Oh man I hate those dreams >.< They're scary!! But I liked the story.
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"Mummy."
"Mummy wake up."
The voice pulls me from my slumber. A light glows softly through out the room. Just a simple LED alarm clock, clear case and a black screen displaying green numbers reading "3:02 A.M" in digital format.
"Mummy, come quick!"
The oddness of it all pulls me quickly up and out of bed. Slipping on my white robe, and tying up the lace to keep it shut, I head to the noise.
"Mummy, where are you?"
The voice sounds vaguely familiar. Through the dark, it's hard to sense my surroundings. I do realize I'm at home, in my cozy, white washed apartment. But that voice... why does it sound so familiar?
"This way, hurry up mummy!"
Oh no. It's the voice of a girl. I miscarried a girl at 20. I'm 23 now. Is this her? If only Jinx was here. He passed away 2 years ago at war. I sucked in a breath, trying to keep in a sob. I missed Jinx. I missed the chance to have a child. I keep walking as my mind continues to swirl in confusion.
I turn the corner, and follow the voice to the attic. Two doors now. One to the bathroom, one to a closet. The second door is open. Inside, is a human. At least I think it is. All of this is rather bizarre to me.
"Mummy, come inside with me." The voice coos.
I push open the door. Slowly, trying not to disturb the human. Or maybe it was a rat. The human's teeth were wrong, and it lacked eyes. The mouth was just one lip that didn't move. I scream as it crawls closer.
Closer.
Closer.
It's upon me, ripping away my flesh. "Stop! Why me, why me?" It hurts so much, I feel my flesh against it's mangled fingers.
"Son of a bitch, leave me alone!" I screech, kicking and shouting.
And then I truly wake up with my daughter at my side. Her face is perfect, not a single thing wrong. All a dream. All a dream. At least it was, until I noticed that she had one lip. Not again!
Oh man I hate those dreams >.< They're scary!! But I liked the story.
This is really cool. And so creepy (in a good way!)
I was a little confused at the line "Oh no. It's the voice of a girl. I miscarried a girl at 20. I'm 23 now. Is this her?", which seems like you were just trying to get all the info out at once. It's a little weird that she jumps right to the conclusion that this is her miscarried baby, instead of first being confused. Unless this has happened before?
Other than that, fantastic. I couldn't stop reading this. Keep writing!
Woah. At first you think it's just that it's a mom being wakened by there daughter. But then you realize she had a miscarriage! Then you read more and find that her own daughter tried to kill her! I loved it when she 'woke up' to find herself in another dream! It's so strange and twisted that I love it! Can't wait to read more of your writing! Keep Writing!
~Tori~
I really, really, really enjoyed this! It was twisted and just fantastic!
You're details and imagery are amazing! You're an awesome writer.
There's nothing to change. Good punctuation, correct grammar.
I loved the ending!
Hi SecreteJournalist!
This is a very interesting story you have here. I really like how you wrote this out. We, the reader,s find out what's happening exactly at the moment she did. I felt like I was practically watching her put the pieces of the puzzle together. I thought that was really cool.
I think it's the perfect length too. And oh my gosh I loved the ending. It made me laugh because it wasn't something I was expecting. Usually these kinds of things happen in movies because it's more visual, but I really liked how you incorporated that into the story!
Now for the really fun stuff: critiques! Haha
I found a few awkward/ out of place sentences throughout. There's only a few. I'll point out a couple.
The humans teeth were wrong, and it lacked eyes.
Face is perfect, not a single thing wrong.
Oh, wow.
Timmyjake here to give you a review.
Once again I am drawn into your story! It starts suddenly and ends suddenly, with nothing but nightmaeres inbetween.
You story is probably something that every mother fears. That she might wake up and find that her baby is hurt.
But this is no normal nightmare for her. She has lost her child and is getting over it still, even after three years.
She thinks she hears her child speaking to her. She thinks she feels its mangled body near her. But then she finds it to be a nightmare.
Is the last part a nightmare again? Does it begin again and again?
As far as grammar goes, I find no fault. Punctuation is good too, true to your form. And I like how you put the italics to separate her thoughts and her imagined voice of her child.
A great short story, although quite sad.
Points: 2990
Reviews: 74
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