Gone

Hello Rodger,

I think this short story is pretty good, with a strong connection to the narrator's thoughts and feelings.

I'm usually not a fan of romantic pieces but am easily
susceptible to change...

I feel like the intention of the story runs on a basic purpose of abstract pain and suffering about a person leaving the narrator. The idea of him being heartbroken is very obvious and works well with the unspecified backgrounds of this character. Not alot of irrelevant information is said and it gets straight to the point - which I like.

But now it's time for the constructive criticisms of the piece...

In future, I would fully recommend using a spell checker or even scanning it yourself to outline the repetitive mistakes between the words 'the' and 'there'. I found at times for this to be incredibly frustrating as grammar and punctuation really does affect my overall opinion on pieces of work.

Alot of words are capitalized for some reason, I myself had a tendency to capitalize common nouns that weren't necessary when I was younger and completely understand the habit of doing it - but words like 'move' and 'failure' should be pretty easy to figure out.

Other than the prominent grammar headaches, I believe the repetition used for certain phrases gives the character a reason to be talking in such a disconsolate tone and seems to be unchangeable. E.G 'the day you left' 'ever since you left'

Relations to 'trains' and 'tattoos' seem forced and ruin the persistent feelings of sadness because the imagery of these objects are not connected with the overall themes.This is just a slight criticism and is only down to preference - I personally wouldn't mention any of these in relation to each other.

Literary devices such as similes would be incredibly powerful had you included them in your work - maybe one about the feeling of betrayal, as long as you don't use them in higher quantities and make the overall flow of the writing feel laboured, it would be a good bonus.

Other than those points, I thought the piece was enjoyable to read and hopefully by taking on board any of the points said by me or any other reviewers, the next piece of writing will be even better

Please contact me if you would like to speak about the review or anything else in general
PenmanshipPriority

Hello, Id like to start with I really liked this, because it's something I personally can relate to. I like how vivid it was, and how anyone that has lost their love or even a friend would be able to feel the feelings described in this.

Ok now to the real review. The first thing I want to say is I think it started off strong, and ended strong, but there are some things in the middle part that needs some work. Of course if you want to this is your piece after all.

" but l guess it’s true what they say that love is blind" Maybe take out that? Also " You don’t see the warnings that you are walking into a Pit hole until it’s too late." I don't think this sentence runs well together. Maybe change your wording, or make it simple by just saying "You don't see the warning until it's too late."

" But every time l asks Why Is Love So Painful?" Ask*

" not to talk of eliminating the Suffering." Maybe take out?

" the must be a thin line between; Love and hate, success and Failure, Life and Death. " There*

"I’m unable to forget you, your face is tattooed into my Mind your name is always on the edge of my tongue, your voice in my ears, Everywhere l go I can’t seem to forget you, everywhere l look l see you. Ever Since You LEFT" I just really liked this good job.

Ok one more thing I like how you use "the day you left" in it a lot like a reminder that the only reason this is happening is because that person left. It's sad and poetic, and I like it.

Anyways like the pervious reviews said this was good it just needs some minor fixes. I hope to read more from you. Good luck.

Hey. This is a really nice short story. It's very vivid and passionate - I like how the story is basically the narrator's thoughts, as it really allows the reader to understand what he's going through. I also like the first line because it sets the mood perfectly for the rest of the short story.

I think that in some places your attempts at making it vivid are a bit too exaggerated: "it feels like you have been run over by a train, only a 100 times more" - this sounds a bit too forced and strange, especially because of the fact that trains are not really related to the theme of love and betrayal in this story. I think you could have improved this by using a simile to do with something related to love/betrayal (for example, "I feel like I'm drowning in despair") because even though this may be a bit overused at least it matches the mood you're trying to send across.

Also, I think that near the end of the story it starts to sound like the narrator is losing his mind - which is fine and good, but I think it would have been better if you actually expanded on that, because it would have been interesting to see how he loses his mind after having his heart broken.

Overall, a very good piece which only needs minor improvements.

Hi Rodger! What a sad piece, and I feel it really describes being heartbroken! Good job.
Now there are a few nitpicks...

"a day where l would feel as if the is nothing to live for." I will point out a few sentences that have this problem, just minor typos. You have forgotten to write "there" and accidentally wrote "the."

"Ever since you walked out on me l been endured unimaginable pain." I think a better way to say this would be "Ever since you walked out on me l have been endured in unimaginable pain." But you can write it any way you'd like.

"But every time l asks Why Is Love So Painful?" Another nitpick would be "asks" and can be replaced with "asked" but I also got confused with this sentence because the phrasing is a bit off, the character is asking a question but it should be "but every time I asked, why is love so painful" and then it means someone would have to answer that question, but no one does. So it would sound better if you make a different sentence out of that. Also, no need for capitals on "why is love so painful."

"l saw love and Loyalty but all l see now are Pain, Anger and Betrayal." You can replace "are" with "is" another comma after anger and once again, no need for capitalization.


"the must be a thin line between" "the" with "there."


"Love and hate, success and Failure, Life and Death." No need for the capitalization.

"into my Mind" no need for capitalization.

"Everywhere l go I can’t seem to forget you." "Everywhere" does not need to be capitalized

"Ever Since You LEFT" I don't know if you want to change this, it's in bold letters so you probably like how it looks so you can keep it how it is if you like

"now I’m dying slowly I can’t be saved," you can say "now I'm dying slowly, I can't be saved," or "now I'm dying slowly and I can't be saved," whichever you like...

"No one can understand the pain the pain l feel," delete one of "the pains."

"the first image I see is of you face," can be made to look like this "the first image I see is of your face."

"I believed that the foundation of our love was unbreakable I realized l was wrong." you can add a comma before the "unbreakable"

"Days Move like weeks," no need for capitalization.

"I’m Terrified to forger," terrified does not need to be capitalized, I think that "forger" should have been "forget."

And that's it! I know the review may seem long but I was just naming out all of the nitpicks that you can fix by editing them! Other than that, good job. I can really imagine someone utterly heartbroken while reading this! So just fix all the other stuff and it will be all good.
-Laurenlovely<3