My Brother

Hai Chrissy, this is PerfectWeapon Here! So I like the thought of this story, however I think you could revise it some. So I understand you wrote it in a very short time, however before I posted it, I would have reviewed it a little more. The reason I say this is because, you did not describe as much as I think you could have.

First of, I did NOT know Sammy was a girl at first I was slightly confused later in the story, so try to add a little more detail please. I thought totally different after realizing she was a well a she!

Next, were did that cliff come from?!?! All of a sudden there was a cliff from which Danny was hanging! Why did you need a cliff?!?! Could he have just fallen into spikes and died? ( I am joking) But why did the cliff ya'know pop up?

OK, so next let's talk about grammar and spelling checks!

In the first line you said "Be nice" my after said." After caught me for a second, but I quickly realized it was supposed to be "father."

Next you said " Here we were" It would be much better if you said "Here we are" That's ok though.

Then you say how he was running, you yell something at him. However, is he still running, or not? I do not see were it said he stopped or if he kept going. (Simple mistake though)

Then you used "eve" was that supposed to happen? I think you meant to say ever?

I was wondering if nusense was spelt wrong, so I checked, it is. It is really spelt Nuisance.

I like the basic characters, and the idea of the story. Trust me, I have 5 younger brothers and sisters, sometimes I WISH i could push, but then the consequences! (lol) I like the thought of the story, and the idea of the characters, but maybe plan a little more before doing a post. But over all, it is good for a 50 minute story!


PErfectWeapon

I think your story is good but you have some errors. One thing you need to fix is in the first sentence i figured out you meant to say father so that needs to be corrected. Also at the part where it says but may brother it is supposed to be my. In the fifth paragraph you should explain why Danny made the dad feel like a mess. In paragraph six you need to fix scrounge to scourge.Also in the part where it says mu brother helped me get the wood it is supposed to be my. When it says slow down I yell change it to yelled. In paragraph nine you need to fix the phrase I am taken back you should say I have taken that back in an instant. You should also tell the name of the sisters name in the beginning instead of this late in the story. After that change my did its my dad and after that change an open aren to an open ear.

Hi Chrissy!
There were a few things that could have been improved on in your story.

First of all, telling the reader that your main character is a girl sooner may have helped the reader understand her later on. At first, I thought that Sammy was a boy and it confused me a bit when he was called the "mother". If I had known she was a girl it could have helped me understand her feelings better as a motherless daughter. I'm not sure if it was intentional to not mention her gender until later, but it distracted me from the story and the character. It altered my perspective on Sammy after thinking that she was a boy the whole time.

Second, the cliff scene kind of came out of nowhere. Even though this is a common cliché scene, I think it could have been improved by mentioning the existence of the cliff beforehand-- not after Danny was already hanging on it. Also, I think the reader would like to know if Sammy pushed Danny as a reflex or out of anger.

Lastly, I believe that the conclusion was rushed. Although it was fine for a 50 minute writing period, getting rid of the last two sentences would definitely improve it ( they seem rushed and unnecessary).

Overall, I loved the plot of your story and how you included so many emotions from each and every character. I can't wait for you to publish more works. Keep writing!

Hey, Chrissy here for a review!

Well, lets see what I can find...

"Be nice" my after said.

All he did was annoy me, an be mean to me

All he does is annoy me, and be mean

accident.I hate the outdoors,

Here we were,

but may brother

"Look" I start "I did not mean to yell Danny,

He is going to get hurt, and I am going to get in trouble I think to myself.

I chased him until I caught up to him.

"When I tell you something important like that you listen to me!" I yell at him angrily

eve

Hey CHRISSY!!

Great job in getting into the Literary Spotlight!!

I also agree with Rose and Click!!

So, I just think you shouldn't post anything unless you have checked over it. YWS is for reviews...not edits. But, anyway, I like the basic storyline and characters. I also think the extra exclamation points and caps were unnecessary. Anyway, I think you could have drawn this out more than you did. But, nonetheless, I do like it.

Anyway, good job. You should check your spelling and grammar before you post it....you misspelled many things. I am not going to go through saying them because Rose and Click already did.

Anyway, good job. Its not perfect, but it will do. Remember: you aren't an expert, so, there are still many more things to fix.

Keep writing!!,
~Tiff

First of all I really liked your story!!! I have questions about a few things. Also there a few corrections.

"Be nice" my after said. (QUICK QUESTION IS THAT SUPPOSED TO SAY MY AFTER SAID?) "After all he is your brother." I just rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him. Danny was a eight year old nusense. All he did was annoy me, an be mean to me- yet I am the one who gets in trouble. (I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THIS LAST SENTENCE SO IF YOU COULD MAKE IT A LITTLE CLEARER.)

We were in the car for the third hour - with only three more to go! Yay- not! I was ready to pull over and get out two hours and fifty-nine minutes ago. (I REALLY LIKED THIS SENTENCE I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY GOOD.) The campsite we were going to was very far from where we lived. My father had decided to cheer us up this summer- for we had a really bad year. My mom was in a tragic accident, and did not make it off the table. (I DID NOT UNDER STAND DID NOT MAKE IT OFF THE TABLE IS SAYING?) We were all distraught, and my dad thought it would be a great chance to do some family bonding, since the accident.I hate the outdoors, so you can see the argument before we left. Here we were, driving and 'bonding'. Fun. (HONESTLY I REALLY DID NOT LIKE THIS PARAGRAPH AND YOU COULDA HAVE EXPLAINED IT A LITTLE BETTER YOU KNOW LIKE WITH DETAIL.)

Three hours later we had made it. It was a giant camp ground, abundant with pine trees. You could smell it in the air. (I REALLY LIKED IT RIGHT HERE WHERE YOU GAVE ME DETAILS.) I would have taken another deep breath, but may brother was jabbing me in the ribs with his finger. "What do you want!?" I snapped at him. His head drooped down as his lip began to quiver. My dad gave me a warning look, and I took the hint. I crouched down to get eye level with with my brother's bright blue gaze.

"Look" I start "I did not mean to yell Danny, it is ok Danny."

He gives me a slight nod, and slowly walks away. He has been like this ever since my mom died. He makes my father seem like a mess. My father was a wreck. his hair always disarrayed, his eyes bloodshot, the stubble that always covered his face, but the worst- the sobbing at night. I knew that the night my mom died, a part of him died as well. Only about two months ago did he come out of his slump, and tried the best he could to help us. I give him credit though- it is pretty hard to console a sixteen year old and a eight year old. We were all a mess, but we pulled through. (I REALLY DID LIKE THIS PARAGRAPH YOU DID GIVE PLENTY OF DETAIL. ALSO I LIKED IT HOW YOU ARE EXPLAINING HOW EVERYONES LIFE HAS BEEN SINCE THEIR MOM HAS PASSED. ALSO THERE WAS SOME CAPITULATION ISSUE AND SPACING ISSUES, BUT I FIXED THEM IN MY REVIEW.)

Here we were 'bonding' in the woods as we set up the camp ground. Danny was helping my dad pitch the tent, and I was left to scrounge for some decent fire wood. When the tent was done, my (I THINK IT IS SUPPOSED TO SAY MY INSTEAD OD MU SO I FIXED IT IN MY REVIEW.) brother helped me find some wood. We were not too bad at it. We had gone camping once before a year or two ago. It was fun when my mom was there. Danny was starting to get ahead of me."Slow down!" I yell, but he speeds up. "Danny!" I exclaimed, but he ignored me. He is going to get hurt, and I am going to get in trouble I think to myself. I chased him until I caught up to him. (I REALLY LIKED IT HERE HOW YOUR MAIN CHARACTER IS WORRIED ABOUT HER BROTHER EVEN THOUGH HE/SHE HATES HIM.)

"When I tell you something important like that you listen to me!" I yell at him angrily

"You are not my mom!" he yell back at me.

(I REALLY DID LIKE THIS PART BECAUSE MY OWN BROTHER TELLS ME THAT ALL THE TIME.)

I am taken back, with tear swelling up, going down my face. "Never say anything like that to me! I hate you!" I yell. Before I can stop my self, I give Danny a hard shove. His yelp quickly turns into a horror filled scream as he begins to fall. My heart stops as I only just the realize were by a cliff. Danny was was holding on tho the side of the cliff, dangling over, with tones of sharp rocks to greet him at the bottom. (I DID NOT EXACTLY LIKE THIS PART BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT YOU PUT AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY IN THE FACE OF DEATH.)

"Danny!!!" I scream with terror. I scramble to the side and grab his arms. "Hold on to me!" I yell.

"I can't!" he cries. "I am scared!"

"I will never let anything happen to you- trust me!" I assure him.

Only does he then quickly grab my wrists as I hoist him up. We are both sobbing, intertwined in each other's arms.

"Danny," I start, between sobs, "I did not mean anything that I said! I love you! I should have been a better sister!"

"I love you too Sammy!" He replies.

(I LIKED THIS PART BECAUSE OF HOW THE SISTER LOVES HER BROTHER SO MUCH SHE IS WILLING TO RISK HER LIFE TO ALSO SAVE HER BOTHER AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS VERY SWEET.)

My dad (I THINK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO SAY DAD INSTEAD OF DID SO I CHANGED IT IN MY REVIEW.) is running through the brush, with open aren. I have not seen the look on his face since he got the news about my mom. He knew something had happened. It was our turn to explain.

We both told him what had happened, when we stopped crying. We gave each other hugs as we decided to leave. We were heading back to the car as we were trying to decide where to go. Our minds were blank as we drove until we passed a water park. We all give a smile and decide that the water park would be it. We had a week of family fun- for real this time, and we stayed in a cool hotel my dad got for a great price. It was so much fun, and I loved every minute! (I LOVED THIS PART BECAUSE AFTER ONE BAD PART YOU CAN END UP LOVING SOMEONE FOREVER.)

I guess I really do love my brother- no matter how annoying he gets. Ever since that trip out family was the closest it had ever (RIGHT HERE I THINK IT IS SUPPOSED TO SAY EVER INSTEAD OF EVE SO I FIXED IT IN MY REVIEW) been since my mom passed. My brother had changed, and I am glad. I love my brother! (I LOVED THIS PART BECAUSE LIKE I SAID BEFORE BECAUSE AFTER ONE BAD PART YOU CAN END UP LOVING SOMEONE FOREVER.)

I really did love your story and I think you should write more of everything. In case you could not tell I CAPITALIZED all my comments.

Keep On Writing!!!

~Rose

Hey Chrissy! Clickdun here :3 Let's talk about your story...

Lesh get the nipicks out of the way.

nusense

were

This is supposed to be We're. Add the apostrophe to signify a word that is two words combined (I can't remember what it's called for the light of day.)

my after said

with open aren.

I'm honestly not sure what either of these sentences mean, the first looks like it's referring to her little brother, but why can't she just say: My little brother said.

Out of those, a bit more into the narrative:

I was ready to pull over and get out two hours and fifty-nine minutes ago

Why so exact a number? Why can't she just say three hours ago? It pulls the reader away from the story, and can be distracting.

"Never say anything like that to me! I hate you!"