I'm very 'Meh' about this one. Would like feedback. Thankyou. ~P
~*~
there is a hurricane
howling outside my window. the scarlet draperies
are flaxen hair in the wind.
boxes of light being blown;
gently--gently blown
until the light pools in perturbed, wavering lines
on the asphalt; the sky fumes and smokes
like shipwrecks against the grey, stolid metal, stolid railway lines,
stolid glass. cracked asphalt and dust
caught up in the roots of an oak by the wayside.
moaningandcreakingandmoaningandcreaking.
there is a hurricane
howling outside my window. the scarlet draperies
are ruptured arteries in the wind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~&~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
there is a downpour of broken comets the sky salivated
and painted in greasy colours.
it is wet and monotonous; and frightening when the thunder crashes
against the glass. it gets louder and louder and I can hear
screaming.
I think it's the heavens crying out in agony.
or it might be the ground screaming. the trees screaming.
the people screaming.
yellsandcries.cacophonyandyellsandcries
there is a downpour of broken comets the sky salivated.
windows and comets don't really support symbiosis, I guess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~&~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the streets are filled with blood from the sky.
it is dark and grotesque, people drifting like misshapen logs
over the squalid moors. broken bits of stone and metal and rubble
and voices bubbling through the liquid.
spiderwebs line my window, hairline cracks
that turn to dust when you touch them.
scarlet ribbons sway in the wind.
silence. silence. silence.
there is a sea of blood flooding the streets, white blood cells
and red blood cells, and phagocytes swimming along--now dead.
if only there were flowers on their watery graves.
their watery graves are on the flowers.
spiderwebs trace fissures across my window, hairline cracks
that turn to dust when you touch them.
scarlet ribbons sway in the wind; the sky bleeds freely.
there was a hurricane.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey, you asked for feedback, and I feel like you haven't gotten too much.
That's probably because this, like all your poems are so magical to people who don't write with your writing style (which means everyone. I've never met anyone who captured the surreality and dreaminess that your poems embody. It's a pleasant feeling.)
As per usual, I could go on and on with praise about this. Don't forget that. But you asked for feedback and you're gonna get it!
What I'm mostly focusing on is what makes sense, and what needs more... grounding.
First section:
I thought this part was a little strange because you describe something as scarlet, then flaxen. These are two different colors if I'm not mistaken. "flaxen" refers to like really blonde hair, so scarlet wouldn't really work with it.
I have no idea what you mean by this, nor how it relates to the poem. I can't picture it. You say the light pools, but what kind of light are we talking about here? The reader needs some sort of grounding to base these swirling images on.
This started out okay, but then I got confused. What does the metal have to do with the sky. When something's "fuming and smoking" I imagine it's going up, and obscuring. But there's hardly anything above the sky but the stars. I don't know how metal got up there unless we're standing on our heads.
The part about the oak actually makes sense, as does the rest of this section.
Section 2:
Ooh man. *bows to the master of connotation*
"salivated" and "greasy" give such a horrid connotation, it's wonderful~
I actually understood this part, for the most part. I don't have any complaints at all because the tone was perfect, and I love the last two lines with all my heart. I like how you're repeating the first line. It's a really effective technique.
Section 3:
I'm not quite sure what liquid you're referring to here.
So here I get two images. One is that they literally are spiderwebs. One is that they literally are cracks in the window.
I liked that you separated the italics with spaces this time, showing the silence in between.
You say "watery" graves, and I'm wondering if you meant like, blood is watery? Maybe you could clarify that.
I'm a little confused about all this blood coming from the sky. Is it actually bleeding, or is it just red, or is it just rain? I would like to knowww.
As for all-out composition, this went together really well. You took a theme and stuck with it. You kept it up the whole way, and tied things together. Very good job.
I hope this helps.
Great job as always, keep writing!
~fortis
Aah, thank you for this! Very helpful. ^^
Now this was a very good piece of literature. I do believe it's one of the best I've read on this site, though i do have some very small comments.
While your use of imagery and vocabulary is impeccable, I feel that it is limited by your use of verbs. The work goes from complex to simple in an instant, leaving it uneven in some areas. That unevenness can further take away from the other vocabulary by giving the appearance that you are simply trying too hard to sound educated. I, of course, have no way of knowing the truth, so it's definitely something you may want to consider in future writings.
All in all, very good poem. I enjoyed reading it. By the way, as this is my first review on the site, please excuse anything I may have done inappropriately. I'll learn from example in the coming weeks.
Alright I thought this poem was really good, one of teh best one I have ever read in my entire life, and trust me i have read a lot of poems, also, I am hurrying thi because i have to go... oh wait i can't i have to go now it's really important sorry for this crappy review. bye
This is an amazing poem!!! This is the best one I have every read!!! I like how you use imagery and the concept of the rain bleeding from the sky and the aftermath of the hurricane using stuff like misshapen logs, voices bubbling from the liquid, and scarlet ribbons in the wind.
I confused on one part... when you say flowers on their watery graves then the next line states watery graves on the flowers... that's just me
Another thing is that you showed depth of a hurricane like if were really happening as a person would write this... I must say this not very Meh of you... this is amazingly great and I hope to read more of your poems or works...
Okay, I'm no poetry expert, so I'll leave the official poem stuff to others. Not that I know what "official poem stuff" entails.
I just wanted to say how AMAZING this poem is, and if you're "meh" about this, then I'm going to go read your stuff that you're not not "meh" about! *Takes deep breath* Okay. I don't intend this to be a review… I just want to say one thing that I really like about this poem. *Deep breath* The best thing about this poem is definitely the imagery. For example, this line:
"spiderwebs trace fissures across my window, hairline cracks
that turn to dust when you touch them.
scarlet ribbons sway in the wind; the sky bleeds freely."
Just one thing: I understand why you would say 'is' in the beginning, but why don't you call the poem 'there was a hurricane'? Relating it to the end of the poem could tie the whole thing together. But that's your choice.
I just realized this is sorta a review… I guess I'll submit it as one.