Her Lover

She slipped out of her work uniform seductively, letting her white button down slip off her shoulders and her black slacks fall start to the wood floor. [[Get rid of some of this description in the first sentence. As a general rule, you don't want to use adverbs, such as "seductively," so eliminate that right from the get-go. I would also advise changing the sentence to read, "letting her white-button down slip from her shoulders, black slacks falling to the floor." As-is, it's a little off-rhythm and clotted with description.]] Closing the door[[,]] she took off her under clothes [[you already described this, so don't tell us again.]] and walked away from the pile of filthy clothes. This sex would be the best she’s ever had [[-]] lustful, passion driven; the euphoria would be so terrific[[;]] it wouldn’t even hurt. [[Why would it hurt?]] Emaleigh had waited such a long time for this night to happen. She had so much built up energy and lust [[that]] she didn’t know where to start first. Spinning around the room, she looked at the slop around her. Of course, she should clean her room first; no one wanted to have slow, sensual love[[-]]making in a pig trough.

8:00 pm

The room looked immaculate. The clean and dirty clothes had been put away. [[Omit "clean and dirty" - again, unnecessary details.]] The dresser and bookcase lacked any particle of dust, dirt, or grim[[e]]. The top of the dresser was bare, except for a black, rough, heavy case and a set of small, silver keys. [[You're a bit heavy on your adjectives again, and when they aren't particularly powerful or important, I would advise that you strip them away.]] The bookcase was orderly and alphabetized[[;]] who could be with their lover while a few feet away R. L. Stine came before Ellen Hopkins? [[I like that line. It adds a bit of wit and sardonic humor.]] How ridiculous. The room seemed a tad dark, so Emaleigh opened the blinds. Who cared if the whole neighborhood could see her bare chest and uncleansed body[[?]] she wouldn’t be living there much longer. Now that the setting was perfect, it was time to make her body the picture of a barbie doll. She slinked her way to the master bathroom, dreaming of her strong, dark, handsome, lover, someone who always knew how to speak sweet nothings just the right way.

9:00 pm

She stood at the full length bathroom mirror, letting her body drip dry on to the ocean blue rug. It was the only pop of color in the pearl and chrome bathroom, thanks to her mother. [[This sentence has a bit of an odd order - thanks to her mother? For what? For the colorlessness or for the rug?]] From head to toe, Emaleigh had picked at herself until she thought she looked exquisite. She forced all the jam and lint from her professionally pedicured toes, which held bright red toe nail polish; [[I would rephrase it as "which were polished red."]] every detail had to match her lover’s dark red guest. Her slender legs were shaved two or three times, before they felt as smooth as an angel’s skin. There were a few spots of blood, where the razor had nicked her a little too close, but she hushed it away with her black wash cloth. “Not yet,” she whispered, wiping her legs clean. Her vagina held a perfect triangle of brown, curly, wiry hair; the areas surrounding it had been shaven clean. She plunked and plunged until her belly button could be eaten out of. There were no stretch marks at the sides of her stomach because she had been preparing for this day for months, applying body butter to every inch of her until every scar on every surface was wiped away. Her triple D breasts sagged a little, but the sweat and grim[[e]] underneath them had been diligently scrubbed off. She thought he was a chest man, and didn’t want to disappoint him. Emaleigh’s underarms were free of hair and lint. She shivered. Her hairless, polished body was frozen, but it wouldn’t be once the heat of the evening set into action. Although, they could rock each other’s world like two teenagers at the state fair[[;]] if he couldn’t stand the sight of her face there would be no passion. Emaleigh made her way over to the bathroom sink, where her make-up bag had already exploded, outpouring of thousands of items. [[I'm not sure that all of this was necessary detail, but it was written well and realistically; just make sure you don't go overboard.]]

9:30 pm felt entirely unnecessary; delete it, and crunch whatever details feel needed to you within the 9:00 section.

10:00 pm

Emaleigh’s long, luscious, dark, blonde hair ended right at her nipples. It took fifteen minutes each to blow dry and straighten her wavy hair, and this was how she liked it best. Her bangs swung to the right and looped behind her ear. Her shortest layer hit at her shoulders, and her long hair swayed and tickled the small of her back. He was almost here, and she could smell excitement and sex in the air. Emaleigh couldn’t wait until his black, slenderness carried her off into the sky, an ecstasy she only dreamed of. She took one final look into the mirror before she shut the light off, closing the door behind her. She could see the sun falling from the sky through the slit in the blinds. It was time to set the room up for a romantic rendezvous.[[Didn't she already work on the room?]]

10:30 pm

After running around the house[[,]] searching for the best[[-]]looking and smiling [[?]] candles, Emaleigh set three, of various size, candles on the dresser, pulling a lighter from one of the drawers and lighting them. [[This sentence is very clunky and weird, so consider revising.]] Gradually, they filled the room with the smell of a fruit paradise, somewhere in the islands. She dimmed the lights and placed grey satin sheets on the bed to match the ocean blue, satin pillow cases and comforter. Everything was set in place and it was almost time for her magnificent lover to arrive and fill her every need.

10:45 pm

It didn’t take long for Emaleigh to write a letter to her previous friends and family explaining why she would be leaving this place. She had hid everything for so long that the words and emotions just poured out of her soul, through the pink ink and onto the page, ripped from her decade old diary. She explained her hurt and how her lover lured her, seducing her with his charm and blunt personality. His dominating presence was enough to drive her over the edge, and he wasn’t even in her hands yet. Her body ached with anticipation as the [[clock]] ticked by slowly. [[Get rid of "slowly."]]

10:50 pm

Emaleigh took the silver key and set it in the lock of the case sitting upon the dresser, letting her lover in. When she heard the click from the turning key, her body shook. This is what she had been waiting for all night long. Emaleigh held the petite, heavy hand gun tight in her shaking hands. This moment of bliss would [[outdo]] any other. She laid in the bed[[,]] turning off the remaining light. Pressing the cold metal into her chest, she breathed a sigh of relief. Love making had never been this easy before. The gun was her ticket to freedom, and as she kissed the opening of the gun she could already feel the angels carrying her away.

10:51 pm

“Hello?” asked the police dispatcher.

“I I I I think I just heard a gunshot come from my fiancé’s house.”



Alright, so overall. This isn't my kind of read, but nevertheless, this was pretty well-written. I almost feel a little lost as to what happened and why, however. I don't see why she used all of this preparation to kill herself, or, really, why she killed herself. Actually, when she grabbed the gun, I had full expectation that she'd kill her lover...but of course, that's probably what you were going for. Anyway, this needs to be cleaned up and I would've liked to know a little more about the relationship, but this was written rather well.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Review:

This was an interesting read, I was hooked from the beginning.
As mentioned below, there were a few errors, such as 'smiling' instead of 'smelling'.

With a bit of editing this could be outstanding. The story was hard hitting, interesting, the sexual nature was shocking to read, but I couldn't stop.

Less repetition should be used when it comes to shaving etc, and maybe thicken up the story with regards to the gun, more hints, so at the end its an 'OH YEAH' kind of moment.

But very well done. Really enjoyed this

I'll start here and simply.

She slipped out of her work uniform seductively,

Why do you need this adverb here? You don't. Because look at the rest of your sentence as it continues:

letting her white button down slip off her shoulders and her black slacks fall start(???) to the wood floor.

Do you see how the rest of your sentence made the reader perceive (I suppose) this act as seductive itself? Therefore you've got words here you don't need.

Closing the door she took off her under clothes and walked away from the pile of filthy clothes.

Meh, we do know it's clothes and that they're unlikely filthy. How about this?

Closing the door, she took off her under clothes and walked away from the pile of filth.

This sex would be the best she’d ever had; lustful and passion driven. The euphoria would be so terrific, it wouldn’t even hurt. (slight edit I've done here)

Overall I think a slight edit throughout would do the piece wonders. Try to avoid commonly used phrases!