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Blood Sisters (Ch. 4) Alice

Day Two

The sour smelling air grows hotter every second.

Rory looks to me, her head lolling with the sway of the truck. "How long have we been on the road?"

I open my mouth to respond, but Harold beats me to it. "Eleven hours and thirty-six minutes."

I glower at him, silently seething. He's so calm, so accepting in his plan to destroy the one friend I was graced to have. Plotting a murder, carefully, cunningly, all while knowing that I have nothing I can do to stop him without giving ourselves away.

"I'm starving." I announce, breaking the silence, "We should stop at a gas station and get a late breakfast."

I see Harold's form stiffen, and his breath comes out sharply. "Do all members of the party feel the same?"

Rory sits up, attempting to wipe away the darkening bags under her eyes. "I do. My stomach is gnawing away at my bones, it's so empty."

I focus on my brother's face in the mirror and curse myself for the smirk growing on his lips.

"All the way to the bone, huh? You'll be pleased to hear we will be stopping soon. We're practically running on empty."

My eyes drop and I steer my head to catch of glimpse of the scenery speeding by. We've left our simple town, and instead, a sandier, rockier tread had replaced it. Pine trees of tall stature blur into a line of spiky greenery, almost like the walls closing in on us. I would risk appearing insane and pulling both Rory and I from the truck, if that would solve anything. But I'd have to factor in the injuries we'd take - especially with essentially throwing an unwilling hostage out of a moving vehicle.

"How long do you think?"

My brother narrows his eyes, but keeps a feather-light tone. "Always impatient, Alice. We're stopping by the cliff."

I feel the air rush out of my lungs. So that's his plan. At least now that I've have an idea of the location and how he'll proceed, I can decide my next move.

I look at Rory. She's scrawny, more so than me, and I doubt the two of us together can overtake Harold. He has my pistol and a weapon of his own- both in the front seat. He'd never buy me feigning illness and has repeatedly shut down Rory and I's need to use a restroom by handing us an empty bottle. I doubt he'd listen to anything my friend would say. Unless... 

The wheels in my brain start to chug and take on speed. I could jump off the edge of the cliff. It sounds crazy, but I've survived worse situations. Of course, I'd find something- anything- to hold onto. It's not hard to predict that would stop Harold's plan for one minute. One minute is all I need. Rory could run and have enough of a head start to get away. It's risky; I could slip or miss, plunging to my certain death. Is it worth it? I need to know that I can do this, as a positive attitude, as cheesy as it may sound, has always affected the outcome of my plans. I need to believe that I will be able to do this. And if I can't...? I cringe as the words finally force themselves into my mind. Surely, I don't want to live this kind of life forever. If the life of a murder is lost, it should be to protect the innocent. A final good deed to make up for the horror inflicted on others. At least, that's what I tell myself to keep the fear away.

The truck's engine growls one last time and the tires crunch over the gravelly surface. Eyes glazed and heart thudding with a familiar intensity, I see that the landscape has drastically changed in a matter of minutes. The road has cracked beyond use and small chunks fly from under the tire's tread. This then levels out to unpolluted white sand, a sign of an unpopulated area. The mighty pines have become scarce, roots reaching out to the sands and curling under at the lack of nutrients. Even I gasp at the big rocks leaning precariously over the edge to create the jagged frame of the picturesque beyond. That's a good sign. The arching and grips jutting out over their surface alludes to the possibility of a precipice sturdy enough to hold a person my size on the hidden underside. I feel the truck sharply stop, inertia pulling us forward suddenly. My brother pokes his head in the back, a gleam in his eye.

"I have a few good-sized containers of gas in the back. Alice will pour and I'll pass our little hitch-hiker something to eat."

I hold the malice creeping into my thoughts. "You know I'd never be able carry those things. Could you get them?"

He knows my lie and grins. " 'Course you can. Just yesterday, you took me my tool box to fix up the truck. Remember?"

Rory looks up, confused. "I don't think she did. She was with me all day."

He grits his teeth. "She was, wasn't she? I guess I'm confused." He eyes me. "You stay here, I'll fill up the tank and grab some snacks."

I nod. "Sure thing. We don't want to trip and fall over the side." It's probably not the smartest thing to say, but I crave that disgusted look he gives me, his face flushed with rage.

"Yes, we wouldn't want that, would we?"

He swings open he rusted door and I hear his boots collide against the ground. His hunched figure moves slowly to the back, an orange eye positioned on me the whole time- a good sign.

I casually turn to Rory, my eyes wide with meaning.

"You good?"

Her words are careful, she must know something isn't right.

"Not exactly, we need to go." I glance over to Harold, pleased to see his eyes are busy for a second.

"Go?"

"Don't interrupt. I need you to do something else for me. Can you do that?"

She narrows her eyes but something must change her mind as she relaxes them. "What exactly?"

"I'm going to run, run the opposite way you're going to run. As soon as my feet his the sand, run as fast as you can towards the trees. Don't stop, I'll catch up."

Her fingers twitch up to her hair, tugging on it unconsciously.

"What are you trying to do, Alice?"

"Please, we don't have much time. Will you? I need you to do this."

"You promise you'll follow?"

"Yeah, I promise." Another empty promise, another regret I simply can't avoid.

"You're a strange girl Alice Lee Mason, but I can't say I don't enjoy that fact."

I let out a tense breath. "Ah... yes. You ready?"

She gives e a wonky grin, letting excitement override her confusion. I wince at the amount a trust she's giving me. "Ready as I'll ever be. After you."

I grab the cold handle and tug. A sharp squeak from the old thing causes my heart to miss a beat. Harold's eyes flash to me, his hand already outstretched.

"Hey! Alice you-"

My feet hit the ground and I'm off. I hear Harold's animalistic roar as he chases after me. If I'm fast enough, he might ignore the sound of Rory sprinting in the opposite direction. The rocks are getting closer, each stride brings their swaying picture into focus. Am I really going to do this? Am I really that brave?

"Stop!" My brother's voice is too high, too fearful. He really thinks I'm going to jump. I don't want to miss, does he really think that I do?

"Alice... no!"

This voice shakes me. It's not Harold, but Rory. She must've stopped, only to watch her friend reach the base of the enormous stones. My toes touch the edge the rock and I spin for one last look. But they're too slick and I'm moving too fast. I feel myself stumble as the momentum pulls me forward, my feet not taking the leap where I meant. My hand automatically grasp for the underside like I planned. But they're not there. And they never will be.

I watch the horror on her face grow as I plunge downward. Seconds slow to minutes but I can't seem to make my limbs move faster in this jelly-like air. My last thought races across my mind, a blurry string of words that don't make sense.

Why didn't she run?

Comments & reviews · 4
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Heyyyyyy! Forever back with a review!!!!

This chapter was so good packed with lots of actions. Here, you managed to expose the soft side of Alice quite well. Her desire to save Rory was actuallyvery desperate and a true friend only can have that. Harold had a solid plan but little did he know that everything will go out of order. Seems like he knows his sister but not too well.

Alice's idea was not too bad and was on the verge of succession if she were to stop a little before. Ah, she is not gonna die nor is Rory, I am quite sure about that but maybe she is gonna get heavy injuries that can be fatal to a murderer. I have gotta read the next chapter for that. At least, Alice succeeded to one thing very successfully. He made Harold understood very well that what she can do if he doesn't listen to him. A good lesson!

The description of the thoughts when Alice was falling was so realistic. We can visualize her falling and all her plans going wrong one after the another but she barely has time to take it in. I wonder how they will rescue her. Um.. Will Rory jump and rescue her?

Here are a few nitpicks.

The sour smelling air grows hotter every second

Put a hyphen between sour and smelling
I would risk appearing insane and pulling both Rory and I from the truck, if that would solve anything

The second I will be me
So that's his plan. At least now that I've have an idea of the location and how he'll proceed, I can decide my next move.

Either remove that have or that 've
If the life of a murder is lost, it should be to protect the innocent.

Life of a 'murderer'
You know I'd never be able carry those things.

Put a to before carry
As soon as my feet his the sand, run as fast as you can towards the trees.

His will be hit
I wince at the amount a trust she's giving me. "

'Of' trust
My toes touch the edge the rock and I spin for one last look

'Of' the rock

That was all.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

Hi Rosewood,

Mailice again here with a short review! :D

This was an interesting chapter because it had little in common with the tradition of the last few chapters; the focus was not on the dialogue but on the narrative. You set a new pace here (nothing bad) and thought you did well with the way you spoke everything from Alice's perspective. Sometimes it seemed a bit choppy, like you were skipping a sentence that wasn't there. At least that was my impression when I read the chapter.

Every now and then it felt like there were gaps in the story that weren't present for a few seconds. I don't know how to explain it, but I think if you go over sentence by sentence, you'll probably feel that way too.

Other than that, I thought it was a great conversation. I feel like these are better developed than in the current ones I've read. But maybe it has to do with the fact that I now know how the characters relate to each other.

That's something I really like, for example; you openly show how Harold and Alice interact with each other, even in the company of other people. I think it's fitting for the siblings and gives the whole cohesion a better perspective.

High praise for your descriptions and the worded sections from Alice's perspective. I liked reading these and also hearing a comment from her now and then, which adds more to the entertainment than the actual view. You're already using good language there.

"Do all members of the party feel the same?"


I like Harold's line of questioning here, since there are only three of them. :D Shows a bit that he doesn't directly agree with the proposal.

In summary, I liked the chapter and also find it a good point where you left off and where I too leave off for today to have some suspense for tomorrow. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice

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NastyMajesty
Review

Hi Rosewood! Maryah poppin' in here for a review! Okay, I didn't really have much since @LordMomo down there got most of the stuff. But, don't worry! I still have a few things :P
Grows

As soon as my feet his the sand, run as fast as you can towards the trees. Don't stop, I'll catch up.
I think here you meant to say hit instead of his in this sentence.

Oh, quick question for this one:
I grab the cold handle and tug. A sharp snap causes me to wince. Harold.
Did Alice break one of Harold's bones or was that just the sound of the door LOL?
Also, as Momo said below, it would be helpful if you could be a tiny bit more specific as to who's speaking and your dialogue.
Glows
Rory sits up, attempting to wipe away the bags under her eyes. "I do. My stomach is gnawing away at my bones, it's so empty."
Nice figurative language! Not gonna lie, I got a slightly disturbing image of her stomach eating her bones in my head lol
My last thought races across my mind, a blurry string of words that don't make sense. Why didn't she run?
Haha! I love how this is the only thing that she's thinking as she's about to plummet to her death :P.

Gosh, you really left us on a real cliffhanger eh? Okay that was a bad joke but AAAAH CAN'T WAIT FOR CHAPTER FIVE! Loving in so far, keep writing!
:D

Thank you for the review! As for your concern with the snap, that was the door handle. She was expecting to slip out quietly and run when he heard her footsteps, but wasn't expecting the door to be so loud. I totally see where that's confusing though, and I'll look over it.

User avatar
momonster
Review

Momo, here to review! Note: I haven't written a review in a while, so my skills are a bit rusty. But I'll try my hardest!

"When will we be stopping? It is long past night, and I need to eat."

Specify who is talking here. And I don't think Rory would say, "It is long past night." That sounds a bit to fancy for her.

We've left our simple town, and instead, a sandier, rockier tread had replaced it.

You switch between present and past tense on the bolded part. It should be "has".

At least now that I've have an idea of the location and how he'll proceed, I can decide my next move.

Maybe you could expand on what this next move will be?

It's risky, I could slip or miss, plunging to my certain death.

A semi-colon (;) after risky.

If the life of a murder is lost, it should be to protect the innocent.

Murderer.

"Not exactly, we need to go."

"Go?"

"Don't interrupt. I need you to do something else for me. Can you do that?"

"What exactly?"

"I'm going to run, run the opposite way you're going to run. As soon as my feet his the sand, run as fast as you can towards the trees. Don't stop, I'll catch up."

Her fingers twitch up to her hair, tugging on it unconsciously.

"What are you trying to do Alice?"

"Please, we don't have much time. Will you? I need you to."

"You promise you'll follow?"

"Yeah, I promise." Another empty promise, another regret I simply can't avoid.

"You're a strange girl Alice Ley Mason, but I can't say I don't enjoy that fact."

I let out a tense breath. "Ah... yes. You ready?"

A couple things: Specify who is talking here. And how does Rory know Alice's middle name?

I hear Harold's animal-like roar as he chases after me.

Try animalistic instead of animal-like.

That's it! Keep writing, I can't wait for the next chapter!
Momo

Thank you for the extremely helpful review!

I just remembered you had a couple of questions. When Alice had to plan her next move, she immediately began looking to Rory to determine what her use in the event would be and what she herself could do.

I look at Rory. She's scrawny, more so than me, and I doubt the two of us together can overtake Harold. He has my pistol and a weapon of his own - both in the front seat. He'd never buy me feigning illness or the need to use a restroom, and I doubt he'd listen to anything my friend would say. Unless...


This then segues into a solid-ish plan.

And In chapter one, Alice gives Rory her full name because she wasn't expecting to let her live this long.



Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour