Young Writers Society

I really liked this story and I think you got the message across quiet clearly and effectively revealed a loss of innocence in children when they discover the tragic extent of misery the world contains. They only thing I didn't like is the voice of the girl with the blue eyes. She sounds quite robotic and emotionless, and for someone so young to discover the suffering of so many people she should be petrified! I think once you develop your characters and explore their emotions your story will be so much richer. Good work otherwise, your idea is brilliant.

Hey! This is my little review for you.

First of all, i like your plot and your writting styles. When i first read your story i thought 'what is this? another boring story?' but after i read till the end... it is REMARKABLE. Just you need to put more details in your story. More feelings.

And you need to check your spelling and grammar when you finished them.(Dont worry i also made the same mistake sometime ) Also, dont use the same words regularly, you will harden the readers to feel the story and will make the story became boring.

Hope my review could help you in the future. Im not good also. Together we improved ourselves.

Above all, Keep on writting.

First Review

This story is very beautifully written. I liked the idea and meaning behind it. The little details you included made the story come to life.

This plot had such great meaning and you managed to conclude it in this short story. You had a few spelling mistakes(they didn't bother me) but next time you write, make sure to proofread it once or twice before submitting it.

Other than that the story was amazing. I hope to see more of you work in the furture.

NoOne:)

Ok, this is my first time reviewing anything so I will try to do my best haha.

The only thing I can say is that I am truly shocked that a person your age could write something with such beauty and deep meaning. You obviously have a very imaginative mind, which is a REALLY good thing to have if you want to be good at writing. I'm only a few years older than you but you are far better than me at expressing character's feelings and personalities. Aside from a few spelling mistakes this was fantastic work!

Keep on being great:)
-Frayer

I find myself at a loss of words. Everyone here has said everything that I wanted to write, except one:

At first, I assumed this was also another little girl. She is going in to play at the sand castle. Can you elaborate more? Is it a teenager going in? Or an adult woman?

At the end you say, "that little girl with blue eyes." This is evidence that the narrator is older. Also, I just didn't get the same feeling the narrator had. You had some great things here. You showed that the girl is angry rather than tell me she is.

Nike says this:
"Just brighten up their personalities, remember, your characters are people with emotions and a life. So they need personalities. Just brighten them up, make me really afraid when your MC is afraid."

There were points in the story you did this, but they were few and far between. Give the characters more life than having them feel like stilted talking heads to move the story. That's all I have to say, SecreteJournalist. You're only 13. If you can write like this, then I'm sure you'll get much much better as time goes by. I'm sure of it. You already have some basics down. Just add a little more.

Hello! I'm here to review.

I posted your story into my review to show you the spelling and grammar mistakes that you had. Also, to point out good and bad things that are in your story. There will be an overview at the end.

Spelling corrections and grammar corrections will be made in bold. I will not write down after a quote that I corrected it, you'll just see that.

The park was huge, a grassy place with many trees and play equipment.

It was rather empty, either than a mom on a phone, and a little girl.

I started to draw a picture of her,

and when I came to her smile, I realized it was faked. It was just that gut feeling that told me it was fake. So I walked up to her in the sandbox, and began to make a sandcastle right next to hers. She looked up at me, then back to my sandcastle. With that she smashed it, along with hers, and looked up at me with her blue eyes, partly covered by her long black hair.

"Why did you smush the sandcastles?" I asked, curious to see her point of view. I wanted to take that frown off her innocent face.

"Because it was going to burn down, be wrecked, go away at one point, like any other building on this place." She said. I widened my eyes in surprise, she was so sad for such a small girl.

"Everything is all pretty looking here, isn't it?" She asked, it seemed like an innocent question to me. I brushed my brown hair away from my eyes, which were equally brown as my hair.

"It sure is, the birds, the wild flowers, all of it is pretty!" I remarked, trying to cheer her up with something as simple as the tone of my voice.

"One day it wont be here, the sun will burst one day, pollution will get worse." She stopped, like she did not want to go on. This little girl seemed to know something.

"How do you know this?" I asked, trying to keep my lip from quivering. This small child was starting to scare me. Today was an interesting day.

"My teacher made us do a project on someone special to us. I chose the homeless, the poor, the hungry. I even went to visit some, they told me a lot that I did not know about life" She said, frowning at the memory. "Really, we have a mad world. The rich people, people like us with money, have a house. They have food, clothes, a happy life. We watch funny television shows, we forget about the sadness."

"What sadness?" I asked, clueless to what this girl was getting at. Clearly, the homeless must of been telling her stories.

"The government makes all this fancy technology. They don't fund a lot of money for the homeless. Miss, people die everyday. The government does not care. They do not go out and help. The are mean people." She said calmly. I took in every word she said to me. Birds stopped chirping, they seemed to listen. She told me stories of the homeless, things that people do. I never noticed the sun setting.

"Marcy, time to go!" She shouted at her daughter, not realizing the knowledge of the little girl. The little girl looked at her mom, then back at me.

"Miss, I have to tell you something!" Marcy shouted, frantic, like she wanted to say goodbye but did not have enough time. She walked up to me, and hugged me tight.

"We have such a mad world!" Marcy sang, running towards her clueless mother.

She changed me, that little girl with blue eyes. So I guess its true, we have a mad world behind the good. I walked off, brushing sand off my shorts. As I walked towards the exit gates, I let those words fly out of my mouth. "We have such a mad world!"

This was a good story!
Although you need a little work on grammar, spelling, and punctuation, It has a good flow, and a catchy title.
This one part caught me off guard, though.
"Miss,I have to tell you something!" Marcy shouted, frantic like she wanted to say goodbye but did not have enough time. She walked up to me, and hugged me tight.

"We have such a mad world!" Marcy sang, running torwards her clueless mother."

First of all, trowards should be towards.
2: Why would she be frantic, then go and hug the girl?
3: Why would she sing about a mad world? Mothers get impatient sometime,so the girl's mother would probably be dragging her away as she's calling back.
4: In the last paragraph, you used walked twice.

Over all, great story! You can probably get published as a book if you're determined to do so.

~Swiftfur

TheGoonerGirl here for a review!

I'll start off with what I thought was good. Your title captured my attention and you wrote a very interesting story. I really like how you've created imagery for Marcy and made her seem realistic. You've ended your story with a nice piece of imagery.

However, there's always room for improvement. I agree with jordin about some mistakes. SomeAlso, times your sentences can sound a bit clunky, and here's one example:

"It was rather empty, either than a mom on a phone, and a little girl."

Clearly the homeless must of been telling her stories.

Hi there!

Happy Review Day.

manisha here to review.

Starting off I really enjoyed this. You worked on the idea of the world being mad really well. Seeing it being said by a small girl strengthens the whole idea. I like your story telling style which is simple and true.

It was rather empty, either than a mom on a phone, and a little girl.

"Everything is all pretty looking here, isnt it?" She asked, it seemed like an innocent question to me.

"My teacher made us do a project on someone special to us. I chose the homeless, the poor, the hungry. I even went to visit some, they told me alot that I did not know about life"

Birds stopped chirping, they seemed to listen.

Hello Mentee I just saw your post so I had to review anyway sorry you were not on my team.

I sure hope this helps my mentee

I realized it was faked.

"Why did you smush the sandcastles?" I asked, curious to see her point of veiw. I wanted to take that frown off her innocent face.

I enjoyed reading this short story. It was your title that drew me in, it is a very fitting title. I love how you have the tough truths in the form of this young girl and her experiences. It could be seen as creepy or depressing in some ways, but it is certainly the kind of thing to get you thinking. It addresses the tough questions and gives you a situation that other can connect to in their own situations.
I did notice a few grammar things that should be fixed, in the first paragraph where it says 'either than a mom on a phone, either should be other. Also, where it says 'Clearly, the homeless must of been telling her stories.' it should probably be must have.
There are also a few spelling errors, but it didn't take away from the reading, really. If you think those grammar things don't sound right, well, I'm not the most knowledgeable source of information concerning those things. Feel free to disregard my advice.
Besides those, it was a very interesting story, it makes sense and you make good use of the positions the characters are in to make a point. I enjoyed reading it and being reminded of this point of view.
Keep writing!

This, was interesting.

For starters, a little girl would visit the homeless and poor? I am awfully confused on that and,
dont is don't
And, "The are mean..."

"They are mean..."

Knowladge is knowledge.

And, "She shouted at her daughter..."

We need to say,

"The mother shouted at her daughter.." because we were just talking about Marcy, thus, she would go to Marcy.

Other then that, I can't find anything else.

Thanks,

pegasugirl2

Messed up I clicked the wrong button.