Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Things happen so unexpectedly. I thrive on schedules and predictions, educated guesses and itineraries. So, I don't how this happened. Did my desperation actually bloom a relationship? An early friendship tainted with alcohol has now become a relationship void of sex. Am I not that attractive? Are you just that kind?
I am afraid to say all the things that run around in my brain. I need you to know how truly scared I am of this. Everything is so new to me. I couldn't figure it out; I mean, I thought once I found someone to claim as mine I would be happy and my insecurities would be buried in the peace knowing that at least one person on this earth has picked me as their significant other.
It was fun sneaking around on Thanksgiving, stealing kisses and touches in private. Did you know I tickle you so I can touch you and feel the adrenaline pump through you as you jump? I want to feel every inch of your body, mark it as mine, and feel no guilt about it. I want every crevice to have a memory of my lips. I want you to feel the same about my body. I want your lips to feel comfortable around every inch of my being.
That scar on your bottom lip? Possibly the closet thing to heaven there is. How you birthed that scar is out of pain and abuse, but I intend to help you love it. I intentionally bite and suck there. I want to feel when it pulses as you kiss. I want you to know I am aware of how the pain you've felt on the inside has manifested to the outside.
I never envisioned you. I never once thought the person I would fall madly in love with and hold hands with and kiss with and share nightmares with would be someone as intricate as you. You play nonstop video games. You have a tall lean build and shaggy brown hair. You have perfect teeth and smooth skin. You aren't athletic and you don't have an interest in watching football on the holidays. I never thought I would have to try hard at reading someone, or helping someone.
Two people with addictions, panic attacks, and gentle low self-esteems probably shouldn't date. Heroine, crack, cocaine are your worst enemies and you look down upon those who crave those things, but what if I told you at one point in time I couldn't get out of the bed without them. You're a pothead, so I know you would understand the whole addiction story, but would you still get angry if I said I still do those things in secret behind your back.
I get tired of listening to you fall asleep on the phone. I get tired of you nodding off when I just want you inside of me. I'm tired of yearning for someone half alive. But, I would never force you to pick between me and the weed. Bud would win every time. It distances you from all that plagues you and that's a superpower I haven't accessed yet.
I had you that night. The night I drank you under the table. The night I flirted with your roommates and taught them how tough I was. I kissed you and owned you. I found the key to everything I wanted, and I still couldn't take it. I didn't want to be drunk making love. I didn't want to corner you into taking my virginity. I knew I wanted you, and I knew I wanted to be yours, but I've always wanted someone to pick me out from across the room and think shes mine. I wanted you to claim me in front of your friends and kiss me hard to make your point. Instead I put you on the spot. I allowed my desperation to encircle around your neck forcing you to decide. How different would things be had you said no? The breath in my throat has never left; I'll forever be waiting on you saying no.
I can't wait to watch this blossom and bloom, and even if nothing serious comes from it, you have already taught me how to laugh. You have already taught me how to be comfortable in my own skin, and for that I'll be forever thankful. I don't know how to give that to you. I don't know how to make you love yourself more, but I do know I will try for always because you are worth. I hope you can see it in my eyes how every fiber of your being is worth it.
Listen, I never intended to be wrapped up in you. I still need to get my shit together. I still need to become my own adult, but you are so much fun. You have grabbed my attention, and I am lost within you. My goals are still mine, but how do I squeeze you into them? I want to become more for you. I try hard to look the best for you, so I can be something you show off. You're own personal trophy. The only thing that bothers me late at night, when I can't sleep, is that I doubt you put in as much effort. Is it that hard to get a job? Am I only good for cigarettes, candy, and sex? Oh wait no, also the weed.
I know I am hard to love with all these insecurities and lack of communication, but if you truly knew my inner thoughts you'd be gone faster than dust to dirt. I need to know you are worth the nightmares I run from at night. I need to know that I can trust you with my doubts and fears. Don't sugarcoat anything or sweep it under the rug. Yes, I feel so underserving and I feel so inadequate to have you in my life, but please don't shush me and let me know that you don't care for my self doubt. I don't do it for fun because believe second guessing every ounce of self worth isn't easy to do in front of your roommate, the one you mentioned you had fucked on more than one occasion, the one who gets jealous when I come over.
We have past I recognize that. I know that everything about my life confuses you and sometimes enrages you that I put up with such stupidity. Yes, I still am best friends with the cousin who sexual abused me as a child and tricked me into becoming an addict to feed his own addiction. He's a good person I promise, he's just made some terrible mistakes. Haven't we all? What are the ugly things you've kept hidden from me? Does it have something to do with the anger you keep hidden, but sneaks out every once in a while? I need to know.
Your angry rips through a room like the evening riptide. Slowly rising and then aggressively crashing into everything it touches. When I touch your face and force you to breathe does it help? Or am I just this annoying person who has no idea what it's like to have hell fire melting your insides? Because, let me tell you I know what it's like to have angry, hatred, and frustration blind you from the inside out.
I use to sit and write for hours upon hours. I use to tap into this fantasy land of stories I curated in my head. I spent every waking moment creating the perfect universe I could hide in. After becoming an adult, I had forgotten about the world and where the door was to get in. I was desperate for creativity in my life. After I kissed you for the first time, the time we couldn't breathe because we were sucking out each others souls, I found the key to my imaginary place. I hadn't even noticed until I sat and started typing out this. This release was a few years in the making. It couldn't have happened without you. I needed to experience you before I could write about it and now that's the only thing my heart wants my mind to think about.
The only thing about my imagination is that it runs wild. It creates worry in a stress free zone and gives me crazy thoughts that keep me up at night. For example, how many times do you think about me through out the day? Do I cross your mind right before you fall asleep or when you wake up? Is there anything about me that drives you crazy? Are there things about me you wish you could change? I want to know your inner thoughts and then again I bet some of them would sting and that scares me.
I haven't allowed another person to have this much power over my being in such a long time, but you are important to me. I can't leave my thoughts alone, even the negative ones. I am consumed by you and I don't even think you've noticed. I crave to be with you every second and to you I'm just a good option for right now. You can use me for the things you can't afford because you have no money. You use me for companionship when everyone's abandoned you. And, I eat up every second and task you throw my way because even the littlest of affection given from you satisfies my soul even if it's just for milliseconds. It's like the rush a crackhead gets when they hit the pipe for the first time in a while and end up doing a hundred dollars worth in five seconds.
I can't imagine what you think and it drives me insane. You are this enigma of emotion and characteristics. How long does it take a person to be able to read another human being? How long before I realize this is all just a dream? Listen, I don't ever want to wake up if that's the truth. Keep me in this coma where I love you.
Those words, God, I am so afraid to say them. And, I already know I have to wait for you to say them first or they'll turn to dust before my eyes and never come back. I'll scare you away into the darkness, but I just want to kiss you all over and whisper into the wind I love you every bite up your neck and every sweet kiss on your lips.
I came over the other day higher than the clouds. I could have touched heaven, and my biggest fear was that you might find out how much I actually care about you. I am not prepared for what will happen when you find out I want you to make me a wife and I want to make you a father. Even though that's probably not in our story. I can fantasize as long as you never find out.
I am hard to figure out, like a puzzle with a few missing pieces, but I can be so cherished that you can't throw me away, and hopefully that is the case. I never knew how to advocate for myself because I never saw much value within myself, but let me try for you. Let me advertise all the things about me that could benefit your life.
Nah, I'm just kidding. I have no idea why you would consider me date potential. I don't know why you are entertaining this idea, but I can feel the disappointment coming. I can feel the let down forming behind your eyes. I don't when it will come but one day you will wake up and wonder why you ever ran through the rain with me or picked wild flowers for me or considered a life past your own selfish ambitions with me.
When that day comes I want the world to be ending. I want jesus to have come back, and I want to be the only one left residing in hell because that is how bad it'll hurt. But, my luck the world will be peaceful, the birds will be singing, and I'll be the only one walking around with a gaping wound in their chest.
I wonder what it'll feel like for you. Relief?
This is just the beginning and yet I'm dwelling on the ending. It'll be the end of me for sure, but not us. That'll live on for eternity.
It snowed today. A light, fluffy snow that will probably be gone in the morning. It will turn to slush on the roads and will be easily wiped off cars, but I will never forget it's magic. You always get so cold, so cuddling is always an option. Working third shift has it's advantages because everyday so far before work we hang out, and I get all the sloppy kisses I can afford.
So, when I had to leave, you followed me out to the car for an extra cigarette. And, yes we had that conversation, the one where I asked if you only liked me because I have a good job and can afford things like food, cigarettes, and weed. You laughed at me. But, I wasn't joking. You just mused that a lot of guys must have really hurt me. But, let me be honest here: you are the first real boyfriend I have every had. So, I am anxious, and I am nervous, and I feel like once my well dries up you are going to run as fast as you can the other way.
Let's go back to that magic moment. The one where you are shivering next to my car lighting a cigarette, and once you taken that first inhale I pull you close and kiss you hard and wet and sloppy over and over again. I always close my eyes; I don't know about you. I always want more and more with each kiss.
I can almost picture heaven now. All those nights of uncertainty, abuse, and trauma were worth it if they made me the person you envision giving all these kisses too. You give my life a little sunshine that has the power to cut through all the shit swarming around me. Heaven: your endless kisses without ill-intention. Your kiss is just a kiss. It's not demanding. It's not forceful, but it's solid enough that I know you want to just as much as I do.
Everything seems to be falling into place, and I never thought I would ever experience that. I always thought that expression was made specifically for fairytales: people who lived lives attune to the American dream.
Once I find an apartment, you will have a place to permanently call home. No more talk of living in a tent in the freezing winter. You don't want me to be worried, but for the first time in my life I have something to worry about other than myself. I don't want you to not have a place to lay your head at, especially at night. You did this to yourself, and procrastinating about it probably hasn't helped.
A great woman by your side should help you feel empowered to become greater than your wildest dreams, and I cannot wait to watch you blossom.
Although, you smoking pot scares me, and sometimes the dreams you share with me are even more wild. Joining the Navy and quitting pot all sounds fine and dandy, but are you really going to do that? Being bipolar and ADHD has it's downfalls. Sorry to tell you that the military doesn't hire people with mental health issues. But, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to crush your dreams as you whispered them to me in the car late at night. I just went along with you and dreamed for the both of us because really we could uproot and live in California. That would be the wildest dream come true. I hate being stuck in this shit town, but you make it bearable and if I could take you to the places of my heart like the jungle gym that over looks the Mexican boarder I would for sure seal a place for you in my own personal heaven.
Listen I can't guarantee forever. I can't even promise tomorrow, but I know for now I want to spend every waking moment with you, even when you're absorbed in your video games or smoking pot and listening to viking music.
It's funny because I envisioned myself with someone a hundred percent different than you. I thought I wanted a thug. I thought I needed someone experienced and someone who could protect me at all cost. But, throughout my adulthood I have discovered I can keep myself safe, and I just need companionship.
Not saying you don't protect me, because I have faith in you that if shit got real I could count on you, but theres so much more to you. You are smart and curious. You enjoy laughing and being serious. I can have some of the most meaningful and sensitive conversations with you and I don't have to worry about you blowing them off.
So, I will wait for you to fall in love. I don't even know if you're in lust with me. It is so hard to read you. Seriously. I don't know what you're attracted too. I haven't the smallest idea of why you would date someone like me and your reasons are the same every time I ask: I am cute and that I am nice to you. That makes me sad because some where along the way your ex-girlfriends were so unkind that my kindness throws you off. My generosity is foreign to you. But, I could say the same thing about your gentleness and patience. If I had to compare you to anyone, Danny, Alex, Jesse, etc. I think you would stand out the most because you think before you speak, your intentions aren't always selfish and I am determined to think you care just the slightest. You want to know my opinion about things and that means the world to me. You listen when I speak and you care about my needs. If I said hey put your phone for a second you would and when I called you today you answered even though you were in the middle of a game and I am sure died on purpose so you could continue to talk to me.
That was our first real conversation on the phone and I loved it. You wanted to know how I slept. You wanted me to come over. You said you needed some of my kisses. It made me feel so loved. It made me feel wanted and I think that's all I have ever needed in my life: to be wanted. I just wish I could read your mind. I would love to know your brain's file on me. I would love to know what you tell your friends about me and I would love to know what your roommates and boss think of me. I wish you would tell me things about the way I make you feel, but I guess that'll come in due time.
It wasn't love at first sight, and to be honest I don't think I ever truly believed in true love at first sight because all relationships take work. I always criticize my parents marriage. I think they should have ended it before it even started: I seriously blame them for my conception, but to be honest I think it is a perfect example of why love at first sight doesn't exist, and if it does exist it is for the shallow hearted. I shouldn't determine whether I love someone based on one meeting. After one meeting the only thing I could remember was the way you looked and your child like stance on life and adventure. I don't think I would have fallen in love with that.
I think I will fall in love with the adventure of having you in my life. I think our time together and what we experience with one another will allow my guard to fall my walls to crumble and for me to fall little by little in love with you. I hope the little man within doesn't keep such a tight grip on your feelings that you can't get in touch with the emotions that allow you to become one with another human being. I hope that one we will be able to pray for each other and lean on one another. I hope that one people will look at us and it won't be such a hard thing for them to wrap their heads around that we actually like love each other.
I think I have said this a few times, but when can I say I love you? I am laughing so hard on the inside right now because I know what I feel is basically just lust. I don't think I have ever experienced love before. But, I do know that I want to make you fall. I want you to cast heads over heels for me. I want to be the last thought across your mind before you fall asleep and I want to be the first thing you think about in the morning. I want to know that you are happy to see me and sad when I leave. I want to know that you'd get jealous if another guy looks at me.
Oh and I still haven't told you, but girls turn me on. When I told the waitress she had a nice ass at O'Charleys I wasn't kidding. I hope you know that when you get upset about ex-girlfriends I can't help but get jealous and angry at the same time. I should be able to distract you from thinking about them. Kat was abusive, I get that. Let her go. Let me help you heal and believe in someone again. Everyone else who has broken your heart and sit on the sidelines for once because no one is better at healing from their past than me, so let me help you dive into a future without ghost.
Speaking of ghost, you haven't met mine yet. I have them splattered all across my life. People I let down. People who abandoned me. Events I am too afraid to speak about.
Also, let's talk about you going to Kentucky for the week. I don't want you to go. I don't want to be without your kisses for a whole week, and by the time you come back, will you even still like me? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but what if your heart was never fond of me in the first place? Listen, I don't think I can handle it. I will be texting you te whole time wondering what you are doing and if you are missing me. Nothing will get done at work because I will be daydreaming about having you back in my arms. And, if this is you ghosting me I will find out and I will kill. Just kidding, I won't murder you, but I will hold you accountable because yes we already had this conversation, and you said you have never ghosted anyone and you would never do that to me because it's been done to you before and it's painful.
You always tell me to not have self doubt and to not look down on myself but you do yourself all the time. I don't want to hear that you think you are fat or that you're ugly and have to many pimples. That's fucking life. Who doesn't have pimples? Who doesn't think they're too fat or to skinny? Everyone on Earth wants to be who they aren't because society and social media has made it damn near impossible to feel comfortable in our own skin. I learned a long time ago that the only person who can love me the most is me. I don't need your love and I think that's why this is different and I crave it the most.
I want to tell you not to go to Kentucky, but I don't think I have reached it that far in girlfriend status. Would you even listen to me if I did? Would you follow me around like a lost puppy like you do for Brandon? Granted you've known him longer, but shouldn't I be more important to you. He feels like a sidepiece and I need him to just be in your friend circle.
I can't wait until I can dig into your past and know all the ugly truths about you, so that I can trust everything you do and say. Trust is hard to form and I fear that we haven't created enough of it for you to up and go to Kentucky.
At the same time I want to know all your fears, wants, and needs. I want to fulfill them and keep your mind at ease. I want you to stroke my hair at night and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want to share a home with you and wake up next to you every morning. I want to know that you'll always be there when I need you, and when I have a bad day I want to confide in you. I want to tell you all the things I worry about, like my job and family and friends and issues within the church. I want to share with you all the ways I want to change the world like abolish sex trafficking and changing the way we go about identifying and helping children heal from sex abuse. I want to dramatically change the child care system in the United States. I want to go above and beyond to create a safer more functional world for the youth.
I want to know what things to aspire to do besides sit around and get high. I don't want to just watch you dwindle into the night. I want you to know that I only stayed clean for a few years for a significant other and I am trying my hardest to do it for you, but it is so easy to justify when I see you with a joint. I don't understand your logic that weed is any better than any other drug, but you have to understand every head trip you take is something I use to look forward to when I took one hit of crack or a shot of heroin. I wanted so far away from this place, I wanted to be so close to death without the scary unknown part. And, if that's why you smoke pot, then why date me. I want to help you make your life better inside of enabling you to run from it all the time.
I can change you and I never intended to when I first started to slide into this weird relationship phase. I know you said you were just nervous, but I did put you on the spot, and I did force you to make a hasty decision, and I don't want you to regret it. I also don't want to get hurt or feel used. I want to know the truth now when things are new rather than in a year when you are bored with me and feel the need to leave because this was never your idea in the first place.
I haven't been able to let loose and go at a keyboard like this in such a long time, and I am so happy that you are the one who has reopened my creative side. It makes me feel as though I needed you and found you at just the right moment.
The absolutely best part of this is that I am friends with your mom. She is such an amazing person and I love spending time with her. Everyone who gets married is supposed to hate their in laws but I guarantee you even if we don't make it I'll still be your mom's best friend. I just slip into your family and became apart of it with a snap of a finger, and my parents absolutely loved talking to you. I know that you haven't met the rest of my circus family, but I have faith they'll like you too because I do and you have this charming sparkle about you.
I know it's too early to have this conversation, so I'll bite my tongue, but I want to know what you have in mind for our future. Is this just one of those seasonal flings? You'll find someone else in the summer? Someone you can show off and play life with? You have to understand because of the hurts in my life, I will always be anticipating the end even though it may never come. I want to be assured. I want you to tell me you love, you won't leave me, and that you need me.
Do you need me? Do I add to your life? Are there things I have brought to your life that you never knew you were missing? Did I mention I was a hopeless romantic but I hide because secretly I know those things only happen in movies? I absolutely know that your sensitive soul was made for mine. I just have to dig in a little deeper and help you see, you were made specifically for me.
I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe in magic and fairy dust, but I do believe in hard work and caring for one another. I don't want you to love me because I look a certain way or cause you to need release. I want you to love me because throughout our days together you've discovered that my mind is fascinating, that I fill this place in you that you didn't know was empty.
I want to know what keeps you up at night and what has caused your life to become so hard. I want to know what you identify with and why that is. What kinds of things do you fight for? What type of people do you empathetically fight for? Why do you listen to things in different languages? What was your teenage years like? What attracted you to all of your ex girlfriends? What was your first impression of me? Do you think of me through out your day? I have asked that multiple times in this little writing of mine, but it really presses into me like a throne in my side because I know that I think of you with my whole being.
I have never been mesmerized by someone like this. I mean yes I have. Just one time, and I said I would never do it again because it almost killed me. Brock Hill. A tsunami that ripped through my heart, mind, and did leave until I became an adult, and even know I still reminisce on the damage he left behind. I never stopped thinking about him. I wanted to know him inside and out. I wanted to be glued to his side, and I wanted him to notice me so bad. He claimed I was his best friend, like a sister. That was the first time and not the last that I heard the expression and it sheared through me causing detrimental damage. I have three brothers, I do not need any more.
Being noticed. Do you see me? Do you notice when I straighten my hair just for you? Because let me tell that takes so much time and effort and if it was up to me I would totally leave it curly and call it a day. I don't need to wear this much make up you say, but when I am around your ex Brittany all the time I am at your house I can't help but wear it. I want her to know I know I look better than her and can wear make up better than her. She might have a decent body, but I can offer so much more to you than what she ever did. I want her to know that, and maybe she does, maybe shes threatened and that's why she doesn't speak to me, or maybe you guys still fuck and she feels sorry for me, not wanting to spill any secrets and so she doesn't talk.
I have never wanted to perfect the way I look more than when I want you so bad I can taste it, and realize I don't even look appetizing. I want to be thin and fit perfectly into your arms. As it is I love the way my head fits in your lap and the crook of your neck, but I want to look good holding your hand and in holiday pictures with your family. I want to be someone who you can twirl around and thank god I am yours. I don't want you to second guess why you are with someone who looks like this, and I will fix everything about me that I don't like because I will truly be confident and can rest in knowing I've worked hard to be something you should want to keep.
I know I am not an object up for consumerism, but I want to be yours. I want you to tell me what to do. I want you to guide me, control, hit me when I cross the line. I want you to be comfortable in demanding things from me. I want to be safe in the past and know that I can trust you to hurt me in the ways I like. Bite me. Hard enough to leave a bruise and open wounds. I want you to know what it feels like to have so much power that I flinch when you raise your hand to wrap around my shoulders.
None of that sounds normal and I might be glorifying domestic violence just a bit, but I am use to feeling beaten down and ugly. I am use to bruises and being hurt. That's my comfortable space, and everything about you is so uncomfortable and foreign that I just want a little taste of the anger you hide deep inside.