"Forgive us your excellence, we we're servants who were order to jump from the tower closest to the throne room for dishonoring your castle soldiers im the kitchen this morning," Kevin quickly said remembering the excuse he was told to use if necessary.
"I don't recall children as servants, I'm not THAT heartless," the tyrant of a king said. "To be sure what was the name of the soldier who ordered it?"
"Captain Johnson your excellence, we chose to be servants because we respect you and wanted to be like you when we grew up. So we became servants since we're to young for being soldiers to get closer and learn about your greatness in the hopes of being your top soldiers one day," Yukio said going with the good story Kevin made up.
The tyrant laughed for a minute and said "never liked Johnson, if he wasn't as good as he is in combat I would have killed that suck up a long time ago." He eyed the two of them long enough to make Yukio worry he didn't fall for it when he suddenly said "well why don't you join me in the throne room I have to meet someone, might as well let such great children live a little bit longer."
Kevin and Yukio looked at each other nervously and said together "yes your excellence."
They stood behind him as he met the bandit and discussed the failure of the mission. Despite Yukio silently insisting Kevin stay still like the person guard of the tyrant, he kept looking around if for nothing else an escape route or sightseeing. Suddenly Yggdrassil's words echoed in his mind. "I warned you, I told you not to go in that one room and you didn't listen now you will die for it."
Kevin suddenly noticed he was covering his ears screaming as Yggdrassil's words kepted echoing at a screaming loud tone in his head and felt like a blade piercing his skull. When they suddenly stopped he realized not even a split second passed but Yukio felt the same. Right as the tyrant held his blade at the bandits neck he pointed to Kevin and Yukio "it's him, I don't recognize the girl but that's the boy who set me on fire."
The tyrant turned towards Kevin. He faced Yukio and whispered quietly enough only she could hear "the second you get the chance run for the window I will be right behind you. I promise, I never break promises you know that."
Kevin walked forward, "really, you claim you were outdone ny a child. Not to mention you claim I have magical powers, that's as believable as saying I can grow wings." Kevin turned towards the tyrant, "your excellence I have been condemned, but I have to say you have got the greatest storyteller I have ever heard. Your not only wise, strong and smart, but you keep great company. You should be the idol of children across the world."
Without realizing it at first he suddenly burst into flames. "What the, ahhhhhh." He started screaming but was far TOO late in reacting.
"Yes child I am and I do, now you're a prisoner instead of condemned."
He realized his only way to escape was to fight now but his magic felt very weak in this room. "Why am I suddenly so drained," Kevin thought to himself. He managed to ignite his arms but couldn't get more, he rushed the tyrant and ran for the door blasting it away but about to pass out Yukio ran through to the window they had agreed but realized Kevin could no longer move from such strain and grabbed him as she jumped out the window. She pointed a finger at the water below and lightning shot at the water making a big splash to cover their escape. She suddenly saw what looked like a barrier around her and sunk to the bottom of the river surrounding the castle. Yukio looked around and saw nothing when a kid jumped in the water suddenly surround by a identical barrier and motioned her to follow. She noticed they were looking at sewer bars when suddenly she saw a barrier form around the bars of one that had a light behind it. Then the barrier shifted to move the bars away and Yukio carried the unconscious Kevin through and saw the bars placed back. She was then lifted upwards and out of the water to see two more kids she didn't recognize.
"He needs a bed and rest, he pushed to much with his magic so I could escape."
The boy she saw told her to follow and led her to a dimly lit bedroom like section of their hide out. She imagined its like the shack in their case. Suddenly a soft blue light came from the boys hands and Kevin looked less tense.
"He is fine, lucky considering where you were. Who are you and why did you come here this morning?"
"How did you know?"
Yukio asked.
"Kaiden who was next to me has the ability to sense magic from a distance, he can also sense it without even being used. We knew the second you were close enough to see the city and have watched you closely since. Answer my question."
"Perhaps introductions would help then? I'm Yukio, that's Kevin you just healed. Yeah I can sense magic but not without first being used sadly. And all I can do by that is tell it's purpose. We came because we followed a bandit that attacked our village, because Kevin was able to determine they were only a middle man. Now it's your turn, what is your name, and why did you save us?"
"Kyle, but because we fight in the rebellion from the shadows we use nicknames to avoid being truly identified and being able to leave messages anywhere in the city at any time. Call me glimmer." He lit his hands blue and put them to his sides unlighting them again. "Pretty sure I don't need to say where the nickname comes from. Sarah who brought you here is barricade. Again self explanatory. Kaiden is called elusive, not as self explanatory but hey nobody is perfect. We know who you are Yukio, are you here to aid us or are you going back to exile now? Yeah we know, it's the only way you'd come so far considering the distance to the nearest village."
"We CAN assist you, but we DO need to report our findings on the bandit we followed at the very least to the people of our village first before that. Plus what WE do is up, to him not me, contrary to what you might believe he is stronger smarter and and a better leader than me. I can't make any decision without hearing him first. Otherwise it's I not we."
"Fair enough, hopefully you can help us though. Between the three of us here none of our magic is really suitable for a fight, just recon and defense. You both would be a big help."
Kevin awoke that night to Yukio asleep on the floor next to a bed he was on head leaned against him and he saw she had tear marks which meant she was crying, by the looks of it recently too. He tried to get up without waking her but failed. "Kevin?" She rubbed her eyes.
"Where are we?" He asked.
"In what is probably like the local magical children's equivalent of our shack." She answered now looking at him.
"Well then we're safe for now." He wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. "Why are you crying?"
"Because I was worried you jerk. We almost died, you fell unconscious, I didn't know when you would wake." Yukio said fighting tears.
Kevin wiped away her tears and got up. "I'm starving do we have anything to eat?"
"Nope, you both left your stuff in the servants hall. Luckily for you we knew the guy and retrieved it for you." The boy tossed him the a large object with a lot more than what they brought. "We look forward to your possible return after giving your report to your village, we resupplied you for your return trip to your village you can thank glimmer for that. But I recommend you stay the night, every soldier in the city was put on duty the second you escaped, good route by the way. Until at least sunrise I don't see any way to escape without alerting every soldier in the city. As for your bandits, they have the city surrounded by waves of archers who have probably been ordered to shoot any besides soldiers who leave the city. They have metal arrows now I believe because of his fire. He will also be too weakened for the night anyway. As for the bandit leader Chelsea she is alive for now waiting at the mountain pass I would assume since you have no other way to get back, somehow I doubt she expects her bandits to do more than slow you down."
Kevin looked shocked worse than what Yukio could do with lightning. "The bandit leader is a woman?"
"Yup as much a woman as they come, her bandits don't know it, in fact I don't think more than a handful DO know. I'm surprised she can hide it considering what she looks like under her armor."
"Pig," Yukio said.
"Not what I meant girlie, she wasn't always a bandit. I only know because one of us here is her kid, though she doesn't know about us we know about her. That's why I said probably not even a handful know about her, though counting you now it is a handful 5 exactly."
"You said her name is what?" Kevin asked to make sure he remembered it.
"Chelsea, though I don't recommend letting her know you know. Let's just say everybody who did find out didn't live long enough to spread the news, and she is a much better fighter when angered. Which she will be if you say that name to her. Whatever she fought like before, she will be about 5 times faster and stronger than that if she hears you say her real name. Out of curiosity what name did she use?"
"Kyoma."
"That's odd, that is the name of her husband, she killed him herself, brutally I should add when she found out he cheated, she went from being the best soldier in the castle to the most feared local bandit. Only us, and you know her to have two identities. If at all possible please spare her and just inflict a wound that prevents her from fighting anymore. It could save your village, and a mother who still has a kind side though she rarely shows it."
"You said she was the mother of one of you, if I can I will spare her sure. But I only promise to if the opportunity presents itself. If it doesn't I will take her life." Kevin said no longer looking the boy in the eye as much for his sake as the mother. Kevin hoped to avoid having to kill her though.
"That's all we can ask is for you to try. It won't be easy for him to accept he lost his mother but I doubt he would blame you if you had too."
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Okay, Love the twist. So Kyoma is really a woman Named Chelsea. Never so that one coming and this chapter has me intrigued a lot. I hope chapter 8 is as good.
Here to review
If I point out anything which you think you've covered in an earlier chapter then feel free to ignore it as I'm coming in a bit late.
This is a pretty strong opener but how does Kevin feel about this? Is he worried that the king will actually make him go through with it or more concerned that the king won't believe him? It seems like a really awful excuse!Specifics
1.
2. This feels more like something a teenager would say and doesn't make your king sound very scary. Also, using full caps is a little too dramatic - you should be able to show that a word is stressed without needing to sue formatting. Maybe: 'I don't recall using children as servants. I'm not so harmless as my enemies would have you believe, but if you insist, what was the name of the soldier who ordered it?'
3. One, I'm going to stop pointing out your typos so have a careful read through to make sure you find the rest. Two, it's not a 'good story' - it seems more likely to get them killed
4. The pace of this is moving too quickly and there's not a lot of time for character development or getting sucked into the story. Quite a lot of what happens feels over dramatic so maybe tone it down a little and focus on strong dialogue and characters a little more.
5. Whose arms does Kevin ignite? It sounds like his own since it's not specified but I imagine it's someone else since he's already on fire and probably doesn't want to hurt himself more.
6. If Yukio has powers, why didn't she stay and help Kevin escape from the start? It seems strange that someone so powerful would even be worried about getting away from the king?
7. The kids turning up is a little odd - maybe there needs to be some talk between the two groups like 'woah, where'd you come from' 'we're here to help' just to set the scene a little bit. At the moment they seem to just assume that they're on the same side and run off together and then only do the question asking afterwards. True, they rescued them, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't have lots of questions about who the kids are and uncertainty as to whether they can trust them.
8. If Kyle uses a nickname to keep from being identified, he should be more cautious about giving his real name away to people he barely knows.
9. People just don't talk like this. I don't care how smart Kevin is or how close they are, she wouldn't be quit so loud about it. She can say he's the smart one or he's in charge, but this is over the top.
10. I just wanted to say that I like the code-names of these three characters and that you gave them defensive powers. It's nice to see characters who aren't all powerful destroyers in a fantasy. It helps keeps things a little more realistic. Good job!
Overall
There's a lot of action here and that makes part of this fun, but it's also hard to feel really involved in the story because it's a bit fast paced and unrealistic. I'm not worried about the characters at any point because it feels too unreal for them to get seriously hurt - it feels like a story if you know what I mean? If you add some more description and slow the pace down to build the tension, you'll have a better job of making us believe that you might actually let a character get injured or die. An author's number one job is making the reader believe that the story is real.
Best of luck with this and keep writing!
~Heather
Heyo!
I think I've reviewed one of these installments before, and it's like I'm coming back to an old friend
Yep, Chaser's right. You need to tighten up your grammar, especially with your commas.
You use commas to emphasize a short pause in a sentence. See, in the sentence right here, I'm using commas because I want you, the reader, to pause slightly in between words. Here, let e give some examples in your writing-
you need a comma in between 'said' and 'remembering', so it looks like this:
those are two different ideas in one sentence. Kevin said something quickly(1), and he also remembered that there was an excuse he was told to use if necessary(2). that's another way yo can tell if you need a comma. Here's another example-
This sentence was confusing. How is Yukio's head leaned on him if he's on the bed and she's on the floor?
Well, here's my revised version:
Of course,there are a million ways to revise that sentence- this is just how I would change it- but you get the gist. It needed a period and a couple of commas, as well as some grammar corrections.
I really like your story, Kev, but you really need to work on the grammar. It's not always so important if they're little errors, but when there are so many, it gets a bit discouraging. Don't worry, though. Grammar is something you pick up naturally over time, and as soon as you get that shaped up, you're going to be a truly great writer.
Good luck, and happy review day!
~Satira
Since there's no feedback yet...
Darnit, Kevin, I like your story, but grammar, man. Use commas with great prejudice. Be sure to space out your paragraphs as well.
As for your storytelling technique, it works well in most instances. However, I must say that the large chunk of text with their escape from the throne room could use more tension. If you can set the scene a bit more and place the reader within the action, it could become the highlight of this chapter.
That actually goes as a general rule. In an action-oriented scene, it's often better to show than tell. To sum it up, behaviors or sensations based on emotions can often convey those emotions to the audience.
I know you hate when I ask for setting, but a resistance base just isn't your typical setting. So please, give it a few sentences of detail. It has some excellent potential.
On other side notes, please deal with the perspective shift from Kevin to Yukio. Also, give the king a name already. Add a bit of characterization for the other resistance members. Watch for rambling dialogue. Also, you don't need those CAPITAL words. Try italics.
Well, that's all. Have a nice day.
-Chaser
Yup, and although commas are not my strong area, you have to admit I'm doing a lot better than when I wrote the first couple chapters. I'm a fast learner in some things, sadly as much as I enjoy it writing isn't one of those things.
Would you mind clarifying a bit more how you are asking me to space out my paragraphs?
Their escape from the throne room was in haste, because if it wasn't clear enough their magic is severely weakened in the throne room. It causes a great strain on them if they attempt to use it, and can knock them unconscious for trying. Think of the throne room as made entirely from magic resistant stone, which saps any and all magic used inside it away. In a classic rpg sense, magic power would go down 90% and MP would be drained for every second you are even standing in the room. With that in mind, remember they haven't fully mastered ANY of their magic yet. They had to escape before it was too late, and it almost was too late.
Yes for action scenes and stories is better to not play show and tell, just show. Although I believe that is more appropriately applied to a movie. What I was aiming to do with this story is tell a show or tell just enough, and leave the rest up to the readers imagination to keep them guessing until a later chapter when it's explained.
The resistance base is in an underground waterway that spans across the entire capital city, allowing the resistance fighters to come and go from any part of the city as the please. They can enter or exit the resistance base anytime, and from anywhere. Plus since the waterway has gates that open and close they can easily seal of and trap anyone not familiar with the system, meaning even if the tyrant king were to figure out where they hid they could seal off the section he found and all connection areas. Nothing like being trapped to make you an easy target and hit from all sides if you try to escape. A sewer doesn't seem like much of a base, but before seeing a sewer as a lame or stupid base, keep in mind that modern day sewers span under a whole country and are all interconnected. Someone who knows a sewer system well enough could go in from northeast Ohio, and come out in northern Virginia. The waterway in my story utilizes that convenience, and since certain areas can be sealed off at any time it also has a strategic advantage.
Would you mind clarifying the perspective shift with Kevin and Yukio that you're referring to? I haven't given the king a name become I haven't thought of one yet that I felt suits him, I need a name suited for a mid-evil dictator/tyrant. Kind of like how Attila the Hun killed his own brother to take over his people, someone like that would be perfect. But keeping in mind it's a fantasy story I don't want to use real historic figures if I can help it, despite how perfect Attila would be for this story. I plan to give more of a backstory prior to giving him a name, and once you see the backstory it would be very helpful if you and anyone else who reads the chapter(s) containing the backstory could help me come up with a name.
I will probably be giving them more characterization as time goes on, but naming individual resistance members is redundant because they're not really significant as individuals. They're just tiny pieces of a whole, so most ordinary soldiers will probably go unnamed. Personally I dislike using italics, don't like the look or the feel. If you went to a library and picked up a book, you would realize some things a author will use italics for while others they put in all caps. In specific any author that publishes a book does often put things being yelled in caps, while things being explained referenced or said in past tense are often put in italics. But I personally dislike italics, caps look better and is the way it would be written in a book.
Sadly to say when I copied all the files to my laptop from my phone where I had chapter 9 to 15 or so, they came out in a pdf format which means they won't be coming for a little longer. I don't have a pdf reading program, so when I try opening them it doesn't come out properly. I can't publish them yet until I download a pdf format reading program, or software to convert file formats. Luckily I can get one for reading pdf files from cnet.