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A Metaphor for War

by Sheyren

i liberate the meat
tearing through its borders
with my sharp battering rams

the blood pours out
like soldiers fleeing the field
my napkin takes them like pows

the bone is cleaned
and just like that
i've freed my ally

i look up as people approach
it's the employees at the zoo
they don't look happy

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113 Reviews

Points: 564
Reviews: 113

Fri Oct 11, 2019 12:18 am
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manilla wrote a review...

Hey! Manilla here for a review.

As a reader
There was a fun twist at the end and your specific word choice helps really build up the dramatic yet heartening effect. I’m assuming it’s someone epicly eating a steak of an animal they really shouldn’t be eating. The lack of punctuation helps with the humor for me! But when you say

my napkin takes them like pows

I am assume you mean prisoners of war? I understand the lack of capitalization but you need to make the meaning of the abbreviation clear somehow. Otherwise, an enjoyable read! The style of comedy is fresh and original and you should keep it up.

As a writer
As a poet you want to unlock the meaning of your words and since the poem is (effectively) brief. The flow of the poem is great in the first two paragraphs and the fourth doesn’t need it, for the sake of comedic affect. The third however is a little choppy to me, personally, and perhaps some spicy adjectives or adverbs could bring light and polish to your message.

Keep it up! This was hilarious! I hope my review helps you construct a better piece.
-Manilla out

Sheyren says...

Thanks for the feedback!

User avatar
43 Reviews

Points: 2599
Reviews: 43

Thu Oct 10, 2019 4:33 pm
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Stellarjay wrote a review...

I feel like this poem has double meaning. The poem isn't straight to the point and the reader has to look a little deeper to understand what's really going on. I really liked that. From what I can figure out it's about a ram in a zoo. I tried to pick apart the first part, but I can't quite get it. But that's what makes the poem so interesting. You kind of have to think about it for a bit before you can understand what's going on. My first impression would be that the ram is killing someone. But when I looked a little deeper I feel like he's eating something. But I could be completely wrong.

One thing you could improve on is capitalizing the "i". It'll make the poem look more organized. I would also put a comma or a period on the end of each stanza. Those were the only things that I found, other than that I really liked your poem!

Sheyren says...

Thanks for the feedback!

Our God given right to smuggle.
— John Green