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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Romantic Fiction, oh dear XD I don't claim to be any good in this genre but I'll help where I can and I think I might have a few tips on how to make this less stale. There's just a little too much emphasis on the distant, descriptive tone and I've made that mistake myself in the one attempt I've made at writing romance. The thing is, even the sweetest, softest of romance has to have a kick. There needs to be that touch of sexual tension, that quickening of the heart and the desire. Even when your main character is a dried up old man, don't you think he finds her body attractive? And more than in a 'her hair shined' sort of way. The best thing is, you can do all of this while staying at a pg rating, awesome huh?
[Okay so I'm going to take your opening for my first example. You can be beautiful without being slow. Yup, that's right. You don't need any of this 'gazed at the sight before him' and it's much more interesting to cut straight into the descriptions. Yes we need to know where he is in relation to what is being described but after that you can go a little faster. Every piece of prose needs some action or at least the semblance of action and speeding up your pace can help to create that. Also, action, yeah. So Merlin has come here to see the lady of the lake, how is he feeling about that? Apprehensive? Excited? Oh sure he doesn't have to act it but let's see what Merlin's like inside and then we can feel more for him.Anyway I've rambled enough and I've always been better at showing what I mean rather than trying to tell it so here we go:
A more effective opening might be something along the lines of, 'Delay only went unnoticed so long before the body had to admit that it wasn't just one more swallow of water that it wanted. Merlin wanted more, he wanted so much more. It was close. He could feel it in the soft, damp kisses of the mist. He felt that if the fog were only to part he wouldn't have to keep on walking so delay he must. This time she might come.' Okay so you can do better than that but I've thrown this together to show you the different pace. There's something more immediate about mine, more emotive if you like. It's because you're seeing this from within Merlin instead of looking over his shoulder. Note the changes in sentence structure too. Remember, beautiful doesn't have to be slow.
[Brushed copper huh? I know what you mean but buffered might be better or something more indicative of copper as in the metal rather than the hair. It's just a tad confusing. Also, silhouettes don't tend to be in colour so you might want to re-think that.] Her skin, almost as white as the mist, was last to become clear against the fog. She seemed to emerge from the forest around her: the early autumn leaves, flaming orange, mixed with green, and the late summer blossoms white against the water.[/Quote] [It's pretty imagery to describe her but it's also quite common and if you really want to make this emotive, she has to be more than just a beautiful woman. There needs to be some spunk. Even if it's just one image that stands out from the rest. She can have hair like copper and skin like mist if she also has a nose like a door-knob. There's got to be something about her that's a little personal to Merlin, something that also shows us a little intimacy, something that a casual observer might not think but that occurs to a man in love.]
[Is this waterfall important? If a woman I loved had appeared unexpectedly out of the water, the waterfall would get no attention. If it's important, introduce it before miss beautiful appears and if not who cares? It is good to know what he can hear but you can maybe drop in later that her voice harmonizes with the rumble of the waterfall. That way the main concentration remains on the two lovers where it belongs. You could even be a little soppy and have something like 'The waterfall had been nothing until she spoke and then it was as if it existed just to serve her, nothing of the waterfall mattered beyond the alluring effect it had when combined with her words.' or you know, something ^^]
[Camelot.]
[I don't like the comparison of her fingers to the mist, surely he values them more than that. Would he just as soon have the mist caress him?]
[Does Merlin read anything into this? Were I him I would be thinking innuendo, old man or not. Does he perhaps wonder if she means more by her waters, does this make him blush inside to think of any previous relation they have had or could have? Even old men get such feelings.]
[Okay so these are the things he says but are there things he wants to say but can't? Does he want to thank her for other things, does he want to ask her for other things? What is going on in his head?]
[Should be my debt to you.]
[This might sound hugely wacky but I'd actually love to see this from her point of view. Does she perhaps have some doubts and regrets as to her intentions? Is she remembering their love as well or does she scorn this stupid old man? You don't have much of an element of surprise anyway to be honest and I think it would add something. If nothing else you could try it and see which version you prefer.]
[She hasn't aged but how does Merlin feel about that. Mentally he has grown older and physically and yet here he is presented with the same alluring, sexual woman as before. How does that make him feel?]
[What are Merlin's thoughts on being betrayed? If you're staying with this perspective, that should be fore-most at his mind. Yes there's the human instinct to fight and survive but every other thought should be of her until they get mingled and the mind can't think and there's panic. The coming of peace you have later is good but there needs to be a struggle and a panic first or the reader will feel nothing.]
I'm afraid that I don't really have any closing comments as there isn't much wrong with this. In fact, there is literally just that lack of emotion and perhaps a slight tenancy toward unoriginal descriptions. This is well written and it reads very smoothly so I do hope you can tidy it up a little.
Lastly, apologies for the delay, dear. I suppose I have got a little rusty ^^
Heather xx
Hi Rosey! Conrad here to give you a review.
I thought that this was a rather solid story. Your plot and dialogue are very well constructed, and there are no grammar or punctuation issues that I can see, though I'm not very good at seeing that sort of thing.
But there seems to be a lack of emotional impact. That might be okay in another story, though that's a very suspect assumption in itself. But in a romantic story, an emotional impact is essential. It's absence here is very noticeable, in my opinion. You might try having both Merlin and the Lady show a few more mannerisms. Let us see their emotions through the way they're acting. That's the best advice I can give you on that though, as I'm unsure on just where the lack of emotional impact is coming from.
PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Heya Rosey!
Just a few nitpicks for you as most things have already been summed up.
Watch out for repetition of the words "fog" and "mist".
Something about this sentence didn't seem quite right. I dunno maybe it makes her seem a bit to innocent or something. Perhaps try using a different eye colour and try focusing on the colour of the lips rather than a softness as it becomes clear by the end of it that she's not a "soft" person.
I think you need a stronger word than "cringe" here, he's really supposed to have let him down so cringing just doesn't cover it.
I'd also like to see a lot more mysterious description and relation to magic, lots of metaphors, similes and personification of the lake and it's surroundings. The Lady of the Lake needs to seem more mystifying and entrancing, as she seems more powerful than Merlin who is a great wizard.
Good Job!
Happy
Lightly edited. Waiting for more opinions before major editing.
Here goes the nitpick machine. ^^ *cough trying to distract myself from writers block cough*
"Stared" doesn't seem right here; it implies an intensity that feels a tad jarring. Perhaps "gazed" would work better.
I don't quite get the second half of this sentence ("but his..."), though I can somewhat see the impression you're aiming for. And watch the passive voice.
?
Such unspecific language! "Move forward"? How is the boat moving forward? Slowly and soundlessly, or racing with the wind? Little details like that help anchor the setting in our minds.
This is beautiful imagery (I especially love the juxtaposition of "early autumn" and "late summer"), but "come from"? Try for a more specific verb, like "emerge"?
I'm completely lost as to what's going on here. It feels to be like the wrong subjects are doing the wrong things, but I can't pinpoint exactly what. Fat load of help I am...
I think the first "him" should be Merlin, and you can change the "Merlin" to a "he". Just to make it clear that you're talking about Merlin from the outset.
Nice imagery.
Behind what? The boat or Merlin? I think you mean the boat, but try making it more clear.
You could be more specific with what these "sounds" are; chirping of birds, croaking of frogs, humming of insects?
"Waded" has only one d, and I feel that you should introduce the idea that Merlin waded in earlier, because right now it seems rather jarring.
T
I'd like to see this a little more concretely.
That's a nice image; I can just picture (err, hear) it.
These thoughts feel a tad disjointed; try conencting them, maybe (with a semicolon or conjuction). And maybe say "his other hand" to make it more clear.
As this is phrased, this is confusing; does he mean that the journey was one not to meet her, or that he didn't intend to meet her on the journey?
"Fell" silent?
I wasn't aware that Merlin suddenly turned into a clownfish.
(Sorry, stupid unfunny Finding Nemo joke...)
"Eyes blue as water" is a cliche, but I do like the imagery of "soft as the roses". Also, maybe try saying "like he had done so many times so long ago"; that'd sound a little more natural.
I know there's a scene break, but maybe have something else to indicate the passage of time, because as it is this feels a tad sudden. Maybe note that the sun is setting or something.
Nice way to characterize the Lady of the Lake through showing instead of telling. ^^ I think a "since" is needed before "years", though.
Another bit of characterization; shows she may have some misgivings about Merlin.
This is all repetition of what you've already said. Cut it out.
Oh, please don't say this. The writing instructors at NYC explained that if you have a "showing" statement after a "telling thesis statement" (and that sentence is, essentially, a thesis statement) you don't need the thesis statement, because you've already clarified. Okay, I'm making no sense...all I'm saying is delete this sentence.
I don't think he got up to follow her finger; do you mean he followed her finger with his eyes?
Strong and fresh image.
Maybe have more of a sign that he's protesting/defending his actions here, like backing off or holding his hands up or something.
I'd phrase this as "the woman's smile was now thin as a knife blade".
"Looked"? You can do better than that!
Again that word...strong, specific verbs, remember!
Overall thoughts--
Okay, I did get a tad nitpicky, but I think the language and phrasing is the biggest detriment of this piece. You did a great job creating atmosphere and tension (I could just picture the forest they were in, and my heart definitely started beating me faster near the end), but overall I felt detached from the story. And that's not even because most of my knowledge of Arthurian mythology comes from Monty Python; it's because I couldn't connect with the characters because of the vague language you tended to use. Merlin is the viewpoint character, but I was never really feeling anything for him until near the end. It feels more like we were told, than shown, that Merlin and the Lady have a romantic history together. Which is a bit of a bad thing if you're classifying this as romantic fiction. ~_^
There's definitely potential in the piece, and it already has a very nicely defined plot; it's just the details need quite a bit of tweaking. Hunt for those awkward turns of phrase, aim for more specific verbs and description that help convey Merlin's emotions and character (basically...what you're telling me to do with TEoT XD). Especially near the end--I feel we didn't get a strong enough emotional reaction out of Merlin. He's just been betrayed by the woman he loved. Surely, I don't know, he'd be feeling a lot more strongly? It kind of felt to me like I was watching a movie of him being imprisoned, not actually there with him.
Have fun revising! All right, revising is never fun...but it's like eating your vegetables. Not fun, but necessary.
Best of luck in your endeavors!
O yo. ^_^
Well, I don't particularly like your interpretation of the Lady of the Lake, but that's just me. Otherwise, this was well written!
Just a few things:
I'd like a mention that he was standing by a lake before you mention a boat. You said he was standing, and then you start talking about a boat, so I got this weird picture of a boat ploughing through a field.
Again with the weird mental images. I get what you're saying, but the way it's worded seems like you're trying too hard. You mention her skin later on, and I think I'd like it better if you took this description of her skin out and only had the one later on.
For the Lady of the Lake, such an earthy simile doesn't seem right.
Awkward wording. Maybe try something like a binding spell, or at least reword.
I love the description of her mouth here, but I think that should be "Morgan La Fey"?
Uhh, I'm completely clueless about what she means.
---
So! As I said, I did like it.