Young Writers Society

Yoooo! I really love this! I think this is super good. I personally am not very good at writing but I think you did a great job. I like the formatting and your choice of wording.

"But this pain?
It is forever."

I think that anyone who has had their heart broken can relate to this ending. I think for me the slow comprehension through out the whole poem and leading to the realization is really good. There is a lot of emotion! I think heart break and heart ache are the worst feelings to convey and you did an amazing job in a very short poem.
Emotions are a hard thing to convey and express and you have done both very well. If this is something that you have been through then my heart feels for you, but I am also glad to see that your heart has been healed enough to be able to express this.
I think anyone who has been through a rough relationship or break up will understand what your message is.
Over-all the message I got was that the love wasn't temporary, it wasn't there to begin with. More or less the red flags were ignored and what you were blind too quickly came to light.
"you were temporary "
I loved this because I think that most people in life are temporary, not meant for a lifetime, season, or even an extended period of time. But just for a moment to help us learn a lesson, they walk into our lives to hurt us so we will know the pain.


Cant wait for what is next.

Wow, amazing poem!

I loved how you started the poem with a question. I don't see a lot of poems that start off with a question. You were able to pack so much emotion into this short poem which is a great thing to be able to do. You expressed so much in it, and a liked how you said why you thought it would last forever, but that you had it all backwards.

I also really enjoyed the formatting of the poem, I thought it was super cool how you did it. I really liked how you italicized someone of the words to add more meaning to them. Great job on the ending, I really liked the line at the end.

"The love was temporary.
You were temporary.
But this pain?
It is forever."
The realization of this at the end of the poem was a perfect way to end the poem. I just think it really tied everything together. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL

Wow!!! I absolutely love this poem. So. Much.

The only thing I could possibly critique on is not grouping the last lines into stanzas. While I'm guessing you separated them on purpose, I'm at a loss at what that purpose was and instead it just reads choppy in my mind. I like the one line stanzas you had at the beginning but I think the seven consecutive ones at the end it too much.

Besides this, I love your wording and flow! I love the repetition of "I thought" and then transitioning into more definitive statements.

Wonderful job!!

mordax

Hello, Plume! I decided to come by and drop a review for this lovely poem ^_^

Wow. You sure managed to pack a lot of emotion in this short poem! This was pretty heart-wrenching, and I love how you were able to convey so much feeling into these lines. I love how you follow the same pattern when listing reasons why you thought you guys were going to be forever, and then the things that they did wrong. Also, the formatting of this poem is also cool! I like how the last lines trail off, like the realization of what was going on finally hit you, and your love slowly wore off. Overall, I think you did a wonderful job portraying so much emotion, and the formatting is also really cool! I'm going to try and leaving you some suggestions for this amazing poem, but I really don't have that much to say <3

By the way, if this actually happened to you, I'm sorry for your heart <3 You are a beautiful person, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, okay?

One thought I had while reading this regarded your use of italics. I love the way you used it to emphasize certain words, like "You" were temporary, and "It" is forever. That was really nice in putting more stress on different words and giving a bigger impact. I do feel like that there were perhaps too many italicized phrases, but this is just my personal opinion! Like when you use it a lot, it starts to lose its impact and importance. I like the italics in the last bit of the poem, so I was thinking to remove them from the "I thought that was forever/temporary." parts. But again, this is just my opinion, so please feel free to ignore! ^^

I thought that was forever.

I thought that was temporary.

I thought that when you raised your voice,
and stayed out late,
and drew the back of your hand across my face,

I thought that was temporary.

Really, I was backwards.

The love was temporary.

But this pain?

It is forever.

I was reading along, enjoying the flow...Then-BAM! The abuse hits me like a hand across the face: sudden, brutal, altering my entire perception. I love the way you lured me in with a false promise, and sprung reality on me, precisely as an abuser would. At that moment, I broke ranks with the abused, reading but angerly rejecting their misconceptions.
No, pain is NOT forever. Pain is an emotional/and or physical sensation, and all sensations mutate or fade with time, how soon or how much depends, in part, on how much mental energy you continue to direct to the emotional/and or physical abuse Separation from the event, plus the immediate needs of the present, should gradually decrease the amount emotional energy directed at The Pain. Inability to do so creates a victim complex. If you are strong enough to recognize the abuse for wat it is, then you are strong enough to get beyond it as well, especially when this reality hits you like a ton of bricks: the LOVE wasn't temporary-it never existed in the first place. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by leaving. They can hit your body, but they cannot beat your will or spirit into submission unless you allow it. You have all the power, and moving on with your life is the best revenge you can possibly have.
...I forgot where I was going with this. Great poem!

Dang, nice and simple. I love how you let us interpret the first two stanzas. I love your rhythm, how you flow from two main ideas that echo each other’s flow, into the conclusive answer.
Sorry about your lost love, boy do I know how she feels. There isn’t much to compare with losing the person you thought was forever yours. It’s not the same like normal depression it goes deeper, with higher levels of love come deeper pain. It’s not a bitterness, but what you’re missing can’t be replaced. The need is not an addiction, it’s the buoy for your heart and soul. You lost your grip and now you’re sinking, wishing you could float by yourself but you don’t know how. Or maybe it’s just me. Either way, good luck, all the best. Sometimes, it takes a heartbreak to help you find yourself.