This was really good guys! I wish I had something to say...but I don't. *sigh*
This, I enjoyed... Though faith here took all of my thoughts.
Nice job you two. This duet was a smart choice for it came out very nicely.
And I'd like to say happy birthday to Morgan over here...
I'm saying this so it can be pushed back up to the top.
*AsN: This was finished at 2am by Morgan and I. It's a duet, of sorts.
I absolutely loved this. You guys really wrote a great poem here. I loved it, so no criticism. It was perfect.
first of all, you work well together. but this is a little disjointed, for obvious reasons, since two people wrote it. you have thought swhich just sort of fade out with no resolution, and others which are overstated. some nice moments though
Breaking your sound barrier with words
you can't comprehend and you don't fit any more
because you don't fucking fit.
You've tried to squeeze yourself with effort,
but after a while, it starts to hurt
and the secrets placed in your 8th grade notebooks offer
a sort of solemn antithesis to your current state.
You fight back the tears inside where all your memories lie,
trampled over and forgotten at the very bottom of your soul.
You used to read Shakespeare
because you wanted
it from yourself. (who in their right mind would want to write like shakespeare. he was a real fop, in my opinion.)
Sitting in a cold white room staring at the pictures on the wall.
I know how you feel.
And it must've hurt to watch your world flushed down a gutter
in the light pitter patter of rain we had last spring. You tried
to convince yourself of things impossible
and admittedly, you made it. But now you're watching
as a piece of concrete chinks across faded sidewalk-cracked and jagged-
and your hands slip down your side in the exact way (nice)
hers did. It must've stung to know
your perfection (invincibility) was as real
as her love for computers. (the ending of this stanza sort of made me go, huh? her love for computers just sounds so...out of place. actually it kind fo made me snort a little. hee)
Do you remember the sound of autumn and the
sacred whispers of winter?
Do you remember the apathy we felt for another
year of high school and all the clamor of home room?
Was the sound of chalk on blackboards a sort of
lace reminder that you didn't know everything there was to know? (i like everything in this verse above this line)
Do you miss the way the chem lab smelled?
Does the sound of bells ring in your ears?
Is another year of high school enough?
Do you feel the apathy growing?
Do you feel it?
Do you feel it?
I miss you. (too much repetition, and the ending sort of fizzles out like a fourth of july sparkler. that was a metaphor, albiet not a very good one, but an example of what you should have closer to the end of the poem. i think i said before,t hat unless you have a very strong statement to end with, your ending will be anticlimactic unless you end with an image)
Yeah, I like it. I have nothing to say, due to it was...PERFECT! WOW! I love it. Only the last parts were a little awkward due to all the questions that you wrote, but other than that, it was really good.
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