I stood on a hill
and spoke to the rainclouds,
swallowing the dirt
when it rose
around me.
I rasped consolations
to the murky atmosphere
and created landslides with my lips;
watching the sun's shifting lens
project images
on the ground.
I sat past the cottage
where the briars grew
and asked the atmosphere
with its puffy dress of clouds
if it would take me away.
But it said
it wouldn't.
So I breathed deeply and I said,
'I will come back tomorrow.'
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Timmy here
This piece was so lovely. You usually have a great deal of descriptive words and floral meanings/images thrust into the bulk of your poetry - which is perfectly find and just instills a perfect image for us - but in this one, you seemed to cut everything away to bare wood, and then adding the right words to give the reader the idea and image you wanted to say. I like what you did here, because while it didn't have the same style I have grown accustomed to seeing you with, you still conveyed the same feeling you always do. I am never left needing more when I am finished with your pieces (although I may want more), because you leave me satisfied. Your pieces are whole.
So this is probably just me, but when I read through this part the first time, I had ambience on my mind - that kind of atmosphere. Not the blueness above littered with those puffy dresses of clouds you spoke up, but like the atmosphere in the room. I think it's just me, and my weirdness of the moment. Perhaps it was because you already spoke of the atmosphere in the stanza above (which I did see as the sky above), so maybe my mind just went and clicked over to the other meaning the word has. Perhaps so. Actually, there is a small measure of redundancy with the repetition of the words and referring to the atmosphere twice. While it doesn't glare out at me at the first read, I think you could mend that. And the more I look at it, the first mention of the word has an almost ambience feeling to it, like you're breathing the consolations around you rather than placing them up in the sky (also, you really do like consolations, don't you? they're a repetitive thing in your poetry, I have learned). Now I am just rambling and not making sense, so I will shut up and move on now. hee-hee
onto or into? That "to" doesn't seem to say it all.
You have already breathed in this poem, and since this is a poem where you get the biggest bang for your buck (as the saying goes), I think you should remove one and see what else you could insert there, for greater image and story.
I loved this piece, Dory, and think it's one of your best. It was written a lot simpler than most of your pieces, as I already said, but it still conveyed the same image and story that all your pieces do. Thank you. <3
You should post more often, because your work is priceless.
~Darth Timmyjake
<33
Hiya Pomp!
Have you been feeding it well?
This poem seems a lot skinnier than usual
The tone in this poem is fabulous. It’s so calm yet so sad, and still very straightforward, like an unbiased account of what actually happened. The title is perfect for this mood.
I think something that might be dragging this poem down is logical continuity. I’m not sure if you deliberately did it like this, but it seems as though in the first stanza, the narrator buries themself beneath the ground, but later they’re watching the sun, and still later they’re definitely not underground. Perhaps I interpreted the meaning wrong, but it disrupts the picture in my head.
I don’t like the repeated “and” in the first stanza.
So this I think is a grammar issue. I think it should be something like “watching the sun, with its shifting lens, projecting…” or “watching the sun and how its shifting lens projects” or something along those lines. As it is, I don’t think it quite works.
I like the format you use, especially how the final line is shifted right.
And I think that’s all I have for you.
Great job, as always. Keep writing!
~fortis
woah.
Why do i love this so much?!
I don't even have anything to say.
Good gravy! I love it! Ahh! Just...yeah.
Oh dear.
I better stop. Reviewing all day.
But man.
Man oh man.
Can you tell I love this poem a whole awful lot? XD
Nothing to say...yep.
Just yeah.
Okay.
Wow.
Yeah.
(I am a procrastinator myself so I relate to this; but on a serious note- your imagery and storytelling in this was top notch)
Pomp!
c: I love this poem! There is just so much beauty here, it hardly seems monotonous at all, and yet, it's the voice that does it. There's so much subtlety here, and I really love the slow pace of movement. It is slow deliberation that builds until we finally get the longing in the "take me away" line. That break too, was gorgeous.
I think most of my enthusiasm comes with the poignancy in how you were able to transmit your emotions here. My emotions here are in a flurry, and it's done pretty well. Your end line goes perfect with the theme, ahhh. Probably the only lines I might suggest crafting a bit are your "breathed consolations" -- anytime a writer says they "breathe" anything, whether it's breathed frustrations/breathed secrets, it is a tiny, tiny bit cliche, for me it stands out only because you started with such a powerful first stanza. The "its shifting lens" while I can understand through context clues that "it" refers to the sun, grammatically, it's a confused modifier because the subject of that entire line the way you have it with the commas set off is still "I". You can rewrite maybe "I watched the sun's shifting lens" and that just makes it stark clear.
Tiny nitpicks overall.
<3 This one is going to stick to memory.
~ as always, Audy
Oh this is the bomb. You have a marvelous way of tracing out the extraordinary as if it were ordinary. Also your sense of language is magnificent. It applies to this poem really really well. The spare, dim descriptions of surrounding create a magnificent mood. This seems like a poem that Is interested in identity and situation. I really have very little criticism except that maybe you could bring some of the beginning imagery back before you end the piece. It would add symmetry, which im kinda obsessed with, so that may just be me. Also, the picture you paint in the first stanza, of sinking in a storm, is very potent, and signifies a lot with what I feel like is the poem's primary concern: the loss of identity inside the surroundings, individuality consumed by context. Maybe that's out of left field, or maybe that's just the first stanza, or maybe i'm insane, but I love that idea and would like to see it again. You wouldn't have to use the same situation or even the same words, but that feeing again would be nice. All the other images are so wonderful though, and the thought is so raw that im hesitant to suggest any changes. For something that just happened on your day off, this is splendid :3