The first real memory I have of my childhood is of her.
We were six.
She was swinging on the swing set in our garden, her tiny fingers clutching the holders tightly, her golden hair flying in the sun, as if borrowing some of it's color. She had this wide smile on her face, like the universe wasn't big enough to contain her joy, her happiness in that moment. She motioned for me to come and push her higher. I obliged, I don't think there was anything I wouldn't have done to keep that smile on her face for longer, for as long as possible. It was infectious.
I went behind her and pushed the swing. Her laughter rung in the air around us. "Higher!" she screamed and I obliged again. Then the next thing I knew, our father was grabbing me away from there, using force I was unfamiliar with.
"What are you doing?" he shouted, looking over my body as if searching for something. "You could've gotten hurt! What were you thinking?"
I didn't say anything, just looked behind him to where the swing had paused and the laughter had stopped. I saw her watching us with an unreadable expression on her face. But as the sunlight caught her eyes, the same shade of blue as my own, I thought I caught a hint of sadness in those identical dark pools.
I had always known that our parents treated us differently.
I saw it in the same blue dress she always wore and the plate that was never set for her on the dinner table. I used to reason that maybe she had done something, angered them somehow and that's why they didn't love her as much. So I always took the time to remind her that I love her and would never be angry at her like our parents were. But she never minded. She would laugh that same infectious laugh of hers and then make me chase her around the house.
Her favorite game was hide and seek. No matter how many times I asked her not to, she would hide in all these strange corners of the house I didn't even know existed, and then give me the fright of my life by suddenly appearing in front of me. "Surprise!" she would scream into my face and I would fall back surprised and take an extra long time to pick myself and my bruised ego off the floor while she continued howling with laughter that I am sure shook the entire neighborhood.
Those were fun days.
Our parents would leave in the morning for work after dropping us off at school and we would spend the entire afternoon there, giggling at each other every time our eyes met across the room. Then at the end of the day, our nanny would come to collect us and we would walk home singing the songs we had learnt that day in school. People always smiled at us, no matter how deafening our voices were in reality. They would smile and wave and we would march on proudly pretending to own the streets.
Yes, we were pretty weird. And that was probably one of the reasons why neither of us had many friends. But we never cared. We had each other.
Then one day we were playing 'chase' around the house when I slipped and crashed into the dining table. Our nanny rushed to us and began examining the wound in my knee without actually doing anything. It hurt pretty bad but I contained the tears in my eyes because I could see the big ones slipping past her wide eyes as she stood behind the nanny, clasping her hands tight. I explained to the nanny that we were just playing and it was completely my fault. She did not need to tell my parents about this, it was nothing.
However adults often have little regard for the opinions of 7 year old's.
I don't know what exactly she told them, but they grew quite serious and took the next day off so that they could take me to the doctor's. I wasn't very sure what the point was, because my knee had stopped hurting hours ago and also, I was pretty sure the doctor had cheated his way into his cabin, for he asked all kinds of questions that had nothing to do with my knee.
But then again doctors are complicated creatures. All the sickness around them must have robbed all the fun out of their soul because they clearly do not remember how to smile anymore. This one talked with my parents for a long time, and I really, really hate him, because nothing was ever the same once we left from there.
We could feel it in the car ride home; our parents would not smile no matter how many times we tried talking 'cute'. So we simply gave up and sat quietly in the back looking at each other. That night, when it was way past our bed time, we heard our parents arguing down below. We weren't supposed to listen and maybe that is why we tiptoed down the stairs so that we could.
I heard my father's voice first. "It's all your fault! If only you spent half as much time being a mother as you spend in your office, it wouldn't have come to this!"
"O really? It's all my fault now? And he isn't your son, is he? He is just my responsibility."
It was then that I realized that they were arguing about me.
I felt a tug in my hand and allowed her to pull me away into the kitchen. I did not want to listen to them anymore, or even hear them talk to each other in that tone again. I had this sick kind of feeling in my stomach and it was overpowering me each second. I felt her bend down in order to search my face and I tried to reassure her that I was alright but I never got the chance .
Because in that moment suddenly an alarm started ringing through the house nearly deafening my ears, and smoke filled the kitchen. I clutched my chest trying to breathe, but there wasn't enough air in the kitchen. I heard my parents calling my name but it sounded so far away. I fell on my knees and thought I was going to die until I felt her hand grab mine.
I could not understand how she was comforting me at a time like this, but then I realized that she was pulling me up, trying to lead me somewhere....the window. I grabbed the last of the energy I had left in me and followed her. I tried to get up on the window and after much difficulty I succeeded. I sought her face in the smoke and found her eyes staring into mine.
I reached for her but before I could get her, someone grabbed me from the outside and tried to get me down. I started kicking and yelling and telling them to stop, but they wouldn't listen. Tears started flowing from my eyes and my voice turned hoarse from screaming but they wouldn't let me go.
There was so much noise, too much noise. I tried to tell them she was still inside, that she was waiting for me to pull her up, but no one listened.
I did not stop kicking.
Finally I felt a pair of familiar arms and recognized it as my father's.
"Calm down son! We are here, we are here."
I tried to tell him about her, tried to get him to save her, but he just looked at me sadly like he wasn't really listening to a word I was saying. I started kicking him this time. And I screamed until I thought I was going to pass out.
"Calm down!"
"You have to save her! She is still inside! Why won't you listen to me?" I sobbed.
"Listen to me son, we are all here. Everyone is here."
"No, she is still inside!"
"No, you listen to me. She isn't. No one is inside."
"She is, I left her!"
"You didn't. You....you don't have a sister. 'She' is not there. It's just us."
This time I didn't fight it. This time I allowed the darkness to roll over me and steal me away to wherever it was taking me. And then, I saw her eyes, blue like mine, looking up at me through the smoke-filled kitchen.
"Shh...it's alright. We are all here, we are all here."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,557 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
OH love that surprise twist at the end! It's spooky and sad and mysterious - I don't know whether the other child is really imaginary or if the parents hated her so much they let her die, but it's a great surprise ending.
After getting through it, I cycled back and saw some clues you left to hint at the conclusion like the "spot at the table" that was never set etc. the little hint about the doctors -> side note: I think you could go just a little deeper into what those other questions / conversations were - or maybe that they didn't make sense to the boy.
Good things:
Your opening! Gosh "her tiny fingers clutching the holders tightly, her golden hair flying in the sun, as if borrowing some of it's color." so poetic! Love the way you describe their relationship and the visuals there. (small correction "it's" should be -> "its")
Other Thoughts:
I felt in this line: "I felt her bend down in order to search my face and I tried to reassure her that I was alright but I never got the chance ." it was slightly ambiguous in a confusing way with who you were talking about -> since you were just previously describing the mom and dad, and then we here "her" so I first assumed it was the mother rather than sister. I also think "I felt her bend down" is a bit confusing to visualize what that means -> maybe "I sensed her bend down" or just "she bent down to search my face".
You use a technique of long sentences and then very short statement sentences to move the piece along - I thought this mostly worked, though I thought the off-set of "Those were fun days. " was a little awkward; maybe because of the different ways "fun' could be taken as more sarcastically / ironic. It doesn't feel like an important enough sentence to be off-set from the preceeding paragraph.
I was trying to discern if there was some color symbolism you were using from the gold at the beginning, the blue dress, and blue eyes, but wasn't quite sure that you went there. I guess the color blue was supposed to show their connection / maybe that the girl was a part of them especially with the title reference. That's always a nice technique to use in short stories though, and might be interesting to explore a bit more, or try to use that gold / sun imagery a second time to pull out some implied symbolism.
Overall I think this was a fantastic read - good length, nice quick characterization and I could totally see an AP-lit class analyzing this and having fun with it. I'd consider submitting to short story publications / contests if I were you - it was very compelling!
All the best,
alliyah
Thanks again for the review!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: So, this was a really fun little story here...I loved the idea that you have here. Its a little harder to see exactly what the message here is, but despite the general saddish, this one actually put a smile on my face.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh....well we have ourselves a really wholesome beginning on this one, which frankly is terrifying, cause as a write you just know that stories which start with happy memories and fun times like this are often about to take us into the worst kind of danger right after this...
Well...usually it takes a bit longer than just this to get to the bad stuff, but well, I suppose we're getting into that one right away here. Quite a powerful way to do this too that you've got right here...you can immediately see how the happy and innocent scene is interrupted by this sudden influx of sadness not just in the actions but also in the faces that you describe here.
Aww...well it looks like this person here is a pretty gentle soul there to be able to accept something like that and not be bitter but rather to accept the love that is in fact given and then go ahead and make the most of it as best they can...that is a properly beautiful message right there.
Hmm...well this is going along pretty happily so far, we had that minor setback in the start, but I like this is echoing the message of these two being there for each other and loving each other. You get to see a nice series of happy memories there of them enjoying themselves...and well, its a lovely little highlight reel of wholesomeness there.
Well, on one hand I'm inclined to think the doctor could actually be blowing something out of proportion, but then the opinions of doctors tend to be right sometimes, so I just get the feeling that we've got something going on here that was discovered as a side effect of this scraped knee. I really hope its not some rare fatal disease, those are usually the suspects in situations like this one.
Well...that escalated quite quickly from that point there...oh dear...it looks like whatever the doctor said, it had to have been ridiculously serious for the parents to start arguing like that and then to completely ignore the children. Now I'm certainly getting very suspicious as to where this one could possibly be heading here.
Hmm, well it looks like we have ourselves a bit of an emergency here, oh dear..this is not about to end well is it...I have a feeling we're about to lose this girl here...I can just feel it...there's no other reasonable conclusion based on the context of what has so far been established here.
Well that's the second time that something has happened immediately I predicted, oh wow, well I suppose I can't really confirm that the girl is definitely not getting rescued, but this is definitely heading that way...although I am now starting to wonder how the parents got outside like this and only reach in with the windows to get the children, would they not run outside with the children?
Okay...now this is ringing alarm bells of a different sort here...even if this girl was someone that didn't get as much love from the parents, I don't think any parent would ever just leave a little girl to die like that...okay...so..hmm...I might have to reevaluate what the rest of those signs could've indicated...the father being afraid of him hurting himself when he was just pushing the girl, there being no place set...why do I get the feeling this girl is either an imaginary friend or more likely a ghost of some sort?
I need to stop predicting these things in advance...oh dear....I have no idea how I got this lucky...but well isn't that a lovely reveal...it makes for a very interesting ending, its not a straight sad one...but its not...exactly happy either.
Yeah that last line certainly is something that leaves you thinking quite a bit there...well well...and so this is how this was chosen to end...I have to say this is a pretty interesting message here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid story, the one issue if anything I'd point out is the parents not immediately running out with the child and that transition from the doctor to the fire scene, it feels a bit abrupt. Other than that, this was a lovely read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
`
Hi RandomTalks,
Mailice here with a short review!
The more I read, the more I got goosebumps. Mainly because I was led down a wrong path, I thought that the problem or main issue you wanted to present was probably a disease that the sister has. Subsequently, I thought it might be the boy who might have the glass-bone disease. But I didn't expect that.
It was a lovely and well written story. You start off with a lovely start, great and outstanding word choice and fleshed out sentence structure. It reads smoothly and well, as if from a text book. I really liked the way the story was told from the boy's eyes, and how you used the effect of the imaginary sister to create confusion in the reader, right up to the end. Especially at the beginning with the swing, I was mindful that the father didn't mean the boy with his statement, but the sister, that she could hurt herself. I like the way you built that up in the dialogue.
After reading it a second time, you also notice that the parents don't take any notice of the girl, and neither does the nanny, which of course you don't notice the first time you read it. I think you have created something very eerie here, not in the sense of creepy or horrified, but more in the form of a child's point of view that cannot distinguish reality from fiction. Now, of course, I wonder how this disorder arose in the boy.
I really have nothing to criticise here. I really liked the story and it has that typical way of you creating a plot twist that you didn't expect.
Some other points that caught my eye:
I like how you start off, building some kind of interesting tension, but you kind of do it twice with your two sentences/paragraphs. Either try to write it in one sentence, or rephrase it something like this: "The first real memory I have of my childhood was when whe (or she and I) were six." This way you build new interest and give the reader the urge to know more about "she".
This is really a very beautiful sentence and I like the way you have formulated it. There's something in it where you'd think the narrator was not only seeing the sadness in her eyes, but in his as well.
I would replace the second "surprised" with perhaps "in astonishment".
In the opening of the text you mention that they are both 6 years old. Either you need to add somewhere how they are getting older or change the number.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Thank you for the review! Most people don't seem to get or like this story, but I personally enjoyed writing this, so this means a lot! Thanks again!
Hey RandomTalks! Forever here with a review!
I will get to the tiny nitpicks first:
"She had that wide smile on her face, like the universe wasn't big enough to contain her joy, her happiness in that moment."
Now to the story itself. Is it sister an imaginary human being? Seems so. It's like the person used to imagine the sister. Maybe he wished he had a sister in his life but as he didn't get it, he became imaginary and started to imagine. The first evidence we get is the very first line. "Real experience" that was an irony in my opinion. Now, the swinging part. The way his father treated him and removed him from the back of the swing also made me think that. The reaction of his father would have been quite strange if I consider that her sister is existent. Now, the fire scenario. His imagination actually helped him to get out of the house and save his own life. However, it also gave him grief and a lot of negative emotions. So, you kind of showed that everything has its own odds and ends. He is so imaginary that he has even made up a story of his sister and how his parents treated her.
Now, I can be extremely wrong in this interpretation as there is no clear evidence or mention of what I told in the story. It's just what I could interpret from it. Good job with the descriptions of the characters and the settings. Talking about the pace, it too was quite good. I could understand the haste when the fire got caught.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
So this is amazing. I really enjoyed it, and the writing style. But I've seen so many negative comments on posts today, so instead of making people happy, I'm going to confuse them.
1. Food Vs Drink
In the English language, you can drink a drink but you don't food a food.
- me and apparently quite a few other people on the internet
2. Living Room
Can you die in a living room? Has anyone ever died in a living room? It would be the most ironic death to have. If somebody dies in a living room, is it still a living room?
3. Multi universe Theory
If the multi-universe theory is true, is there a universe where it isn't?
4. Fly
If a fly losses its wings is it now a walk?
5. Lightning McQueen
Would Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?
6. Pinocchio
What would happen if Pinocchio said his nose was going to grow?
7. Rainday
If it rains on a Sunday does that mean that it's now Rainday?
8. Bedroom
When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room but less bedroom.
9. Blind Dreams
Can a blind person see their dreams?
10. Cinderella
If her outfit was supposed to disappear at midnight, why did her shoe not go away too? Also if Cinderella's shoes fit perfectly to her feet, why did one fall off in the first place?
11. Moonwalking
If you moonwalk on the moon, are you just walking?
12. Cookies & Bacon
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
13. Deaf Thoughts
If someone is born deaf, what language do they think in? Do they think in written words and pictures? Do they think in sign language?
14. Seaweed
If you were to smoke weed at sea, does that make it seaweed?
15. OMG
Would Jesus Christ say "oh my God" or "oh my dad"?
16. Race
If you were in a race by your self, would you finish in first or last?
17. Driving
Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?
18. Sweater
If you sweat in a sweater, does that make you the sweater?
19. Mars
When Mars becomes colonized, will anyone born there be considered a Martian?
20. Fetch
What if the dog brings the toy, ball, or stick back to you just because they think you enjoy throwing it and want to make you happy?
- me
21. Tomato
If tomatoes are really a fruit, is ketchup a jelly/jam?
22. Water
If humans are mostly water, does that mean that Earth is mostly human?
23. I'm Sorry
I'm sorry and I apologize have the exact same meaning unless you are at a funeral.
24. Building
Why is a building called a building if it's already built?
25. Apple Houses
If Apple were to make houses, would the houses have Windows?
26. God
Assuming the bible and Christianity are real, God created us but who created God? Did he create himself and if so how? Did somebody else create him and if so, does that mean that there really is more than one God but he's too egotistical to acknowledge this since he wants all attention on himself? And who would have made the God that made God? Did the big bang perhaps make God instead? If the big bang made God, is that a good enough thought/explanation to how the world was created, that would make both scientists and religious people happy and thus bringing upon peace between the two very different ways of thinking?
Also what if God stays in Heaven and doesn't interact with us as much anymore because he actually fears what he has created?
- Me and quite a few other people on the internet
27. Age-Old Question
If it was possible to eat all of yourself would you become twice as big or would you disappear?
- Pretty much everyone
28. "Dora The Explorer"
If Dora is an explorer, why does she only visit mapped areas?
29. Answers
If you replace the w with a t in what, where, when, you have an answer.
30. Hitler
What would have happened if Hitler would have got accepted into the Vienna art school? Would Hitler ever have got into politics at all? Would he still have written "Mein Kampf" or became such a powerful leader? Would there still have been Jew hatred and concentration camps? Would Germany have even been in world war 2? Would we be studying Adolf Hitler as a great artist with a charismatic personality instead of a powerful dictator that many will agree is a horrible person?
- Me
31. Holy Shit
If you take a shit at church does that make it a holy shit?
32. Fossils
I the future, will modern humans ever be dug up and displayed at a museum-like we did to dinosaur fossils and to the cavemen? Will there ever be a human version of Jurassic Park in which humans have the dino roles and the human roles will be replaced by whatever is the future's newest highest position life form and will this life form think that this Jurassic Park is something they came up with all their own?
- me
33. Radiation
In Japan, radiation makes giant monsters like Godzilla but in America, radiation creates superheroes.
34. Is Life Really Unfair?
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn't that make life fair?
35. History
History classes are only going to get longer and more difficult as time goes on.
36. Fire
Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
37. Time is Money
If time is money, is an ATM a time machine?
A
Time
Machine
38. Lasagna
Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.
39. Argument
If two vegans or vegetarians argue, is it still considered beef?
40. Nine Months
If babies are in the womb for 9 months, why aren't they considered 9 months old when they are born?
41. Packages
Deliveries by ships are cargo and deliveries by car are shipments.
42. Home Work
If a teacher gives a homeless kid homework, is it still considered homework?
43. Actions
They say actions speak louder than words but isn't speaking an action?
44. Speed Run
Would every Sonic play though be considered a speed run?
45. Cheese Cake
Cheesecake is secretly a pie.
- my brother Chris, some of his friends, and me.
46. Clapping
Clapping is repeatedly hitting yourself because you like something.
47. Grammar Nazi
The person who would proofread Hitler's speeches was a grammar nazi.
48. Dirt
Whenever you dig up a rock or some dirt, that could be the first time it has seen the sun in millions of years.
49. Ninjas
What if every country has ninjas and we only know about Japan's ninjas because they are so bad at being ninjas?
Thanks for the review. I am sorry I did not really understand what the rest of it was, but I hope you are having a good day!
the point was to confuse you
Well done then. I am hoping to figure it out one day.
Nice twist! I genuinely didn't see it coming. I have a couple critiques, though. The "Then one day we were playing 'chase'..." paragraph is very slow, you might want to try eliminating a few sentences from it so it reads quicker. Aside from this, your prose is a little unpolished. I'd recommend editing a few more times. Another thing about prose is that it comes down to how much you practice, so you'll get more polished as time goes on.
Thanks for the review!
Woah, I did not expect that twist at the end. But I was totally absorbed from the first sentence. The voice in this is really strong and you did an excellent job creating your characters. It really feels like the story is being told by your protagonist.
As a simple, general note for cleaning up your prose (not that it needs much cleaning up:), I wouldn't use the word pretty as an amount modifier. It's often unnecessary, and it's not very specific.
Again, excellent job with this! I look forward to reading more of your work!
Thanks for the review!