A thousand Demi Gods~ The story of Rayah
Chapter 2~ Fighting the beast
I hesitate before walking into the monstrous cage, It made my eyes grow wider and wider the closer I got to it. Right before I was about to grab that huge knob I closed my eyes, Thinking.
What if I don’t make it? What if this is the end?
I let go of the knob and turned around to face Zeus and opened my eyes. He looked at me, a confused look across his face.
I took a deep breath not wanting to get him angry, God forbid I did, He would never let me out of that cage!
I looked him in the eyes, “I just have one question before I go in there and risk my life.” I said, proudly, my confidence finally returning back to me.
He nods a slightly angry nod, “Speak your mind Rayah.” He says.
I nod back at him, feeling relived he didn’t explode like he did last year to my sister. “I just wanted to know…Is this for your own entertainment or is there a reason for us to do this?” I ask crossing my arms.
He chuckles and replies, looking me in the eyes, “I always have a reason. This particularly is because I need to see what my demi-gods can do so I know who to put in war. The others go.” He says looking around the room at all the people that made it last year.
I nod, “Thank you.” I take a deep breath and turn back to the cage, reaching for the knob again.
Think about dad…About your siblings…
Cautiously I turn the knob and the kitten looks up at the door. I slyly opened it and closed it behind me keeping my eyes on it at all times.
Then what Zeus has been waiting for, the ears disappear and it grows larger, its claws nip at me but I dodge it. I take out a dagger from my boot and grin at it, “Come at me beast, for I do not fear you.” I muttered and spin under it, I sliced its foot with my dagger and it cried, getting angrier. “Oh shit.” I said worriedly.
I looked over at Zeus who was watching with amazement. I rolled my eyes at him and the monster eyed me down, his black eyes narrowing inside my soul. I interlocked my eyes with him, my determination building up inside me with every move I make. He reaches for me but I roll out of the way, his fist going into the thorns on the side of the fenced cage. He cried again and I nodded, impressed with myself.
The monster turns around to face me, never giving up and I went in for the kill. As I had the advantage I jumped up and dug my dagger into its throat him screaming even louder. He loses his breath and looks like he’s about to fall. I try to move out of the way but he falls faster, landing on top of me. I lay there, my vision getting blurry. But I hear distant cheering outside of the cage and I smile before I pass unconscious.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Love it ^^ just one thing:
you wrote "I hesitate before walking into the monstrous cage, It made my eyes grow wider and wider the closer I got to it." This sentance is just a little confusing ^^
maybe re-write it like this;
"I hesitate for a moment before walking towards the monstrous cage; the closer I got to it, the wider my eyes grew"
Or something like that ^^
The rest of it is really good though ^^
Love the action--glad I found the next chapter in this.
I wanted to point out just a couple things: 1. You said 'God forbid I did'. That would indicate the role of a single god, and as this is a Greek Mythology story there are many gods. They don't all worship and believe in God. So maybe consider saying ' gods forbid I did" perhaps? and 2. I would like to be able to imagine the cat/monster, so maybe some more description?
Great writing though(:
Hey Pixie, you made too many mistakes in this; and I know you can do better.
1. Pixie- "Right before I was about to grab that huge knob I closed my eyes, Thinking."
Consider: Right before I was about to grab that huge knob I closed my eyes; thinking.
2. Pixie- "He looked at me, a confused look..."
Consider: He looked at me, a confused expression. That sentence sounded a bit repetitive.
3. Pixie- "I took a deep breath not wanting to get him angry, God forbid I did, He would never let me out of that cage!"
Consider: I took a deep breath, not wanting to get him angry. God forbid he did, he would never let me out of that cage!
4. Pixie- "I slyly opened it and closed it behind me keeping my eyes on it at all times."
Consider: I slyly opened and closed it behind me, keeping my eyes on it at all times.
5. Pixie- "Then what Zeus has been waiting for, the ears disappear and it grows larger"
Consider: Then, what Zeus had been waiting for. The ears disappear, and it grew larger."
6. Pixie- "I interlocked my eyes with him, my determination building up inside me with every move I make."
Consider: I interlocked my eyes with his, my determination building up inside me with every move I made.
7. Pixie- "He reaches for me but I roll out of the way, his fist going into the thorns on the side of the fenced cage"
Consider He reached for me but I rolled out of the way, his fist going into the thorns on the side of the fenced cage
8. Pixie- "The monster turns around to face me, never giving up and I went in for the kill."
Consider: The monster turned around to face me. Never giving up, I went in for the kill.
9. Pixie- "As I had the advantage I jumped up and dug my dagger into its throat him screaming even louder."
Consider: As I had the advantage, I jumped up and dug my dagger into its throat, making his screaming even louder.
10. Pixie- "He loses his breath and looks like he’s about to fall."
Consider: He lost his breath and looked like he was about to fall.
11. Pixie- "I try to move out of the way but he falls faster, landing on top of me. I lay there, my vision getting blurry."
Consider: I tried to move out of the way, but he fell faster, landing on top of me. I lay there, my vision getting blurry.
12. Pixie- "But I hear distant cheering outside of the cage and I smile before I pass unconscious."
Consider: I heard distant cheering outside of the cage, and I smiled before I slipped unconscious.
That is a lot of mistakes, but I'm sure you'll learn from them; after all, that is the joy of YWS! I liked how you got inside your characters head, but it made it hard to follow because of the changes in tense (Speaking of which, I presumed you were in the past tense. If 'm wrong, just take the above corrections and change them to the present tense instead). Was the monster a 'he' or an 'it', it kept changing aswell. To make it more imaginable, you could depict the scene in detail, using the five senses (smells, tastes, sounds, textures, sights). Finally, I am guessing you are changing Greek Mythology in this story. I know that Rayah is Aphrodite's Demi-goddess daughter from a particular storybook you're in, and you mentioned a sister too. However Aphrodite only had one Demi-god child: Cupid.
Yeah. It's not a true story.
I don't think claws can nip. "throught" in the last paragraph should be 'throat.' This has definitely got some action in it, and I like that. Good job with this chapter. The only thing is, I feel like the fight should've taken longer and I wish she was a bit more scared, just to add to the suspense. Other than that, it's a really nice chapter.
Thanks! But Rayah doesn't get 'scared' easily...The only think that really scares her is lightning... lol.