A Thousand Demi Gods~ The story of Rayah
About Rayah~
Rayah is the type of girl that doesn’t like to fight, the girl that will do anything if given a chance. She doesn’t like to yell, nor hurt someone she loves but will do it even without meaning it. She truly hates to be yelled at; she will have a mental breakdown almost anywhere with lightning. But when she thinks about how amazing life is, Rayah thinks she might actually like being a girl that’s different.
Rayah has long bleach blonde hair that reaches half way down her stomach that she usually wears in a fish-tail braid or in a pony-tail. She Stands at five feet five and has luminescent green eyes that tend to distract people. She walks swiftly; people think she’s almost too perfect. She doesn’t wear dresses often. You’ll either see her wearing a plain tee shirt or a tank top that stops right above her belly button. She likes to wear skinny jeans most of the time, but when it’s hot out she tends to wear shorts. She usually wears converse or boots which she keeps her knives in.
When you think about it, Rayah is almost a tom-boy. She likes guns, knives, or anything that can hurt you. She never ever has no weapons on her. She usually hurts herself for no reason and it ends up coming to bite her later in life. She is the middle child of five sisters and one brother. She is the daughter of Aphrodite; her beauty gives her upper-hands in wars. She’s forced to fight in the Olympus wars until she turns twenty which gives her four more years. Rayah is sixteen. She has two little sisters and one younger brother, better known as Cupid or as she calls him- ‘C’.
She’s pretty mischievous and causes trouble a lot. One time, she had to babysit Zeus’ lightning bolt and blew up half of Russia with it. Afterwards, she was playing around with the lightning bolt and broke it.
In school she doesn’t get good grades. She’s good at P.E but in chemistry she usually blows stuff up and ends up hurting a lot of people. Sometimes she thinks hurting people is fun and doesn’t realize it’s wrong until she sees their pain.
Chapter One- The fighters
-Rayah’s P.O.V
I landed in the courtroom. The lights were dimmed enough for me to squint when I saw him, the bolt sat on the main generator by his throne. I stared at it until my head snapped attention from him, “ALRIGHT.” I heard him say, his voice probably as loud as thunder itself.
There were other demi-gods around me; he called us for a meeting. Zeus walked the line, making sure every demi-god was here. He stopped at a guy named Alex; I’m guessing he was the son of Apollo because he had those pale structures and the calm exterior. “You!” Zeus screams, practically startling everyone in the room.
“You, go to the garden and get the monster, we need to test everyone’s ability in here.” He says studying every
one of us. Alex rushes to the garden, I’m sure his heart was beating faster than ever.
He gets to me and I feel like I want to scream but all I do is swallow, feeling his powerful ray of electricity sparking off him. I close my eyes and lock my hands behind my back as if I were arrested and then open them again to see him staring me down.
He finally speaks, “My dear Rayah, How are you darling?” He asks, a grin growing upon his bearded face.
I swallow again, trying my best not to stutter. “I’m good my majesty, and how might you be?” I ask back, the proper way.
He shrugs, “I’ve been dealing.” His voice growing deeper and deeper into me.
I nod, hopefully saying the right thing, “Well, I hope things get better for you sir, I wish you the best.” I said almost choking on my words, everyone looking at me like I’m an idiot.
“Smile my darling, there is no one here that will hurt you…yet.” He says evilly.
I let out a chuckle, a grin placing back on my face, “I know that.”
He nods at me, “Good luck.”
He moves onto the next person and I finally let out my breath, feeling as if I was being held underwater.
After about twenty more minutes of talking to the rest of the demi-gods, Alex comes back with a cat, a kitten. Zeus Takes the kitten and sets it in a cage, meant for a huge monster. Everyone laughed and one person spoke, Daughter of Hermes, “THAT’S the monster we’re fighting?” She asks.
He crosses his fingers together in thought, a smirk growing on his very face. “Danielle. Daughter of Hermes. Would you like to go first?” He asks.
She smiles and nods; looking almost sure she could handle it.
Zeus nods back and gestures her to the cage, it’s held by thorns and the kitten is sitting in there, playing with a ball of yarn.
She opens the gate and walks in, locking the door behind her.
Suddenly the kitten’s claws grew bigger. The ears disappeared and its body almost grew fifty feet tall. It let out the loudest scream I could ever imagine, and with it came its slobber, messing up each and every one on of us in the room.
Danielle looks at it amazed she had been tricked and takes out her battling sword, carved as sharp and the monsters teeth. The monster lets out another loud scream and picks Danielle up with its bare claws. She screams, “Get me out of here!!” But before she could say another word, the monster ripped her in half, blood splattering all over the cage. I looked away not wanting to see this. When everyone finished murmuring I knew it was all done. I turned back around and the monster was back in its kitten form.
Zeus went down the line again, smiling. “Who’s next?” He asks.
I raise my hand and he nods at me, “Go ahead Rayah.”
But what I really wondered is- Am I going to make it?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I love this story so far ^^ I love Greek mythology and anything relating to it and I can't wait to read the other chapters ^^
My one piece of advice with this would be how you put a bit about the main character first before the story. Although it was insightful on the character, I personally think it would flow better if these things popped up in the story as we go, and not as one whole bio in the beginning ^^
The story still looks great though, and I can't wait to follow the links to your other chapters ^^
This is really good, I'm a huge fan of Greek mythology and anything to do with it so you've already caught my attention. One thing i wanted to mention though is the 'About Rayah' part. Instead of listing all these facts right away, try popping them in throughout the story. Show, don't tell. Have her tell about the time she broke Zeus' bolt, not just drop it there in the beginning.
Hope this helped any and I'm looking forward to the next part!
I really like this, you have to let me know when the next part comes out. One thing that hasn't been said already by anyone, is the description at the top. I do this a lot, finding it helps the story move along if you know every inch of your character. The thing I might suggest is to keep it in mind for yourself, and leave the reader to search for those things. Describe Rayah through her words, her actions, the reactions of others...
I hope this helps and can't wait for the next chapter!
Posted
Oh, I like it a lot! PM me when you get the next chapter out. Just two quick things: 1. If it's possible to not switched from third-person to first-person POV in your story, I would encourage you not to; it's a bit distracting/confusing. Secondly, you begin with a bit of an info-dump. Try to break that up and do a bit more showing instead of telling. Other than that, it's really good. Hope this helps!
I'll PM you when I get the second chapter out. Thanks! I'll try to get it by tommarow afternoon or tonight.
This has me wondering to what exactly is going on here? Far as my knowledge goes there is a bad mother****** in a cage. That Zeus doesn't kill himself.
LOL. Zeus says whats going on...I think. It says that. Yeah.