A Thousand Demi-Gods- The story Of Rayah
Chapter 7: Wanted
Chapter 7:
After about thirty minutes of sitting around in the room by myself I dozed off into sleep.
I heard a faint whisper of someone outside of my body, telling me to wake up before it entered my dream.
“WAKE UP!” I heard it in reality now, and my head pops up.
“W-What?” I ask yawning. A man stood there. One about two times my height. This was something I couldn’t believe was happening.
Being one of the few demi gods that have defeated the beast the Zeus challenged me to be probably a reason they wanted me here.
The man sat across from me, staring at me. I swallowed and looked away for a split second. “Uh…Hi?” I say in a whisper.
A smile forms on his face. “Rayah Sparx, Daughter of the sea god and love goddess,” He clarifies me. I swallow.
“How do you know me?” I ask, looking back at him.
“You defeated the beast…Am I right?” He asks, leaning closer.
I lean back, not wanting to trust him so quickly. Just because he isn’t trying to kill me doesn’t mean he’s not going to…In the future.
“Maybe, Maybe not.” I say, eyeing him.
“Smart one, aren’t you?” He says, chuckling.
“What do you want?” I ask in a serious tone.
He stops laughing and looks at me. “What do I want? I want your power. You’re the only person in Olympus that can control fire besides Hades’ son and he’s in the Underworld.” He says.
I chuckle, “You really think I would give you my power? That’s cute.” I say, leaning backwards again.
He laughs again, “’Cute? Will it be cute when I make you give it to me?” He asks.
I lose my smile and stand, “We’re done here.” I say walking towards the door.
“We are? I don’t think so.” He chuckles, snapping his fingers as guards block the door. I cure under my breath and glance back at him as he points back to the empty chair.
I shake my head, “Move the guards or I won’t hesitate you burn your ass off.” I say forming fire in my hands. He smiles evilly, “Really?”
He stands and stands in front of me. I swallow, realizing how much taller he is from me.
I back off and sit in the chair, crossing my arms.
He sits again. “What are your desires Rayah?”
“My desires? To get out of this place.” I say, glancing around.
“No, tell me. I can make it happen.” He says, leaning in.
“Why should I tell you?” I ask, looking away, keeping in self-defense mode.
“Because I can make them come true. Because I can give you everything you want.” He says grinning.
I sigh, “I want to actually see my father. I haven’t seen him in like fourteen years.” I say, glancing at him.
“Poseidon?” He asks out of curiosity.
I nod, “Yes. Can you get him to me?”
“Of course I can.” He says, smiling wider. I look at him suspiciously.
He’s up to something.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Yo Pix. I've been following this with interest, so here I am to review.
Now, as reason pointed out, the fact that Molly is no more and forgotten is a sad, sad fact. I'm not quite as 'emotionally invested' as he is, but I still feel that this should be mentioned, because it's a really sad, sad fact that nobody remembers poor, poor Molly.
Now, this chapter introduces the 'mysterious hottie' type deal, who is obviously evil, and of course naive little Rayah goes along with him because well, he's just so hot! She can't help himself, right?
Bah, anyways, moving on. Severe logistic flaws ahoy!!
First, demi gods should be demi-gods. Secondly, this bit made me cringe, big-time. Revise this part so that it reads something along these lines, I implore you: I realized they probably wanted me here because I was one of the few demi-gods that defeated the beast Zeus keeps as a 'pet'. Of course, that still doesn't make any sense because how and through what means can our dear Rayah make such wild assumptions? Oh well, moving on.
Another nit-pick I'd love to point out is that Rayah, as a matter of fact, is not a demi-god. She is a goddess, albeit a minor one. You see, a demi-god is a child of a mortal and a god. The daughter of two gods would be a goddess in her own rights, or some sort of a spirit or monster. And, how is it that she, of all demi-gods, can control fire? Ho-hum.
No way, Rayah can tell the creepy hot dude is up to something? Wow. I'd just like to point out how impossible this whole exchange is. Rayah is trapped in a prison cell the readers have no idea how it should look, this mysterious stranger pops along and can seemingly command the guards. O.o Also, Rayah is in no position to make threats, as she, last I checked, is behind bars . That can be somewhat hampering when trying to burn someone's ass off xD
So yeah, work on this stuff.
Hope this helped,
~Ita
#TeamRed
No references made to dead friend Molly. It hurts my soul. I don't know why, but I've become emotionally invested in this dead character and the fact their death is nothing more than a fact hurts. At first, I thought from the previous chapter that our protagonist (which I now learn is female) is not in jail for murder.
Rayah is cautious at best with this stranger -antagonistic at worst. How is it that with a simple promise of giving her anything she desires short of freedom encourage her to reveal her very personal wish to see her father? Personally, I would imagine she would snarl, irreverent, or perhaps even silent as she contemplates her situation. Prior to this, she threatens to use her flames on him, but "backs off" simply because he's taller.
Why?
So far she's treated authority figures with disdain or mockingly humors them. What's particularly different with this one? Besides the fact that he snaps his fingers and guards do his bidding? Let's be honest, the guard we met with last time wasn't the brightest one of the lot.
Honestly, I’ve only read the past two chapters thus I’m ignorant: however, I’m not understanding the protagonist. She hasn’t seen dad in ages. I don’t understand her motivation to being honest with this man. This man who clearly states he can forcefully take her power away from her: however, instead offers to give her something she would like in return. Why?
Why does the man simply take what he wants and call it a day? Is it a bluff? Does he need her consent? What’s her motivation for humoring him in the first place? It seems obvious the fact he agrees all too quickly that getting Poseidon is no easy task.
I realize I haven't applauded you for what you've done right. There are no misspellings, hardly any grammatical errors (besides a few fragments, but I figured that you employed them as a stylistic choice since this is first person.)