Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
**Read the other parts first to understand the complex relationships**
It has been one long fucked up day. I don't really know where to start except for the fact that I went to recovery group Friday night, and I think I slept most of the day Saturday, I don't really remember, but I do know that Saturday night I went to Jenny's house for a minute, then I snuck away so I could hang out with Danny because he wanted to set me up with this asshole Brad- a story we'll get to later- of course Danny and I did a drug run, and then I pretended I had to go to work so that I could sneak away and head to Mason's house, which I only feel comfortable in if it's just me and him. I love the babies, but Brittany is a bitch, and her black friends are assholes. He doesn't pay them no mind, but he also doesn't notice that I get so uncomfortable, like the fuck? I played with the kiddos for most of the night, pretended like I knew what video game nonsense he was talking about was, and around 2 am I went home.
Also did I forget to mention I drove the Death Trap? That is what I am officially calling the Chevy Tracker. It isn't that bad to drive actually. Once it gets a speedometer, and brakes, and doesn't feel like it might stop at any moment on the freeway, I might actually like driving it.
After I went home Saturday night I took a nice long hot bath accompanied with bath bombs, bath salts, bubbles, music, hulu, and candles: oh yeah, I go all out for bubble baths because it is like the one thing I do a year for self-care. I also tried to shave my legs, which was a disaster. When I got out of the tub, I straightened my hair, put on clothes that made me feel sexy, put make up on and waked out the door around seven in the morning to head to Danny's because fucking Brad wanted to meet me. And, guess who was NOT at Danny's when I got there... Brad. He also wasn't at Bob Evans at one like he said he would be and he left me waiting from six in the evening to seven at Olive Garden all by myself. I have never felt so stupid or been humiliated in my life. To top it off, I was really excited because I low key had a huge crush on Brad when we were younger, and I wanted to see if that was still there.
I also feel like an idiot because Mason doesn't really know anything about this. I intentionally tried to cheat on him, so maybe being stood up is what I get. What I don't deserve is the fucking stress I feel from Mason and Danny continuously arguing with each other. I cannot believe Mason told Danny he would slit his throat ear to ear and drink his blood. He also said he was going to fold Danny into a pretzel and put salt on him to feed to all his bitches. Who says shit like that? And, what other bitches does Mason have?
Which comes to the part of I have heard Danny's side, and I have agreed with him so far because mason sounds fucking insane, and Mason won't talk to me. I told him I wanted to talk to him and he didn't want to talk even though he answered the phone when I called. He just was like I'm trying to watch a movie, and I was like well can you call me back when it's over, and he said yes but he hasn't and it's been two hours. Why is it so damn hard to get some attention and some answers from fucking boys? I mean I know that's the problem, I am dealing with boys and not men, but where are all the single men at?
Like, I purposefully created a Facebook account, which goes against all of my morals, just to talk to him tonight, and he's ignoring me like it's no big deal. What the fuck did I do? I told him specifically to not ever talk to Danny again, but he had to open his big fucking mouth and now he's mad at me b because I spent time with family? Listen, no one can fucking control who I spend time with, and for everyone's information Jesus spent time with the broken, not the perfect. I don't remember how the saying actually goes but the point is, Jesus didn't steer clear of the people who made bad mistakes even mistakes towards Him. I will never cut Danny out of my life no matter how many people ask me too, and I think it's selfish of them to even ask. If I had better self control, if I didn't crave to be of this world and not just in it, than I could say no and hang out and be normal. I use to do that you know? I use to hang out and not do drugs. The occasional drug run maybe, but I never needed to actually use them. Now, the more I try to stay away from them the more I feel like I need them.
Life is overwhelming, and when I told the leader of my recovery group that, she told me thats how life was and to suck it up. I don't know what I was looking for, but that wasn't it. I just want someone to comfort me. I want someone to comfort me the same way crack comforts my brain and heroine lulls me to sleep. I want someone to help me feel safe, brave, fearless the same way alcohol does, and I wish there was someone who could help me feel less anxious and more focused like a nice cigarette does. These dangerous substances are often the only thing I look forward to.
Reasons I won't go to Rehab:
Reason I won't go to the pyscward for suicidal thoughts, depression, and self harm:
I did this to myself. All this worry, anxiousness, grabbing ahold of anything that's not floating away feeling, I did it all. I put these stressful situations in my life. I ask for the drama, and I have no idea why.
So, I don't know why I sit in anguish. I am the only one who can fix any of this. I just don't want to because chaos is comfortable and familiar.
I went digging today. And, what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck?!? So, last night I kept trying to talk to Mason and it never worked. When I woke up today he said he had fallen asleep, and I said I still wanted to talk about yesterday. He felt distant last night and today, so I kind of fibbed and told him I heard that he was breaking up with me.
When I asked why, all he had to say was sorry. I said I didn't want an apology. I just wanted a reason. In my logical mind this was not happening, but it was. It unfolding before me and it felt as though I was watching from outside of my body. His three reasons were: I lied to him about smoking crack; he is moving to Kentucky, and he is still in love with Cheyenne- an old girlfriend, even though hes had lots of girlfriends between her and I.
I told him I never lied to him, but all the other reasons made sense. He never responded and I didn't expect him to. I just laid in bed deleting my relationship status on Facebook, deleting his pictures off of my Instagram, and slowly deleting all sixty-three pictures off my phone, and the memories hurt. I think my soul is now in shock, but it feels bruised, like if it gets touched I'm in searing pain. I didn't want to come to work today. I just wanted to lay there and pretend like my life was moving around me. I really did feel like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet, even though I probably could have seen a break up coming from a mile away, especially since he couldn't stop fighting with Danny.
I told his mom, because she's my friend. And, she go mad at me for bringing her into the middle of it again, but she did tell me he tried to get her to do it last night, and that's why she told us both she wanted out of it. I don't how our friendship will be affected, but I can't see it being a positive change.
So, I can't talk to her about it; I can't talk to Danny because he's not answering my text either, and I still feel like shit because of Brad. I think God is using all of this so that I can get closer to Him, but what a crap time. When I walked out the door to go to work, I picked up my mail, and in it was the present I got for Mason, just another stab in my life. I don't even think he's actually moving to Kentucky; I think he just wants me to leave him alone, and he doesn't know how to be assertive. He might have even been afraid to hurt, but I doubt he had that much compassion in him.
It's funny because the people who have comforted me have been the most random people: Jesse, Shannon- someone I literally just started talking to from recovery group, and Cameron. Gina also tried hard to comfort me, and she always does. She's such an unexpected blessing in my life.
So what now? I started this damn diary to figure out my feelings about Mason. I started writing again because he awakened emotions in me I hadn't felt in a long time. Everything had been dead in me; anxiety and depression had claimed me, and when I met Mason a little blossom of color and happiness spread like wildfire, and here I am left with everything burning.
I am overwhelmed, and my first reaction is to be numb to everything. Listen to depressing music, waste my money on drugs and alcohol, but this time I am aware enough to know that in the morning when everything's out of my system, I am still going to hurt.
I just want the hurt to go away. That's how I have felt my whole life. I just want all the pain to go away. I don't know how to make it go away. I've tried drugs and alcohol and people and religion and changing my work place and changing my hair color and nothing works.
I feel broken.
Am I just throwing myself a pity party? Maybe, but I don't know what else to do. How do I bounce back from this shit? I was swept up into this romance, and now I don't feel anything. It's such an instant empty feeling.
I'm listening to this pastor online, and he is preaching about the addiction world. He said we use because we want liberty from our pain, past, and pressure. That's exactly why I use. It's all too much. It's probably time I stop running from God. I always do this though. Get close to God, get afraid of the commitment, afraid of getting to close, and start running back towards all the things that cause havoc in my life alcohol, drugs, people. And, when I get hurt, like I am now I slowly creep back to God wanting answers, needing comfort, and afraid that I have gone too far this time and that He doesn't want me. I've done this back and forth stuff for so long, eleven years, and God has to be tired of me. How many times do I have to hit rock bottom? Do I even know what rock bottom looks like? When do I get to rest? Is that a selfish thing to feel?