A Thousand Demi-Gods~ Chapter 6- The Escape

Hello there, this fine Review Day! I'm busy tackling various works without any reviews, and so there's a disproportionate amount of unreviewed later chapters of novels floating around, which is sad. Very sad. And so, while I haven't read previous chapters, hopefully I'll point out some helpful things in this review. Hopefully.

The first thing that struck me about this chapter was that it looked very short. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, though.

I awoke in a large chained area, the place filled with no light only torches lit with fire.

A couple of things with this sentence. "Large chained area" reads like the area itself is chained, which doesn't make sense. You're also missing some punctuation between "no light" and "only torches". A colon or m-dash would fit best there, grammatically-speaking.

I glanced around the place and tried rusting the metal that held me captive. I formed fire in my palms burning the metal.

How does burning metal equal rusting it? It doesn't make any sense chemically speaking since they're completely different processes chemically as well as physically.

There's also the matter of how metal conducts heat like whoa! Depending on how far away from her wrists the metal is that Rayah, the skin on her (his?) wrists should be burning. It's also really unclear what part of the metal Rayah is trying to burn. Is it the chain? The manacle? Is it the base of the chain where it's secured to the wall?

It barely made a difference but made the metal weaker.

This sentence contradicts itself.

I unlocked the other one easily with my free hand.

With what? Pretty important detail right there that happens to be missing.

Also, what happened to the other manacle? Is Rayah walking around with the other one still attached?

“I torch fell.”

...what? This makes no sense. I think you meant a torch fell.

And then the guard is too gullible to be believed. And then we find out they let Rayah keep a dagger. And that the dagger is strong enough to cut through a solid wooden door. And then I think there's a missing transition between events because I don't see anything related to the actual recapturing. Only that Rayah got outside into the village, and apparently she's caught again.

There are a lot of gaps in this chapter, and so I get the impression that this chapter was rushed out before any proofreading. This does not make me happy as a reader.

And so I'd highly recommend rereading and proofreading your chapters (or anything you write, really) before posting it. That way, your readers can focus on enjoying the story and pointing out things they like/could be further improved upon rather than pointing out mistakes and rather glaring gaps in the story.

Hey there, Pix, Ita here to review.

As Reason stated, I haven't kept up with the previous chapters save the last one, however, I was expecting - as Reason said, our views are pretty much the same, as it happens - Molly to deal with the murder of Molly. How would she feel about it? Angry, sad, lost despairing? Instead no, she worries how her father - she's practically never seen - would feel, and also, ironically, the 'tools' he's given her in his non-presence.

Right, now to delve into her escape from the prison, which, I might add, was poorly described in of itself. Work on that as well as the following logistic imperfections I will now point out.

So, Molly is planning an escape. She proceeds to avail herself of the powers she has at her disposal.

I glanced around the place and tried rusting the metal that held me captive. I formed fire in my palms burning the metal. It barely made a difference but made the metal weaker. I nodded impressed with myself.

As well as several commas needing to be inserted here, this strikes me as odd. How, pray, would she 'rust' metal by trying to burn it? O.o plus, iron - I'm assuming they use iron as bars - burns at around 15500 degrees Fahrenheit, and for Rayah to conjure that much, even if she is a demigod, would mean her kissing her hands good-bye. To boot, she seems to be daughter of Poseidon, and I wonder, now how would that grant her controls over flames?

Well, let's let that slide.

I yanked on the chains with all my power and pulled one of the chains out of the wall, setting my one arm free. I unlocked the other one easily with my free hand.

Whoa, what? Who is she, daughter of Atlas? Even with the weakened chains - and I don't see how she could have moved her hands that much, regular, that-kind-of-prisions don't usually grant that much mobilty - 'yanking them out of a wall' would require superhuman strength. And how, exactly, does one 'unlock' chains? Chains?! .

I stood and just had to figure out a way to get out of the cell. I wasn’t tall enough to reach the window. The keys were on a hook outside. I reached my hand out, barely reaching it. It dropped to the floor and I heard footsteps, loud ones.

Whoa. What the heck? What self-respecting prison master keeps the keys, the actual keys, to a cell of a high-security prisoner, on a hook, a hook, outside the actual prison?

“Holy Sh**t!” He yells. Not realizing I had the keys.

“What was that!?” He asks, angrily.

I shrug, “I torch fell.” I chuckled, hiding the keys behind me.

Apart from there lacking commas after the last word before the final speech mark, this guard seems to be very, terminally, incurably stupid. I mean, Rayah shoots an actual fireball at his actual face and she pretends it's a torch? O.o ooo-kay, that's totally believable.

I put my arm through it and unlocked it from the outside. I heard a click and opened it, smiling wide. I got outside and someone stopped me again. I was in the village, Olympians finding their goods.

I couldn’t believe I got caught again. I turned around and the guards led me into a room this time in the palace. They set me down in a clear room and I looked around, clueless.

Where am I?

Wait what? First she escapes, then, with the grand total of one sentence to prelude this magisterial event, she's back... where?

Overall, work on Rayah's escape, seriously. Some prisons escapes have taken decades to complete.

Sorry this seemed so harsh, keep it up!

Hope this helped,
~Ita



#TeamRed

I haven't kept up with the series besides the previous chapter. I went to the next chapter thinking we're going to see the protagonist's take on Molly's murder. Perhaps delve into that rage of theirs, make peace with the fact that he did indeed kill a friend. Nope. It seems killing friends and being sent to some sort of prison is not what bothers the protagonist. The fact his father may be disappointed he can't break himself out of prison after killing a friend -that would disappoint the old man. Hmmm.

I can't begin to understand the protagonist and his motives. Perhaps, if I had read the earlier chapters I would see what a terrible friend Molly was (or at least how expendable she was because she is evidently not being missed a chapter later.) The girl isn't even an afterthought.

I formed fire in my palms burning the metal.

Regardless of the impurity and weak alloys, I highly doubt a flame could weaken the metal. It would have to be of an intense flame. Which in turn begins to melt it –now depending on whether the boy focused it on the cuffs or the links, it presents two theories. The first being that he worked on the cuffs which risks burning him since it’s melted metal dangerously close to his wrists. Or the second in which by doing this, it would be difficult to pretend to be locked up (well, both theories reach this conclusion since it takes awhile for metal to cool off after being heated.)

He looked at me through the bars, suspiciously. “How did the keys get on the floor?” He asks his voice low and deep.

Throughout this piece, I’ve observed that you keep switching between the present and past tense. It has a jarring effect. Dedicate yourself to a single tense and keep to it, otherwise it’ll serve to only confuse the reader. I understand it’s in first person, regardless though –it’s either happening to the protagonist and he’s commenting on the events as they transpire or he’s re-telling what has already happened.

I shrug, “I torch fell.” I chuckled, hiding the keys behind me.

“Where’d the keys go?” He asks glancing around.

The dialogue on the protagonist’s line makes little sense. I imagine you meant to write, “The torch fell.” Regardless, the fact the prisoner chuckles and the guard has no reaction to this is disconcerting. The guard can’t possibly overlook the insolence of the young charge. In fact, he should have become suspicious –perhaps even enraged- asking what’s so funny.

The following dialogue bewilders me. How can the guard simply agree with the smart aleck of a prisoner? Furthermore, I began to notice that you were continually writing “your” when a “you’re” was a due. Even if the older man is in doubt, I don’t believe he would outwardly voice this in front of the boy –it makes him look beyond weak. One would hope that even if it were the guard’s first day working, he knew better than to show the minor hint of weakness/stupidity in front of the inmates.

What ensues confounds me. Why did they allow the prisoner to keep his shoes? They typically strip them of their clothes, put them in something that’s standard issue, and then lock them up. This isn’t a case of underestimating the protagonist, but protocol. Even in Skyrim, a video game based in fantasy, they know better than to allow the player to keep their clothing.

I wonder to myself, what happened? The protagonist hasn't redeemed himself from killing his friend earlier. It's completely forgotten. I won't deny the fact it bothers me. I would be guilt ridden -he stated earlier it wasn't him, it was his rage. If that's the case, I would've liked to have seen him mulling over that. Make him somewhat more sympathetic and less of an unfeeling bloke that doesn't seem to mind killing a friend -not when Daddy Dearest would be disappointed that he couldn't break out of prison.

Earlier, I thought to myself: "Oh, maybe the rage is similar to being a werewolf losing control." I'll repeat, I've only read the previous chapter. Perhaps that's what makes me unable to sympathize or understand the protagonist. Take what I say with a grain of salt, I feel more compassion towards dead friend Molly at the moment.