Hey, I wrote this story in the 6th grade, and I think it came out great! Please enjoy, and comment!
"I had a horrible day at-"I started to say, but of course my 10 year old sister had to interrupt.I started to look up at her to tell her to shut up, but my mother gave me a warning look- so I knew better. I do not know why I am so surprised, this is the life I have been living forever.I just feel so mad when my siblings interrupt, but of course this happens often because I have 6 other siblings,- which means 6 or more interruptions every day! (That is if I am lucky) Of course I am not important! I am the 12 year old middle child. Like I said, this is my everyday life. I never realized that one day I would miss this life more than you could ever imagine........
I was walking home with my 3 older sisters when something caught my eye. Something shiny was sticking out of the ground out from some freshly dug up earth,I wondered what it was. My oldest sister Janie saw me starring and the mysterious object when she questioned " What you looking at squirt?" I quickly stopped looking and thought fast, "Oh, uh nothing, just saw a squirrel...." I replied with a uncertainty. I did not think she caught me. At this time all three of my sisters were taking glances at me.Janie my 18 year old sister had a unsure look on her face. My 16 year old sister Ruby glanced at me with interest.My 14 year old sister Lily just looked confused by the whole thing, (Which was not weird, this was one of the expressions that were on her face quiet often.)By this time I knew for sure that I had to find out what that peculiar object was!I ran swiftly- the only thing I could do best- and I snatched the object from the ground. I examined it with interest when Ruby tried to take it from me. "I found it so BACK OFF!" I exclaimed. Only then did she let go.I rubbed of some of the dirt off the surface of what seemed to be a lamp when a mist started to swirl around me. The mist engulfed me. In the mist, a Genie appeared!I stood there, frozen in fear of the unknown. The Genie glanced her yes upon me and bellowed in her loud voice "Master, you rubbed my lamp, you may have one wish- go!" The Genie was wearing a gold and blue robe with a metallic sash to hold it closed. She was so bright, it was like looking directly at the sun!
My sisters and I looked upon the Genie flabbergasted!The Genie looked at me and said "You in the purple shirt and blue jeans, you set me free, you get to make the wish." Only then did my terrible idea of a wish come barreling out of my mouth. "I wish I were an only child!" I regretted the wish before I could take it back. It was no use! The damage was done! "Your wish is my command!" bellowed the Genie. These we her last words as she disappeared into the air, and was gone.
My sisters stared at me with wide eye and gaping mouths. The pure surprise on the faces was clear. We all stood there in silence for 20 minutes.Strangley nothing happened. Janie looked at me and smirked."Looks like your Genie was a fraud squirt!" she cried with glee.Little did she know that the Genie was dead serious.......
The wish came true the next morning. It started when I woke up for school. I walk groggily into Janie's bedroom to wake her up. I turned her light on but she did not move. That's weird I thought, she always wakes up when I turn on her light.I went to her bed. "Wake up!" I moaned as I shook her arm to try and wake her up. I was startled when I touched her arm, and it was ice cold. I shook her over and over again but she did not stir. "WAKE UP JANIE!" I cried. When she did not get up I raced to to my other brothers' and sisters' rooms, but they were the same. Ice cold, and never awakening.With tears streaming down my face, I ran to my parent's room to wake them up. I was relieved when they sat up and gave me a tired look. "Mom, Dad," I cried " Janie, Ruby, Lily, Max and the others will not wake up!" My parents exchanged panicked looks at each other and ran out if the room. They came back about 5 minutes later, with tear running down their faces. "Cindy," They started, "They are dead!"
It all seemed unreal when the police came and took the bodies of my siblings. When they left, I thought that my brothers and sisters dying was the horrifying thing that was going to happen from my wish, but the horror had only just begun.
It began that night, when I was sleeping. I woke up as soon as I heard my door creak open. I nearly fainted and what I saw coming in my room.Janie came in first, followed by my other dead siblings. They circled and formed a ghastly mist as they spun around my bed . "BE CARFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!" They chanted. I tried to scream, but no sound came out of my mouth. I was paralyzed with fear. Then everything went dark.
That was the end of me. I became a only child alright, but in a dark universe, never to see anyone, or to return to earth, ever again. I am a cautionary tale. Please heed my warning. If you ever, have to make a wish, remember......
BE CARFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!!!!!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
I think it is good but a few things. First make sure you space after your periods. In your story you can take out the parenthesis. In the second paragraph in the third to last sentence you put yes and it is supposed to be eyes. In paragraph 5 sentence 8 you put in i quote " I moaned as I shook her arm to try and wake her up." you should have put she moaned as i shook her arm. In paragraph 5 you should say the name of the main character in the beginning or sooner. The rest is great good job.
Wow, that certainly took a darker turn than expected. (Then again, I should've noticed the fact it was labeled as horror) First off, the main character was quickly characterized by their dislike for having so many siblings. The siblings themselves I saw were characterized as more of a collective character than each of their own individual selves. From the beginning, I could see where this story was going. But the entire time, I was expecting it to go on longer and the main character would eventually learn the error of their wish and make amends. But not with this story. Instead of the classic "poof, their gone", the siblings fate is actually more dark than that. An interesting twist on the classic "Be careful what you wish for" tale.
Thanks for the feedback!
Hey, CHRISSY321!
First of all, you have some spacing errors, all throughout your piece. You need a space after the first quotation mark, and after all those periods. And, the dash isn't needed. You could just replace it with a nice comma. If you want it, though, take out the space after it-which is optional. Also, write out the number ten, because then it looks nicer.
"I had a horrible day at-"I started to say, but of course my 10 year old sister had to interrupt.I started to look up at her to tell her to shut up, but my mother gave me a warning look- so I knew better."
Again, write out the numbers, and what's with that comma-dash combo? It isn't needed. Just take out the comma and you'll be fine. I will say to take out the space afte the dash, though. And, just to make it a bit smoother, take the parenthetical phrase and put it straigt after "day", no spaces or anything. The exclamation mark goes after it, if you were to do it like that. If you were, though, don't capitalized the first letter of the parenthetical phrase. Make it lowercase. That way, the following sentence isn't weird-or what I saw when I looked at it.
"I just feel so mad when my siblings interrupt, but of course this happens often because I have 6 other siblings,- which means 6 or more interruptions every day! (That is if I am lucky)"
The first sentence of what I copied and pasted right there does not fit where it is put. It belongs somewhere else. Keep it with the second sentence of this section and put it somewhere else, where it makes more sense. Or, add something else before it to make a smooth transition. Write out the number, and do it to whatever un-written-out number that follows, please. At the end of this paragraph, you have WAY too many ellipsis. You need only three for the reader to get your point.
"Of course I am not important! I am the 12 year old middle child. Like I said, this is my everyday life. I never realized that one day I would miss this life more than you could ever imagine........"
You misspelled "staring", fix that. Instead of the "and the" after "starring", make it "at the". Put a comma after questioned, and take out the space after the first quotation mark. And another comma after "uh". Again, one too many ellipsis, take out the last one. Finally, make the "a" before "uncertainty" go away.
"My oldest sister Janie saw me starring and the mysterious object when she questioned " What you looking at squirt?" I quickly stopped looking and thought fast, "Oh, uh nothing, just saw a squirrel...." I replied with a uncertainty."
First of all, you need a comma after "Janie". Second of all, write out eighteen. Third, make that "a" an "an". Wondering why? It's because if a word after "a" starts with a vowel, the "a" before it has to be "an".
"Janie my 18 year old sister had a unsure look on her face."
The comma before the parenthesis is not needed. Actually, the parenthesis itself is not needed. You could just make it a part of the sentence. If you need the parenthesis, though, put the period outside of them and a space after that. And, lastly (this one is optional), the exclamation mark at the end of this paragraph works just as well as a period.
"My 14 year old sister Lily just looked confused by the whole thing, (Which was not weird, this was one of the expressions that were on her face quiet often.)By this time I knew for sure that I had to find out what that peculiar object was!"
Well, by now, I think you know what to fix. Just read over it, following what I said to you in this review, and this work will come out just fine. The story was very surprising and nice, just some nitpicks. Nothing wrong with the plot; I loved this piece. Keep writing!
-wisegirl22
Thanks for the feedback!
You're very welcome!
I felt like there were some ups and downs to this work.
What I did like about it was the wish's outcome. I expected them to just disappear and erased from existance but you killed them off. How dark....and I liked it. It was different.
What you could do better is breaking up the paragraphs. The periods and comas also are not spaces between the fallowing word (I doubt this technical error was your fault though). Also I can tell that you were younger when you wrote this because for me it lacks emotion and it lacks some description. Some of it is well written. For example when the genie coming out of the lamp was great.
Then what I recommend for this is add more insight to her emotion. She's annoyed with her sibling, panicking and afraid when she finds them dead, and sad and regretful afterwards. What I would also suggest is since wishes are about what negative consequences could come write about the aftermath and how regretful she is. That is where the warning is most effective.
Finally, I think the sibling reactions to her wish was off. I would be hurt if my sibling wished that. Sure, saying she want to be an only child is okay in some situations but using wish where you could get anything else...I would be very hurt. Not saying it was her fault. I am saying their reactions were off.
Anyways thanks for reading my review. I bet your a better writer now. I find it surprising how much you can improve in a year. Happy holidays and Marry Christmas.
-Rebox275
Have a great day, and I really appreciate the feedback!
this was amazing, i loved it!!
Thanks!%u263A%uFE0F