.

Hey Rosey! ^^ Thanks for the request. Let's see what we can do here.

First line? Meh. I really think you need something less of a narration there and more of either action or description. I think you could just start at the, "Catch, Lina!" and that would even work better. It's like starting a book with:

I remember that my life was perfect until that day that an elephant knocked on my door...

Or something to that effect. It's unnecessary and sounds forced. So. Scrap it, shall we?

Then,

~

“Gather ‘round Children, let me tell you a story.”

Is this a typo? Because I'm not really getting this break, with the comma after 'then'. I don't think you're making a point or getting accross an effect by saying, "Ooh, and then this happened...I'm going to do a line break for dramatic pause." I hope that didn't sound mean. But anyway, if you want to say that something happened later, just go into it. Your character doesn't need to introduce the scene; let the scene introduce itself.

Fire, the least resistant to change, was even beginning to feel heavy with human emotion. Being the least resistant to negative emotions, I wondered how Fire Elementals would lighten their load…

This doesn't make sense? Using the word 'even' implies that it's shocking that the Fire Elementals were not very likely to feel heavy with heavy emotions, but then you say they were the 'least resistant'. The least resistant would be the weakest, the first to succumb. I think you mean most resistant for fire.

If not, this confuses me. I'd think that Fire would be stronger, but here you're getting across conflicting ideas as to whether or not the Fire Elementals can handle this newfound pressure well.

causing many people to loose their homes

I hate nitpicking about grammar, but this was bugging me. Loose means 'not tight', while lose means 'to misplace or not be able to find'.

A shockwave went though the Earth, passing through my body like clay.

I agree with Sakura here. If you're going to bring up this strange simile, I think your readers need some more description/explanation as to what exactly this feels like.

As I rose to my feet, I felt something different. Some of the weight in the tectonic plates had lifted—or exploded. I managed to track the source of the quake, and found a Gnome resting on the ground. When I questioned her, she explained that quakes were how Earth Elementals could get rid of the leaded human emotions that weighed us down.

“But what if humans die?” I asked, helping her up.

This first paragraph, in my opinion, is extremely sudden and abrupt. If your character is tracking down the quake, I think that needs more expansion than just a quick sentence that she searched for someone. You need something about the search, about what she was feeling; was she worried or concerned, or just too exhausted to be anything but curious?

And this second sentence. The quotation. I don't think the connection is clear enough between Gnomes/Dark Elves releasing burdens through the quakes and humans dying. It sounds like Lina thinks humans are immortal. It needs to be something like, "But what if the quakes kill someone? A human?" Or, um. You know. Something to show the cause of the death is the quakes.

Humans had only worsened our burden, spending more time pouring anger into the Earth then using joy to clear the space around them.

Then = Than

Alright, Rosey. I'm going to shred this, like you asked. I hope you're not sorry.

You mention Lina's name in the beginning of this story, and I don't really like that. The fact that it was just a label tacked on for one short scene with Karen makes it stick out more so that we have to think more of this elf as a person than just a soul that represents all of the elves' pain. Do you see what I mean? I think the overall atmosphere of her pain would come across better if she didn't have a name. It would take the personalization out of that single character and turn the reader's pity, instead, to the whole Elf Race instead.

I'm not getting this job of the Dark Elves that you keep mentioning. So far, I'm getting that the elves can't be in the sunlight. Make that clearer; you mention 'saturated in darkness' once like it's a negative thing, and so I'm confused as to whether dark is bad or light is bad for the elves. Next, you say they walk around the tectonic plates. While I think the overall idea of that is really interesting to explore, I don't think the approach needs to be so materialistic; go for more abstract, like they foating under the Earth's surface. It's physically impossible to walk among the Earth's plates, but you've implied that elves are physical beings by having them play catch. I think you need to kind of use the magical aspect of this and run with it more. That's not possible-- okay, so now show how your elves do this magically.

All and all, I need more clarification as to what the elves are doing, how they're warning the humans, and why the humans are dying. The elves are absorbing negative emotions, right? Okay. But they don't want to, so they go around under the earth and make earthquakes. The earthquakes hurt the humans (sometimes kill them) but the elves have to accept that because they warned the humans.

1.) How did they warn them? I didn't see that anywhere. You don't mention the actual method of warning, just that the humans were aware of what's going on. So tell us.

2.) Are the elves actually going around and making earthquakes? If so, I think that needs to be clarified. Show us that this is really happening-- it's not some metaphor for the soul's uprising or something. They're going around causing earthquakes.

All in all, my main issue is things flowing cohesively so that they make sense. You have a lot of conflicting sentences and ideas and emotions in here, and I think you really need to organize those into a single plotline and explanation that your readers can follow without wondering what the heck is going on.

I loved the idea, and you did a great job in grabbing the reader's pity for these poor creatures. I just think you need to explain things so that they make sense!

Hope this helped, love.

~Evi

Here. We. Go.

I-- Nit Picks

when all humans were considered friend.

Little bitty grammar error here. All the humans were considered friend? It needs an s, m' dear. ^_^
Friends.

She smiled and moved in closer, a necessary thing after she threw the ball so hard.

Hmm. This line is a bit odd. It just doesn't flow well with the story, at least the second clause. It's not clear why she moves in closer, even though you explain why.
Does that make sense whatsoever? Probably not.
What I'm trying to say is that this is a weird, vague way to describe running toward someone.
I'd prefer something like,
"Throw it back to me!" she cried, running closer to me.

A casual observe might not have seen the differences in us.

A casual observer.

While Karen got above the bed, I always crawled under.

Erm... what? I agree with Lin. I think it would make more sense if you said Karen was on top of the bed, or sleeping in the bed. Above sounds like she's levitating. ^_^
It's also not clear exactly where Lina is. Is she physically under the bed?
And I understand maybe light is bad for her or something like that, but isn't it dark outside at night? Why does she have to go under?

passing through my body like clay.

I'm wondering what kind of sensation that would be. Odd description, not sure I like it.

II-- Overall

Karen-- I completely agree with Lin. She's so random, and so very brief. What makes her so special that she is named while all the other humans are not?

Elementals-- I'm not quite sure what they do. You say humans "call upon" them. How? What does it do? In your case, I'm not going to say show don't tell -- I want you to tell!
You've thrown me into this story with your own mythology -- which is captivating, by the way, but I have no idea what any of it is. A lot needs to be explained.
Perhaps show a seen where a human calls upon her?

Pacing

It's a little rushed. I like it, but you need to go back, slow down, and re-read this. Instead of briefly saying "Oh yeah humans can call on me!", put some scenes there where it happens. This screams to be expanded even further.

Great idea, Rosey. Lovely read.

--Antigone

Hehe, Rosey. You told me I could shred, darling.

I laughed and ran in the shade, catching the ball before it hit the ground. “Nice toss, Karen!”

Shade? What shade? This kinda had me for a second. There are no mention of trees, or anything like that. Maybe describing the area around her more will help make that line make more sense.

A casual observe might not have seen the differences in us. The dark hair, tan skin and dark eyes were common in this region. Only if the wind blew our hair out behind us did one notice my ears were a dark elf’s sharp point, while hers were round, human.

To me, I got confused here. Who is the human? Karen or Lina? It didn't say and it got me really confused.

While Karen got above the bed, I always crawled under.

This line annoys me to death. When Karen goes above the bed? To me, I picture a flying girl right now, and I don't think that's right. Maybe into bed and Lina crawled underneath it? It's just confusing right there.

It was the only thing a dark elf could do anymore, unless you were one of the lucky few who could travel the Earth.

Sooo, let me try to wrap this all up. The dark elves used to be able to walk on Earth, but now they can't. They can't because the humans don't believe in them anymore, and so now, weighed down in human emotions, the elves can't walk on the Earth because the sun hurts their skin.
This is all confusing to me because I don't think there is enough mentioned about it. You just kinda said it and went on, which made me confused. Explaining it more in the story would help a lot, darling.

My hand found its way to the edge of a plate.

This part annoys me to no end. The tectonic plates are supposed to be huge and big. To just touch an edge, well, annoys me. Because of the plates being so big and always rubbing against each other, there really wouldn't be that many edges. I understand that it is fantasy, but that just annoys me (since I know it's fantasy, that's why I'm not bugging you about how no one can actually stand under that tectonic plates, since it's magma and stuff. But it's fantasy, so psh).

Making that call was always hard on the Elders, Elementals who led their race, because they always weight what the humans lost and what the Elementals gained in cataclysm.

Should it not be weigh? I think you mean that instead of weight.



Fast can be confusing I realize this was during a word war in chat, but it is a little confusing in spots. It seems like you rushed it too much, instead of stopping by and describing more. There is still so much there. To me, I'm like, "Gosh, I just want to know more!!"


Characters Okay, so Lina being a dark elf interests me, but Karen from the beginning keeps bothering me. I feel like more should be about Karen in it. Like, putting Karen at the beginning seems to make her more special than any of the others. Maybe putting something about Karen in the end would kinda wrap up the story. Like, a single tear went down her cheek as Lina briefly remembered of Karen.

Something like that, so it doesn't seem like Karen is some random girl. It would make an interesting twist to it all.


The idea I love it. I love about the dark elves and how they used to live on Earth with the humans, and how they now have to hurt the humans, because of what they did (the humans, not the elves).
It's a great idea, and I absolutely love it.


Other stuffs I can tell the difference from you writing this in the word war, because of what I said before. It sounds kinda rushed and not written as carefully. Maybe going back over this, writing it again slower, and I bet it would be a whole lot better, darling.

Keep on trying, darling.


Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

*Lin