Young Writers Society

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Characters:I have read some of your stories and most of them seem to have siblings, may it be brother and sister, brother and brother or sister and sister. I couldn't find the last one tho. Anyway, I like it. Now onto this story. Max and Patty obviously understand each other and are very friendly. They seem to be each other's conpainion in doing all sorts of mischiefs and also they seem to love nature. Talking about their parents, I wonder why they arr fighting over a T.V.(write it as T.V.; Tv doesn't have any meaning). Fighting over a T.V. is the worst idea in a rainy day when you have all sorts of problems like a power cut, lighting, etc. However, it's kind of ironical how the children are not fighting over it, ah that is what children do nowadays. It actually contributed in developing their character in the story.

Setting:A rainy day. I love rain. You used strong descriptive language to flesh out the whole thing rather than saying it was just a rainy day. There's not much to say about the setting, I think.

Plot:I just had a question. What is thw function of glue and wax in making a paper boat? I don't know. There must be many types of paper boats in existence. I do have a suggestion. The typical and the most common model of a paper boat looks like this I believe.

If it's so, it's an origami and glue has no function in it. Now if you are referring to a specific model, I just recommend giving a bit of description about the making process. Ut will help the readers to imagine better. Now the plot itself. It's great how you chose such a simple topic to write a story and portrayed the emotions so well. It kind of shows how children love playing and how they love it the most above many other things.
Tone:The tone was quite good. It had an emotional arc in it where first of all they are quite happy and then Patty becomes a bit sad about the parents and then again back to happy.

Overall, another great story.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

Hey there, I enjoyed reading your story. There are many descriptive words which really makes the story interesting and eye-catching. one of my favorite was:" Thunder rumbled in the sky, lighting it up with sudden flashes of white light. The rain drops hit against the roofs without much mercy, and the streets collected all these tears that the sky had suddenly exploded with."

Hi there!
I would love to share my thoughts on your story.

You have such an amazing opening line, which can honestly make or break a story, but yours definitely MAKES it.

"The black clouds had gathered out of nowhere, and descended upon the people without any warning, disrupting their routines and pulling them out of their structured plans for the day."
(You use very strong, descriptive language here such as "descended", "disrupting", and "pulling" which helped me to better visualize what was happening).

"Thunder rumbled in the sky, lighting it up with sudden flashes of white light." (This is just me, but I would recommend restructuring thiss sentence to make more of an impact and help it flow a little better, i.e "The sky lit up with sudden flashes of white light while the thunder rumbled loudly," or something like that.)

"The rain drops hit against the roofs without much mercy, and the streets collected all these tears that the sky had suddenly exploded with." (I love the way you describe the rain as tears, it definitely stirs emotions).

I got so caught up in the description of your first paragraph I was expecting something extreme to happen, but then when you panned to a simple scene of the boy watching his brother make a paper boat, it created some very nice juxtaposition. I was a little thrown off at first, but I really liked it.

""Shut up Patty," Max said without taking his eyes off the boat.

"But this is taking so long!" he complained.

"Why don't you do something other than whine, huh? Go bring me the glue, I think I left it in the kitchen," Max said." (This is nitpicky I know, but I would recommend replacing one of the instances where you use "Max said" in this dialogue with a different word like "Max responded" or "Max snapped", so that there is less repetitiveness, and the emotion behind the dialogue is more strongly expressed).

"To say he was excited would be an understatement. He was thrilled. He had made boats before, but they never stood in the water for longer than five seconds." (This made me laugh. I can relate to Patty's lack of paper boat-making skills).

"A flash of lightning lit up the sky for a second, making shadows on the table." (Again, this is just me but I would recommend replacing "making" in regards to the shadows with a stronger verb, i.e "casting" or "projecting").

""If you had just bought the Tv I had picked out for us then maybe there would be something to watch on this damned day!" he heard his father's voice booming through the living room." (I love how you used "booming" when describing his father's voice, which mirrored the thunder outside. There seems to be a storm brewing inside the house.)

""At least I am doing something! And what are you doing? Lounging on the couch and drinking your beers all day!"

"Well it was my money that bought you those pretty clothes, you know? You should be more grateful," he said in a tone that made the hair on Patty's arm stand up in alarm.

"You know what? I am! I am grateful for those beers you keep drowning yourself in. Because at least when you drink yourself to death, there will be one less mouth to feed. You are just useless!""
(This dialogue is very tense but you wrote it very well. I think you did a good job of portraying the fight through the boy's perspective as well.)

"Max looked at him for a while and then pulled him into his arms. He could tell that he was trying to comfort him because Max hated hugging him, or rather, people in general." (This line hit me real deep).

"He held Max's hand and they watched it float down the street, a little reluctantly at first and then swiftly and steadily. He looked up at Max and watched the tiny drops of rain shine on his black hair. A single ray of sunlight pierced through the clouds, like a torch in a dark room. It wasn't enough to light up the sky, but it was still something." (I love everything about this paragraph: the imagery you used to describe the sunlight, and the way that the sunlight is a symbol of the brothers' companionship in the midst of the storms both inside and outside the home).

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed the way you told the story through Patty's perspective, and you did a good job of interpreting the events through the eyes of a 7 year old. I believe you mentioned that you wrote this story to help with writer's block, but this story was seriously so well written, I can't imagine what your non-writer's block stories must be like! This story is a gem!

Great job!
Poetry Misfit

HELLO HELLO! ^_^ This story caught my eye, and I would love to leave you a review :) I lightly skimmed through the other wonderful reviews you have gotten, so if I mention anything someone has already brought up, I do apologize! I really am not trying to be repetitive :)

The black clouds had gathered out of nowhere, and descended upon the people without any warning, disrupting their routines and pulling them out of their structured plans for the day.

Thunder rumbled in the sky, lighting it up with sudden flashes of white light.

the streets collected all these tears that the sky had suddenly exploded with.

For the seven year old boy in his room, it didn't matter much if the sky decided to drown the earth. All that mattered to him was the paper boat,

He watched Max fold the paper intricately, his eyebrow scrunched in concentration. He could not take it anymore, the excitement of sailing his first paper boat of the year getting the better of him.

"How is this taking so long? Hurry up!"

"Shut up Patty," Max said without taking his eyes off the boat.

"But this is taking so long!" he complained.

He had no problem recognizing the source however, he had only heard it so many times in his short life.

Patty flinched as he watched his father get up, his voice increasing in volume until it almost drowned out the rain outside.

He could tell that he was trying to comfort him because Max hated hugging him, or rather, people in general.

Max seemed to agree and they both made their way downstairs, Patty all wrapped up in Max's raincoat.

It was black and muddy and Patty loved it. He bent down on the ground and set his paper boat steadily on the water. It really was magnificent.

"Hey Max?" he called, "Don't worry, I will always help you sail your boats." Max smiled, but didn't say anything.

This time, he laughed and held his hand just a little more tightly.

Hi RandomTalks,

Mailice here with a short review!

This is a very beautiful and heartwarming story you've written. I love how you build up the sibling relationship here and despite all the beautiful things they have, there is a brief slap in the face with the parents incident. You create it in an extremely good situation that doesn't feel fake or artificial, but real. It feels good to read (even if the argument isn't that great) because it doesn't come across as clichéd, but as if it (the relationship) was a volcano that is only now coming to erupt.

You also manage to make me not think the story was what you were going for at the beginning. I thought it was just a great, uplifting short story that wanted to motivate the reader. But now, even seeing the title, I realise how quickly paper can break, and also how much you can cut yourself on paper. I see this boat that Max and Patty like the parents' relationship. It floats on the water and yet one day it can collapse.

You create an excellent atmosphere with your good style - especially with the introduction and one is immediately drawn in as a reader, into the childlike streak that the two siblings have. I especially like how the story gets to the end with Patty wishing to become a sailor. It makes it all the sadder when as a reader you don't know how the story will end and what the future will be like. I hope it all works out.

Stylistically, you have a good writing style. I haven't found anything dramatic now that needs to be changed or improved in any way. You create tension and emotion in your lines and paragraphs that go to my heart a lot. I like that. It seemed in parts like you were just writing down what your heart wanted to pour out.

Here are some things that struck me while reading:

Shops pulled down their shutters, people ran for shelter and the dogs, well, they just disappeared.

For the seven year old boy in his room, it didn't matter much if the sky decided to drown the earth.

He bounced around the room and said, "How is this taking so long? Hurry up!"

"If you had just bought the Tv I had picked out for us then maybe there would be something to watch on this damned day!"

I make the boats Patty and you sail them.

A single ray of sunlight pierced through the clouds, like a torch in a dark room. It wasn't enough to light up the sky, but it was still something.

Hi! Spunky here to review!

No one saw it coming.

The black clouds had gathered out of nowhere, and descended upon the people without any warning, disrupting their routines and pulling them out of their structured plans for the day. Shops pulled down their shutters, people ran for shelter and the dogs, well, they just disappeared. Thunder rumbled in the sky, lighting it up with sudden flashes of white light. The rain drops hit against the roofs without much mercy, and the streets collected all these tears that the sky had suddenly exploded with.

Nice beginning! It brings some drama into the story already. I really like the description as well. Especially the part where you say that the streets were collecting tears.

However as the noise of the thunder receded from his ears, he heard something else -

A comma is needed after however

You calling me stupid woman? A comma is needed before woman

He could tell that he was trying to comfort him because Max hated hugging him, or rather, people in general.

They finished the boat and Max even let him apply the wax this time. He still snapped at him a lot and told him he was doing everything wrong, but Patty had a feeling he didn't really mean any of it. Also it made him forget about the voices downstairs and he felt strangely weightless as they both looked out the window and waited for the rain to slow down.

This bit of description and the paragraph is nice, both because it show something about Max’s character, and that Max understands what is going on and is sorry for his brother.

Overall: This is a nice story! I kinda think that the first paragraph was in a bit different voice and tone then the rest of the story. It seems a bit off. Other than that, you did a fantastic job.

Hi there, Spearmint (mint) here with a review! ^-^ I loved the dynamics between Max and Patty in this story, and the ending was really heartwarming. I also appreciated the way you set the scene with all this rain and stormy weather, and the figuratively stormy situation with the parents, and then you described this sweet moment between two siblings making the most out of the rain. :3 Overall, I really enjoyed reading this short story!

Okay, but this is a review, so here are a couple points you might want to think about! (Each of these are just my opinion, though, so take them with a grain of salt C: )

Firstly, your opening sentence is a neat hook (wondering what "it" is made me want to read on), but I'm not completely sure how it ties into the rest of the story. This sentence makes me think of the potential consequences of something that's completely unforeseen, but the main story seems to be related to Patty and Max sailing paper boats. With the hook you use, the readers might expect a story more related to characters having to adjust to what they didn't see coming, or something about change. So... perhaps you could think about grabbing the reader's attention a slightly different way, like a line of dialogue from either Max or Patty, or a description of the water filling the streets or something? This line is pretty powerful, in my opinion: "...if the sky decided to drown the earth." A hook like that could potentially work. Feel free not to take this suggestion, though! It's just usually a good idea to keep in mind what the readers will be expecting from your first sentence. :]

The part about Patty bouncing around the room while Max was making the boat made me smile. I don't have any siblings myself, but I was able to visualize Max's exasperation and Patty's impatience through your use of dialogue. I thought it sounded really natural, so great job with that!

Now for a few specifics~

The rain drops hit against the roofs without much mercy...

Patty got up and almost ran down the stairs.

...he had only heard it so many times in his short life.

It was black and muddy and Patty loved it.

Hey, there! I really like this short story. It is engaging and heartwarming. A lot of stories by young writers seem to focus on teens in the center of the conflict, but I like the fresh perspective of using a child.

For the most part, your punctuation and grammar are really good. Great job with separating dialogue with paragraph breaks. This makes it professional and easy to read. Here's one spot where I saw a slight issue. It is in the sentence, "Patty looked up at him with tears in his eyes and said, "What's going to happen?" he mumbled in a shaky voice, and flinched as the voices in the living room grew into shouting." You have the dialogue tag "said" right before the quotation, but you also have the tag "he mumbled in a shaky voice" right after the quotation. Both dialogue tags aren't necessary, especially since they are placed in the same sentence here.

One thing I really like about this story is your creative, interesting wording. You've done well with adding flavor and color without getting too fancy with your word choice. You have a nice style. Great job.

This is so great. You mix just the right amount of poetry into a plain and simple story to help the emotion grab. The perspective and characterization is perfect too.