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Sat Mar 21, 2009 7:44 pm

JFW1415 wrote a review...

This is one of the two complimentary critiques you get for entering CIA's money contest. The other will come from Bittersweet, CIA's guest judge.

Aww, that was such a sweet story! I wish I could be swept up by fairies for a whole week!

Anyways, my main problem with this story came at the beginning. It was all so fast – open door see money be shocked bring it inside yay money! Just slow down a little – or a lot! Let us see her reaction to the money for a bit. Let her brew some coffee, yawning, thinking over her dream, then go outside. Stretch it out. Build the suspension.

Also, paint a slightly prettier picture with the fairies. Right now, you're kind of showing them as drunks or druggies – it sounds awful. Make it a little less mystical – make her a little more knowledgeable.

Finally, the fact that she suddenly knows they're fairies at the end bothers me. At least let us see how mischievous they are during the dream. Lead up to it a bit more so we're not so shocked.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

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Mon Mar 02, 2009 5:56 pm

vet4life13 wrote a review...

Hey!

First, awesome storyline. It was a pretty good idea overall, and the way you made the fairies not little, but people-sized was very imaginative. It was a little bit russhed in the beginning, but that's okay. Just keep writing and that wil work itself out. Some of the tenses were a little off, but otherwise, awesome job! Keep it up.

Vet

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Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:17 am

Bittersweet wrote a review...

Hey, Rosey! I'm the guest judge for the February 2009 CIA contest! This is the first complimentary critique out of two that comes along with entering the contest. The other will be given by JFW1415. Anyway, so I'm going to go through the story first, and then I'll give you an overall afterward. Sounds good?

Jessica stirred when sunlight filtered through her curtains and landed on her closed eyes. She yawned and got up, her head still spinning from her dream. She hadn’t dreamed like that in ages.

Nutty said somewhere up there before that this wasn't exactly the best way to begin the story. I must agree. I like the elements of mystery you have here, but you still give us a bit too much information here. Don't tell us who the main character is right away. Give us a little bit to wonder. It helps to keep the reader's interest intact!

Not with actual characters and voices, usually her dreams were just jumbles

The use of the word 'characters' in this sentence is odd. I don't refer living people, even in dreams, as characters. I think that perhaps you should just replace that with 'people'.

She was still puzzling over it as she went to get the mail. When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step

In the first sentence, you think she's already walking outside to get to the mail. In the second sentence, she's only just opened the door. Being the reader, I was a little confused at first. I had to read it over a second time before I understood. You may want to change it to "Jessica was still puzzling over it as she slipped on her shoes to go get the mail. When she opened the front door, there..."

Who had done this? Why was it there?

Because this is presumably Jessica thinking, it should be in present tense. Who has done this? Why is it here?

Jessica tapped her head, trying to get her brain to work.

I don't know if you do this, but this action seems a little unrealistic. I've never known anyone who taps their head when they're trying to get their brain to work. A more realistic action could be rubbing her temples or running a hand through her hair.

Jessica remembered walking home late, grumbling about her college prof and the work

Spell out 'professor'. It'd be all right if it was in 1st person and that's the way she talks. But since it isn't, I think it'd be better if you just took it out.

the dean that insisted she take Fine Art

'Art' should be capitalized.

A drink. He’d given her a drink. Jessica took it, and as soon as a few drops touched her throat things became a blur.

Take out the 'He'd given her a drink' part. There's really no need to emphasize the fact that she got a drink, since you told us already in the sentence previous. Also, put a comma between 'throat' and 'things'.

Feeling slightly more awake Jessica checked the number of messages.

Comma between 'awake' and 'Jessica'.

A smile spread across her face. She only knew of one group that could change money into leaves. Jessica laughed, realizing who the people in the woods had been.
Fairies.

How could she have jumped to that conclusion so quickly? I would have never instantly thought "Oh, the fairies came and gave me money!" I think you should leave hints throughout the story that indicate who the people in the forest was. And then give a rational explanation as to why it was the fairies.

But anyway. Enough of that!
_______

Overall:

I think the story was a little rushed. It was good, not much wrong, but it seems like you could have spent a little more time on it. For example. Jessica's character was really... bland. There was nothing that made her special. Nothing that made me like her, or feel attached to her. Is she a dreamer? Does she like fantasy? Dragons, fairies, witches? That might be a logical reason why she would be so willing to accept that the people she had danced with were actually fairies. Make her real; make her believable!

The bit when you go on to explain the night she sees the dancing people is really confusing. I mean, the actual writing is clear, but it's very unclear if that actually happened or if it was all just in the dream. Because you said previously that the dream was like a memory, or maybe it could have been. So I don't know if this actually happened or not. You should probably clarify whether or not she actually remembers doing it, or if this is just what she dreamed.

All in all, however, this is very well written with only a few minor mistakes. I like the fantasy aspect you gave to the contest entry. It was a nice touch! I wish you good luck on the outcome!

-Holly

Points: 3101
Reviews: 51

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Sun Mar 01, 2009 3:40 am

Mira wrote a review...

There's nothing I can really add to this, though I didn't see any mistakes when I went through. ^-^ It was a really original and wonderful piece. I loved it!
I have to say, I was suprised when I found out she'd been gone a whole week. After dancing for so long, she must've needed a lot of rest.
Good job!!!

Saph

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Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:56 am

Nutty wrote a review...

Jessica stirred when sunlight filtered through her curtains and landed on her closed eyes. She yawned and got up, her head still spinning from her dream. She hadn’t dreamed like that in ages. Not with actual characters and voices, usually her dreams were just jumbles.

Hrmm.
There's something about this I just don't like.
Take the first line. Your first line is there to draw in your reader, by making them think, or making them see a picture. You're starting with a Named character waking up because the sunlight hit her face. Not the strongest opening, in my opinion.
I also don't like the 'and got up,'. It seems a little oversimplified. It leaves no image, and is a rather bland way to describe the action.
And the last line, it doesn't actually make sense by itself. Maybe re-write as-
She hadn't dreamed like that in ages, with characters and voices. Usually her dreams were just jumbled events.

She was still puzzling over it as she went to get the mail. When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step. Her head spun again. She gripped the doorframe for support. Who had done this? Why was it there?

Bam! You hit us with info. There is no showing to this, there's no real picture in my head, and her reaction is a little stiff. Have her almost fall over the bag, or something. Otherwise this has a 'list' feel. You're merely stating each thing that happens, with little insight into the character or the surroundings. Once she is aware of it, the first thought would be disbelief, confusion. She would most likely touch it and check it before coming to the conclusion it really was a bag full of hundred dollar bills. *Then* she would wonder who it came from, and what she should do. Take it to the police? Spend it? leave it? Ask around the neighborhood?

It was still fresh in her mind, just as fresh as any memory. But maybe it hadn’t been a dream. Maybe, it had actually happened.

Blaugh. This little phrase has been used too often, worded differently each time. I would just cut it out, let the reader come to this conclusion for themselves.

Woah...um, would you randomly dance with a bunch of strangers? In the middle of the woods? I would be wary, and hesitant to approach. Most people would, I think.

Hrmm. This isn't my favourite story of yours, Rosey dear. It seems a little stiff, and unnatural. We know very little about the MC, which makes her hard to relate to. The descriptions are lacking, I feel.
Hrmm.... It could be improved with more refined descriptions, clearer actions, and more realistic reactions from your MC. She seems to have very little emotional reaction until right at the end, where I would be freaking out. Having your head messed with is scary. She seems to take everything a little cooly.

Anyway, good luck for the contest. Tell me how you get on.

-Nutty

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Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:59 am

JabberHut wrote a review...

And here I am! ^_^

Alrighty, I was very confused, even when I reached the end. I mean, the conclusion answered some questions, but it brought back one big one: How did she know they were fairies?

You never actually described the people dancing. You only say they were enjoying themselves. I pictured it as a dream or an illusion, and it was just a happy group of people partying the night away. Not fairies. xD I think a bit of foreshadowing could help with this -- hint a fairy characteristic that separates them from humans: height, appearance, etc.

We started well. I'm content when I first read this, and then you mention the money on her doorstep. We seemed to have just skimmed over that fact, though. As if it's an everyday kind of deal, and we both know its not. xD I think seeing her expression before we even know its money would help the suspense a bit better.

Later, you mention college. Is there really a college when the building is an hour away? o_o That's terrible. XD

Besides the ending and the beginning, a big concern is that we never get into the MC's head. I mean, we don't have to, but we don't really know her? Take Steve's phone call for instance. The MC replies to Steve's complaint as if she knew what he was talking about. You give us the eyebrow action, but that's it. Does she really remain that calm? Give us more hints of that then beforehand. Like with the money. If she's always calm, and Steve's complaint doesn't sway her, then the money shouldn't, right?

Hopefully I've helped a little bit. I basically just pulled out what I thought were faults. Go ahead and contact me with any questions or concerns. I'd be happy to explain or elaborate on whatever I've said. xD

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Points: 89625
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Tue Feb 24, 2009 11:43 pm

Rosendorn says...

Alright, to let you all know I am working on this. I just haven't edited all your wonderful comments in yet. ^_^

And, yes, this is just a short story. I don't plan on continuing it.

Thank you all!

Points: 890
Reviews: 11

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Tue Feb 24, 2009 2:43 pm

sheepy.shoo wrote a review...

Hey Rosey, your story is great! I was just browsing through yws searching for something proper to review. Looks like I found it!^^ There are still a few things that are a bit strange.

She was still puzzling over it as she went to get the mail. When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step. Her head spun again. She gripped the doorframe for support. Who had done this? Why was it there?

I would be a little bit more surprised if I had a sack full of hundred dollar notes stewing on my front doorstep!

She looked through the bag with trembling hands, trying to put the ends together. There had to be at least ten thousand dollars in there. All of the bills she could see were hundred dollar ones. Jessica tapped her head, trying to get her brain to work. Where had she seen such wealth before?

Her dream.

Here you say that she saw such wealth in her dream, but then you tell us the dream and, well, theres not really any wealth... or did I just misunderstand that?

I also kinda thought she was still living with her parents until Steve rang, so try to make her age clear more early on.

I liked the rest. The fairies exist like you invent them to be, although I would have made them a touch shyer.

Okay, one last thing: I liked your style, how you wrote it kind of upside down. And I like the end. We really all should remember a bittle more about the good things in life and stop moping.

I have a question: is this a short story or does it continue?

~sheepy

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Mon Feb 23, 2009 1:49 am

Juniper wrote a review...

Hey there Rosey! You get my 350th review, and for this I get a purty, shiny blue star! Eek!

She was still puzzling over it as she went to get the mail. When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step. Her head spun again. She gripped the doorframe for support. Who had done this? Why was it there?

• Doorframe is two words, dear

.

• Also! Too much info too soon, Rosey! How does she know that there's hundred dollar bills in there? Let us know that when she discovers it, dear. How does she know what's in there? Is the bag see-through? If it is, wouldn't you think that a passerby might see it and steal it? Why is she getting the mail first thing in the morning anyway?

Jessica remembered walking home late, grumbling about her college prof and the work he assigned, and the dean that insisted she take Fine Art even though the class wasn’t part of her major. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for how darn far the building was: an hour by bus, and it always stopped three blocks away from home unless she ducked through the woods, like she was doing now. Her backpack was loaded with homework assignments; Jessica knew she could kiss fun goodbye this weekend. Homework came first, and this load was enough to claim second and third place as well.

• Were you rushing, dear?

Don't use informal abbreviations-- and if you do, use it after using the formal form. Spell out professor!

• Also! You see where you have "that". It should be "Who" followed by a comma.

Walking down a small trail that would shave a few more minutes off her walk, Jessica paused when she heard music coming from the woods just beyond the trail. Curious, she ducked through the underbrush to see—people.

• Roooseeyy, misplaced dash! It doesn't sound right, dear. Maybe it should be something like:

Curious, she ducked under the underbrush to see what was making the noise.

[/i]People.[/i]

After some time, one of the older people, a man with a long white beard, give her [s]something.[/s] A drink.[s]He’d given her a drink.[/s] Jessica took it, and as soon as a few drops touched her throat everything[s]s[/s] became a blur. She’d passed out in the woods, and when she’d woken up again, she was in her own bed.

• Give? tsk, should be gave in past tense, dear.

At the thought of explaining things, Jessica’s mind wandered back to the money. How would anybody believe that she had just found this much money on her front step? Nobody in the block was that rich. Most people here, herself included, were just trying to find a place to live that was near the rez. They’d probably think she’d stolen it. That was the only explanation they would be able to find believable.

• Rez? Is this an abbreviation, dear? It's kind of confusing,

Don't use abbreviations in literature before giving us the whole word!

* * *

Now!

Pay attention to your tenses, dear. You're like... talking in past tense-- about something that happened before, but you keep switching to present, and that's kind of getting jumbly and confusing, dear.

So! This was great, rather original, and stuff, but her feelings just didn't seem realistic. I would be like... more overwhelmed if I got that much money, haha. Pretend like you just got that much, Rosey, and see how you react.

Moving on, the transitional points were pretty rough in some spots. It was good, but you could easily confuse an audience, Rosey.

Overall, brilliant job. It was very original, and with a bit of polishing, you'd be great.

Good luck in that contest, dear!

June

Points: 890
Reviews: 21

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Sat Feb 21, 2009 12:15 am

Ember wrote a review...

Wow, Rosey! I liked how you excellently tied in the elements of Celtic folklore and the day-to-day life of a college student. I thought it was a well done piece because of the way that you perfectly blended fantasy and reality. You also gave us a good message- that a little lightheartedness can take us a long way. I'm sorry I can't be nit-picky here because everyone already took care of that for me- I didn't catch any spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes anyway. This was beautifully done and totally original! It was a very enjoyable read.

-Ember

Points: 3225
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Tue Feb 17, 2009 1:45 am

Antigone Cadmus says...

Roseyyyy!

Review number two!

Jessica stirred when sunlight filtered

Hmmm, now that I re-read this line, I think it would flow better as "Jessica stirred as..."

Jessica tapped her head, trying to get her brain to work.

Honestly, would you really physically tap your head to stimulate your brain?

and the men formal jackets.

I can't really imagine fairy men in stiff suit jackets. ^_^

Their voices were like wind-chimes, their faces wrinkled with smiles.

Lovely.

I’ve been trying to call you all week!”

She was knocked out for a week? How about, "I've been trying to call you all day!" That makes a lot more sense.

*applauds*

Sweet little story, Rosey. I am still wondering who Steve is, though. ^_^

--Sakura

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Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:55 pm

Rosendorn says...

Oh boy.

Okay, I have added more into this, but, heh, with these new reviews I realize it's not quite enough. The places I have added are the fairies and a little more on what her reaction is. The rest.... I'll get to it!

Thank you all!

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Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:00 pm

StellaThomas wrote a review...

Good day, Rosey my love! Stella here! I said I'd do this, didn't I?

I. NITPICKS

When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step.

This is like building up to a story, building up, building up, and then you get to the face off and it says "He shot him and he died and then they all went to the saloon to drink cider." (Did they have cider in the Wild West?) C'mon, it's exciting! Make it so!

Her eyebrows shot up. She faked a cough. “Um, I was, sick. Really sick.” Jessica faked another cough. “Just been able to answer the phone now.”

Quick thinking.

Okay...

II. CHARACTERISATION

We get it, she's stressed. Mercy knows we're all stressed. But apart from that, who be she? A student, right. What else? Does she not have a worried mother who jumps into her mind when she realises she's been gone? Why is she so sort of la-di-da about the whole affair? Nonchalant, I think the word is... did she believe in fairy's before hand? Does she not wonder why they picked her?

On top of all these questions, what's she like?

Also, who be Steve? A filler, or more? Is he her boyfriend, or just a friend, or even just a random guy in her class who has her number (also possible.)

III. FLASHBACK

I don't know, this is more a thought to chew on rather than a suggestion... her dream/memory might be more effective if told in snippets. A line here, a line there... you could use italics, perhaps... as she's wandering round her house, she tries to recollect the dream, she sees herself cutting through the woods... she find the money and for the life of her doesn't know how she got there... perhaps Steve's voice reminds her that she had heard other voices, only not exactly... human? And then as she looks in the bag again, she sees what happened. I don't know. It's how I would've done it, but I guess it's just a matter of taste...

IV. OVERALL

I enjoyed it. Interesting take on the prompt.

Hope I helped!

-Stella x

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Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:19 pm

Antigone Cadmus wrote a review...

Oh my Lord, I'm late reviewing this!

By two days!

Really, really, sorry Rosey. *offers cookies*

When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step. Her head spun again.

Okay, someone left a huge sack o' cash on her doorstep and her only reaction is to have her head spin? I feel like she should be a lot more surprised. Does she squeal? Faint? Jump for joy? Grab money in fistfuls and run to the nearest mall (that's what I would do ^_^ )?

Who had done this? Why was it there?

Jessica should be thinking this, not you.

Jessica brought the bag up to her room and left it by her bed so it would be away from windows and prying eyes.

This is where I begin to wonder, "Where are the parents?" I know Jessica is a college student -- how can she afford her own house? Should she be in a dorm? An apartment?

I've read the rest of your story, so I know how the dream fits in, but at this point in the story ^^ it is slightly confusing for the reader.

Overall

Lovely story, Rosey! Sorry I couldn't find more to critique -- it seems I got here a little late. :oops:

The one problem you have is description. The problem being that you need a lot more of it.

I mostly would like more description when she meets the fairies. You refer to the fairies -- "One of the people," "An old person", but I have no idea what they look like.

You also need to get into Jessica's thoughts a bit more. When there is only one character in your story, you should add some internal dialogue. So I want us to see a little more what Jessica is thinking. Not only will it make the story more interesting, it will get us invested in the character.

Good luck in the contest!

~~~Sakura~~~

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Reviews: 107

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Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:44 am

fluteluvr77 wrote a review...

Wow Rosey this is really good...I couldn't find any nitpicks that anti-pop hadn't fixed...This story isn't what I expected when I read the prompt, but it is really good! I love the end of the story...Personally, I don't think you should slow the pace of the story anymore. I liked the way everything moved and the way that you were left guessing...Yet I have to agree that you should add a lot more descriptions of the MC. I would prefer if you described her and let us know how she feels at any time in the story...I would also like it if you explained how she felt when she was among the fairies, and what she did...My favorite part was the part where she finds the coin saying remember and she realizes that they were the fairies...I love the way you describe her feelings at that point! Anyway, great job on this and I hope that you win this contest! Gold star for originality! PM me if you update this story or change anything in this! Good luck!
fluteluvr77<3

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Sat Feb 14, 2009 11:46 pm

Rosendorn says...

Okay, I've fixed the first-person stuff that you pointed out.

As for the rest, I'll update this soon. Another day or two maybe? Not long.

And, this is a short story. It's supposed to leave something to the imagination. :wink:

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Sat Feb 14, 2009 11:06 pm

anti-pop wrote a review...

Hi, Rosey!

This was extremely original, first off. I'm surprised! You definitely took the prompt in a totally different direction than I would have originally thought. Way to go!

However, praise is in the end comments. For now, we will fix what needs to be fixed!

Fix-Its

Jessica stirred when sunlight filtered through [s]my[/s] her curtains and landed on her closed eyes.

Correction in bold.

Not with actually characters and voices, usually her dreams were just jumbles.

"Actually" should be "actual". I'm also pretty sure the coma should be a semi-colon.

When Jessica opened the front door, there was a bagful of hundred dollar bills on the front step.

I think you should expand on this part a lot more. I'd say...donate at least a paragraph to this scene. Show us her surprised/shocked reaction. I know I'd probably pass out!

Who had done this? Why was it there?

These should be Jessica's own thoughts:
'Who did this? What's going on?' Or something to that extent.

Quickly, she took the money inside before anybody saw it was there.

Correction in bold.

There had to be at least ten thousand dollars in there.

OK, this is a major nit-pick. I added "at least" in there, simply because it sounds more like a guess. It would be odd that she knew just by looking at the bag that there's $10k in there.

Who would give her such a thing?

Again, I think this should be the MC's personal thoughts.
'Who in the world would just give this to me?'

Her dream was so fresh.

Here, you switch ideas too quickly. Ease into her thoughts about her dream. Remember, she just found ten thousand dollars...why would she be thinking about her dream at a time like this? Maybe she was suddenly reminded of something that happened in her vivid dream?

Homework came first, and this load was enough to claim second and third place as well.

I love this! xD

After some time one of the older people give her something. A drink. He’d given her a drink.

I like the repetition and choppiness here. It makes the scene seem blurred and a bit confusing, which is good, because that's how Jessica felt.

Jessica went outside and stretched [s]my[/s] her arms, feeling the wind pick up.

Correction in bold.

The joy of the time spent with them came back, the feeling of release while dancing, her headache melting away after only a few minutes of having fun.

I'm no grammar nut so I can't tell you exactly how to fix this last sentence. However, I'm pretty sure it needs to be fixed. Or at least separated.

Now, she realized, [s]you[/s] she needed to have fun. Or else, nothing would work.

This should probably be rewritten as a thought. It's fine this way too.

The wind began to die down and she stopped twirling. “I will remember,” she whispered to the breeze. “I promise.”

New line break after "I will remember".

Grammar/Vocabulary

Grammar was a little off. I remember you telling me you began in first-person, then you decided to switch to third, so I will condone you for those small errors. I will also use this space to add my opinion on a few instances where I pointed out Jessica's thoughts. Normally, I wouldn't convert questions like those into thoughts. However, when the questions are more personal, they sound more natural when coming from the MC rather than the narrator.
I'm very pleased with your vocabulary. It wasn't too showy, and it wasn't too simple. Just right! That's all I have to say about that.

Description

I know this is a short piece, but you've got to donate more space to description. This story is over as soon as it begins, and that's dissapointing. It's a great story, and you need to expand on this awesome idea. Here's a few starters:
1. Describe the emotions of Jessica when she found the bag of money. What were her thoughts exactly?
2. Show us more of the fairy gathering in the woods! It must have been wonderfully enchanting for Jessica to have such happy memories of it the next day.
3. Describe Jessica's emotions when the money turned to leaves? How exactly did she come to the conclusion it was the fairies? Was she at least a little dissapointed at the loss of money?
Try giving at least a paragraph worth of description and detail for those three subjects.

Characterization

Great! (haha.) Really, I do love the character of Jessica. I only wish this was longer! What I really like about her is the fact that you made her so real. Conversation and dialogue always shows a lot about a character. The phone call between Steve and Jessica was really amusing; I pretend to be sick all the time when on the phone. Her actions made me feel like I understood her more. I really do like her character...I hope you continue with this story!
Also, I'd like to mention how you characterized the fairies. At first, they seem like cute little happy-go-lucky fairies in the woods, but we find out at the end they're really little tricksters! That was a great twist. I think I like these fairies very much.

Originality

Fantastic! As I said before, this was completely different than what I had originally imagined. I actually laughed out loud when the money turned to leaves! I would've never come up with that. You and fantasy go together like peanutbutter and jelly.
I think what made this story even more 'fantastical' was the sharp contrast between the playful fairies in the woods and the normal, down-to-earth teenager. I really loved it!

Overall Impression

Let me say this first: I really do love this story. Or, this 'idea', rather. (You've really got to try and expand on this great plot.) Seriously, Rosey. I want more of this! And to be brutally honest: you're probably going to have a harder time winning this contest with this story. I only say that because it's so short! Really. Just expand on your ideas more and it's in the bag. I hope you give us an updated version soon! (Or not, totally up to you. ^^)
*Gold Star*

~anti-pop

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Reviews: 272

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Sat Feb 14, 2009 4:25 pm

beckiw wrote a review...

Hey, Rosey

I know that it is a short story and it is supposed to be fast paced and that you wrote it in two days but it still feels a little bit rushed to me. I think she discovered the money a bit too quickly, perhaps she could be mulling over the dream for a little bit before she finds the money. Also it's like one event after another pretty quickly. Perhaps it is because I like long drawn out complicated narratives lol

I also think you should spend more time on the part where she meets the fairies, describe them a bit more without revealing who they are of course and describe her time with them.

I think you need to add in more of Jessica's thoughts, more about how she feels about the money. How she felt when she met the fairies, how she feels when she realises she has been gone for a week. I just didn't get much of a sense of her or what was going on in her head.

Other than that there is much more to say I quite enjoyed it and the use of fairies, I like fairies. As you know by all the fairy books I buy lol

Let me know when you edit and PM if you have any questions

Bex x

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Sat Feb 14, 2009 4:07 pm

peanut19 wrote a review...

Hey Rose. Um, do you usually write in 1st person? Because I saw some places where you switched from 3rd to 1st. For example:

She couldn’t remember how long I had spent with them.

I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be: how long she had spent with them.

I only knew of one group that could change money into leaves.

Again the I is probably supposed to be a she or Jessica's name.

Also it might help the reader if you italicize the dream, so they know what Jessica is doing in the story and what she dreamed. Hope that helps. PM me if you have any questions or when you write more.
~peanut~

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