Young Writers Society

this is a very meaningful piece. words hold a lot of power.

diversity should be celebrated & this is a perfect representation of that. it questions why we treat people poorly just because they are different from others, which is a real world issue. the world is very rich in culture & uniqueness, but most societies will stay within their own little bubble. your article highlights a need for empathy & understanding, but also staying true to yourself.

some of that meaning is lost though. youve made some brilliant points, but you dont add onto them. its like building a house, but forgetting all of the inside walls. supporting your claims with specific real-life examples & experiences could also boost this. when in doubt, provide more context. there is such thing as too much context, but id suggest having more than not enough.

id consider trying to add more engagement with your readers. you have a very heartfelt article here, but its lacking actual heart. perhaps you could add suggestions or solutions for addressing these problems youve mentioned. anything that could make it more all-encompassing.

envy

Hello! For starters, I LOVE the message behind this. If more of us cared about the message behind this essay than some of the questions that you have asked, the world may be better off. With that said, I hope you're hungry because here comes a review Oreo!

For starters, I'll talk about what I like about this or the first cookie. As I said, the message behind this is amazing. You're essentially asking the reader to question why they may care about what is trivial. In comparing the atrocities of the world, there is a lot that is trivial that we focus so much of our time on arguing, hating each other, judging others, etc. I second, no third, this notion! Say it louder for those in the back!! You have directly lined out specific questions to allow for reflection on what we target as important versus what should ultimately be important. Bravo for that!

For the cream or things you can do to improve, you have some grammatical things going on. In the first question, it should be "treat each other badly" rather than "bad." The third question should be "when will we stop looking at things from narrow angle" should probably be "angles" for it to make sense. Also, the use of question marks and periods isn't necessary. Each question should simply end with a question mark. The phrase "like they are a outcast" sounds better as "feel like they are outcasts." Additionally, in that same sentence, there should be a "the" before "same", and the sentence should end with a question mark. Creator should be capitalized, with a comma before "and" in that sentence and "each of us a unique" should be "each of us is unique." You are missing some commas in the sentence "discriminated against based on their sexual... etc." with it being "sexual, political, religious values and beliefs. The sentence "why do we try to make people" should end with "as yours" rather than "with yours." "Diseses" is spelled incorrectly with it being spelled "diseases." You have a word incorrectly capitalized "as." You need a comma before "or" in the "eat or dress" sentence and a comma after "way" within that same sentence. You need a comma after "people," "love, "eat," in the sentence "as people we don't." It sounds better to be "those decisions" rather than "those decision." Consequently, you do not need a comma after the word "do" on the sentence "or play football because..", but you do need the word "choices" rather than "choses." You need a comma after "world" in the sentence: "in this world, we live...". Lastly, you need "us" rather than "as" in the last sentence.

I'll end with another cookie or what I like about this. I find this message directly impactful to today's time and day. With the politics, etc. of the world, we are all divided and on edge, eager to be combative with each other. Really, we have a lot more in common than not. With these questions to keep us grounded, we must realize that we are not at liberty to judge others. For those without sin, may cast the first stone. Or, if you point fingers, you have more pointing back at you than pointing at others. Keeping this in perspective allows us to be humble. I appreciate this essay very much.

Wishing you well wherever you are in the world. With love, ♡a