Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Hey Rosey! I’m here and ready to review.
What an exciting introduction! It’s excellent, grabbing my attention from the get go. However – and this only personal preference – I think ‘ran’ should be replaced with a different word. Since this is [s]Sparta[/s] war, I feel like there needs to be a stronger sense of urgency. I adore how you’ve written this initial battle scene; everything is realistic and described well. But the scene lacks the ‘I’m in a war I might die defending my city they’re coming in closer!’ anxiousness.
This is easily corrected, of course. I think just adding small hints, like sweat trickling down his forehead as he misses a target or scrambling to pick up a dropped arrow, might help a little. Of course, he’s a skilled warrior so that shouldn’t happen often. But when it does, the event becomes even more serious and important. It doesn’t even have to be his mistake actually. Maybe he becomes annoyed as another man falls, and begins to pick up speed in killing. It just depends on how you want to characterize him.
‘Alley-ways’ could be spelled as ‘alleyways’.
I know these two sentences are a few paragraphs apart, but I still don’t like the repetition. Could you rephrase one of these?
I don’t know, I just don’t like ‘Anger heated my body’. I’m not quite sure why though, so don’t think too much of that. Also, is it really a good idea to leave the weapons there alone? I think that, as a soldier, he should be overcautious, someone who totally believes in the whole cliché of “expecting the unexpected”. Should the enemy actually manage to breach the defense, they would have his weapons, leaving him at risk. Perhaps he should leave it with a comrade, or just hide it somewhere? Although the chance of the enemy taking his weapon is still there, at least the likelihood is decreased. Of course, he could always take them with him, just in case.
I just wanted to point out another instance of the phrase ‘pool of blood’.
Maybe Luc should point out the hypocrisy here, considering Chantico just felled a good number of men from the rooftop.
I think a colon and commas would work just as well as the series of periods. With the periods here, it does feel a little halting and choppy.
I’m not sure why, but ‘shouldn’t’ gives me the impression that this suddenly switched to present tense. Could you use ‘wouldn’t’ instead?
The first sentence seems like a run-on, or I am just reading it funny. The latter seems pretty likely, but it might be good to take a look at that. I don’t like the repetition of ‘escape’ so close together, but that’s a very minor detail.
While most of the fragments used in the piece are excellently placed, I’m not sure about this one. This one seems like it would work better with a verb in there.
Chantico couldn’t or wouldn’t be the one? I’m just curious, because wouldn’t would say that there’s absolutely no chance he would be picked while couldn’t would say that even if he was picked, he would not kill his brother.
This is just an itty-bitty typo, but a period should be placed after ‘fight’. I’m sure it was just cut off, but the lack of an end made me antsy. I’m kind of odd like that.
So, I thought that this piece was great! I absolutely loved the plot, the setting, everything. I had more questions and suggestions than I did corrections (Wow! Look at all those rhymes!), which is always a great thing.
Chantico had a very solid and mature voice, although he was a bit emotionally detached at points. Like others have mentioned, a little more insight into his emotions and little tics might help the reader truly connect with him. But I related to him well enough already, so there’s not too much work to do on that. I really enjoyed calculating and manipulative Luc; I tend to adore such characters. The final scene revealed a lot about the both of them, and I thought that section was especially superb.
The story had smatterings of passive tense, but I’m sure that will be taken care of, so I don’t have much else to say.
I also echo the issue of the vagueness. ‘That night’ should be discussed a tad more, because the reader needs a clearer picture to understand and relate to the piece. For example, I’m not sure why Luc wouldn’t just help the Mixtecs by feeding them information and proceed to stay outside the city, away from harm. That way, he would get his revenge on the city that convicted him while staying out of harm’s way. I feel like if you explained ‘that night’ a little, we would understand his intentions inside the city better.
I only have one more suggestion. Since the title is ‘Blood’, perhaps there should be more of an emphasis on it. Actually, I think you did emphasize it. Perhaps you could make it more apparent though? I think that just mentioning ‘pools of blood’ and ‘blood on his hands’ might not be enough. Chantico was involved the events of ‘that night’, and I have a feeling that blood really bothers him. It would be nice to describe the blood somewhere in the story, from its metallic smell to its rich color. Maybe he turns away from the final battle because he cannot stand seeing red on his brother again. I’m not sure. That was just a random suggestion.
Well, that was quite long, and I hope that it was all coherent. I hope I helped a little. Thank you for reading all of this!
Best of luck,
octo
Thanks a lot!
Ohh, I see what you mean. It's actually a bad habit of mine to use passive voice in first person. I'm just never sure how to fix it because I usually like the way things are worded in passive voice.
As for those little additions, I'll take them into consideration. ^_^
~Rosey
Hi there!
I liked this piece--enough conflict so it wasn't boring, and also the potential for emotional impact. I'm having a hard time putting to words my biggest problem was, so I'm going to edit the first couple paragraphs:
{Please keep in mind these are just examples... I did it the way I would write it, and obviously it's your story. I don't expect you to actually edit accordingly. My comments are in brackets.}
I ran up the steps, pulling an arrow from my quiver as I went. The war cries of the Mixtecs as they entered the city from their boats echoed throughout XXX. I pushed my legs harder, lungs burning. They couldn't get any farther than they already had.
I reached the top of the flat roof, panting slightly as I looked over the XXX before me. A flicker of movement on the roofs around me was followed by men’s shouts and the sounds of bodies falling [from where? More description]. They landed with wet thuds in water and blood-soaked earth. Soon the streets would be filled with slain men. Our island capital had been designed that way. No walls and a warren of twisting alley-ways made it easy for our army to pick off approaching solders. I put an arrow to the string and let it fly. My target landed heavily; the first pool of blood this far into the city.
Arrow after arrow flew from my bow [insert description]. Most of them hit their targets with satisfying results. If they did not fall from my strike, they fell from another’s shortly after. As my quiver ran empty, I reached for the other arrows stashed beside me.[Huh? You didn't mention them before...]
An arrow thumped into the roof deck beside me, splintering the wood[metal? I'm not familiar with your world]. I spun, arrow on the string, but whoever had wanted to ambush me was already gone. A pool of blood told me what had happened to the guard stationed there. But how had his attacker managed to get around all the defenses?
A sudden anger heated my body, and I felt my hands clench on the XXX. Only a native to this city, someone in this army, would know how to get close to an archer. And I had a feeling I knew who it was. I checked to make sure my club with its obsidian chips was in my hand before running to the stairs. My quiver and bow I left on the roof, knowing I would return. [you don't have much explanation for this action. It seems rather a foolish one. After all, if he's going to be in danger, won't he need them? Maybe he wants to be able to move quickly, but he's carrying a club...]
Ok.... I know these examples aren't the best, but do you get my point? I think the whole thing could have more impact if you made it a little more showy (as in show vs. tell--I know, I know, you've already heard that a lot
So... I hope this helps a little. I liked most of the plot, but I think when you edit it the actual language could use a little going-over?
See you around,
Lupis
Hey there Rosey! I hope you don't mind an inexperienced user of YWS to comment on your story, but I had to review cause so far, this is one of the best stories I have read on this site. Since most suggestions have already been made, I can't find anything to comment upon. Please keep writing, and if you decide to publish a book, please let me know. I'll buy it straight away. A good point to mention is that you kept me fixed to my computer throughout the whole story; it was very intriguing. Well done!
Thanks all!
I'll work on the things mentioned. I wrote this in a burst of creativity and worked on it non-stop for a few days, so I want to let the story sit a while before I attempt any edits. ^_^
More feedback is always welcome, though. I'm just not sure when I'll get to working on this again (I do like it, so I'm going to go back)
Thanks again!
~Rosey
Hi!
I'm going to have to be kind of picky here as from reading through I can't see anything that jumps to mind, this is very well written and I thought you described the fight scene brilliantly 
I'd maybe add 'the' before 'war cries' here and I'd maybe say something a bit more descriptive than 'entered', like 'flooded into' or 'charged into' or anything like that as entered doesn't really show much of the scene.
You could possibly say more about what this looks like- a metaphor, simile or just description would go nicely here to paint a good image for the reader
It could just be me but this sentence almost sounded unfinished when I read it, it might be better to add something onto the end of return like 'to them', 'to my post' or just 'soon'.
Instead of 'a flame', 'the fire' might be a better description of his feelings.
The emphasis on him does help but I still had to read this twice to understand who 'him' was referring to. I'm not sure if it might be clearer to refer to him a bit more directly, for instance saying something like 'the one I sought' or 'the traitor I sought' or something along those lines. I can see it's a bit more awkward to say though so it's up to you
'for' I think would be better as 'from' here.
He is still calling him brother and as they do still share the same blood, I'm not that keen on saying about them once being tied by it. I think you could rephrase this a bit, perhaps saying something about his lip curling at the reminding that they shared the same blood or that the same blood ran through their veins or anything like that.
What taste? It might be more effective here to actually describe it, for example something on the bitter taste of disgust or whatever emotion he feels.
I'd maybe leave out the 'now' at the end of the last sentence as you used it quite recently.
I thought he had already finished his sentence so this sounded a bit odd to me. I'd either have him getting halfway through his sentence like 'cold-' and then being interrupted or maybe change this bit to say he corrected or elaborated upon what has already been said.
I think you need something like 'from' or 'coming from' before 'Luc' here.
I'd maybe add 'that' before 'I saw it'.
At first this sounded a bit confusing as I didn't know he was talking about the previous sentence, maybe mentioning something about the previous sentence would make it clearer what you are talking about.
Overall: I did really enjoy this piece! I think the ending is perfectly dramatic and the conflict between the two brothers I think you have managed to show really well. There isn't much you can do to this to improve it in my eyes, I can only see a couple of things that could be worked on
I did get quite a good image on the surroundings, but at the beginning and in the crowd I think you could extend a bit more upon what is going on around the MC. Because he is at first in a battle, I'd maybe make the scene a bit more frantic as it does seem quite calm in how he is retaliating. I know he is trained and a good fighter, but something on how he is suffering physically (just sweating and muscles aching or something like that) or just a couple of comments on the sounds and smells of battle would make the scene more realistic. When he is in the crowd at the fight, maybe some more on how it feels to be crammed in against everyone or seeing the sea of expectant and bloodthirsty eyes of the crowd focused on the fight to come would show a clearer image. I would think this sort of place would be hot and tightly packed and I didn't get much of a sense of that.
I do think that what happened is kept quite vague in a way that works, although just a couple more hints would help in clarifying what you have skimmed across. I like how you have kept it mysterious but a touch more wouldn't hurt. I don't think you need to extend much upon the characters or their appearance as it's not really relevant except for perhaps adding more to when Luc is taken out into the fight as this could be quite effective in getting across what condition he is in and his emotions. I liked what you said about his expression being either one of fear or hatred, but I'd maybe add to this to show more on his stance and movements. But other than revealing a little more, I don't think much more adjustments need to be made
Like I said, I did enjoy this piece and thought it was brilliantly written! All the comments I have made are just suggestions, hope I've helped!
Here's my review.
It'll be a little less nitpicky than the previous one because I think I took care of most of the nitpicks there.
"Got to"? Try for a stronger verb, like "reached".
I don't think "sir" is capitalized, even in a military context.
I don't remember if I commented on this in the PM or not, but passive voice...icky. Especially in a fight scene.
This is a nice image, but the "from the attack" part feels rather...awkward.
Nice way of showing, instead of telling, the peoples' hatred of Luc.
Came out? "Emerged"..."approached", maybe?
"Resplendent" instead of "fully dressed" would be a stronger verb.
"Suit", not "suite".
All right, overall, I have to say that I'm still not getting the full emotional impact. I just don't know enough about "that night" to really care. It's an integral event, yet is barely skimmed over in the narrative. I know you were trying for a mysterious tone, but to be honest it's somewhat hurting the story. Not knowing exactly what happened gives me no emotional investment in these characters.
Again, I'd advise perhaps depicting in detail some of the events of "that night" in flashback format (perhaps paralleling the events of the actual story), or have Luc and Chantico discuss it, or at least have Chantico ruminate on it a bit more. Because as it is, "that night" just feels distant and vague.
Near the end, I started to get bothered by the profusion of short, emphatic sentences. Granted, long rambling sentences aren't any better and it's good to be emphatic, but at the same time it started making the flow seem a bit...choppy? I'm feeling some of those short sentences could be combined for more variety in sentence structure, and thus easier flow.
*flails* Agggh, I know I seem harsh...I did enjoy this, and it certainly is better than the first version. All I'm saying is we need a bit more emotional investment (and I know I broke out that term all over the PM...but it is important, especailly in a first-person story). Keep up the good work, the best of luck in your endeavors, etc.
Assuming this is the happy medium between Aztecs and Mayas?
Of course, historically speaking, this ethnic group makes much more sense.