Young Writers Society

Hey there, just going to leave a few comments. I think you've got some great ideas here, but you could go a long way in developing the story aspect of it. Most of the lines are general comments about a general relationship, but not much makes it specific. I think adding some specificity would add another layer to this poem.

One aspect I enjoyed was your elevated and romantic language throughout - nice job with the consistency there. If you kept the lines lengths a bit more even this poem would have very nice flow.

I noticed that a few reviewers were noting the punctuation being absent. This article gives great explanation for the effect of different punctuation choices in poetry: Punctuation in Poetry and I'd recommend everyone give it a read! It's great! I think in this poem's case you didn't need the commas or periods because the line breaks pretty much consistently came at ends of sentences, and there was no ambiguity as far as meaning. So punctuation was unneeded.

Also good job keeping that theme of "eyes" throughout the piece, that made it feel rather cohesive even if I had a hard time deciphering the overall story.

Well done!

alliyah

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

So, the first thing I noticed is that a bunch of lines are missing commas. I have said it before and I will say it again. IF. YOU. ARE. NOT. PUTTING. IN. GRAMMAR. PUT. IT. IN. AN. AUTHORS. NOTE. PLEASE. IT. WILL. SAVE. US. REVIEWERS. TIME. Thank you and moving on. The lines that need commas would be "It tells a story", "A narrative of loyalty", "Oh! If only l could stare into those eyes", "One last time", "Oh! Those eyes a fool of passion", "Those eyes are that of l faithful women" and "Caring for her partner". To be honest, the wording of thepoem was really odd and it was difficult to figure out what words/lines needed to have commas.

Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! So, happy Valentines Day ! I really need to go now, Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Annnd I think he brought a dinosaur to life. Great. Anyways, Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Thanks for sharing this poem about finding the ideal woman. The poem mentions that this perfection can be detected in he eyes. Which makes sense since we as humans do tend to convey a lot with our eyes. Shifty eyes might convey a scheming malicious personality. Watery eyes a compassionate one when a disaster or tragedy happens. Steady gaze in the face of danger might convey unusual bravery. A squinting of eyes might convey a skeptical personality. So many such impressions might be given at the outset. Often our evaluation proves true. At other times we are disappointed when they don't. In any case, the poem tells us how the speaker feels at the given moment it is written and does a good job of describing his certainty.


Suggestion

I would not rely on the title to be taken as part of the poem itself. Titles are usually ignored wen reading the body of the poem and so might lead to confusion at the start.

....one's you love.... [ones you love] the word “one’s” means “one is”
example: One’s not going to run away if one’s to gain honor.
or it can mean the possessive as in: “ones clothing, one’s anger”

Example: One’s anger is unjustified in that case.
https://forum.wordreference.com/threads ... ones.1017/

I would not use “heart of gold" phrase because it is a cliche’

....were forgiveness lies [....where forgiveness....]