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American Citizen.

by PickledChrissy


The word American means more than you think, and very few really deserve to be called it So many people say that they are part of the United States of America and are a load we carry. There are standards, certain qualities you need to be worthy of the title.

Fear God. He’s watching you, and so you might want to watch as well. Follow the rules God gave us and you can’t go wrong.

Be independent. No one is going to carry you, no government watching over your shoulder. You are your own person. No one should have to drag you along, or listen to your whinning. Take your troubles and take them like a man. Don’t go crying to your neighbor and expect them to help. 

Value your freedom. It’s here for the taking, but you have to fight for it after you get it. This world we live in doesn’t like freedom, doesn’t like the people who have it. Be ready to defend your rights, with your life if need be. The rights this country was founded on must remain untouched. They were good then, they are good now. Right doesn’t change, it stays the same.

No compromise. We get the goal, or we don’t. We don’t stop halfway. Half a victory is half a defeat.

Love your neighbor. If you treat your neighbors well, you can stand together when the time comes for it. You are stronger as one. If he needs help, give it.  He’ll give it back in time. 

Honor your country. Give Her your best. Look down through history. See what She has gone through? Doesn’t She deserve everything you have to give? Ask not what my country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.


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Tue Oct 20, 2015 1:55 am
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mkphoenix wrote a review...



Hello!

I really liked this and I think a lot of people, including myself will take this into consideration.

There's only one thing I noticed that I would change or word differently. I'm NOT disagreeing, simply trying to show you how it seems.

"Fear God. He’s watching you, and so you might want to watch as well. Follow the rules God gave us and you can’t go wrong."

To someone who is not religious or the same religion, this is absolutely useless. Some won't understand the value that it holds for you, so your message here isn't coming across.
My advise would be to try to persuade people without bring religion into it. Use information that will impact everyone, not just the followers of one or so religions.

Other than that, I liked the idea.

Keep Writing,
MK




PickledChrissy says...


Thanks, MK! I know, I know. I can't stand that part. I still think its true, but I need to express myself differently.



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Mon Sep 14, 2015 5:33 pm
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kenziefavaloro wrote a review...



This is amazing! Wow!
I really took this to the heart and really never thought about the point your making before. But it is true. Some patriotic people just say they are all American and wear the whole red white and blue look, but aren't really how they dress. Not sure if that made much sense to you just now but...
Overall I just really liked this, and I liked how each point got its own paragraph and some spots were bolded. I also like how they start short and sweet like, "Fear God." and "Be independent." then you went on later to explain it.
Very well done! Cannot wait to read more of your brilliant work:)




PickledChrissy says...


Thanks, Kenzie!



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Sun Sep 06, 2015 9:01 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Yo Sis,

I am here to review. Try to not act too surprised. :P

I think the main reason people aren't reacting too well to this essay, is because they weren't able to get a very clear idea in their head after reading it. I think I can understand where you're coming from (duh, I'm your sis and I know how your mind works) but...

Anyway, I think the best way to get started on making this essay work, is pull apart each of these points.

1)

So many people say that they are part of the United States of America and are a load we carry


This seems a bit aimless; like the main idea isn't pointing in a very strong and clear direction. Mentioning that you are meaning the entire welfare system (make sure to site a source for how many Americans are on welfare while you're at it) would help in that respect. Also, don't forget the family in the wagon analogy. ^^ That might come in handy.

2)
Follow the rules God gave us and you can’t go wrong.


Tell us about these rules that God gave us? Like one of your previous reviewers mentioned, many Americans are not religious. Why on earth should they follow God's laws? Freedom of religion gives people the so called 'right' that they can do whatever it is they please. So according to the Bill of Rights, these people do not have to have a religion in order to be a 'true American'. I would recommend leaving religion totally out of it, for now. People spit at religion when it comes inconvenient for them, so don't bother bringing it into the discussion. Talk about the natural law. Following the natural law would mean to not cheat or kill your neighbor (for Christians, that would be the Fifth and the Eighth Commandments but whatever). Another problem with America is that with freedom of religion, it opens the door to same-sex marriage and abortion, all in the name of freedom. Like I said before, people don't listen to religion much anymore so talk about the natural law. The key to having a strong nation is having a moral body of people (George Washington is one smart guy... "Of all the dispositions and habits which lead to political prosperity, religion and morality are indispensable supports") So bring in talk about morality and the natural law, and so forth. Quotes from the Founding Fathers on religion are extremely helpful too. It will work better.

3)
No one should have to drag you along, or listen to your whinning.


Ah, yes. I see that this is a followup of what you said in your first part. Elaborate more on this, as you are pertaining towards this stupid welfare system that we have going. Being an American means being able to take care of yourself. Having to depend on somebody for your food, shelter and electricity (when you are a fully capable adult) is acting like a slave. Go into how the government is turning us into a bunch of welfare bums, that has to depend on everybody else (that everybody is shrinking) to bring in the money to pay the bills every month. But be extremely careful to not overdo this one topic. This country has problems, but the welfare system is an effect of the problem. It is not the actual problem, in itself.

4)
Be ready to defend your rights, with your life if need be.


Yeeesh, you're absolutely right, sis. Americans must be always ready to fight for their freedom. BUT you failed to exactly mention WHO exactly wants to take away our rights. True, there are other countries that think America is stupid for allowing freedom to flourish. But the enemy always manages to destroy from the inside. Who or what is the American's main enemy? We both know who it is, so elaborate on that.

5)
No compromise


Absolutely. But you should totally site some sources where it says Americans did compromise on their freedom (let's not get started on SB 941. Grrrr). Doing food stamps or Section 8 housing is an excellent example of Americans compromising on their freedom.

6)
Love your neighbor.


Talk about this more. What exactly does loving your neighbor mean? Does it mean, voting for people that are going to up your taxes to pay for all the government programs out there, so that all the welfare bums that won't raise a bloody finger can have a house to live in, while you scrape your living off the dirt? Or perhaps it means, you should donate time or money to a charity that helps people in such conditions? Help somebody out that just broke down on the side of the street? Which one? What does HELPING your neighbor mean?

Take your troubles and take them like a man.


*cough cough* NOW LITTLE SISTER, what have I been telling you for the past two years? We don't take problems like men, we take them like women. Because, duh, we just handle problems better. (In all seriousness though, eliminate the man part or some feminist will get on you for it and say that you're discriminating and being old-fashioned)


Basically, I think you need to elaborate more on these points and proof read through a bit more carefully. I can tell that you feel very strongly about this, and that is a good thing. Especially when coming through an essay. Most essays (at least to me) seem to come off as passive, and there is no real emotion in it. In this essay, the emotion needs to be more strongly directed.

Okay, I think I'm done now. Now if this comes off as sorta messily put, let's blame that stupid piano. I just can't think straight anymore (and I haven't reviewed in forty years plus a day, so don't kill me. If it doesn't make sense, then ask me what I meant). xD

Keep writing!

~Cricket




PickledChrissy says...


Thanks for the review, LITTLE sister. Must I constantly remind you that I am the tallest girl in the family?



ThereseCricket says...


Not for long. I'll be getting some of those heels soon... otherwise known as stilts.



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Sun Sep 06, 2015 5:27 pm
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hey, PickledChrissy! Here for a review!

Overall Feedback:

I'm not really impressed by this. I think you'll be able to tell that from the tone of the rest of this as I go through. I'd like to note a few things:

You have this written as an "article", but it seems to be little more than militaristic, halfway-empty statements appealing mainly to the Republican side of the issue.

The writing could use some revision to add strength. As it is, the only strength behind your arguments is that you're using buzz words and harsh wording; I recommend finding facts and citations to back up your argument, or you might find yourself floundering for words when someone presses the subject.

Perhaps I'm looking at this too politically, what with the primaries coming up and all, but because I don't follow the core tenets of your beliefs system, I'm automatically cast out of your portrayal of this American Citizen.

Your conclusion is rather weak, and could probably use some revision. A closing remark should have a punch to it, so that the reader is left wondering, questioning, or reacting to a call to arms—as it is, it seems you just cut off, and your reader is left dangling.

One good thing is that you seem to have some of the core ideas of speech-writing down. Perhaps if you rewrite this, you could write it as a speech, instead of an article; many of your points seem to be things that would be stronger relayed when spoken out loud, rather than in a text-based situation.

Other Feedback:

I am American (born and raised), and I come from a long line of veterans. Every generation of my family has had an overwhelming percentage of people serving in the military, and I'd like to think that we're rather devoted to this country.

However, I have to bring something up: As steampowered noted below, the United States of America were founded on many things, but they were not founded on religion; not Christianity, not any Abrahamic religion, but on the concept of freedom from persecution for those of all faiths and backgrounds. One of the reasons that people fled to the American colonies in the first place was because of religious persecution.

Fear God. He’s watching you, and so you might want to watch as well. Follow the rules God gave us and you can’t go wrong.


Personally, I am agnostic, meaning that I'm unsure if there is any godly or Godly force in the world, and my beliefs system is mainly balanced around nature and what is known as the Rule of Three: "Whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person threefold." Obviously, that's not exactly Christian, and most of my family are agnostic as well, though they follow their own beliefs systems.

As a result, I read this essay and I have no personal connection to it. From the second you argue that every American should worship God (presumably the Christian God) and follow His way and word, you've lost me—and probably a large chunk of your audience, as well. Christianity is a widespread world religion, but you cannot assume that everyone is Christian, believes in the Christian God, or wants to be preached to in a Christian way.

Not to mention, plenty of people follow the rules of God and they do wrong. After all, isn't one of the rules of God to stone a woman for getting a divorce? Isn't one of the rules of God not to pierce any part of your body nor adorn it with tattoos? Isn't one of the rules of God not to eat shellfish, and not to wear clothes of two different kinds of fabric? There are thousands of "rules of God", and they're simply not all practical to follow in a modern setting, not to mention many of them are straight-up harmful to others around you.

Be independent. No one is going to carry you, no government watching over your shoulder. You are your own person.


Again, as steampowered noted, we do have a state that offers welfare to many who are below the poverty line, that offers aid to those who are disabled or unable to work, and that, in general, cares about the well-being of its people. (Or so it says.) As a result, it's rather fallacious to say that the government isn't going to help you at all.

No one should have to drag you along, or listen to your whinning. Take your troubles and take them like a man. Don’t go crying to your neighbor and expect them to help.


Not everyone in America is a man or wants to be treated "like a man". I'm going to again echo what Steam said below me and say that you might want to revise your wording here; it's seriously coming across like 1940s propaganda, and I don't think you want anyone to make that connection when you're trying to tell them how to be a good citizen.

In addition, while I agree that help should not be expected, what's wrong with asking for help? Why do you condemn those who might need assistance with something, or who might need a favor? What about the concept of borrowing a cup of sugar and paying them back at a later date? The United States is not run on a strict, solely-market economy, but has millions of smaller economies happening every day in the transactions made between neighbors and friends.

After all, "Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you" (Matthew 5:42). Or perhaps "And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”" (Luke 10:27). Or any of over a hundred other verses about helping and loving others that I found with a simple Google search, on just one website with multiple translations available.

Does no one follow the Bible's word in this Christian America you've imagined?

Value your freedom. It’s here for the taking, but you have to fight for it after you get it. This world we live in doesn’t like freedom, doesn’t like the people who have it.


Citation, please.

To the contrary, many places and people envy Americans for their freedom (despite the fact that we're falling lower with our freedoms on an international scale). It's because we're the ones who are famously free, so many times the idea of "freedom" is construed with "America", and when that comparison happens it is almost always positive.

The rights this country was founded on must remain untouched. They were good then, they are good now. Right doesn’t change, it stays the same.


Out of curiosity, are we talking about the inalienable rights that are granted to all American citizens by virtue of their citizenship, or are we talking about the Bill of Rights and the Constitutional Amendments popularly referred to as our Constitutional rights? Because while the former haven't changed, they are simply "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness".

The latter, on the other hand, have changed a lot in the last two hundred years. If rights don't change, then why did we have to add more amendments to the Consitution? If rights don't change, then why are amendments repealed, or amended yet again, or open to so much debate a la the Fourteenth Amendment and the birthright citizenship clause?

Just to note, this weakens your argument considerably; it shows that you either don't have the cognizance that American rights have changed a lot since our founding, or you don't have the clarity of speech to show what you're talking about exactly. I would recommend rectifying this to clarify.

No compromise. We get the goal, or we don’t. We don’t stop halfway. Half a victory is half a defeat.


I don't have a political or social argument about this one, I just wanted to point out that these are really just rehashed phrases from every sports movie ever. I don't have any particular feelings towards them. I might, if they were delivered verbally by a strong public speaker, but as they're written on the page... Nothing.

I would suggest revising these to use more personal language, and to make a note of specific instances in which America hasn't "stopped halfway" en route to the goal.

Love your neighbor. If you treat your neighbors well, you can stand together when the time comes for it. You are stronger as one. If he needs help, give it. He’ll give it back in time.


...Well, that's funny. What happened to "don't go crying to your neighbor for help"? Offering your neighbor help requires someone else needing it—that is, metaphorically, "crying to you" for it—which means that if everyone followed these rules, they would be following a hypocritical mindset that would be impossible to balance against an everyday life.

Perhaps you're judging the welfare state, instead of actively judging the idea of asking your neighbor for help? Perhaps you're judging those who beg and borrow and steal? But if you are, then target them, not people who need help from neighbors once in a while—I highly suggest you revise and clarify the earlier section of your article. Otherwise, you contradict yourself in one of the most glaring ways; you want this article to apply to everyone, so why would you suggest someone contradict it?

As I mentioned above, your conclusion doesn't take the breath away. I would recommend looking at stronger ways to conclude your piece, perhaps with a callback to the title, "this is how to be a true American citizen" or something the like.

Keep writing!




PickledChrissy says...


Thanks, Ark! I'll be working on this, I know I did a pretty bad job on expressing what I believe. And what I meant with the "Love your neighbor" is you can ask them to help, but don't think that you have a right to their help. So, yeah. The welfare system.

Oh, that part about "take it like a man". I'm not changing the phrase, I think people are stupid when they throw a fit over something like that. I can't stand how stupidly politically correct everyone is now.



Vervain says...


-shrugs- It was just a suggestion, considering about 51% of the world population (and the American population) isn't made up of men, and women do as many dangerous jobs and go through as much pain in their lives as men do.

I won't write you a gender dissertation, just know that despite what you may think of "political correctness" (in my neck of the woods, we call it "treating people with respect"), there are plenty of women who will be disgruntled that you're telling them to be men, with some assumption in your writing that men are "better" (which I know you don't mean).



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Sun Sep 06, 2015 5:07 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hi,

I like this quite a bit. I'm not Christian myself, but as an American who often wonders about society and the world I definitely found this accessible. The most that I would say about this is that I wish there was more of it, and there's definitely room for you to expand upon a lot of the points that you made here.

From the very first sentence I'm intrigued, and I think I have an idea of what you're getting at, but I want more. There are a lot of Americans who like to hate on America and focus solely on its problems, and of course, it's not perfect. No country is. But there's a lot of good here too, a lot of opportunities that don't exist in other countries. And the country was certainly built on strong ideals, even when you consider them in the tumultuous backdrop of its history. I would go more into depth with these ideas - I'd be curious to know what you think.

The rest of the paragraphs are strong, although I would remove the bolding on certain phrases. It comes across as a little on the nose, and I think your ideas are strong enough to get across without them.

No compromise. We get the goal, or we don’t. We don’t stop halfway. Half a victory is half a defeat.


I love this.

Anyway, best of luck, and feel free to let me know if you have any comments/questions/concerns.

Best,
Elinor




PickledChrissy says...


Thanks, Elinor! It's always nice to know that your work is appreciated.



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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’m not American but the sentiments could apply to many places, so eh. I guess I’m (sort of?) qualified to review this. Here in the UK though we don’t really have any national pride or shared sense of identity because we consider nationalism to be a bad thing. Anyway, onto reviewing:

The word American means more than you think, and very few really deserve to be called it So many people say that they are part of the United States of America and are a load we carry. There are standards, certain qualities you need to be worthy of the title.


If I was an American reading this, I might feel offended. America is a fantastic country and one of the things I (and I guess a lot of outsiders) admire about it is its openness and diversity. So while I kind of understand what you’re trying to say, it’s a little patronising to judge people on whether or not they are “worthy” of being an American. I’d tone this down if you don’t want to lose your audience in the first paragraph.

Fear God. He’s watching you, and so you might want to watch as well. Follow the rules God gave us and you can’t go wrong.


What about the Constitution and your country’s own laws? Also, this kind of implies that to be an American you must be religious (youch, not all-inclusive then) Not just religious either; but you have to follow the Christian faith or at the very least one of the Abrahamic religions. The United States of America was founded on democratic principles but not on the teachings of any specific religion (Treaty of Tripoli, Article 11) so this links more to personal beliefs than to the core of American-ness.

(Also, the Bible is full of rules since it’s meant to be a moral guide for us, so at the risk of me sounding like a total pedant you might want to specify whether you mean the Ten Commandments, Jesus’s teachings or other rules)

No one is going to carry you, no government watching over your shoulder.


Hang on, don’t you have some form of welfare state? Perhaps you should acknowledge this in your essay.

No one should have to drag you along, or listen to your whinning.


Nitpick here; it’s whining, not whinning. Oh, and nice repetition of “no one” from before! :)

Take your troubles and take them like a man.


Unless you want it to sound like the 1940s, I’d rephrase this so it applies to everyone. Perhaps “like a true citizen” would be more appropriate in modern times. Then you also have a nice link back to your essay title! :D

The ending is a bit too abrupt, so I think you need some kind of conclusion to round it off. A good trick to finishing essays is to link it back to your original theme, in your case of being an American citizen.

Overall, a strong message but perhaps a gentler approach is needed in order to engage your audience. A lot of people in today’s world reject militaristic values (they tend to question more) and will require persuasion to see your point of view. After all, this is usually the purpose of an essay, and I feel like this falls a little short of its purpose. However, many of the ideas you’ve expressed here make sense for society and I think that, with a few adjustments and perhaps by citing a few sources, you could make this into a really good article. :D




PickledChrissy says...


Thanks, Steam! I realize this needs a lot of work, that's why I posted it. It's the first time I've written something like this. I knew it turned out pretty poorly and didn't know how to fix it. Thank you for taking the time to help.




Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday