Day Four
I don't trust Steven, but his words become more promising when he leads me to a cabin. Instinctually, I reach my hand to make sure my pistol is secured to my belt. He knew the girl by name but I'm not taking any chances.
"After you." He chimes, a hand held out to the door.
"Nice try," I mutter, "You first."
He grimaces, but opens the creaky thing. I hear a woman crying, but the voice is much too old to be the girl that killed my sister. I narrow my eyes at Steven.
"What are you trying to pull? I swear, I'll blow your head off if..."
My voice trails off as he rushes past me, seeming much more concerned than when I'd first seen him.
"An- I mean, Charlotte, what's wrong?" His voice cracks as he passes from my view.
Out of curiosity, I peek around the doorframe into a simple living room. A woman, her hair visibly damaged from some kind of bleaching agent, is pressed against the couch, balling her eyes out. Steven shakes her shoulders but she hardly seems to notice.
"You have to forgive me! She just slipped through the window! I tried to follow her, but she was faster than I thought."
The realization hits me as well as a burst of agony. Rory, the name hitting me like a semi-truck, had escaped.
I pull my gun from my belt and dart it between the both of them.
"Get up, both of you, we're going after her now!"
The woman's eyes practically pop out of her head. "She left an hour ago- sprinting into the woods! She'll be long gone by now!"
I grind my teeth in frustration. "I don't care! We find her or... or... I'll kill you both!"
Steven grips the woman almost protectively, his eyes equally fearful.
"Of course we can, right Charlotte. Here- I have a car. Charlotte and I, we'll drive. You can search the woods."
I shake my head. "You think I'm stupid? Charlotte, if that's even her name, will search the woods with me while you drive around the roads."
Steven nods quickly but his eyes are wide and bloodshot. Charlotte seems less than enthused. She can barely stand, but manages to squeak out something.
"No one will go to the police right? They can't be involved."
I narrow my eyes. "What's she blabbering about?"
Steven begins to look truly scared. "We know what you did... just know I'll go to the police and tell them everything if you do a-" I immediately interrupt him.
"That's not what she was talking about and you know it. This is more than..." I struggle to say her name, "...the girl, isn't it? You've done something too, haven't you? More than just hold her hostage for me. That's why you didn't just go to the police when you found her."
Charlotte whimpers, biting her lip. "It was an accident, I can promise you, Steven didn't mean to hit him with his car!"
Steven's eyes flash to Charlotte, filled with fury. He tries to say something, but it comes out as gibberish. For once, he can't talk his way out of this.
I grin, not one ounce of joy coming from it. "So that's it. At least now I know you can't turn me in. It's settled. You'll drive around, and Charlotte and I will comb through the woods." I dig through my back pocket and pull out two small mobile phones, tossing one towards Steven.
"Call me if you find her. The number is already listed in there, the first one. We'll meet back here."
Steven nods, giving a fleeting panicked look to his wife. She's hardly paying any attention to him but asks me a single question in a surprisingly steady voice.
"What will you do when you find the girl?"
I try to answer, but my words get stuck in my throat. A small voice in the back of my mind speaks up quietly. You don't want to kill her, do you? You just want closure. And you can't bear to live in a world where-
"I'm going to kill her." I say, silencing the tiny voice. "She'll wish she never stepped foot into my family's life."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Heyyyy! Forever with a review!
This was a good chapter. Harold seems to be much more observing than the other two though all three of them are in a bad situation. He observes things a lot more like the descriptions of the characters. All we have got to know about these two characters are from the descriptions of Harold.
I don't really understand the concept of the Police station. Why they don't really want to go to police and what is it with them? Are they criminals? Seems so but it's vague. The main concept. Why will they even go to the Police station? That is of paramount importance.
Who is this he? What did Steven do? Crash into them? If he did that unintentionally, there's nothing to fear about I think. It can be seen as a normal accident. I nedd clarification on the topic..
And still, Harold is misunderstanding Rory. I hope that it settles soon. And hopefully, be it for once, Harold thought of not killing Rory. For the time beibg, let them find Rory. I can't really figute out what I want– if I want them to be successful or not...
Keep Writing!
~Forever
Hi Rosewood,
Mailice here with another short review!
With this chapter I have now seen the three perspectives one after the other and can now also form a better opinion about the individual characters. We have the main character; Alice, her older brother Harold and Alice's girlfriend called Rory.
Alice is quite grown up at the age of fifteen. Sometimes you can clearly tell and sometimes she just pretends to be. But inside she seems to continue to be a teenager who wants to do teenage things, as seen with Rory.
Harold, at twenty-something, is already an adult. He seems like he has a bit of a protective instinct and is also easily upset when something doesn't work out the way he wants it to. He seems to have little patience and gets angry when plans don't work out the way he wants them to.
Finally, Rory. She is Alice's age and seems to have had a normal childhood. She seems sceptical and naive, but still as if she is positive about the future.
Harold's perspective is very interesting and contrasts with Rory and Alice. He is a man of action. He thinks little and is like a bull that sees red. Threats and murder seem to be the only thing he can use to "convince" people to help him. I thought this was well portrayed in this chapter. Especially because the last two were so similar in basic form. That's why I like this chapter so much, because it has more action than thought.
Rory, on the other hand, seems like an extension of Alice. You describe her thoughts in a similar pattern and have the same perspective as Alice. That's not to say that's not a good thing, but I think it makes her identity a little lost. Rory is open to new things. Alice has a high compatibility. If you flesh out those two perspectives better, you're already creating a new person.
An example: Rory was not enthusiastic about stealing the eggs from the nest, but did it in a pinch. You portrayed that well. Alice, on the other hand, would have done it directly as a kind of instinct to survive. So if the cases had been reversed, you would have portrayed it that way.
But because that's only one small example, the totality still works as if it's one character. What are the motives of Rory and Alice? What are their goals? If you describe them better and expand on them, you create a much better overview. With Harold in this chapter, you have managed to create just such a division. I like your characters and I like the story, but at the moment I still find that Rory and Alice are so similar in their minds that it doesn't seem like two people to me.
This is a slightly different review, but after reading this chapter, I think you have the possibility and the will to create something like this. I think you can do even better in the future, and then I look forward to reading it.
Have fun writing!
Mailice