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The Unfinished Diary of TBJ (Part 2)

by Rascalover


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

*This is part two and I highly recommend reading part one for this to make any sense* 

Oh my god, okay, so can Perfect by Ed Sheeran be our song?!?!?!? Literally. I'm listening to it now and its just... so perfect. My heart is swelling. Damn it. I think I am in love. So not in the plan. Also, can we slow dance in the kitchen higher than kites at two am in our pajamas to our favorite song? If you had to pick a song for us what would it be? Lil' Wayne? Hahaha.

I am seeing all of these memes about love and dating and being someones significant other and it's like I am seeing them in a whole new light. Like, before when I was single I just looked, laughed, and moved on, but now they move my heart because I think of you.

Another funny side note, a few days after you asked me to be your girlfriend I still felt single. Like when you turn twenty-five on your birthday but someone ask how old you are and you say twenty-four because you feel as though nothing has changed on the inside.

I mean everything has changed. You make things different and I make things difficult. Honesty and communication if what you asked for and I am so stubborn I do things to intentional make you not want to hear all the things I do or think or see. When your mom told me boyfriends are suppose to care about I didn't quite grasp the concept. Caring for me is foreign to me. I don't even take great care of myself. That's why I drink myself silly and consistently do anything to harm myself. Overeating, cutting, drugs, alcohol. The list goes on and on and I am pretty sure you don't want to know half of the things.

I know that because we talked for a little bit in the car the other day about suicide and you couldn't deal. You just told me not to think about those things, as if that is ever an option. Sometimes I am afraid to share with you the deepest darkest parts of me because I think they will scare you away, but even worse is if you find out about them from someone else.

I wonder if I'll ever let you read this. Just tie it up in a big read bow and deliver it to you on Christmas. I'd watch you read them. You'd probably be silent the whole time with little expression on your face because you are good at hiding the way you feel. I wish you didn't though. I wish I could tell the twitch in your side or the hiccup in your voice what you were feeling and thinking.

Also, I am not a fan of Beyonce. I'm just not. Why did she have to do a duet with Ed? The song Perfect was just fine without her. But, I am a huge fan of Rascal Flatts, I think we established this already.

One day I want you to spontaneously tell me you love me. I want it to escape from your lips without intention. I want your heart to surprise you as the words fall from your mouth. I want to see the shocked expression on your face as it happens. I want to know that you were just afraid I wouldn't say it back and that's why it took you forever to say it. I want November 17th of 2019 to come already so that I can look back on a whole year of us together and know that you made my life so much brighter. I don't want to look back on heartache and I think I won't have too.

And just so I never lose this memory: The night I drank you under the table you covered your body with mine and kissed every surface your lips could reach and told me if you ever got down on one knee with a ring that I wasn't allowed to have a panic attack because you would be secretly having a heart attack. I love that about you. That you are sensitive and take in all of your emotions and fully dwell in the romantics of a moment inside and out.

11/28/18

How do things change so quickly? I haven't even had time to process what happened Tuesday night, but I can tell I never envisioned it happening. In the ten years I have been driving I have never had an accident in the snow, but I guess there's a first time for everything. The car in front of me hit their brakes and slid into oncoming traffic causing me to stop and slid on the ice slamming into a pole. You weren't concerned about me just your weed. You walked away and wanted for you mom at a gas station. When they picked you up, you told them I was high and that is why I wrecked the car, but on the contrary you knew I wouldn't even hit the blunt you were passing around.

Accidents happen, but you intentionally hurt me, and that is not how I envisioned this ending. I am so glad I saw your true colors before I actually developed any real feelings. Danny may have treated me shitty a few times, but family is the only people you can actually count on and I am glad he is in my corner because he is bat shit crazy, and that scares you. I'll be angry for a while, but slowly it will dissipate while you'll have to think about your actions forever, unless you never take accountability, and in that case, you were never any better than the boys I deal with at work.

The repercussions of this suck though because your grandma and your mom and I were close, and now I don't ever want to see them again because they believed you without even speaking with me. If I hadn't called your grandma I would have never known the story you told and their true feelings. I am beyond angry at them too. That sucks because I don't want it to be this way. Oh well. I have nothing profound to say about the ending of this relationship besides I am worth more than how you treated me; I learned how precious family is and how much mine actually loves me. My silver lining is that I would do this all over again to have learned this lesson; it's one that I have yearned for all my life.

I just wished I hadn't have opened up to you, but I think it has taught me that if I want someone worth falling in love with, I need to take better care of myself. I need to look the part of someone worth falling in love with.

So, thank you for heartache. Thank you for all the anger. Thank you for all the frustration of the past two days. Because, I have learned so much, and I will be stronger moving forward than I ever was before I met you.

Why are feelings so goddamn confusing?

Danny:

  • trying to look out for me
  • angry at Mason
  • threatening like he always does
  • mad at me because I won't let him call Mason
  • my best friend, even when he's crazy
  • is a constant in my life
  • comfortable
  • knows everything about me, knows how to read me, knows when I need space, knows when I'm in a good mood
  • I can talk to me about important things and not feel judged
  • street/ life smart about things I don't understand

Mason:

  • Mad at Danny and possibly me
  • I can't tell if he is being truthful
  • Yelled at me for an hour about Danny- who I can't control
  • Doesn't want to take a break/ does want a break
  • Abandoned me
  • Lied to his mom/ grandma about me
  • Has an attorney and is going to use him to do something about Danny
  • Is going to Kentucky for a weekish
  • Doesn't trust me
  • Wants to be my best friend
  • maybe cares about me but at this point I don't trust him
  • Is confused/ young/ dumb/ a hothead/ quick to judgement
  • Pothead
  • Doesn't listen
  • Why am I even still considering this?
  • Because I care about his mom.
  • And she's mad at me because of him
  • Or am I not taking accountability

Jenny:

  • Mad at me
  • mad at me
  • mad
  • at
  • me
  • haven't had a chance to talk to her
  • I'm afraid to go to her house
  • I'm afraid to talk to her
  • I'm afraid and just want to leave her alone

Janet:

  • Mad at me
  • talked with me
  • said tough things out of love
  • said I wasn't responsible and that I put Mason's life in danger
  • Shared Jesus with me this morning

Tiffany:

  • afraid to ask for help
  • afraid of being helpless
  • doesn't like letting people in because I've always taken care of myself
  • is confused
  • afraid to live like Jesus
  • afraid to be close to Jesus
  • is letting down everyone in her life at the moment
  • desperately sad because Jenny and Janet are mad at me and probably hugely disappointed in me too
  • Doesn't want to go to group on Friday because I'm afraid
  • wants to run away
  • wants to stay in bed all day
  • possibly developing agoraphobia
  • is nervous to drive again
  • needs a car
  • needs to move out
  • needs a break from life
  • might be depressed and suicidal but too afraid to admit it because it would turn my life up side down
  • sabotaging my own life
  • should have never let Mason meet Danny
  • very confused about everything that has happened in the last forty-eight hours
  • hasn't had time to process anything
  • needs a new car
  • needs to focus on work
  • needs to get a car and be alone for a while
  • needs to love myself better
  • needs to dig deeper into Jesus, even if it's scary
  • ripped my hoodie. * secretly cries on the inside because everything around me is falling apart *

That's a lot of bullet points and I am not even sure if I believe all of them. Listen, I think this was all a mistake, and I fucked up, and I ruined everything, and it is my fault, and I don't know how to fix it. I never know how to fix it. I am so great at making messes and not knowing how to fix them. I wish I had my car because I would drive so far away from everything here.

11/29/18

I am so fucking exhausted, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I just finished talking to your mom and my friend and sometimes I forget that part. She's not just my boyfriends mom but shes also my friend and has my best intentions in mind. She wasn't upset as I thought she was going to be. She is asking me to do what everyone else on Earth has asked me to do for so long: cut baby Danny out of my life, and everyone knows it's not easy but they all make it a point to say it's for me to have a better life. Jenny actually said maybe if I stopped I could be living a life like Tony is because I did tell her Tony is living my dream life. Sigh.

Aside from that: Danny and Mason are trying to make me chose between the both of them which isn't fair but I put myself in this situation.

So, Jenny asked me why I wanted to hang out with Mason and Danny together, and I didn't really have an end goal. I just thought they would get along. Two pot heads talking about guy stuff. She asked me if I just wanted Mason to come over so I could keep smoking crack. Which was never the case. It's crazy to even type those words like, I am a fucking crack head. And, it doesn't phase me. I am an addict and I don't care.

Reasons I shouldn't be in a relationship right now:

  • I am an addict and I don't want help/ I'm too prideful to ask for help.
  • I am selfish
  • I am afraid
  • I am dependent upon others
  • I am argumentative
  • I have no backbone
  • I don't know what I am doing.   


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Mon Dec 24, 2018 9:59 am
Kirkiln wrote a review...



Hey there Rascalover! Or, welcome back, I should say haha

Remember my critiques from the last part? I sure don't, but let's see if I repeat any here. Anyway, let's jump in :D

Oh my god, okay, so can Perfect by Ed Sheeran be our song?!?!?!? Literally. I'm listening to it now and its just... so perfect. My heart is swelling. Damn it. I think I am in love. So not in the plan. Also, can we slow dance in the kitchen higher than kites at two am in our pajamas to our favorite song? If you had to pick a song for us what would it be? Lil' Wayne? Hahaha.


Okay, so this is a diary, right? Is it an online diary? Because I don't think I would ever see someone take the time to add all of that punctuation into writing. It's just time consuming, and as someone who's had a diary before I just don't see myself doing it. It reads to me like this is a text message more so than a diary with the punctuation, and also the "hahaha" to a lesser extent.

I am seeing all of these memes about love and dating and being someones significant other and it's like I am seeing them in a whole new light. Like, before when I was single I just looked, laughed, and moved on, but now they move my heart because I think of you.


someone's*

Also, I can totally get this, but boy as an outsider this kind of stuff annoys me personally. I have a friend who spams her facebook with lovey dovey crap and it got so annoying I blocked her. It's also something that not a lot of people touch on when writing about love. How everything changes when you have actually found it. It's very cliché (although I think you dodge that at most points) but it is true. At this time last year, I would have yawned at this sentence and told you you were being cliché, but now I understand, having found love myself. It changes this stuff, and makes it more personal.

You make things different and I make things difficult.


What a good line!

I am so glad I saw your true colors before I actually developed any real feelings.


What a twist! But boy, one I saw coming from a mile away. What you were feeling, dead narrator, wasn't really love but lust. It was dangerous and imperfect and full of fatal flaws, any of which could have destroyed it completely. A car crash is an accident, but the drug addiction and not actually caring for you is no accident. You just chose to ignore it until you couldn't anymore. I'm sorry, narrator. At least you realized it and could tell yourself it wasn't actual love, just as a part of yourself was telling you so the entire time.

I have nothing profound to say about the ending of this relationship besides I am worth more than how you treated me;


It's crazy how much a traumatic experience can change world views. Just earlier this part, you were talking about the thought of suicide and I'm sure your self-worth was super low. Now, you can see that you're better than what he was giving you. I'm happy for you. As a side note, I would much rather see this through actions, even though yes I know this is a diary entry, you can still use actions to express it through this style.

Overall Thoughts

Well, hello Tiffany. I'm glad I'm finally able to put a face to your name! So, overall I think this is a much better chapter than the first. The first one had a lot of setup but was so long that it got hard to read. This one is much shorter and more interesting. Obviously you needed chapter one to set this up, but I like the way you did it. I feel like the car accident could be better done (think of the feelings Tiffany especially would be thinking after such a traumatic experience. For example, I got a huge panic attack after just a simple fender bender years ago) but it set up good conflict in this part.

I also love love love the bullet point part of this. It set up a lot of good character building and world building while also still being believable. It's also a different template than what you've shown us so far and is a breath of fresh air. It's simple, but quite effective. It also introduces names (so, so important and I didn't know I was missing until now) to these faces and also introduces new players to this chess game of love. I can't wait to see what happens in the next part!

Hope this helped ^^




Rascalover says...


thank you so much



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Sat Dec 15, 2018 6:26 pm
Traves wrote a review...



Hi Rascalover !
Here are some of my thoughts on this real™ piece. Feel free to ask any questions or put aside anything that doesn't make sense. Again, most of my criticism is in intent closer to an analytical query rather than something that I strongly feel needs improvement.

First entry /over all -

1. This is the furthest from anything I have read ever, which was intentional as I avoided reading romantic stuff up until very recently. Even then, never did I feel bored or irritated by this work. I'll say this again, you make the reader care about your narrator skillfully.

2. There are a few minor spelling mistakes/grammatical errors, which I don't know are intentional or not. If it isn't, a single quick re-edit would take care of that.

Also, is the date "11/27/2018" missing at the beginning?

3. I maintain a diary too, and the variation in the formatting of the entries adds a realistic feel to the work. Paragraphs, bullet lists, tables, images etc. all are used in journalling and here, effectively. The fact that the paragraphs and lists are on different dates shows that the state of mind and the way the MC's mind is processing its thoughts varies (as it does in any ordinary person) even if the thing/person on their mind is the remains the same.

4. The previous entries were an overwhelming deluge of emotions and questions, and now the storm has quietened a bit, lending a (only slightly) lighter stream-of-consciousness feel to this, and this makes it an easier read.

5. This feels like a voice recording that someone would add to their voice-entry diary. That's not the correct way to describe it tbh, but the other way I think about it is that this feels like an informal monologue that someone might say , given the use of terms "Literally","like", "I mean" etc. I feel that although that would be very cool for a recording, since I assume that this is put out there for people to read, maybe some tighter editing would help the piece without taking away its genuineness (if that's a word).
Although that might mean a cross over from a messy diary entry to a slightly tidied up impression of a diary entry.

For example, that might mean the removal of the second sentence in "Caring for me is foreign to me. I don't even take great care of myself. That's why I drink myself silly and consistently do anything to harm myself. " which would take away no depth or emphasis as far as I can see.

6. <Not a critique but "not a fan of Beyonce " is the first thing I found relatable with the protagonist xD (On a serious note, I do feel that this is the perfect amount of words to dedicate to a song in this entry.) >

7. Repetition — "I drank you under the table" was in the previous entry too iirc. , and its a cliche too, though this isn't much of a problem as it was handled correctly imo.

Second entry —

8. What a massive twist in the tale, though can't say we didn't see that coming (the caring for weed rather, not the accident). Though "last night" might be a better phrase to use than "Tuesday night", I also think that it helps to put distance between the memory and moment of writing. Which is definitely needed if such a terrible thing happened less than a day ago, and the MC is already composed enough to write a diary entry about it. The usage of lists adds to the clinical detachment/denial/not-yet-fully-processed(affected) mindset . Brilliant.

9. The lists are great, and a cool way to unload some info including the pothead's name. I'm not sure how Jesus plays into it or how strongly religion's interwoven into the lives of the characters, though that's probably because I live in a country where Christians are a tiny minority, and thus don't understand the culture.

That talking in third person about themselves confused me a bit initially, but I re-read it then and it makes sense. (And also lets us know what T stands for in TBJ)

Third entry —
By now it feels like the MC has fully processed all that happened. (though that fact is more in-your-face imo compared to previous entries.) It isn't clear though whether they're smoking crack or not.

It feels like the diary is having a therapeutic effect on the MC so if you were going for that, then it's great.

Not a lot of criticism here, so if you need any actual advice think of the effect you wanted to have on the reader and whether it worked for me. (if I feel it, then a large reader group will probably do too because the protagonist is not relatable to me in any way, yet the entries hold my attention)

These entries were even better and imaginative!

Keep writing so well!




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Mon Dec 10, 2018 4:28 am
AmadeusW wrote a review...



Hey! Been busy, but I finally got to reading this!
This is quite the monologue. This and part one together make the perfect diary of a confused, emotionally broken person who doesn't know how to react to her boyfriend's antics. This is all very realistic and from the heart. It truly feels like an authentic expression of how you truly feel about the person you're talking to in this monologue. If it is actually your own experiences and thoughts, then it took a lot of bravery to write all this down and share it. Not many feel okay with expressing their feelings to others.
I love the raw, uncensored outpouring of pain and anguish. I know that makes me sound like a psycho but seriously, the way you wrote all this is quite intense, actually. And even though (no offense) there are quite many typos and grammar errors and whatnot, I think those errors actually ADD to the story, because no one who is a drug addict and an emotionally disturbed person is going to write their diary in perfect English. Take the book Flowers for Algernon, for example. I think the narrator was an autistic person, if memory serves, and the spelling in that book was off-the-charts botched - but it was done that way to preserve the authenticity of the narrator. Now your typos and grammar errors may not have been intentional, but they could possibly be preserved, because it adds to the authenticity of your character, TBJ.
Good work on this.




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Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:52 am



Man this is crazy.

I was so hopeful after reading the last part, I was thinking about how this boyfriend would respond to all of your hopes, desires and needs, whether or not you actually showed him what you wrote. 'You' being either the character or actually yourself again.

And to see it all crash down because of an accident?


I can't form up a full review for this, its got me thinking about too much. Fucking hell, this was a rollercoaster, it drew me in so much and this part kinda ruined me along with you.

Phenomenal writing once again.




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Tue Dec 04, 2018 8:26 pm
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AutoPilot wrote a review...



So.... whoa.

First off, I apologize for not reviewing this yesterday when I said I would. I got caught up in a paper for Anatomy (do you have any questions about hypoparathyroidism?? because I can answer them :D) and forgot. Again, I'm sorry. But anyway, I'm here now, so on to reviewing.

This work is even more open and honest and brutal and emotional than the first part. It really is hard, is heartbreaking, to read these. Emotions really suck sometimes. When you hit things like this, sometimes over emotions and numbness (no matter how scary the second one is): numbness feels less harsh. Your beginning sentence hit me kind of hard, because Perfect was my ex-girlfriend and my song. And now when I listen to it it seems kind of warped, kind of spoiled. I still like the song. But now it feels like when you have flowers in a vase too long and they still look just fine, but when you get to close, you can smell the death and decay in their pores.

It's hard when you're stuck, having to decide between two unhealthy things, but both feel good. I guess that's where addiction as an example comes into play. Hi, I'm a relatively high functioning alcoholic. I know that when things feel good, they become addictive. Especially when it's a thing that becomes habit for your brain. It just becomes a fixture, even though it may be killing you. relationships can be like that too. My ex was really toxic, but it still felt like a knife to my heart when she left. Even though she was emotionally abusive, I became addicted to the few happy parts of being with her. The feel good parts. And that really applies to a lot of things in life.

Your writing is just open and flows like thoughts, like you just type as soon as the words pop into your brain, and you don't really stop to filter them or add a slant or bias so they work in your favor better. I like that. I hate authors who twist and turn around the truth just to make themselves look like the victim. Because there is a huge difference between actually being the victim, and making yourself the victim by twisting emotions and sympathy to suit yourself. Your writing is genuine, it's real, it is good.

I honestly thought your bulleted section there was good. It really added to the overall work here, and it gave you some perspective to the other people in your story here. It gives the reader perspective as to how you perceive the people around you. And tells us a lot about those people, so that we better understand what happened and why they acted how they did.

Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, Etc.

There's a couple mistakes throughout the work, but they're little and easily fixed.
P=paragraph, S=Sentence, ABP=After Bullet Points

1. (P2, S1) "...and being someones significant other..."
"Someones" should be "Someone's"

2. (P4, S4) "...boyfriends are suppose to care about..."
"soppose to" should be "supposed to"

3. (P6, S2) "...in a big read bow and deliver..."
"Read" should be "red"

4. ABP (P2, S3) "She's not just my boyfriends mom but shes also my friend and has my best intentions in mind."

Corrected: "She's not just my boyfriend's mom, but she's also my friend, and has my best intentions in mind."

5. ABP (P3, S7) "And, it doesn't phase me."
"phase" should be "faze"

Overall, this is really good.

Great job, and keep on writing,
Autopilot




Rascalover says...


Thank you so much for this awesome review! I really appreciate it!




Man is by nature a political animal.
— Aristotle