Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Day Three
Alice is dead.
My sister, the only person I've ever trusted, is dead. And it's all the girl's fault.
I could pretend I don't remember her name, but that would be such a blatant lie. Rory. Her face, seared into my mind, reflects an expression I don't understand. My brain fixes that for me. Her features shift to make more sense; a twisted smirk, narrowed eyes, and upturned eyebrows almost flaunting her pity. False pity, I remind myself angrily, She could've cared less that my sister is dead.
I reach for the radio, turning it up as loud as I can. The dial snaps off into my hand.
"Dammit!" I growl, tossing the useless thing out of the window, "Everything is going to shit!"
First, I watch my sister plummet over the edge of a cliff into the ravenous waters below. Alice had never been suicidal, making clear the only suspect who could've influenced her to become so. Then, when I run after the bitch, she trips and gets herself killed. I never even got my revenge...
I remember finding her body. At the foot of the hill, she lay, crumpled in a messy heap. Her head had hit the rock too fast, too hard. I'd thought about destroying the body, but something about the way she laid, without any honor or dignity, made more sense.
But now I have no purpose. As far as I care, Jose's partner could find me and kill me. I realize how little of a threat I pose, sitting in this truck, hiding from reality.
A sharp rap against my window catches my attention. It's a man. He's skinny with a face that reminds me of a giraffe. If I weren't so angry, I'd laugh at him. He gestures at me to roll down the window with a flick of his wrist. I wonder briefly if Jose's partner sent this man after me and immediately dismiss the thought. He looks too frail to do anything and too untrustworthy to have been hired by anybody. More likely, he just owns this property and wants me off. I could've sworn this cliff wasn't anywhere near a living soul, but I guess I got it wrong.
Getting angry himself, he knocks on my window again. I can't hear what he's saying over the music, but he looks desperate. Sighing, I crack the window.
"What do you want?"
He looks irritated at having to speak over the music, but attempts to speak calmly.
"Does your name happen to be Harold?"
I narrow my eyes. "Who's asking?"
He grins, exposing a set of teeth I'd rather not see.
"You can call me Steven, not my real name of course, but it's better that way."
I roll my eyes. "If you're here to kill me, just skip the speech and get it over with."
"Kill you?" he laughs, "No, not at all! I just wanted to give you something."
"What in the world could you give me?" I'm out of patience.
"What you've been seeking! The girl- she's alive."
A gasp escapes my lips. How? I saw her with my own eyes- she wasn't breathing.
"And," he continues without prompting, "I'll take you to her now."
My mind is racing a million miles an hour. Alive. There's so many questions unanswered. How does he know my name? How does he know I want revenge? Does he know about my sister? I wonder if he's another person she kept secret from me- another "friend"?
My heart stings at the accusation. No, I won't bring Alice into this. Thinking about her mistakes won't bring her back.
I realize my mouth is hanging open and I shut it quickly. Hardening my face, I turn towards Steven.
"You better not be lying."
End of chapter
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Heyyyyy! Forever here for a review!!
A new perspective! I like how you portrayed the minds of people and the fact that people reach to conclusions without even thinking and investigating the actual incidences. In the past chapters too, it was shown like Alice thinking about the death of Rory.
Here, I get some hints of re-union. The way I thought they would re-unite doesn't seem to be in place. Now, maybe Harold will unite with Rory and if that happens, there will be a good fight.. Er... No, Rory escaped. I am mixing up all. Still it's unclear who will unite first, but I hope the union be a good one.
The descriptions in the chapter were really cool. I liked them a lot. Something which I think about the chapter is the tense. Like, you gave a description of Harold trying to pretend and that paragraph. I guess there are some tense problems there. Not only that, the chapter has some tense inconsistencies. Like you described past happenings in present tense whereas the present in past.
Apart from that, the chapter was great. There are many questions unanswered tho, hope to get the answers soon like the past of Alice and Harold, hat made their mother leave them. How this man identified Harold? You have gotta answer these questions.
Ah this man will be disappointed to see that Rory has escaped.
Just lemme know if my review was of any help and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Keep Writing!
~Forever
Hi Rosewood,
Mailice here with a short review!
This was a very interesting chapter after reading the previous two. I think the change of perspective makes it very much an exciting novel. I liked that there was some kind of reflection on Harold's part that you could relate to as a reader, but also thought there was a bit of a flashback.
I felt like you tried to give the story a bit of that kind of flashback after the reader got the information that something had happened; in this case the suicide. I found it a bit confusing at the beginning, and if you highlight it a bit by italic or by some other method, it's easier to see.
When the man called Steve comes in, I thought you cut the sentence structure a bit short with his appearance. I thought that was strange and it didn't read so well in that case. I think you could give Harold more of a chance to give longer explanations here. On the one hand, he's in mourning, and he's also angry, so I'd try to portray that better, given the way he looks. (He wears a grey shirt that resembles a rat skin, etc., as an example). Because I hadn't picked up on that so directly here.
In the end, I found the path towards the end a bit quick. The conversation between Harold and Steve has only just begun and it's already at an end. Since I don't know who Steve is, and I just now had a bit of a thought that it could be some kind of "Mephistopheles from Faust", you would have to introduce this meeting in a better outline than going straight into the dialogues. Here again; Harold doesn't show his anger directly, but more of a boredom and inertia.
Some other points I saw while reading:
Shouldn't it be "as loud as I could" here?
That's a strange expression. Isn't there something missing or is it meant as it says?
Since you have a double pronoun here, but this one is the same, you can remove the first "me" since the second also refers to the first.
The more I read here, the fuzzier the whole story becomes for me.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Thank you yet again! I love the feedback and helpful points you've given me, all very valid.
I do want to add something in case you end up choosing to not read the first few chapters, but, (and spoilers!), Alice's fall from the cliff wasn't a suicide. And as for the first two highlighted portions: 1. I thought I had to make it present tense like the rest of the story? and 2. I could be wrong, but I thought that was just an expression. As for the third highlighted part- no, I totally see that- thanks!
Hello Rosewood I'm GoodieGoat!
From the beginning to the end of your chapter everything is fluid and attention-grabbing and the formatting of your sentences and paragraphs makes things easy to follow. To use the introduction of your chapter for an example it immediately begins with "Day Three" all in bold. I'm reviewing this chapter without having read the other 14 and the prologue but I nevertheless feel grounded as the reader and I think that is a good way to keep fully-read readers oriented.
Afterwards it says "Alice is dead." That peaks my interest and drags my eyes forward with increasing intensity as we're provided with more information and transition into the narrator's recounting of Rory and hatred therein. Then going into the next paragraph each successive one building on itself.
I found that you handled the use of swearing and italicization excellently. There sparing usage reinforces the emotiveness when they are used.
Before I read your chapter I brushed up on my 1st person POV as I'm unfamilar with it. You made excellent use of this POV as I felt the personability with the narrator that 3rd person POV can't really give us never actually being inside the character's mind. The only feedback I feel I can give is to avoid the pitfall of constantly repeating the word 'I'. In saying this it hardly ever happened. To provide some examples when it says "I could pretend I don't remember her name, but that would be such a blatant lie." An option to rephrase that could be "I could pretend her name escapes my mind, but that would be a blatant lie." Or when it says "But now I have no purpose. As far as I care, Jose's partner could find me and kill me. I realize how little of a threat I pose, sitting in this truck, hiding from reality." another possible option might be "But now purposelessness befalls me as I just sit here. Not even caring if Jose's partner found and killed me. I'm so small a threat loitering in this truck hiding myself from reality."
I hope you've found this review encouraging and informative.
-GoodieGoat
Wow, this was incredibly helpful- thank you so much!