Brown leaves adorn the ground, lying strew upon the green grass like fallen soldiers. A hushed wind blows through the bare branches overhead, slipping in between the groping fingers of the trees. Everything is silent. Everything is dead.
The gray cloud press down on the world below, blocking out all but the murkiest light. The sun cannot penetrate. It cannot reach us. We crouch here in all but darkness, living in terror of the unknown.
Under the empty trees, stretching on forever into the shadows, is the road. A gravel road, reaching farther than the eye, farther than knowledge. It begins at the edge of the forest and continues unto oblivion. Where it begins, our knowledge end. For who would dare the road when death roams beneath the grasping branches? One only has tried. And it was a woman.
She also roams now. A shade of who she was, weeping always, alone in a world of her own. Death has marked her. Marked, but not taken. She walks still, in the twilight, beyond the protection of the village, beneath the fading trees. I have seen her but few others stay to watch when her gray cloak glimmers in the faint light. She never came home.
Perhaps she is dead. Maybe it is her ghost I see at night. But she sings. Whenever the moon slips off her mantel of clouds, white light illuminating the earth, her voice raises beyond the dying trees. A sweet voice. Full of longing, of the wish to return. But she cannot. So she sings and I listen. There are words hidden in the gentle melody but I cannot understand them. None can.
A dead wood to the eye, but not to the ear. Hidden beneath those branches they prowl. Branches crack beneath an invisible weight, birds flee into the sky. Beneath those branches their victim wanders. A cloak fasten at her throat, white skin shinning, black hair flowing behind her as she walks. The lady that sings. The nightingale of death. The gray lady of Shanndrae woods.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,095 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite some setting here to say the least. It instantly draws us in as readers to this piece and you just find yourself unable to really look away here. Its a very powerful description here, one that does make you ask quite a few questions right away, even before we now move to this image of a woman here that also appears to be very interesting somehow.
The sheer sense of mystery that emanates off of this piece is quite something else here. You've really managed to generate a very intriguing situation here and it just builds on it really, really well. It just pulls you in ever so powerfully as a reader and you can't help but wonder where on Earth this is heading.
There is a quite the sense of epicenes there in that particular moment. The whole idea of a ghostly figure that is perhaps some sort of constant in this darkened land just sends a shiver of excitement through you as a reader and on the whole I think it makes for a really nice little story here. I certainly enjoyed reading this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello, PickledChrissy! Lupa here for a review. You know me as Artemis28, but username and avvie change.
) I would like to see maybe a short novel on this because it's a good idea. The name of your forest is very original, your mysterious tone captivating. All in all, you did a good job!
I want to talk about the sentence structures here. I know it's most likely a stylistic choice, but everything is very choppy and uneven. For example: "Everything is silent. Everything is dead. The sun cannot penetrate. It cannot reach us. One only has tried. And it was a woman." You can keep it if it helps your tone or mood, but I think it's disconcerting to the reader.
There's also some grammar things in the last paragraph. "A cloak fasten at her throat" should be "A cloak fastened at her throat." "White skin shinning" should be "White skin shining." Just some word nitpicks, nothing more.
I really love the idea. It's intriguing and dark, and quite frightening. (But in a good way!
I hope this review helped. If I came across as harsh to you, I'm so sorry because I didn't mean to sound like that. Have a great day/evening/night and Happy Review Day!
XOX,
Lupa22
Beautiful!
Thank you!
Your welcome!
Hey, it's Codayy here to drop a review! Feel free to be truthful with your response because just like we improve as writers as I write, we need feedback to improve as reviewers. I'm just going to quote the whole thing and break into parts as this piece is pretty short.
I really did enjoy the imagery in this. The moment I decided to give more thought about dead leaves are like fallen soldiers, I was impressed. The verbs were also cleverly used like wind slipping through branches of trees. Also, what I learned what adorn, it gave me an interesting contrast of the setting which did peak interest.
However, I will say "that everything is silent" sounds incorrect. Some sound has to come from winds blowing upon trees. Clarify if so.
*presses
I don't know about the murky light contrast. Probably symbolism, but this one just hit like the last one did. The sun penetration seems redundant to me. At first I didn't like the "living in the unknown part" because of how cliché it sounded, but I now like on how clearly it builds up to the next few paragraphs.
*Remove the comma between "shadow" and "is". Not needed.
*Use "and" after "eye" before "farther". I understand that yo are trying to get a storybook feel out of this, but it breaks the flow here.
*Use "knowledge ends" instead.
*Switch "one" and "only". Sounds weird and "only" wouldn't be needed if in that order.
I will say I do like how you are dealing with getting a proper transition of setting details while incorporating the story in a way that seems natural and not forced. Kudos.
*"She roams now." I don't like how you used this adverb in this story. Compared to a very
formal voice this story, this casual adverb is out of place.
*"She never came home." Use this sentence earlier. Sounds redundant and it's an awkward transition to the next sentence.
I don't know if this just me, revealing that this is first person perspective halfway through the story is weird. I applaud you for being able to keep it hidden for so long, but I would have never guessed that it I'm not a huge fan of. Persona opinion there.
*Is "but she sings" really the right words here? I'd like to ask why you used "but" there because I don't know.
*Full of longing, of the wish to return." Sentence fragment.
*I think a "sweet voice" can be expanded upon here.
*Personally, I would use "No one can." Sounds better, but it's just a suggestion.
I have nothing for the paragraph to point out. Bravo. I will ask however, where you got the name of the Woods. I googled so it's not from an inspired fairytale. Just curious.
I'm glad I read this work. a very entertaining, short read. I hope to read more!
I will say "perhaps" sounds better this instance considering that I know that the it's first POV.
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
Ohhhh! The first paragraph of this short little story had me hooked. Your imagery is very unique and compelling, not just in the introductory paragraph, but throughout the piece. In my opinion, good imagery is what it takes to write a good anything, and is especially important in mysteries to help create suspense.
Now, i do still have a few suggestions. First of all, you made a lot of grammatical errors, which though small, made the work seem rather unprofessional. Just be sure to read through the piece again, and pay attention to plurals and punctuation, and your phrasing in some places was a little odd.
Now, another thing. You describe the woods a few times as being "dead', but the way you describe seems to prove just the opposite. You warn of things that lurk and threaten among the dark trees, and both of those things imply some form of life. Maybe instead of saying "Everything is dead" at the beginning, you could say "Everything is waiting".
Another bigger thing i wanted to point out was the incongruity of the second paragraph with the rest of the piece. You say the lady is the one that roams the woods, that you simply look on and what is in that wood is unknown. However, in that paragraph, you say that "We crouch in the darkness" implying that you are one of the creatures in the darkness. This just doesn't seem to go with the rest of the piece, and i believe should be adjusted or removed.
Finally, tiny suggestion for what could be a big impact. In the last line, you say "The gray lady of Shanndrae woods. i believe you should capitalize this, so that it reads more like a title. Then, since the characters name is unknown, you could refer to her as The Lady or The Gray Lady and the audience we would know who you were talking about.
Anyways, i really liked this! You said you might be interested in continuing this story, and if so, i encourage it! i would love to read future installments, if you have any planned, so please let me know if you have any plans for this piece.
Thanks for the read!
herbgirl