"What represents you?"
I don't know how to answer at first; the counselor's smile holds me back.
"Sweetie, what represents you?"
My eyes sweep the room, trying to find an item, quickly. I can't stand to see that pitying smile. I can't. I say a pencil.
"How does this pencil represent you?"
'Do you really want to know?'
"Tell me, dear. Tell me."
I grab a pencil off her desk, twirling it between my slender fingers. How does this represent me? Will it tell me? It's not speaking.
"Do you have an answer?"
'Why do you want to know?'
"Please, just tell me your awnser."
I sense a frown this time. I can't help but grin. No more stupid counselor smile. It's gone, all gone.
"I guess we will just have to end the session.."
'No, let me say my answer.'
'A pencil starts out new, new eraser, new lead. That's me. I was born new.'
"Is that all?"
I want to say more.
'This pencil led gets used as I grow older. I have a lot of mistakes, so my eraser is a nub.'
"What else?"
Pushy.. This lady is pushy. I continue anyways.
'The pencil eventually is just a nub. Meaning I die.'
"Anything else?"
'The pencils a nub, me, but guess what's not. My life. It was full of words and pictures and creative things.'
"That's a nice theory."
'Yeah.'
"You may leave now."
'I don't want to leave.'
"Do you have more to say?"
I glance at the scars on my wrist. I feel the throbbing pain of the bruises on my back where no one can see.
'I want to stay here.'
"Here at the hospital?"
Yes, here at the hospital. Away from Mother and Father. Away from society. They can't rot the wood of my pencil.
"I'll phone your parents and inform them of the arrangements."
Thanks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That conversation shocks me every time I rewind and listen to the recording on the little DVR I was given. Even just the memories pain me. Every detail I add in my head as the recording plays. Over and over, I go over what I said. Over what my thoughts that day happened to be. Just the memories that I so dearly regret. Past me was so stupid. So stupid. She had one smart idea, a pencil. Only one. Why did she choose to go to a hospital? Why?
A knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts. I make sure to fluff out my hair, flatten the wrinkles in the dull gown that hangs on my body, and then call in the doctor.
"Hello, Miss Shrein, ready for your treatment?"
"I suppose..."
"Perfect! Let's go."
That fake smile bugs me. We pass a mirror in the hallway. I see a girl with brown hair and pale skin. She has gray eyes. The only difference is that this girl is smiling. I scream, scared the mirror lady is going to get me.
"Help me! She's going to... Help!" I shriek, running down the hallway away from the mirror.
"Not again." The doctor murmurs to himself.
They rush to my room. I wasn't there. They looked through restrooms, patient rooms, the cafeteria, storage closets. At last, they come upon the basement. What do they find? A pencil in my chest. One that's just a nub.
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
Hmm. An interesting seed of an idea, but I feel like it could be developed a little differently to cut out some of the cliches... or at least to bring in more freshness. The parental abuse isn't really crucial to the story, for instance, and I don't think adds much. There are some good details here -- I really like the therapist's frowny voice, for instance -- but I feel like there could be more of those. It seems to move very quickly from therapy to suicide, without much journey in between, so maybe a little more there? The final paragraph is killing me with the simultaneous change in tense (rush/wasn't), perspective (narrator suddenly becoming omniscient?), and world (from reality to world in which people communicate from beyond the grave). Maybe a little much for a few short sentences to handle.
Neat idea, good start. I feel like you could build more into this.
Hi this is Em101cats here to review!
Oh. My. Gosh. This is amazing!!!!!! I love how you foreshadow that the pencil is important, then make it way more important than your readers think. That AMAZING ending is so suspenseful that you should think about making more novels! I'd definitely read them!
Just a nitpick: "The pencils." Correction: "The pencil's."
Another nitpick: One of the speaking lines in the recording of the narrator is not surrounded by the oh-so-important quotation marks.
And lastly, the last nitpick: One of the times you say lead you spell it "led," which is the wrong use of the word.
I'm sorry to sound so picky, but I only want to help you improve your already-brilliant skills of writing!
Now, finally, on to what I loved.
EVERYTHING! The suspense! 'She killed herself? But why? My gosh! The suspense! I can't believe it. What happened to this poor girl?' Not that I want you to add that in there, as much as I want to know why she did it and what treatment she had. I like writers to leave at least a LITTLE bit of slack between all the details sometimes. I want to think myself! And pretty much everything else! Need I say everything? I hope not. You wrote the short story so you know everything about it. And so you know what I liked... EVERYTHING! Hope I helped!
~Em101cats~
Interesting...This does seem a little disturbing but I am sure that is what you are going for. Maybe a little more description would help of the characters and mentioning the fact that the first part of the story is a recording. Other than that, good work.
OK wow!
I loved this piece, it was fast pace and I couldnt stop reading it. I wanted to know more and more. I love how you kept drama mixed with terror into it. I didn't like that you don't know what kind of treatment, but I guess that's just my opinon I kinda wanted to read more, know more. If that makes any since. lol. Anyways I like that there was a conversation to start your whole piece off. The ending of your piece was astonishing and surprising. I love how It can make someone feel different things. Yhanks for letting me read I would love to read more.
Ok, wow. So, like @Iggy said, if the first half was just a recording, why was there more than dialogue? I like that you signified the counselor by making it bold. Maybe it was supposed to represent her pushiness, I don't know. So...I like and yet I don't like the mystery of this piece. The writer in me says that it pulls people in and it's well-written, but the reader in me wants to know more. Who is she? Why did she kill herself? What happened? That's what the reader half of me wants to know. But back to reviewing. I didn't see any grammar errors, so that's good. You weren't too wordy, but you were still descriptive, so that's also good. Well, that's all I have to say. Great job!
Greetings. c:
A few nitpicks:
Comma splice. Fix it.
Not sure that any sense. If you take out "something" then I think it would flow better.
Another comma splice.
Lead*
Eraser's*
Pencil's*
Also, I assume you mean "like me" here? If so, add in "like".
Mother and Father*
I'll*
Sentence fragment. Remove the comma and add in "is".
Okay, so wow, this was pretty good! It could do with some cleaning up, though.
First, if the first half was meant to be just a recording, then I'm confused as to why it was more than just dialogue. Not that adding in details, like "he said, she did", aren't nice; on the contrary, I adore those. But when the narrator is just listening to a recording, normally all that is given is the dialogue. Occasionally, a [papers rustle around] or something like that. I dunno. I just think it would make more sense if it was just dialogue since it's a voice recording, but whatever floats your goat.
Second, I don't like the fact that they look in her room last. I don't think that's very accurate, since that's often the first place one would look when looking for someone. I suggest you say she kills herself in somewhere more secluded, somewhere they would think of last, like the basement or something.
But other than that, this was good! I like the metaphor the pencil signifies and how she explains why she chose a pencil to represent herself. It made a lot of sense and I especially loved the ending, how she kills herself with a pencil. Morbid, yet genius. This was overall a nicely written piece and I enjoyed it very much!
Wait, what happened? What's the second part? Who's narrating that? CONFUSED
Ah. I can't read
Wow. Will this be a novel anytime soon? Or is it just a short? It's a good story, I like it, and I like how she describes herself as a writers favorite tool. But why did she kill herself? And why did she want to stay? Something wrong at home? Sorry this review is only full of questions.
The story is still good.
I wasn't planning on making it a novel... my short story skills aren't the best. And why did she kill herself? :3 That's the suspense. Thanks for the praise though c,:
Hey Unnatural here.
I read this over like 3 times because it was just absolutely magnificent. I'm usually a very critical reviewer, but I can't (or don't want to) find any blemish here. I think the length is perfect, and all the words are chosen carefully.
Great story. I can see how much thought you gave into this. There's so much meaning into this story
Please keep writing!
Oohh that's deep. And it's really really sad. One thing I wanted to say is that in her replies/thoughts (the unbolded words) you should have quotation marks around what she is actually saying. I was confused on what she was saying and what she was just thinking. If you are worried about keeping her separated from the counselor, the bold does that just fine.
Really scary in a way.... just her and a pencil. The story has come full circle.
I liked it