Young Writers Society

It was late afternoon. The sky was overcast with dark clouds that loomed over the horizon, just looking for a way to break free and rain showers over the earth. The wind was unfeeling- it didn't carry relief, just a foreboding taste of what was about to come. The streets were empty, it seemed like the entire place had been vacated in preparation of the storm. And the birds were lonely in the sky, flying in flocks towards what seemed like a singular destination.

Julia sat by the headstone, her knees drawn up to her chest, her eyes trained on the single piece of stone, as if willing it to be something it it was not. She did not care about a storm. She did not care if the sky broke free or if the earth swallowed her whole. She was going to sit there and wait, just as she had been waiting for the past six months to understand how her life could have changed so drastically over such a short period of time; how her sister could be there one minute, laughing and making waves in the air with her hands, and then simply just not exist anymore.

It had been six months since the accident, six months since she had begged her sister to drive her over to a friend's house for a late night party. It had been winter and the streets were nearly empty. When it suddenly started to snow, they could no longer contain their excitement and began yelling and singing into the night. That was when the other car came. The screech of the tires was the only thing she heard before everything turned black.

Two hours later she woke up in a hospital and learned that her sister was no longer in the world. She was dead, gone forever.

The doctor had assured them that she had not suffered, that she went away without knowing that she was going. Her mother had cried. Her father had consoled her. And all the while, she was numb.

Just as she was now. Just as she had been for the past six months. Numb.

She pulled her knees closer to her chest and tried breathing evenly. In and out. People claimed that it was a great trick to regain control over oneself. But she disagreed. What was there to control? It was over. She was gone. And was not coming back.

The leaves on the ground made a scrunching sound and she turned her head to catch a shadow. It was a girl. She had seen her several times in the last six months- sometimes coming in, sometimes leaving and sometimes just standing in the corner, still like a statue, but always alone. She felt a kind of empathy for the girl, which to be honest was the most she had felt in months. She saw in her a kindred soul, who had lost as she had and who was alone just as she was. Sometimes their paths would cross and they would nod or share a quick smile of sympathy and understanding. But today she spoke up.

"Hello?"

The leaves protested some more and soon she was standing in front of her in her usual shirt and jeans. She actually could not remember seeing her in anything else. Always the same clothes, always with her hair twisted twisted away from her face in the same bun- neat and tidy, so unlike her sister. She shook her head to clear such thoughts.

The girl smiled. She had a kind smile.

"Bad day to be out, isn't it?" she asked.

"Didn't stop us."

The girl smiled. "True".

When neither said anything else, the girl spoke up, "Is it okay if I sit here? It's too quiet here today."

Julia didn't know what else to say, so she nodded.

"Are you sure? I don't want to disturb you."

"You won't."

She shifted on the ground to make space for her. After they were both resting against the headstone, no one said anything for a while. It was a comfortable silence, one that was better off without being disturbed by words. Julia was sick of it.

"If you don't mind my asking, who did you lose?"

"Someone very close to me."

"Oh".

When she didn't say anything further, Julia turned away thinking that maybe she didn't want to talk about it.

"Do you miss them?" she asked again.

"Every day. Every moment. I don't know how to escape it. I don't know if it's possible."

Julia nodded, she understood her. She understood this stranger more than she had understood the last six months of her life. Julia has been so alone. And for a moment here with the girl who had lost as well, she hadn't felt the same anymore. Maybe that is what gave her the freedom to talk.

"Who is that?" the girl asked.

"That is my sister," she said without turning away from the headstone in front of them, "Her name was Helen. She passed away in a car accident last winter."

"I heard about that one," she said softly. "How are you dealing with it?"

"I'm not. It's like you said. I don't know how to. I don't know if I can. There's this....endless emptiness inside me that I try to contain, try to understand, try to make peace with so that I can move on, but every time I try, it just fills me up and consumes me from the inside until there is nothing else left anymore."

The girl nodded like she understood her too.

"Do you?" she asked.

"Excuse me?" Julia said.

"Do you really want to move on? Because spending each and every single day in a graveyard, staring at a stone isn't the way to go about."

Julia turned on her with a laugh. "You are one to talk. You spend each and every single day in here too. I have seen you!"

"Well, I am not the one who said she wants to move on!"

"Whatever."

No one said anything for a while. Julia felt bad for accusing her that way. She was probably the only person who hadn't treated her like a basket case and here she was pushing her away. She sighed.

"No, I don't."

"Why not?"

Julia just shook her head. "It's not fair."

The girl nodded. "I get it."

Julia turned to her surprised. "You agree?"

"I am not saying that I agree. I am just saying that I understand. Besides, I don't think moving on is something that can be accomplished when the world decides it's time or when we decide, for the matter. We have to really want it. Even then, it's not so easy. It will cripple you at first, the thought of living without the person you have known your entire life. It will engulf you and destroy you, until you can't stand anymore. But you will, because this is life and life will demand you to make a stand. So you will stand and you will fall. Again and again until the pain becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it. That is when you will truly become a survivor."

Julia could already feel the pain crushing her chest at her words. She gulped.

"I will never stop missing her."

"You won't."

"Then what is the point?"

"I don't know. Maybe, someday, at some point in the future when it isn't so dark anymore, we will understand why we fought through our suffering instead of giving into it. Maybe someday it will even become worth it. Who knows?"

Julia nodded. No one said anything for a while. But Julia felt like she needed to say this. "Thanks for this. I just needed...to talk, you know?"

"Don't you talk with your parents?"

Julia hesitated. "I...it's complicated."

"How so?"

She didn't say anything and wouldn't meet her eyes but could feel her gaze burning her steadily.

"You feel guilty," she surmised, "You think they blame you for her death because you think it is your fault, don't you?"

Julia wouldn't look up. She didn't want to talk anymore. She didn't even want to be there. The tears collected behind her eyes but she promised herself she wouldn't cry.

"It was my fault. I asked her to drive."

"But you didn't know what was gonna happen. No one did. Does that make it everybody's fault then?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't. Sometimes things happen. You can't control them. But that doesn't make it anybody's fault."

Julia shook her head. "It should have been me. She didn't deserve it."

"And you do?"

"No one does."

Julia could feel her stare as though it reached directly into her "Your parents don't blame you, so you need to stop blaming yourself. If not for your sake then for theirs, because they lost a daughter too."

She thought about it. Really thought about it.

"And they need to know I am still here," Julia released the breath she didn't realize she had been holding in. "God, I have been so selfish! I know what you are saying, but I just couldn't do it. I don't know why, I just couldn't."

"You were just afraid."

Julia didn't say anything, just stared up at the sky instead. "I really thought it was going to rain."

"Not every cloud that's close to bursting needs to rain in order to make way for clear skies. Sometimes they contain their tears and just float away."

Julia shook her head. "I don't get it. You are still dealing with this yourself. I have seen you standing alone in the corner all day. How are you....so fine?"

She laughed. " I am not, in any way, fine. But I have seen a lot. And I have seen people grieve a lot. Death seems like an friend to me now."

Julia felt sad for her, this girl, so close to her own age, talking about death like an old aquaintance. No one should have to go through life to reach a point like that.

"I am sorry".

"Don't be. It's okay."

Julia shook her head sadly. "No it's not. But I wish you all the happiness in the world."

They sat there and talked until the light faded completely from the sky. As she walked home in the evening, Julia could feel it sitting in one corner of her being - the pain, the memories, the regrets. But as she walked inside their home and greeted her mother with a smile, she learned for the first time to make space for other things, brighter things. Because they existed. She just needed to remember to believe in it.

She told her mother about her afternoon but then realized she hadn't even asked the girl her name. Classic her. Spent the entire afternoon with someone without asking their name.

"You know the girl in the jeans and shirt? Always wears her hair in a bun and stands in that corner of the graveyard?" she tried to explain. "You just saw her last Sunday when we went to drop the flowers. She was the only one there. We crossed paths and she waved. Remember?"

Her mother smiled. "Honey, you must be mistaken. There wasn't anybody there that day."

"She was. Maybe you don't remember."

"How can I not? Last Sunday was yesterday, honey. And she was not there. It's okay you can introduce us some day."

But Julia didn't say anything. Because Sunday was yesterday and she remembered seeing her clearly, in her same jeans and shirt, hair tied up in the same bun, standing in the same corner of the graveyard every time she went there.

Who was she, who wore the same clothes? Who talked of death like an old friend? Who had seen people grieve?

Did she ever leave the graveyard? Or was that her home?