Day Four
A bird chirps above my head, snapping me back from a daydream. It's like it's been screaming non-stop for hours, like my presence has personally offended it. Out of spite and plain old exhaustion, I sit down.
I have no idea how to get home. At this point, I'd rather have gone to the police. Almost involuntarily, I shudder at the thought. Sure, I'd get home alright- to a brand new home in the orphanage. My siblings would never forgive me.
I slump, trying to picture my brother and sister's faces. What could they be thinking right now? I'd left a note, what, two days ago? I'd said I was spending the night at a friend's house and asked them not to worry. How ironic. Worry would barely cover what they're feeling. They can't go to the police. We have no one they can go to for help. I'd bet my right hand they're forging a doctor's note this moment to excuse my absence from school tomorrow. Trying to figure out what to do if I never return.
I hold my head in my hands. I should've specified I would be over at Alice's. At least they would see Harold's truck was gone as well as him and his sister.
Harold. His name leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I now understand why Alice would steal just to get by. The rumors in town had been only half-wrong, she wasn't the crazy one- her brother was.
A lump forms in my throat. Alice must be dead. She'd only lived fifteen years. As someone so close to her age, I can't imagine my string cut so short. And those years couldn't have been good under her tyrannical brother's rule. I hadn't known her long, but something about her and I just clicked. She felt more like a sister than any of the girls I knew from school.
I remember the terrible moment when I saw her plunge over the cliff. I see now that she was just distracting Harold so I could make a run for it, but she couldn't have intended to actually fall? By the expression on her face, a look of pure shock and something else I still can't name, it had to be an accident.
My stomach growls loudly, interrupting my thoughts more thoroughly than the birds' incessant chirping. It's almost as if someone has just flips a switch on in me, that's how quickly I feel a gnawing hunger. When was the last time I'd eaten? I'm certain Alice and I had eaten so much our stomachs ached the night before yesterday. But surely, I've eaten since. I remember her brother's promise to stop for food, but that had never been fulfilled. The closest evidence of having been fed was a groggy memory of sipping cold soup in the man and woman's house. I must not have been totally conscious. But it had been hours since I'd fully woken up, and even longer since I'd escaped. In fact, it was nearly dusk now.
The bird chirps again, this time, flying by my head and nearly getting itself caught in my hair. I look up to see where it landed and realize why it had been so determined to scare me off. A memory rushes into my head.
"Rory, you see that over there?" My brother whispers over my shoulder, his hand indicating to a slanted tree.
"Not another rabbit or snake- you know I hate killing things!"
I turn to face him, my arms crossed indignantly. He smiles, the corners of his mouth turned up in an odd way. Quickly, his face shifts and he takes on a look like I'd just hurt him. It's an act, but I keep my face defensive like any nine-year-old would.
"Don't you trust me? Go on, take a look."
Curiosity grows and I give in. I pretend to sigh and shuffle over to the tree just bent enough that I could climb it without too much trouble.
"What do you want me to do?" I ask, unable to find any of the animals I'd seen my brother hunt before.
"Look up, don't you see it? A bird's nest!"
My eyes catch a bit of white on one of the lower branches and I realize he's right.
"Can grab me a couple eggs from there? Be careful not to break them."
I wonder what he's planning and shimmy up the tree, cradling two of the strange speckled eggs in my small hand. When I give them to my brother, he surprises me by cracking one over his head and gulping down the insides. Ignoring my look of anger and disgust, he hands the other one back to me.
"It may look gross now," Soren says with a serious face, "But when you're hungry, you'll be glad to know that you can always provide for yourself."
. . .
The tree is thin and narrow, but thankfully, the branches start low. I reach up, feeling the now familiar pain as I pull my body up into the tree. It's easier now, with me essentially climbing a set of stairs. The only real difference is that I have to be careful where I pace my foot, or the step will snap beneath me. I snatch the three treasures inside the nest and hurry back down.
My brother was right, they didn't taste so gross now.
End of chapter
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140,103 Literary Works • 673,002 Reviews
Heyyyy! Forever here with a review!
Ah you created a great atmosphere there. Like the atmosphere seems to be kind of peaceful interrupted by the chirping of the birds every now and then. I think it goes quite well with her current state of mind. It's not very peaceful, obviously but it has a good vibe that she could escape. However, every now and then, the meories, worries and thoughts are interrrupting that. So, a good setting, it was.
Now, I wonder if the thing is intentional but you have created a lot of similarities between Rory and Alice and to be honest, there should be more similarities between Harold and Alice which is absent. That's not bad however. It plays an important role at signifying the friendship and the reason behind it between Alice and Rory. Feathers of a the same bird flock together. It can also be significant at distancing them from Harold.
In this chapter, you extended the past of Rory. I quite like it. Though as I mentioned, the similarities are really important but I still feel the need for an unique character. Like you see, two people can never be the same. Make some differences between them, I mean some prominent difference. That would flesh out the characters more.
I wonder what is gonna happen next. Will it take a new turn? I recknon so. And right, I too think Harold is becoming crazy but obviously, his condition should be taken into account. Feels like his condition is pathetic. Ah, I am quite eager to know his and Alice's past. It's definitely something interesting.
Keep Writing!
~Forever
Hi Rosewood,
Mailice here with a short review!
This was a well-developed chapter. I loved the way you organised Rory's thoughts and made it feel structured. Sometimes I had the impression that you jumped from one point to the next too quickly. One can understand that a little in the state Rory is in, but I think you could find better transitions.
I liked the chapter. Her perspective definitely gave some new information where I think you might have added it into the story a little sooner. (More information is below). Because that's a bit of the view I have at the moment; I see Alice, I see Harold and I see Rory. Your story focuses on those three, which is fine, but sometimes I feel like those are the only characters in your story. Some minor nuances would be handy, like if you had inserted in the truck during the trip if someone was oncoming or overtaking, or how the one guy at the one rest stop, was so drunk he went into the women's restroom (examples). That would give the story a certain liveliness.
It was generally a great chapter. I liked the short flashback at the end and how Rory gets to steal eggs from a nest. That's definitely a good point that you included with the ending to create a slightly different cliffhanger.
This would have been a good opportunity to describe a little bit where it is exactly.
I don't know anything directly about any rumours now, and I don't think Rory mentioned it to Alice at any point. Maybe you could expand on that or mention it somehow.
That's something I'm wondering about all the time I'm reading anyway; to what extent does the town know where Alice and Harold live, what they do? Doesn't anyone wonder about their lifestyle? That's just a little point I think where you would mention that somewhere, maybe a sarcastic comment on Alice's part when she's talking to Rory or something.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
I just wanted to answer that one thing about the rumors- Alice mentioned that in an early chapter but I see how Rory should have brought it up!
This isn't necessarily wrong, but the repetition of both "it's" and "like" in the same sentence twice throws off the flow of the sentence. You could rephrase it a bit, such as: It's as if it's been screaming non-stop for hours, like my presence has personally offended it. Or: It's like it's been screaming non-stop for hours, as if my presence has personally offended it.
Just a suggestion, you could use 'at this very moment'. Doesn't really matter either way though. The second sentence here is a fragment so you could just reword a bit and add in some more detail if you wanted.
This is the third dash you've used so far so just be careful not too rely on them too much. You could just split up the sentence if you wanted, such as: She'd only lived twelve years. She wasn't a teenager by any means.
You often tell the reader something is terrible or nerve-wracking but you don't immerse the reader in imagery that shows them that without needing to explicitly say it. We also know the main character is remembering it, but in what way? Is the image of her plunging off the cliff burnt into her mind forever? Does she even have some PTSD from it? Dramatize it a bit, even. Example: The day she plunged over that cliff will haunt me forever. [Describe the scene here: what's the air smell like, is it burdened by the smell of saltwater and sweat? Is there an ocean and jagged rocks beneath them? Also describe the face Harold was making. Don't tell her eyes had shock in them, describe what they looked like and the color of them. Did fear overwhelm her stony, grey eyes just as she jumped?]
Another thing I'd like to note is that her thinking is very relaxed here. If this happened last night, shouldn't she be overwhelmed by these horrifying images and memories? If so, her thinking should become progressively more drawn out. You can do this by using longer sentences but shorter flashes of descriptions. You could also use stream of consciousness here, which closely resembles how disjointed our own thoughts can get. If she has PTSD from this event, she's likely to try to avoid the imagery as much as she can but it'll continue to flash in her mind intrusively and that would be an opportunity to show a gnawing discomfort that explodes.
https://examples.yourdictionary.com/bes ... mples.html
We already know the bird has been incessantly chirping, but you can also make this one of her breaking points. You could acknowledge her stomach growling earlier but her being so wrapped up and bothered by her thoughts that she ignores it. In a moment of pain and anger she could even throw a rock up there(however, don't tell she's angry, show it through her body language).
We already know she's hungry by the previous sentence, so I suggest either keeping this sentence and deleting the other or vice versa. Or just combine the two. Also *has just flipped a switch on me.
The repetition of the bird has become a bit incessant. I realize it serves a purpose in the story though. If you made her become irritated by her thoughts and scare off the bird earlier, she'd look up and notice the nest and also feel guilty for her actions.
Concerning the main character is nine at this point of time, I'm not sure how realistic it is for a nine year old to be able to comprehend that he's putting on an act by looking hurt. Maybe you could describe the certain look the brother has made, such as his lips slanting downward and pouting a bit.
You could dramatize this a bit too just by splitting up the sentences. Ex: My brother was right. They don't taste so gross now. By doing this, it makes the sentence feel more final.
Overall I think the biggest challenge present in this story is telling and not showing. There isn't a real hook in this chapter or a reason for the reader to be involved in what happens also. You could add a bigger motivation or goal near the end, such as the main character expressing or thinking that they have to gruel through this and get home to their siblings. You could even just describe the main character setting off on a path eating the eggs.
Thank you for your feedback!! I see your point with these, and I will go back and correct them. I would like to say that since this book is split between three perspectives, this chapter was more of one to show that Rory is keeping herself alive and giving a better background to her life. But thank you again for your help!