Young Writers Society

Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!

Mood, Tone, Perspective, and Narrative

This poem is very beautiful in general! The feelings of heartbreak, anguish, confusion, yet depressed hope are something I believe everyone can resonate with. That itself is so crucial at times with poetry, and I think you choice of theme and the emotions that come with it, hit home.

All the words come together nicely to tell this story of the narrator's broken heart and spirit. I can feel all the melancholy oozing through this poem. Well done on that part!

Language, Diction, and Style

I love the simplicity of your word choice. Sometimes intricate vocabulary can take away from the overall emotion and theme of the poem. Here, your choice of wording is absolutely wonderful. I love the little metaphors and images you have. They're short and sweet and straight to the point. Most of all, they all fit well with the poem.

My favorite is

the ghosts of arms around me
are fading to air
and dreams have never tasted
so stale.

And this image leaves much to interpretation.

future fantasies are filled
with faceless children, all
crying diamond tears,
that tear at my heart

I think the narrator was in the serious relationship and thought about the children they would have with their partner. Now those children will never exist. The little bit of alliteration too is a nice touch.


Structure, Flow, Rhyme, and Rhythm

While the emotions of the poem are great, there are some rhythmic issues that do take away from it a bit. Don't fret, lots of young poets struggle with rhythm in particular, especially myself.

For example

it's the absence of an absence;
me missing something i never had

I think you should get rid of the word "me". It doesn't seem to fit right, even though I know what you're trying to accomplish with that first stanza. I think the poem would be better without it. If you don't like just getting rid of "me", try replacing it with something else that comes off the tongue better. Perhaps "the missing" or "a missing", however I think just "missing" would do just fine. It's up to you.

These lines

the ghosts of arms around me
are fading to air
and dreams have never tasted
so stale.

Your enjambment is nice at times, and something a lot of poets utilize. However the flow of these lines is a little off due to your choice of breaking up these lines. My suggestion is this:

"the ghost of arms around me,
are fading to air,
and dreams have never,
tasted so stale."

It's up to you on how you change it. Try reading your poems out loud, it makes it easier to spot things.

In this stanza, the images are on point, however I think the enjambment like before could be improved.

the petals of the roses i was never given
crumble, with
condolences whispered
by no one.

My suggestion is:

"the petals of roses,
I was never given,
crumble with condolences,
whispered by no one." (leave out the comma)

and here

future fantasies are filled
with faceless children, all
crying diamond tears
that tear at my heart.

Try this:
"future fantasies are filled
with faceless children;
all crying diamond tears,
tearing at my heart."

and here

my thoughts
that were once giddy
with the bubbling ooze
of a crush
are drained,
love becoming
yesterday's solace
and tomorrow's devastation.

Try this:

"my thoughts;
once giddy,
with the bubbling ooze of a crush,
are drained dry,
thus becoming,
yesterday's solace,
and tomorrow's devastation."

If you don't like my suggestions, just ignore them and take it like a grain of salt. Or just experiment! Write, write, and rewrite!!

Grammar

Grammar wise, I don't have any complaints about the lack of capitalization. To me, it adds a sense of how low the narrator feels "thus lowercase letters". That's how I interpreted it though. The commas are disperse as well as the semicolons. There are some places where these things can be eliminated or added. These little fixes to me might enhance flow or add emphasis to certain points.

1. Add a period after "never had" in the first stanza
2.Add a semi colon after "never given" in the second stanza


Final Words

Overall, I LOVED THIS POEM. It was so heartfelt, simple, and beautiful. I enjoyed reading all of it. If this is based on personal experience or what you're feeling now. You'll push through it! I know you will. This review is getting long, but I did write a review about a broken heart poem with everything I want to say if your heart is or was broken. Just go to my profile and read the review for the poem "Twisted Love: Meant to be Alone."

Wonderful poem! Keep writing!

Hey Plume! Incoming review!

Ouch, this poem cuts like a knife.<3 I know the feeling of asking if I'll ever love again. But as something I've learned that I like to tell others is that you can't love without pain. Sure, you can never love but that wouldn't be a life worth living. If this is based on true experiences, I hope your pain eases quickly.

Now onto the actual poem. I guess I'll start with critiques. I feel like the use of periods could be eliminated. I think it would make the poem feel like a never ending thought until the last line with a question mark. And the question mark would be the only stopping point in the whole of the story and, for me, I think it would make it sound even more heartbreaking. But I think the use of commas is a good use for a break. It's like the narrator's sobbing and those commas are the small inhales they take to keep on talking. But that was the only thing I wanted to critique. Let me praise the work now.

I think every line of your poem is so packed full with imagery, metaphors, and feelings. Each stanza gives another feeling of love that you've lost and it's heartbreaking.

future fantasies are filled
with faceless children, all
crying diamond tears
that tear at my heart.

This is the one that I love the most. You loved that person so much that you wanted children with them. You've imagined what the children to be like but now that they're gone, the prospect of those children are gone. And they're sad that they'll never have the chance to live. It's so dainty, I feel like the poem is going to break- in a good way.

But that's all I have for you today. I hope you found some of this useful. But I truly hope your pain eases quickly in a nice manner <33. No one deserves to feel this way. Anyway byeeeeeeeee<3333333