Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
*This is part two and I highly recommend reading part one for this to make any sense*
Oh my god, okay, so can Perfect by Ed Sheeran be our song?!?!?!? Literally. I'm listening to it now and its just... so perfect. My heart is swelling. Damn it. I think I am in love. So not in the plan. Also, can we slow dance in the kitchen higher than kites at two am in our pajamas to our favorite song? If you had to pick a song for us what would it be? Lil' Wayne? Hahaha.
I am seeing all of these memes about love and dating and being someones significant other and it's like I am seeing them in a whole new light. Like, before when I was single I just looked, laughed, and moved on, but now they move my heart because I think of you.
Another funny side note, a few days after you asked me to be your girlfriend I still felt single. Like when you turn twenty-five on your birthday but someone ask how old you are and you say twenty-four because you feel as though nothing has changed on the inside.
I mean everything has changed. You make things different and I make things difficult. Honesty and communication if what you asked for and I am so stubborn I do things to intentional make you not want to hear all the things I do or think or see. When your mom told me boyfriends are suppose to care about I didn't quite grasp the concept. Caring for me is foreign to me. I don't even take great care of myself. That's why I drink myself silly and consistently do anything to harm myself. Overeating, cutting, drugs, alcohol. The list goes on and on and I am pretty sure you don't want to know half of the things.
I know that because we talked for a little bit in the car the other day about suicide and you couldn't deal. You just told me not to think about those things, as if that is ever an option. Sometimes I am afraid to share with you the deepest darkest parts of me because I think they will scare you away, but even worse is if you find out about them from someone else.
I wonder if I'll ever let you read this. Just tie it up in a big read bow and deliver it to you on Christmas. I'd watch you read them. You'd probably be silent the whole time with little expression on your face because you are good at hiding the way you feel. I wish you didn't though. I wish I could tell the twitch in your side or the hiccup in your voice what you were feeling and thinking.
Also, I am not a fan of Beyonce. I'm just not. Why did she have to do a duet with Ed? The song Perfect was just fine without her. But, I am a huge fan of Rascal Flatts, I think we established this already.
One day I want you to spontaneously tell me you love me. I want it to escape from your lips without intention. I want your heart to surprise you as the words fall from your mouth. I want to see the shocked expression on your face as it happens. I want to know that you were just afraid I wouldn't say it back and that's why it took you forever to say it. I want November 17th of 2019 to come already so that I can look back on a whole year of us together and know that you made my life so much brighter. I don't want to look back on heartache and I think I won't have too.
And just so I never lose this memory: The night I drank you under the table you covered your body with mine and kissed every surface your lips could reach and told me if you ever got down on one knee with a ring that I wasn't allowed to have a panic attack because you would be secretly having a heart attack. I love that about you. That you are sensitive and take in all of your emotions and fully dwell in the romantics of a moment inside and out.
How do things change so quickly? I haven't even had time to process what happened Tuesday night, but I can tell I never envisioned it happening. In the ten years I have been driving I have never had an accident in the snow, but I guess there's a first time for everything. The car in front of me hit their brakes and slid into oncoming traffic causing me to stop and slid on the ice slamming into a pole. You weren't concerned about me just your weed. You walked away and wanted for you mom at a gas station. When they picked you up, you told them I was high and that is why I wrecked the car, but on the contrary you knew I wouldn't even hit the blunt you were passing around.
Accidents happen, but you intentionally hurt me, and that is not how I envisioned this ending. I am so glad I saw your true colors before I actually developed any real feelings. Danny may have treated me shitty a few times, but family is the only people you can actually count on and I am glad he is in my corner because he is bat shit crazy, and that scares you. I'll be angry for a while, but slowly it will dissipate while you'll have to think about your actions forever, unless you never take accountability, and in that case, you were never any better than the boys I deal with at work.
The repercussions of this suck though because your grandma and your mom and I were close, and now I don't ever want to see them again because they believed you without even speaking with me. If I hadn't called your grandma I would have never known the story you told and their true feelings. I am beyond angry at them too. That sucks because I don't want it to be this way. Oh well. I have nothing profound to say about the ending of this relationship besides I am worth more than how you treated me; I learned how precious family is and how much mine actually loves me. My silver lining is that I would do this all over again to have learned this lesson; it's one that I have yearned for all my life.
I just wished I hadn't have opened up to you, but I think it has taught me that if I want someone worth falling in love with, I need to take better care of myself. I need to look the part of someone worth falling in love with.
So, thank you for heartache. Thank you for all the anger. Thank you for all the frustration of the past two days. Because, I have learned so much, and I will be stronger moving forward than I ever was before I met you.
Why are feelings so goddamn confusing?
That's a lot of bullet points and I am not even sure if I believe all of them. Listen, I think this was all a mistake, and I fucked up, and I ruined everything, and it is my fault, and I don't know how to fix it. I never know how to fix it. I am so great at making messes and not knowing how to fix them. I wish I had my car because I would drive so far away from everything here.
I am so fucking exhausted, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I just finished talking to your mom and my friend and sometimes I forget that part. She's not just my boyfriends mom but shes also my friend and has my best intentions in mind. She wasn't upset as I thought she was going to be. She is asking me to do what everyone else on Earth has asked me to do for so long: cut baby Danny out of my life, and everyone knows it's not easy but they all make it a point to say it's for me to have a better life. Jenny actually said maybe if I stopped I could be living a life like Tony is because I did tell her Tony is living my dream life. Sigh.
Aside from that: Danny and Mason are trying to make me chose between the both of them which isn't fair but I put myself in this situation.
So, Jenny asked me why I wanted to hang out with Mason and Danny together, and I didn't really have an end goal. I just thought they would get along. Two pot heads talking about guy stuff. She asked me if I just wanted Mason to come over so I could keep smoking crack. Which was never the case. It's crazy to even type those words like, I am a fucking crack head. And, it doesn't phase me. I am an addict and I don't care.
Reasons I shouldn't be in a relationship right now: