This was actually really good. sort of universal, a lot of us could relate. Not much else to say...well done, though, Brad.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Wow, I really liked this! And I could relate to what you're saying.
some crit:
classrooms are too small
the chalkdust always invades my nostrils *invades...hmmm, good word. I hate that! It's so itchy...*
and the professors spit like
madagascarian roaches *Ouch.*
and it used to be bearable
and i used to be able to smile at the little notes you passed me *way to flow into the main topic smoothly! That was an awesome transition!*
Basically you described school and then started talking about your *girl*friend. Cool. It sounds great
but fuck this
i'm not yours *That's cute. It goes back to the whole possessive thing we discussed earlier*
and i don't know when i started
being so subversive to your
whims
Cute. I liked that. Even the expletive seemed in place.
perhaps if you could be collected
on white paper made in south america
transport yourself here and
become required reading i would care
to thumb through your rough edges
and like the little cuts you leave me with
*I like it. You bring school and the *girl* together really smoothly. It's nice*
perhaps if you could be stored
in adiabatic containers and
released into the air for me to observe,
i would care to intoxicate myself *Intoxicate...good word! sounds awesome*
with your unwanted presence *ouch*
and fall helpless to your laugh
Sweet. I like the comparasins here.
perhaps if you could be a little less appealing
in black&white photographs and
start being as bloody and fragile *good job, I like how you made it just a touch gory. It gives the poem texture.*
as everyone else
i would be able to rip my eyes off you
and start studying.
*awesome...*
god fuck this and fuck august. *August? is she a girl or what? because you're talking about...march*
get me out of march *This doesn't seem to flow so well with teh rest of it, but it's still good*
Overall, it's a great poem. Really simple, and sweet. I liked it. Good job!
Very...detailed:-D
"in black&white photographs and"
Shouldn't there be a space in there?
I didn't particulary care for the first line, neither the first two in the second stanza...just seemed kind of elementary...