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E - Everyone

Thanks For The Pain... Not.

by SecreteJournalist


My teeth chattered in the cold. It was so unusual for it to be cold. At school, we sat in the gymnasium every day in the mornings. The bleachers I sat on were cheap yellow and blue plastic that rolled in and out. Skylights in the ceiling allowed for rays of light to get in. In the middle of the floor in front of the bleachers, a basketball sat. One annoying, cheesy basketball logo. I couldn't focus on that though. There was so much on my mind.
Today is the day I would confront you. The day that I could bring things back to normal. I was determined. I was ready. I sat and wrote in my notebook, creating a story to take my mind off of things. You walked into the gymnasium just as I finished stifling a yawn. The sight of you made me think back to one of the many days I had not a clue you were so cruel.
It was the last day of school. You had moved to the school a few months back. Since you were in my class, we had become close friends. The bell rang, and I had ran out of the classroom, eager to get my bum out of tacky blue plastic chairs, and aged desks. The walls were a tacky blue, white, and yellow in stripe form. The walls, unlike high school, had no lockers to show, they were tucked away in classrooms. The floors were a blueish / greenish tile, many replaced with an obnoxious white granite. The school was over 50 years old. He followed me down the lengthy hallways, and out the metal doors to a sunny day.
The back of the school had several main areas. To the left of the exit was obnoxious blacktop with old cast-iron basketball hoops and bike racks. To the right were a swing set with no swings, and 10 different sized and shaped metal monkey bars. Past that were two dusty fields, one for softball, one for baseball. Between the two fields were a large grassy area for play. In-between the grassy area was a black path patched with rock and tar. That lead to the back entrance to the school yards that was ALWAYS unlocked. I looked back at him, and saw his phone sticking out of his backpack. I snatched it up, and right away he saw me. "I have your phone, HA-HA!" I taunted. In result, he tackled me to the grass. I held a firm grip on the phone. He tickled me until I finally gave up the phone. By then, we were both panting from the heat and exhaustion. He grinned at me, then ran to catch up with his other friends. Through-out the summer we had texted, called, and hung out with each other.
As I wrote, I peered up at you. Laughing, teasing, old self. That laugh that I would surly miss. But you had changed. I really can't change it like I had planned. My confidence deflated, my plan lost. A memory that would not go away found me.
When school had started back up, we slowly drifted apart. You had promised me we would stay close. But that did not work. Everyday, you would be waved at by someone in the the popular group. They were the group that I just couldn't stand. By the third month of school, you had totally ditched me. No longer would we speak other than in the hallways. One day you were laughing.. at me. I heard the popular people drop to a whisper as I walked by. Smirks and looks of pity upon their faces. It took all I had not to cry. I looked right at him. He made eye contact. " How could you be so mean? " I whispered. I ran away to my next class.That was the time that I realized he was not as nice as I had thought. Since then you tried to apologize, but you never really meant.
I waited until I saw you come up the stairs of the bleachers to put my notebook away." Hey , " He said casually, studying my face for a second. I just wished he would go away. " What's wrong? " He said, clearly not realizing the depression I felt. " Are you mad at me ? " He retorted. My mind rolled through what to tell him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, burst that confident ego. " Yes ... for a while now " I said slowly, carefully shielding my depressed emotions with a pained smile. Silence filled my mind. Waiting for him to say something. Anything. He started to name off reasons why, each time I shook my head. " Just stop, please, it's too late " I said, trying to get the lump in my throat to go away. " Ok.. Ok.. " He echoed, and for the first time I swore I saw a frown on his face. It was replaced with a smile as he walked off to his friends, acting like I didn't exist. Like it never happened. That just made the lump in my throat bigger.
My friends came, and I realize it was time to be happy, not stress the unchanging past. But there he was. Sitting with me and my friends. I couldn't take it. I let my anger show, and stared up at him quietly. He had already angered half of my friends from past experiences, it was my job to make him leave. I was sure of it. "Go.. just go, " I said, allowing the anger to mix into my sorrow. " I'm not leaving " He taunted, not knowing he was making it so much worse. My friends echoed me, telling him to leave. So I knew I had to man it up. " Please, just leave me alone!" I shouted, but it only came out as a whisper. "Well as long as you say please" He crooned, and slowly left to his real friends. With the deed done, I only half listened as my friends talked, watching him out of the corner of my eye, wondering if I did the right thing. Wondering if I should have given him a second chance. Wondering if I should turn around and apologize.


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241 Reviews


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Thu May 16, 2013 8:58 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello there Mentor doing his duty sorry if I am too harsh.

My teeth shattered in the cold.
This is totally wrong “My teeth shattered in the cold.” I think you meant “Chattered in the cold”.
In the first paragraph you miss spelled “Cheap” you wrote “Cheep”, another spelling mistake is “Allowed” you wrote “Alowed”, another thing is you wrote “infront” it is two words not one “in front”.
an basketball sat.
this was written wrong read through it.
notebook,creating
There should be a space here, you also misspelled “Stifled” you spelled it “stiffiling” another thing is is like you are telling someone a story you are making it very personal as if I actually did that.
Something bad is you put “such” in “Such good friends’ wrong that is wrong just erase it and it will be good, you miss spelled “High School” it is two words not just one you need to give your character a name in the beginning.

Okay I would advise going through this with a spellchecker most of you mistakes are you put two words together that do not belong together.

Anyway some of it did not make sense but the rest was really good you had a good story line and you had a lot of very good feeling in it it made me feel sorry for you character.

This was good.

Keep writing and good luck.
~Jon~ :pirate3:






Thanks! (:



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Tue May 07, 2013 9:34 pm
SalmanK wrote a review...



Its casual but not In a bad way .

I cant really say I enjoyed reading this but it has potential .

It demonstrates problems of every day life in a way .

So good work and keep on writing .

Can u please comment or review my work as well .

work.php?id=101303




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171 Reviews


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Tue May 07, 2013 8:24 pm



Sorry about my grammar and punctuation everybody ! ;o I am not exactly the best, but I do appreciate all the advice </3 . Thanks!!!!




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Tue May 07, 2013 3:20 pm
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therealme wrote a review...



Awesome! You've written a beautiful piece :)
this story is truly amazing, it appeared to me as very catchy as anyone in a certain age group can relate to it (including me!!). although, I'll just mention some things you might want to work on...
I think that you could add more detail, along with more imagery. Describe the surroundings. Let us see the scene. Using metaphors and simile (as long as you stay away from cliche) can help alot! Also put some more emotion in.
The text is a bit 'wall like' meaning you haven't used very good paragraphing. I strongly sudgest you improve this.
Overall, this has potential, just fix this up.
Good luck and keep writing!




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Mon May 06, 2013 5:06 pm
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Kaylyn wrote a review...



Ok. Just some minor things:

Grammar:

"appologize" should be apologize. Just take out the extra p

" Go.. just go " I said, allowing the anger to mix into my sorrow."
When dialogue is used it should look like this:
"Go...just go," I said, allowing the anger to mix into my sorrow."
Use the comma instead of having a blank space after the character has spoke their piece. Also when using ellipses, it should be three dots such as ... don't use two, or four, or more. Also you don't need to space between quotation marks.
Just correct all the dialogue in this piece and you should be good to go.

Content:
I think that you could add more detail, along with more imagery. Describe the surroundings. Let us see the scene. Using metaphors and simile (as long as you stay away from cliche) can help alot! Also put some more emotion in.

Overall, this has potential, just fix this up. If you have any questions, PM me. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay




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Mon May 06, 2013 4:44 pm
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ChimeraMania wrote a review...



Okay love the story wish it explained more about what's happening. And wish it was cut up in paragraphs. You only had a couple of punctuations. I understand the whole story, but what I don't understand is where she's at. You said that she put her notebook on the bleachers, but you didn't say if it were the bleacher in a gym or the one outside by a football field. Plus I don't even know if she is at school or not. She could be at a school gathering or something. Plus what happened to them in the past. You just started off with her being mad at him and not talking to him. I hope you do a fastback type thing, because that would be cool.
Okay so I really did love this a lot. Hated it ended so quickly. Hate that it's not a novel. Wish that it was. Sorry this is a short review, I can't really point out all the punctuations right now, have class work, but just read through it and you'll find them.




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Mon May 06, 2013 4:41 pm
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EnigmaticSpirit wrote a review...



Right, first things first, your story needs to be split up into smaller paragraphs, not just one huge paragraph. I've heard that a lot of readers on here will skip huge paragraphs in stories. You always start a new line when someone else is speaking. Your punctuation needs some work and I have a few examples to show you:

"Hey" He said casually.
This could be re-written as: "Hey," he said casually.
The same could apply for some other sentences such as "Just stop, please, its too late", "Go... just go", "I'm not leaving" and "Well as long as you said please"

Also in the sentence "Just stop, please, its too late"
Remember its shows possession and it's is short for it is. In this context, you'd be using "it's" so the sentence would be "Jut stop, please, it's too late."

"Whats wrong"
This is a question and needs a punctuation mark at the end. There should be an apostrophe in "whats" so that it becomes the shorter version of "what is".
This would become: "What's wrong?"

I also came across this: "Wondering if I should of given him a second chance."
it should be "Wondering if I should have given him a second chance."

You don't need spaces between the speech marks and words and I'll show you an example so that you don't get confused: " Please, just leave me alone ! "
This should be "Please, just leave me alone!"

Your tenses need some working on. Here's an example where one of your characters is speaking to the narrator: " Well as long as you said please "
The said makes no sense. It should be changed to say so that it becomes "Well as long as you say please,"


Other than the mistakes I listed above, it was a good, well-written piece of work which I enjoyed reading. Keep up the good work and carry on writing!




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Mon May 06, 2013 4:26 pm
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youngtalentkritz wrote a review...



congrats...you've written a beautiful piece.
this story is truly amazing, it appeared to me as very catchy as anyone in a certain age group can relate to it (including me!!). although, i like to point out some points that i think you need to review.
1. proof read the text.(spellings are wrong. e.g.'apologize' spelled as "appologize".)
2.change paragraphs.(otherwise it would appear as an article.)
3."Today was the day I would confront you." i did not understood this particular bit. it can be "today is the day when i would confront you". (i think)

sorry,if i offended you, these are just my personal feedbacks.
and i'm sorry again if i am wrong anywhere.
keep writing!! all the best!!
god bless!! :)





We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare