I drank yesterday's dusk, the one bottle
you'd forgotten in the refrigerator. I didn't think
you'd mind if I tasted it;
I've never minded coughing up stars,
especially when they're stolen--it feels
strange to swallow moonbeams.
I can feel them sliding through me
like molten silver, except it doesn't burn.
I can feel the stars' sharp edges
pressing into the lining of my stomach
and leaving silver lacquer marks
for the moonbeams to breed on.
Dusk, you always told me,
is like carbonated water,
but it tastes bitter on my tongue.
Moonbeams, you always told me,
are shy, dancing things,
but they numb my spine, my brain,
my synapses--all I hear now
is the whirring of the heavens
against my ceiling,
solar flares against my skin.
I didn't know stars could leave scars:
imprints against my hollow bones.
When I look out my window, up at the sky,
my body heaves,
the stars in my oesophagus longing to go home.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Timmy here
This will be a quickie, since your pieces are too perfect to do anything except read over and over and over. One thing I find myself wondering as I read this is the message, which I find can become somewhat distorted after going through all of this imagery you fill our minds with - creating such a picture for us, it becomes as HD (1080 resolution, if you please). I read through this and I see a pretty picture, but it takes me a moment to see the message. This is what I can gather from the piece: that yesterday, this bottle left in the refrigerator (a strange thing amidst the stars) was a memory, something you weren't supposed to know. And when you drink it - drink in the carbonated water of the dusk - your spine become numb and etc... (using our words), and there is a scar left on your soul. But then at the final lines, where you're wrapping the piece up, you're talking about going home and that idea seems to clash with what I thought had been the message of the poem - that some things are meant to be left in the fridge, and left alone - no matter how it feels. So perhaps I am just confused by this, and need some guidance through the message? I don't know. It just seems as though this poem, while truly has a beautiful flow and just teary imagery, just doesn't seem to have the clear message that you usually have in your pieces. Perhaps it is just me, and that seems to happen quite often. Or maybe there are just a few parts of it that could be tweaked for greater understanding? I will leave it up to you.
This was the one part which made me go "Whaaaa?" and I think it was just because, while by itself it is a beautiful line, it seems odd beside the others. Okay, so the other lines, you're talking about drinking yesterday's dusk (the beginning of the night, right?), and when I went to the part about coughing up stars, I was confused because right before you'd been talking about the drinking of something. It just seemed odd and took me out of the poem momentarily.
So another thing I am not understanding is the correlation of the stars, moonbeams - and the dusk. I just looked "dusk" up in the dictionary, and it says that dusk is the period between dark and light - right after the sun fades behind the horizon. So, with that in mind, there would be no stars or moonbeams to speak of (I know that you are writing in figurative language, but still). It just seems odd and out of place to have these things side by side at a time when they wouldn't be there.
I always enjoy your poetry, Dory, and when I read through your pieces, I fee like going through and pulling out certain lines and posting them on my wall for me to read over and over and over - because they're not just beautiful. There's a bigger weight behind your poetry, a deeper feeling behind it all. And that is special. <3
Write more soon. I will be waiting.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thank you so much for this! I was actually thinking about alcohol when I wrote the poem; I wondered if people could be drunk on their own aspirations and the means they use to achieve them. Sooo the dusk was a symbol for those dreams; the fact that the bottle was 'stolen' was meant to show how far people can go to make their dreams come true; and, eventually, the narrator realised that her dreams were illogical and unrealistic. That's what I hoped to convey through 'the stars in my oesophagus longing to go home.'
Your review helped a ton! I'll try to make the meaning clearer when I edit.
Wow, this is a really really incredible piece of work. I read it through 3 or 4 times and i enjoyed it more and more each time, the images were beautiful.
Hey! ajruby12 here for a quick review.
This, as with a lot of poems, is really a beautiful picture. I love the way you've written it and how it's portrayed, and even though the punctuation Nazi inside my brain is punching and screaming, along with the lines Nazi, I still think this is lovely! So keep bringing the poetry, and as always, keep on writing!
-ajruby (The Silver Lady)
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!
I just want another piece of art pasted up in my wall XD
I love the way it is written and the love the way you use your words! Like these are the types of poetry that I would love to read every single night, mostly when stars, moon, agony or anything dark that's included! Like this is just really amazing! I love the imagery, personification and the metaphors and the words just fits perfectly throughout the poem!
This is amazingly beautiful! I can't stop re-reading it! I want this poetry to go worldwide and get published. I want this poem to be read by thousands of people, because this masterpiece; Deserves it.
I might just be exaggerating, but I just really love this! This is awesomely awesome! This is more than an artwork in a website! This is an artwork of an perfectly artist. I bet you have a terrible mind don't you person? XD They say, terrible minds, make beautiful art. And this my friend is just fantastic! I've been saying compliments again and again now xD I might be saying them repeatedly also, but I just can't stop re-reading this xD Mind if I print this out and just paste it in my wall? Don't worry, I won't take credit!
I love this! Really! Don't stop writing! Keep writing! People like you would reach an awesome future
Goodluck and Keep up the great work!
thats amazing