your concept has me very invested, and you've already done a lot of interesting things with it!
In the last chapter, you showed us how the narrator is struggling to find inspiration for their art. The payoff of them jumping straight into illustrating the siren is absolutely spectacular, and immensely satisfying. I thought it was super impressive how much impact it had in so little time!
I also really enjoyed the interaction between the siren and the artist. It's a great way to kick of their dynamic, and establish the siren's character. She gives me 'Little Mermaid' vibes in her desire to explore the human world. I see some parallels between the siren opting for sign language in favor of her voice, and the mermaid trading her tongue for a pair of legs- both permitting them to interact and have relationships with the world above.
On the topic of the siren and the narrator speaking with a mix of sign language/lip reading, I think that's super cool, and some important representation! I like that the siren is already helping the artist see that his disability is not necessarily a curse, and that his deafness does not make him inherently undesirable or unwanted.
I did sort of wonder why the siren would frequently visit the surface if she knew that it could possibly result in a death. Is the lighthouse the narrator inhabits usually abandoned, and that's why she visits there?
Also, what does she have to do today? She says she was born a siren, so are there a large community of them? Family, friends? Is she an outcast amongst them, too, because of her interest in- you know- not killing people?
These are all questions I suspect you will answer in the coming chapters. I hope you'll give them some thought!
Quick note, though I really enjoy the dialogue itself between the siren and artist, I think it's possible you could format it a tad better! You add a space between the beginning and ending quotation marks (") and that sometimes causes them and the dialogue to be on two separate lines, such as here:
This can take your reader out of the story if they have to try and figure out if a particular line in dialogue or not. If you remove the spaces between quotations and words, it should cease to be an issue!
Last thing, this is a small nitpick, but I'm personally not a fan of the double exclamation point (!!) as used here:
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If you leaf through published works, you'll notice that it is rarely used, usually in favor of dialogue tags to indicate a character's tone of voice. Again, this is mostly my personal preference.
All in all though, I loved reading this! I look forward to checking out the next chapter when you post it. You've very much endeared me to these characters and their journey's. It'll be fun to see how you explore their friendship, as well as their budding romance!
Keep on writing, and have a great day!