JUST A Dream
As l gaze into the sitting sun admiring one of Nature’s delightful sceneries I hear a voice, a voice that l can never mistake for someone else. It’s her it must be her, as she approaches from a distance she calls out my name with the exact gently pitch in tone she used to. I can’t yet get a good look as she is overshadowed by the sitting sun. She calls once more and this time l had no doubt that it’s her voice. But it can’t be she died a year ago, as she gets closer and closer my heartbeat rises rapidly but the agony of not being sure becomes too much so l run to her, as l get closer my heart starts to feel at ease, this only happened when she was close to me. Got it be true is she real, l can’t believe my eyes she is standing right across me. Wearing the exact same dress the one she wore when l first decanted my eyes upon her. She was my soul mate l vowed that our love will remain for eternity, her ravishing face that is marked into my mind her voice a distinguishable feature in my ears were just a few centimeters away. I still not convinced ask hoping for a positive answer is this really you, are you real? She only looks at me and displays her never expiring beautiful smile, that always seems to soften my heart. I can’t take it anymore so l move closer to touch her face as she is right in front of me but for some reason l can’t seem to reach her, she moves farther and farther away until she disappears into the sitting sun. Just as l was about to conclude, l turned to walk away suddenly l feel a soft touch on my shoulder l quickly turned around, she kisses me passionately my heart stops for a few minutes as she kisses me like it was the last time. Then she ask me “why didn’t you fight for our love, why did you break your promise’’? I could see the disappointment in her eyes, the pain l could hear in her voice. After a few minutes of wondering what to say l finally replied” what do you mean l fought for our love till the end” no you did she says, you made an oath that l would be your last why did you marry again? As l was about to respond she pulls out a gun and says you were supposed to die and be with me in the afterlife, and then shoots me in the heart as l was about to fall to the ground l wake up screaming No!!!! l see her laying innocently next to me and l realized that it was JUST A DREAM.
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140,660 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
Hello, Rodger! PastelSlushie here for a review. Let's get right into it! Also, welcome to YWS!
NITPICKS - I will be providing four, but do what you want with what I provide.
1) As l gaze into the sitting sun admiring one of Nature’s delightful sceneries I hear a voice...
^ The word sitting doesn't seem to fit in this sentence. I'd suggest changing it to setting. You seem to do this more as the story goes on, so make sure to change them too.
2) l move closer to touch her face as she is right in front of me but for some reason l can’t seem to reach her...
^ This sentence seems to be missing two needed commas. Make sure to add them after me and reason.
3) Then she ask me “why didn’t you fight for our love, why did you break your promise"?...
^ The word ask doesn't fit in this sentence. Make sure to change it to asked, or asks if you want to go in first person.
4) l see her laying innocently...
^ The word laying doesn't fit in this sentence. Make sure to change it to lying. I also feel the word innocent could be removed from this sentence, it's unnecessary information in the story. The reader doesn't need to know how she looks while sleeping.
THOUGHTS
- Overall, I wasn't the biggest fan of what you're showing me. The dreaming plot you chose is overused in the writing world, it's all one big paragraph, and the grammar and punctuation need work. I would really like to see more information on the second marriage, but right now, it seems you just threw it in there for the sake of the argument during the dream. It switched from third person to first person point of view multiple times, choose one to keep it consistent.
When there is someone talking in a story, there is a new paragraph starting. Make sure to do that with the main character and the girl when they're arguing. Also, when someone is talking, the beginning of the first word is capitalized, and the punctuation is inside the quotation marks. You made those mistakes multiple times in the story, make sure to fix that.
Also, in the beginning, and the end of the story, you put just a dream in bold and italics. I'd suggest removing the just a dream statement at the beginning, and remove the bold and italics at the ending just a dream statement. The reader knows that the main character is dreaming through the title, it seems very unnecessary.
To fix your grammar and spelling mistakes throughout the story and what you continue to write in the future, I'd suggest proofreading your writings before publishing. Another thing, Grammarly. It fixes your spelling and grammar mistakes, and better, it's free! I use it for my writing and school essays, and it helps a bunch, I'll tell you.
Feel free to message me if you have any questions or if you disagree with anything in my review.
Pastel
Thanks l really appreciate your review.
The story was overall good however i didn't like a few things. I wish that you titled it differently. I feel like you gave away the resolution in the title. I really liked the plot though. Great job
Hi Rodger,
Welcome to YWS! Hopefully you're already getting dome constructive notes on this but I'll just add in my opinions too. I agree completely with Lav in that you should ignore the review below. As you'll no doubt learn as you come to do your own reviews for other people's work, the suggestions for improvement are just as important, if not more so than someone's own opinion on the story. Having said that, hopefully I'll be able to give you some tips on how to make your story better.
A dream sequence can be difficult to write in any case, just because it has been done so often and it's hard to write something that is still interesting to the reader and isn't completely cliche. For that reason I think it unwise to end with the words 'it was just a dream'. It sounds too much like a school assignment and not like a serious piece of work. If you can, find a way to twist that and add more ambiguity or just remove it altogether. Your reader does not need to be told everything in back and white; they can figure things out for themselves.
A key issue you seem to have here is that everything is one big paragraph and not only does that make it difficult to read, it ruins the flow of the piece entirely. Below, I'm going to try and separate it out for you a little.
I began to correct your grammar so hopefully you can see the way you should be moving forward with this. You also need to be careful with your tenses as you seem to switch between past and present often. Make sure that you proofread your work to avoid these mistakes. I would also suggest you research the rules of speech. Your character may be speaking in a dream but they still need to conform to these rules in some way.
It's always a good suggestion to read your work aloud before you post because it really helps you to assess the flow of the work and where you need to make amendments.
I hope this has helped you and look forward to seeing more of your work on the site. Feel free to contact me if you want any further clarification on points that I've made.
Icy
Hi Rodger, and welcome to YWS! Glad to see that you're already posting something.
I think the commenter below me is a little out of line since they have not provided you with any constructive notes to fix what issues they noticed in your work. I hope that this first comment on your first work ever posted to YWS will not deter you posting more or even writing more. I think that this story definitely has some potential.
The whole dream sequence is truly a cliche in the writer's world. However, that is not to say that you should not write something like this. It just means that you have to make it personal and original to you! I think that the premise of the dream is also fairly overused, but that you could justify such cliches by providing a little more to the story. Perhaps expand the story a bit and the characters into a narrative, so that we have some backstory. Maybe you could twist the words "Just a dream" so that what is the dream is actually more ambiguous. Is the entire thing a dream? I recommend not, but maybe the second marriage, or maybe it isn't at all just a dream? I think this could develop in to something very similar to Inception, if you are familiar with the premise of that movie. (If not, I recommend it! It's certainly intellectually stimulating.)
One thing that could really help you deliver your story is proofreading before posting. There are times where you seem to slip up on grammar, creating run-on sentences, fragmented sentences, comma splices, and so on. However, even if you are not familiar with these technical terms, you can easily fix your grammar by simply reading your story out loud to yourself. You'll find that you'll break automatically at certain parts, which mark places where you should include a comma or a period. If you would like more assistance with the grammar, let me know and I would be happy to be of more detailed help.
Overall, I do think there is a lot of potential for this story because of the many directions you could choose to take it. I encourage you to work hard at this and you could create a really lovely piece of writing!
All the best,
Lavvie
Thanks for the review.
Unrealistic story. No correct plot. Grammar could use some work. Uninteresting story.