Young Writers Society

Hi Plume,

Mailice here with a short review!

I'm trying my hand at this broad genre of poetry again, and hope I didn't get too wrong in the foxhole for a possible interpretation.

First impression

My first impression was a little confusing because you frequently jumped back and forth between multiple (I thought two or three) perspectives, but in general I liked the structure and the presentation of the narrative as if two voices were arguing with each other.

Deeper interpretation

you should be grateful
my father has patience,
because your life depends on it.

With this rather ominous-sounding opening, I thought it was very good how it already reflected the tone of the poem. I found it very expressive, almost as if you should be grateful for your father's patience.

it should have been you to fall first, not
her,
the one you pretended to care about.
it was no strange fact she was your least favorite,
yet you seem to be mourning her the most.

I found the jump into another person a bit awkward here, because I didn't know immediately what was going to happen. However, I liked the way you created something very interesting through the portrayal. You create a different view, like a son talking to his father who has had many relationships. I found the last lines very significant because they sound like the father was actually always a very strict character (narcissistic) and for the first time in his life he craves his own attention but someone else's, just as if it was the person he disliked the least (maybe because they didn't show that much interest) has now turned the tables and he is now a kind of "victim".

is it just an excuse to act
whatever way you want, because
mourners get a free pass to do
anything?

I like this line of questioning here, where you realise that the father wants that attention again, to stay in the centre. It's almost like an accusation like the father is doing that more often.

news flash:
grief does not make a shrew.
you dug that grave yourself.

Here I had the impression most of all that the son /or the child was using a rather sarcastic undertone to diminish the father this histrionic manner (perhaps, in addition to being a narcissist, also histrionically inclined?).

you only perceive when things
are stolen.
like her.

Here one can see very well that the father has now come up against a magnetic pole just as he himself is one, where they clash against each other but cannot get any closer.

and as your tears stream down my face,
I wish unto you only respect
because that is what expected of me.

I like this section. The focus changes to the child and I have the impression that after he has thrown everything at the father, he realises that perhaps he himself is also suffering a little from all the pressure and is possibly narcissistic himself.

but further down,
deeper that your cataracts-laden eyes could ever hope to see,
i want my father's patience to break,
knowing that i will not be so merciful.

This ending has the same effect as the beginning. It seems threatening and is almost like changing the point of view from the beginning. I like how it slowly becomes apparent here that patience is at an end, and with it another avalanche begins to tumble down.

Miscellaneous

incapable of feeling guilt,
complaining how your deserved gratitude
never appears, when

With the description of the section before, the next and this one, I had the impression that unfortunately the father suffers more from a histrionic personality disorder than a narcissistic one. These two overlap a bit, but here your description was very much about gratitude and appreciation, which is exactly a type of histrionism; because you depend on it as such a person, because of a low / barely present self-esteem. Since this personality disorder is a bit less known than narcissism, I can understand why the main focus is more in the narcissistic area.

Overall

I get the impression that this is about an argument that regularly sparks in a family after realising that the father is a narcissist and cares more about himself than others. It seems like a discussion that is repeated over and over again, but has now reached a point where it is on the verge of family breakdown.

I liked the way you told the story. It was a bit hard to follow at times and I think it would either help to paraphrase some things a bit more clearly (or I'm just not up to the task) or make it seem more like a dialogue. I still liked the poem though. It had a certain sadness in the lines that couldn't quite be taken away from the menace of the words.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hey there! Good morning/afternoon/night or whatever it is in your corner of the earth! I have come to review your spectacular work!

First impression: This is a really great poem! It jumps around a little, sometimes focusing on the father, sometimes on the woman. At the risk of sounding nosy, I wish I knew who she was! I love how you've broken it up into sections. Overall a very good job!

you should be grateful
my father has patience,
because your life depends on it.

A strong start, you can instantly tell what the poem will be about and how you feel about your father. You are also speaking to the reader, warning them, instead of saying "MY life depends on it." I thought that was really interesting and something I haven't seen that much! It seems as though the reader is yourself, maybe you're warning your past self, trying to change something?

it should have been you to fall first, not
her,
the one you pretended to care about.
it was no strange fact she was your least favorite,
yet you seem to be mourning her the most.

Has someone already died? Who are you mourning? I have so many questions!

is it just an excuse to act
whatever way you want, because
mourners get a free pass to do
anything?

I think you're trying to deal with your grief or guilt by pushing it off as you trying to get a "free pass."

the reason gratitude does not appear
is you think you deserve everything.
you only perceive when things
are stolen.
like her.

You are allowed to grieve when someone dies, death steals people from everyone.

and if you said
you would take her place
we both know you would be
lying.

Could this woman possibly be your mother? If your father promises to take her place, maybe he has just become a single parent. It doesn't seem like that will end well for you though.

we both know you are ready to
claw and grab at
years
to add to your easily-earned eighty-four,
regardless of how many the God beaten into you
tries to take.

Eighty-four years old? And he doesn't sound like a very Christian man.

and as your tears stream down my face,
i wish unto you only respect,
because that is what expected of me.

Because you are afraid of him?

but further down,
deeper that your cataracts-laden eyes could ever hope to see,
i want my father’s patience to break,
knowing that i will not be so merciful.

Here's what you do. You get back at him by healing yourself and becoming successful and shoving it in his face. Or you could always kill him, but then he wouldn't really suffer.

All in all an emotional and fantastic poem, I really loved it! Thank you and I'm excited to read more!

Until next time,
Wren