A Thousand demi-Gods~ The Story Of Rayah
Chapter 5: Life After death
I swallowed at the sight of blood on the floor, her shallow eyes drooping. I kneeled before her, my hands drowned in blood.
Is she dead?
I looked at Molly, her cheeks pale like snow. My dagger pierced in her chest. Its decorative border outlined with strings of vines. I wrapped my hand around the daggers handle, hesitantly yanking it out of her skin.
She stirred restlessly. I couldn’t help but have a tear run down my very cheek. This wasn’t who I am. It’s just my anger.
Everyone in the classroom stared at the pool of blood, claiming corners. I stared at her, not believing what had come over me. Once a beautiful girl, now a blood-spread mess. I choked a little.
Somebody crouched beside me. I didn’t look over at the figure.
“I-Is she…?” I asked hesitantly.
“I’m sorry.” The figure says. A male voice speaks.
I stand, not bearing to look at Molly anymore. “Take her away…” I say, shooing them away. Someone picks her up than leaves without a word. Everyone leaves behind them, only I left in that one room.
I sat down in the teachers chair at his desk, twiddling with my thumbs, trying to control my emotions. I looked around the room, confused on what came over me. I still remember the first time me and Molly meet when we were five.
Flashback:
The sun was setting just over the horizon and I was sitting down on my tiny knees by the beach. I picked up seashells and beautiful corals, my mom uses to make her necklaces and jewelry.
My dad appears out of the ocean, his gold and silver armor shining with every movement. I flashed a baby-toothed smile at him, my little hand carrying those few things that represented happiness. He kneels before me, carrying my birth-stone, amethyst, I couldn’t help but giggle, my white blonde hair tresses flowing down my shoulders. He whispers something in my ear, something I don’t remember. The last glimpse of him before he left was the stone, crossed with a heart.
As I was walking down the beach I saw another little girl by the water, making her way towards me. I giggled when she approached, her short brown hair blowing towards her blue eyes. Apparently it was Molly. We became friends ever since.
I didn’t want this to happen. None of it.
I stood up, walking down the halls of the school, killing time. I studied my dagger as I walked. I traced my hand across the blade, feeling the delicate metal. My hand made its way towards the grip, where honey-maple wood caressed the nature vines. It still looked amazing, the glossy structure taking my mind off what had recently happened.
I heard someone behind me. “HALT.”
I froze, dropping my dagger, putting my hands up in truce as I turned around. A guard stood there, an amazingly long sword sheathed by his side.
“You’re coming with me.” He says, grabbing me by my arm.
I look at him confused, “But—“I can’t answer before he speaks.
“Keep talking and you’ll regret it.” He chuckles.
“But I just want to know—“I beg.
Suddenly, everything goes black.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hey there Pix, Ita here to review the famed tales of Molly and Rayah. How fun. I haven't read the other chapters, but based on the fact these are pretty much the only characters you use, I know the basics, by and large.
First up, oooh! Rayah has killed Molly, with a sparkly dagger to boot! Who cares?! I kid, but seriously. Just because it's a nice, sparkly dagger doesn't mean Rayah can be okay about it, now can that?
Well, it seems we skip from the intriguing murder, to, guess what, a pretty, equally sparkly flashback! Yeah um, that's maybe not the desirable effect, yeah? The tension is running pretty high as it is with the murder as it is.
Anyways, to quote:
It should be 'with which my mom used to make her necklaces and jewelry', or something similar, at least.
It seems Rayah cares much about her father's opinion... however, this lovely tid-bit leads me to believe she's practically never met him, at all? Um... moving on.
xD Forgive me, but I found 'killing time' a quite ironic thing to say, given she's apparently just murdered her best friend. And there's the pretty dagger, ready to console our dear murderer.
I'd like to point out the complete lack of commas after the last word before the final speech mark.
There's not much description either, so yeah.
Keep it up!
Hope this helped,
~Ita
#TeamRed
This is an interesting bit, here mate. Sadly, I haven't read the chapters preceding this one thus I might be off with some of my comments. I tried my best to make up for my ignorance by not picking on the content too much.
In the beginning, we join the protagonist and see the aftermath of a terrible act. To make the flow more fluid, I suggest using shorter sentences to indicate: action, shock, rush, and all of that good stuff. Give allowance for longer sentences when they're mulling over their actions because sentence variety is always a plus in my book.
Very is unnecessary.
Thus far, as a new reader, I know that the protagonist has killed a girl. They naively ask if their victim is truly dead and then cannot bear seeing the sight of their sin -and demand she is taken away. I'm not feeling particularly sympathetic towards the main character. I get you try to garner some with the flashback, but I'm not feeling it. It makes it far worse. They were friends AND the main character murdered them? All I know that the main character doesn't believe this is their true nature, "It’s just my anger." That makes it worse. I'm not responsible for it -it's an emotion that possessed me in the heat of the moment.
My curiosity is piqued. What "few things" does this character believes to represent happiness? These items could potentially say much about the character. I advise you take advantage of this moment and do that. Allow us more insight, prove to us that the protagonist isn't a heartless murderer that refuses to take responsibility for his/her own actions. I want to say the main character is male, but with no particular reason for it.
This story has great potential. A friend slaughters another one. The magnitude evidently shocks the main character, but as the audience –I am not. I don’t feel particularly invested. Everything seems superficial besides the main character’s odd thoughts:
And such, it doesn’t help their case. I recommend taking it slower with the development of the events to follow and delve longer on the main character’s thought process. Keep up the good work, mate -you've got something here and I would like to see this piece in particular (should you decide to edit it.) Take my comments with a grain of salt, this is the first chapter I've read. Peace out, mate!