Here is my story I had to write for english- what do you guys think? :)
The Stone of Wishes
Lydia was walking on the white cracked sidewalk as the cool fall breeze caressed her cheek. Her auburn hair kept blowing in her face, reminding her that she needed to get more bobby pins. At this time though, her main concerns were not on bobby pins, but on the eventful day she had at school. She let out a soft sigh and a sniffle. She lost her two best friends.
The situation had started off small, but seemed to escalate until it got to the breaking point-and that was today. Her friends seemed to push her away little by little, and at this point it had become very apparent and felt like that is needed to be addressed. The result was Lydia deciding that she needed some new friends. Friends that did not make her feel like the friendship was a competition. She was so done with it.
She walked up the old weathered brick steps that led into her front door. She tossed her backpack aside, and made her way up the stairs toward her room. She was stomping inadvertently, and heard a shout from her mom. “Are you okay Lydia? How was your day?” Lydia quickly let out “It was fine.” before the tears would appear. Her attempts were unsuccessful as the first warm tear rolled down her cheek a few feet in front her door. She flung herself onto her bed and started to sob. She could not believe how her friends had turned out. She did everything with them. Laughed, cried, and did everything she could to help them when they needed her. Everything had been great until the friendship started to turn.
She finally sat up and wiped away the tears. A newly found anger struck her suddenly. Why would her friends do this to her? She did everything she could to be a great friends, and they could not do the same. She needed to find some new friends fast. Show them who could be easily replaced!
Walking to school the next day was hard. She was gazing at the sidewalk and she slowly went along and saw something gleaming from the fresh wet grass next to her. She slowly approached what looked like a stone, and picked it up. It was pretty small, and had different red and orange hues swirled through out it. It had a glossy finish, and something engraved on it. She peered closer at it to try and decipher the etchings. It seemed to be in a different language. Her curiosity consumed her. She quickly pocketed the son and started to jog. If she did not hurry, she would be late to school.
After slamming her locker door, she headed to homeroom and took a seat. The stone had intrigued her so much that she forgot about her friends. She took out the stone and tried to figure out what the etchings had said.
“Whats that you got there Lydia?” asked Macy.
Macy was one of the smartest girls in the grade. Lydia knew if anyone could read what was on the stone, it would be her.
“A weird stone I found on the way to school. There is writing on there that I can’t understand! Do you think you could give it a shot?”
“I think so,” Macy replied, “Let me see it.”
Lydia handed her the stone as her excitement grew.
“It’s Latin.” she said matter o’ factly. “It says, ‘Thou who shall change fate, be forewarned, you have three wishes, choose wisely, or your life will be mourned.”
Macy handed back to Lydia who was puzzled by what was on the rock.
“Is that really what is says?” she asked.
“I only read what it said, and trust me, I’m getting and 100 in Latin class!” Macy said smugly, and the returned to the book she was reading.
Lydia rolled the stone between her hands for a minute, and wondered what the message had meant. “It is probably just some nonsense.” she sighed, and placed the stone back into her pocket. After all, it was a pretty cool looking stone. Lydia pulled out her own book and started to read until the bell had sounded.
The day had actually turned out fine until lunchtime. Her old friends sat down at their usual table, and gave her a look as she walked by. Lydia was overwhelmed by the surrounding tables full of kids with their ‘clicks’, and not one table looked very inviting. Everyone was settled, and she felt like a fish out of water. She decided to sit with a table full of girls.
“Can I sit here?” she asked nervously.
“Well,” replied a girl with red hair to whom Lydia could not remember her name, “It’s already really crowded here, sorry.”
It was very obvious that they did not want her to sit there. She tuned and sighed. It seemed like she would never be able to find new friends. ‘I wish that people wanted me to sit at their table.’ she thought. Walking away to the library to have lunch alone, she was paused by a shout.
“Hey Lydia, do you want to sit with us?” It was Trish from her bio class.
“No way, she wanted to sit with us, we made room!” yelled the girl with red hair.
“She probably wants to sit with us, not you guys!” yelled another girl.
There seemed to be an uproar of people volunteering and telling her to sit at their table. She was shocked. Suddenly her heart skipped a beat. She remembered the stone, and what it had said. Everything clicked in her mind. It had appeared that her wish had come true. She had no idea what to do. People were urging her on to sit at their table. She was cared to pick a table, and upset the others.
“Thanks a bunch guys, but I think I will eat lunch alone.” she said, and quickly made her way to the library.
“But,” said Trisha.
“Look, you scared her off!” said another.
Now they were fighting over who had made her go away. Lydia ran to the library to escape the madness and regroup. She placed down her lunch tray and took the stone out of her pocket. It was strongly pretty warm. Shaking with disbelief, she realized the power in her hand.
“I could wish for anything!” she said softly to herself. She had no idea what to wish for next.
She paced around for a few minutes and came up with nothing.
“I wish I knew what to wish for!” she cried in frustration. She immediately regretted it as soon as she said it. She wasted her second wish. On the bright side, she did suddenly think of what to wish for! ‘I wish that I was famous.’ she thought hard. She figured that nothing could go wrong. She would have tons of friends, and so what if she lost a friend or two, she would have plenty more! Little did she know that her wish did come true, but not in the way she expected…
10 years later…
Her wish did not happen as quick as the others, but it did come true. From that day on, Lydia’s personality changed. As she got older, her behavior got worse and worse. Her grades slipped, and she even had to earn some time in juvie. She got out, and got married. In the end of the marriage she decided to kill her husband gruesomely just for the life insurance money. After she was put to trial, it was decided that she was put to death. Her name was in newspapers, on the news, everywhere! She was famous, but not in the way she had hoped. After 15 years she made her last wish, she was put to death. She learned how the stone had granted her wish a few weeks before her execution, and was angry with herself for the stupid choice she had made. The stone’s prediction had come true. Her final wish, that would never be granted was this: ‘I wish that I was careful or what I wished for.’
The lever was pulled, and that was the end to Lydia. The stone had been taken along with the rest of her belongings and was put in evidence. It played in peace, safe from others until one day a officer came upon it, was very curious.
To Be Continued…
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Hey Chrissy, backroads here to review as promised!
adds to he cheesy feel. Maybe instead of getting and 100, Marcy's been studying latin for three/ four years? Something a little more descriptive/ original than a grade.You have a really cool concept here, and I like the twist at the end! The detail is quite vivid- all in all a great job for the amount of time you had to write this!
First, the whole bit with Marcy feels a little cheesy. You have Lydia hand off the stone to her, but for all she knows, Marcy didn't study the right language. I would add a little more detail to Marcy's character. Maybe Lydia knew that Marcy wanted to be a linguist, and sought her out before lunch/ during study hall or something. Otherwise, have Lydia recognize the language. Make her comment on how it looked like latin, (maybe she studied it, or she recognized a few words from more common phrases- like the declension of 'vita,' which means life). And Marcy's comment
Also, there feels to be lapses in your plot. What exactly is going on with her friends? After she gets the stone, Lydia seems to forget about them. And the wish for people wanting her to sit with them- is that for every lunch/ group table?
Finally, as much as I like the twist at the end, I would like to see the plot a little more contained. Maybe Lydia becomes famous/ popular because everyone thinks she killed the friends mentioned at the beginning (or maybe she actually did kill them??) This last one in particular is more of a personal preference thing and by no means would I expect you to totally rewrite the end of your short. I'm just saying that I think you could really play around with the idea of a contained plot and come up with some even bigger plot twists.
Hope some of this was helpful!
-backroadstraveler
Hi! My name's PotatoCat, and I'm here to write a review!(Duh, right?) Well, overall, I liked your story! I loved the twist at the end, and I like how you had an obvious moral without it being too preachy. Now, to some of things that I wasn't too pleased about. Firstly, the dialogue isn't the best. Like how it says, "Thanks a bunch guys, but I think I will eat lunch alone" This might be a nitpick, but kids generally say contractions instead of the full thing, unless they're trying to be formal. Next time, maybe you could say, "Thanks a bunch guys, but I think I'll eat lunch by myself." Also, the grammar's a bit off, but I've seen a lot worse. All in all, I'd give it a 7/10. I hope this helps,
Potato
thanks!
You're welcome. =3
Hai Chrissy, PerfectWeapon here for a review!
One of the things I noticed, is that you made a lot of grammatical errors. You said you wrote this in English, so before you shared it on here, take a quick look over it. It can make a heck of a difference. Trust me.
If you type this in that short amount of time, you make it kind of blurry. Details were amazing though! I enjoyed reading it, and I like the idea behind it. I wrote a story like this for year 7. Ms. Fritz was my teacher and I wrote a story about being careful what you wish for, because well. I believe you understand.
Thank you for the story, I hope you post more soon.
Like birds whose wings are broken
You live with out direction
~PerfectWeapon
Thanks Eva! I did have to type it fast though because I only had one night, plus a whole bunch of other HW!
Hi, Crissy! It's my first time to read one of your writings and review it!
I really liked the title, Crissy. It's simple but it does attract you and give an idea of what the story could be about. The plot is good,too..I liked how you turned her wish, in my word, "upside down". The story has a very useful and important moral, not only for Lydia, but also for us. The "to be continued" part gets a like, too.
When I started reading it, it reminded me of a part of my life. Only the difference is Lydia is ditched here and in real life, I am the "ditcher"...
I think, you typed the story in a hurry. That's why there are some mistakes. Don't do this. It creates a bad feeling in the readers. You must remember , slow and steady wins the race!
This is all I would say....
I did have to type it fast though because I only had one night, plus a whole bunch of other HW! Thanks so much for the review Taha! <3
It's a good thing that you got to type...I can't even do that. Furnishing about 7 plots, but not getting time to write them
Hey!
)
Nice spin on a traditional concept. The twist at the end made it more different and interesting than any other "magic stone" thread I've heard before. Your first paragraph, I think, had the best prose and really caught my eye with descriptive details and verb choices. Good job with that.
Small suggestions:
- there are some paragraphs where you seem to be using the same words over and over again, which gets in the way of sentence flow. You may wanna try rephrasing your sentences or looking up synonyms. Normally I find that after finishing a paragraph and rereading it will catch anything like that.
- details in the story development: (I might have missed this, so bear with me) some details in the plot which would have added depth to the story (I thought) were missing. Like when you were describing how her friends had distanced themselves from her, but didn't tell the reader much about how it happened or its history.
Anyways, I like what you've done with this piece, cool stuff.
(This is also my very first review, so please be patient with me if I've missed something!
Yay! Thanks for the review! Happy my story was you first.
Thanks for the review, it was really good. <3