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140,506 Literary Works • 673,261 Reviews
I like the message of it, the whole demon on the inside thing. Maybe elaborate on how it affects the behavior of the host? Does the demon control the host's actions, or does the host try to fight it?
This line:
"Baring its teeth
It takes my heart once again
In its terrible jaws"
I don't know, it just seems awkward. The flow of it seems off, like there's no real rhythm or coordination to it. It's bumpy to read, with no punctuation, too. Commas and what not. Yeah.