i wake up to the sound of sudden, thrumming anger;
to the sounds of splintered glass and heaving breaths
and purposeless denial, and a stream of rampant thoughts
that refuse to align themselves--that refuse to make sense.
the frustration rises up like a swelling chorus, or a tide
that rises too high, when the moon kisses the ozone layer.
can you see it breathe? all that breathing, all that heaving?
can you see all the incoherence pile itself around you and
the sweat beading the hair-line fractures on these skeleton walls?
there are days when i wish
i could seal all the fissures with duct-tape
and make it all right.
two words on the brain, that's all there is to it.
it's strange how when i'm awake and thinking, my colloquial skills fall lax. and i say
'skills' because i'm sarcastic like that. it makes a rather strange mix, the frustration and the sarcasm, like fingers of oily substance crawling across water.
immiscible, i think. that's all humanity is at times.
and it makes no sense to struggle to make sense of this lack of sanity.
but i try.
i wake up to the sound of paper ripping into a thousand shreds, perhaps
these wild escapades of imagination seek to soothe me. violence, my mother said,
never solves problems. but while i stay immobile, watching the walls around me grow dim,
i wonder if my imagination is doing it for me.
kick something. hurt something.
this anger is uncalled for. this depression is a haze.
kick something. hurt something.
this doesn't make any sense.
i stare at the ceiling, crafting patterns into it with my brain. the snaking outlines
of images that cease to exist, leaving you with the knowledge
that nothing is timeless.
purposeless navigations and old-fashioned methods of surveillance
lead to strange philosophies. entanglements and jarring notes ensconced within
the microseconds it takes for a thought to form and transform
and weave itself into a clump of nettle within your mind.
i wake up to the sound of waves lapping against a shore
that shall never erode. even so, as i listen
to the walls gather sweat, and the flies beat their wings against my window, i know
that nothing is timeless.
it's a difficult concept to explain.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
I'm trying to debate whether to attempt a nice, helpful review that you'll actually like in the long wrong or just the breathless "wow! this was so good, I want to read it to all my friends" comment which will hopefully make you feel warm and fuzzy inside but of course won't be very helpful.
Maybe I'll settle somewhere in the middle.
I'll start by disagreeing with former comments on your lack of capitalization. I'm not entirely positive what it was, though I certainly have my theories which I would defend if I was told to argue this in an English class, but I feel as though the lower case 'i's are very intentional.
Of course, if they aren't, then by all means listen to the other commentators and make them big!
Another comment:
"like fingers of oily substance crawling across water."
I don't really like this line. I think it's the fingers, because the image of oil and water is fantastic. I think I used to use the word 'fingers' to describe things a lot in all of my old bad poetry so it brings back bitter memories. Maybe that's why, but in any case I thought I'd point out. It just seems too cliche or overused or something for this poem.
"moon kisses the ozone layer."
That line. I love it. So much.
"'skills' because i'm sarcastic like that. it makes a rather strange mix, the frustration and the sarcasm,"
I think I'd like a line break in there somewhere. I also don't particularly like "like that"
And then the third stanza is just so amazing and I like the ending and I just like it a lot. Good job. This made my night. I may even read it to my roommate.
Thank you for the review! And yes, the lowercase was intentional. ^^
Wow.
This is one of those things that I always want to write, but cant get my head to calm down to write. All the feelings, the anger, the confusion, all of it was penned down wonderfully.
Whenever I try to write about such conflicting emotions, I end up creating a botched up piece of confusion.
This was perfect.
The confusion and the inability to control the feelings was expressed with perfection. I could totally relate to it, and loved reading this.
I loved how the " i wake up to sound of waves..." at the end contrasted with the one at the beginning.
Great job.
Rating: 9/10
Hassan
Hi Pomp!
Well first off, you definitely need to look into capping your I's. I did like this poem because it is very spot on in ways. My favorite part was when you wrote "That nothing is timeless." Because that most definitely is true. Emotions, while they may seem endless, do fade with time. What hurts or makes you angry one year can have little affect a few years down the line. Or maybe you look back in the future on that time and the emotions have changed. What once made you angry and frustrated, makes you laugh and you look back on that moment with laughter and understanding. Emotions are a tricky thing and many things can happen because of them. Expressing them can be difficult and hard to do but holding your emotions away from yourself or burying them only causes more havoc later on.
I find this poem very well done and it truly does show emotion to those that read it. I enjoyed this poem and hope to read more of your pieces. Remember to cap your I's and your lines but otherwise I find this poem well-written.
Sincerely,
Soulkana
Besides your lack of capitalization at the beginning of sentences, your writing skills are exquisite. It definitely displays emotion to to the reader very well. I am in love with your concept of nothing being timeless, because it is simply true. And yes, the concept is hard to explain. So is anger; wanting to cause pain or hurt. But eventually you learn to control your feelings, sometimes in not so healthy ways but different things work for different people.