.

Hello Rosey!


Like the other I do like the child's perspective. However, I still can't really click with the MC. I think it's because since you're doing first person, the language has to be painfully simple. Kids don't have such large vocabularies. So, even though it's written well, it didn't grasp me. What I suggest you do is write it third person. You can still have it from the point of view of a child, just more descriptive. I mean, if a child narrates a story from his point of view it will be very simple. I think that's why you struggled with the age.
But if you wrote it from third person you could keep that innocent childish atmosphere as well as add more magic and charm to it through descriptive writing.

I want to know what the fairies look like, the garden, the atmosphere, the sounds, the whole magic of it. Also, I feel that your story lacks a climax. There's not much to the conflict either. A bit more suspense and a concise plot would make it oh so perfect. Everything just goes too perfectly. It's too sugary and sweet, if you get what I mean. I need something to keep me to go on reading. Something to make me look forward to the end.

Other than that, a very sweet story on the whole. I wouldn't call the idea original. But overall, it has a lot of potential.

PM me if you have any questions.
-Zehra

I really liked this. I love the way the story is written from a child's perspective. It had a few grammatical errors here and there but other than that i wouldn't change a thing. I'm not really going to point out any of the errors i saw because, to be completely honest, my grammar isn't too good and i make the same mistakes all the time. It would be hypocritical of me to correct you when I probably have 100 in this comment alone. All in all this was good.

I really liked this. I love the way the story is written from a child's perspective. It had a few grammatical errors here and there but other than that i wouldn't change a thing. I'm not really going to point out any of the errors i saw because, to be completely honest, my grammar isn't too good and i make the same mistakes all the time. It would be hypocritical of me to correct you when I probably have 100 in this comment alone. All in all this was good.

Thanks everybody!

Ah yes. all those weird spellings/wordings. That's what happens when you write at ten pm. Much thanks for pointing those out.

The age, the age, the age. I struggled with that while writing and I see it shows. If you have any tips for showing an eight year old better, that would be much appreciated. (I was never really a kid, so my wordings are rusty)

It might not show, but I am working out the kinks in my head. I might even continue this, if I feel the need.

Thank ye again!

Hey, Rosey, my new fellow purp!

Ha, I can tell that you meant the dialogue grammar to be like that. I don't know why someone would comment on a child's dialect like that... *points to several of the above reviews*

I-- Nitpicks

all the paper on his desk

And Mommy had gardened yesterday so there were no spider webs.

sat in the dirt and pulled Walter into the dirt in front of me.

until some room started getting too dark.

As she counted to thirty, just because she could. Rose was so smart!

Walter perked up. “Mashed potatoes? Tonight?”

As she counted to thirty, just because she could. Rose was so smart!

Hmm.

I like your writing well enough, but I... kind of hate your narrator. I mean, not hate, of course, I don't hate children - who, me? *shifty eyes* - but she annoys me, and I don't feel a lot of sympathy for her, neither good traits for a protagonist and/or narrator to have. Sure, she's cute, but the tweeness gets wearying quickly. And she doesn't read like an eight year old, really, even one who's been exposed to a secretly real fantasy world all her life, if that's what it was meant to be. She sounds more like a five year old. Indeed, eight year olds are often depressingly cynical little brats, as far as I can recall. It's difficult for me to pin down why, exactly, the concept of it as a whole bothers me, repels me from reading on; I've read stories about children much younger than me and enjoyed them, although never from the first person, which might be part of it.

Anyway, none of this is very helpful. The grammar has already been taken care of by other kind reviewers, and the issues I have with this are as vague as they are pressing. Uhm. It might not be sustainable, writing solely through a young child's eyes for a novel, I suppose. I don't know. I have to say, though, that I probably wouldn't read such a novel all the way through. Do you have other viewpoint characters for older readers to latch onto? That might help.

Also: uncanny teddy bear is uncanny. D:

Bonjour, mon ami. Interesting story. Here are some problems I found with it.

Note: Additions and changes are in bold, and spelling changes are italisized.

“You’re a sweetheart Jenny. I’m just not happy, my friends cancelled going to the movies.”

Don’t I, Walter?”

I held Walter up to my ear he he could talk.

And Mommy had gardened yesterday so there were no spider webs.

The gate felt [s]all[/s] cold under my hand.

“We have somebody else playing, too?”

I looked at my friends. “I have to go. You too, Walter,” I added when he didn’t come closer.


He kicked his foot. “Do we have to?”

Heya Rosie. Awesome story here. A couple of grammer mistakes that Colt didn't catch.

“‘Watsa matter ‘Ren?” I said cheerfully to my older sister.

“That’s not very safe.” Patty said

He kicked his foot.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:“‘Watsa matter ‘Ren?” I said cheerfully to my older sister. Most people called her Serenity, but I just called her Ren. shouldn't watsa be what is?

She sighed. comma not period “Nothing.”

I adjusted my grip on my teddy bear. “Doesn’t look like nothing.” I think you meant nothing as it was dialogue, but generally it should be anything.

I went down the stairs and passed by Mommy in the kitchen. She was busy baking for some party she was going to. When I had asked her what kind of party, she just told me I couldn’t go because it was all for grown-ups. I knew she wouldn’t play with me. She had told me to go play with Ren. Nice use of the italics in this paragraph. You empathized it well!

Walter agreed with me that fairies were real. Nobody else seemed to see them, even when I pointed right at one. It was very frustrating. Daddy always used that word when I asked him about all the paper on his desk. He always said paying the bills was very frustrating. When I had asked him what that meant, he’d said that something was frustrating if you couldn’t understand something or people couldn’t understand you. That’s what it was like with fairies. Nobody else understood they were there.

When I got to the back garden I was sad to see no flowers were there. And mommy had gardened yesterday so there were no spider webs. Even the ivy leaves on the back wall didn’t have any. I sat in the dirt and pulled Walter into the dirt in front of me. While he sat there, I put my elbows on my knees put my knuckles on my cheeks.

“Now what do we do?” more italics!

that round. This time it was Walter who was found last. I should have known he’d be the best hider. He was always hiding around the house.

We kept playing Hide and Seek until some room started getting too dark. It was then when we went outside to play catch with the big beach ball. It wasn’t until the sky was all pink that I heard my name called from the other side of the gate. Until than then, not than, I had forgotten about that gate.

Walter perked up. “Mashed potatoes? Tonight?” I LOVE this quote, it amazes me. haha.

After taking a few steps I looked back towards the ivy. The gate was gone. It didn’t matter, though. I knew I could go back tomorrow. wonderful ending